This is my edit of it. My chief complaint is run-on sentences and usage of commas. You write it the way it would flow when you'd say it/read it, which isn't usually gramatically feasible. There are mulitple ways of correcting that, but v are my suggestions. You can use () often-times instead of my suggested -[ur content]-'s. [] hold my extra word insertions that i think would help, but aren't necessary.
random other grammatical stuffs: technically adverbs and prepositions should be positioned directly next to whatever they're modifying. Because if they're separated by some other action, adjective, or what have you, it will appear to modify the wrong one.
In dealing with quotation marks and punctuation, end of sentence punctuation is placed within the quotations marks. [ex.] He said, "Die now, not later." (instead of) "Die now, not later".
...'s are always 3 dots- no more, no less. I love them and the implied silent contemplation, but they're seldom seen in publications. Not sure why. =/
I'm kinda writing these notes up here AS I edit, so yeah...
[quote name='Geo' timestamp='1303982697' post='13142']
Another Story~
[i]There once was a girl whose name we shall not speak. Kind-hearted she was, loving and taking care of us at her young age. She also had powers of healing along with [a] beauty that we all thought would last forever until... [b]it[/b] appeared. It was what we feared: a demonic sphere. Nothing but darkness and pain came from it. It killed and devoured us [all] until... it got to her, laughing demonically. The girl -even in fear- bravely tried to help us but sadly it captured her, saying, "You fool. Why protect humans? They were wasting your talents." It started to hold her up, pulling her in trying to unite with her body. "Your body is perfect as my host! Together these fools shall pay." Moaning in pain she struggled, looking at us. Crying. However, we couldn't help but watch as it fused with her, helpless to stop the event. Fearing the outcome we ran, trying to get away, but it was too late. The girl we once knew. Gone. Her beauty remainded but soul did not. With a flick of a finger she killed us off, one by one, without any consideration of mercy. My last words, "Please don't." They mattered not as she slowly snapped her fingers and, with a sinister smile, said, "Good bye!"[/i]
(I proof read 5 times at 4 AM, I might not had caught all my mistakes cuz sleepy)
[/quote]
There were some parts that I'm sure you will notice that I put in periods to make one word sentences where you had long, dramtic action sentences. I know that these parts were meant to be read/spoken with pauses for dramatic emphasis and that's exactly what these periods do.
The sentence starting "Fearing the outcome" still feels off to me. Spoken it is fine, but something about it (even in my own edit of it) bothers me. Hmm...
Well, that's my input on the grammar.
As for the story itself... I'm not familiar with a particular story with the events you describe.
Seems like one of the last victims is telling the story. A dead person is telling the story. Sounds like a dream, also.
