GreyShadow

So the bg3 thing is probably going on hiatus, I have no motivation to write atm, my keyboard is driving me crazy. In other news here’s my most recent playlist on Spotify, just some songs I like

so im going to be starting something of a personal project here, i started writing something of a Baldur's gate 3 fanfic/ mini sequel, not gonna lie it disregards alot of stuff in favor of what i find more interesting ,, ill try to post each chapter i write, fair waring

Content warning, includes

curse words like ALOT, 

mentions of trauma, like SA, death,loss,etc

its focused on Baahlswpawn so gore is a given

a large chunk so far is based on extremely personal trauma

if i need to remove it lemme know and ill do so

if i accidently linked it with a way to edit it please dont. leave it as is

enjoy reading (I hope its to at least someone's interest) 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N2i_KQ4O0AxJDtsT_f8kV0-FWt7S77My-tZtAO-moTw/edit?usp=drive_link

Hello there to nobody once again. Hope the void is doing grrreat. (Fuck me, why do I bother. Gods damnit I’m lonely) 

Ok so, just finished cyberpunk 2077 for the 2nd time, chose to go for the star ending giving my v and Judy their happy ending (for around 6 months) 

I’m sorry Johnny I can’t give my body up, (granted that’s a bit of a personal irl hangup that prevents me from even thinking bout that one) and I just wanna say that final scene of V dropping the bullet necklace off of the panzer nearly made me tear up( probably would have if my eyes weren’t SO dry from being awake for nearly 2 days straight) seeing Judy happy was honestly so freakin cute, seeing V let go of the city she called home her whole life (fem street kid v is best v, FIGHT ME) I loved this ending so much more than the sun which I got on my first run, sure with the sun you get fame and fortune and status, but it’s completely hollow, Judy leaves ya.

tldr:

best ending is star ending.

I've swallowed myself but the fever remains
I'm numb to the pleasure but still feel the pain
If I showed you my soul would you cover your eyes?
If I told you the truth would you dare me to lie?
(I keep it all inside because I know the man is everything but kind)
 

one of the first songs I ever heard from one of my all time favorite bands, ironic as hell looking back, now that I know what the song is about. No wonder I gravitated toward it so much. I do fucking love MiW. 
 

in other not news (let’s be honest my life is not exciting) I’m still alive, though I guess that’s obvious… I AM posting on my sad lonely little corner. Anyway if by some chance anyone sees this and bothers to read this far, hey welcome to my lonely corner, feel free to stay awhile it’s likely the only company I’ll have for the foreseeable future friendless as I am, hope your havin a great day/night, hope your staying hydrated and eating enough. Hope things are going well for ya, make sure your takin good care of yourself, but treat yourself to something nice when ya can, life’s too damned short too live without fun. Though all things considered I really shouldn’t be givin advice of any kind… if anyone is unqualified to give advice on sparking joy and taking care of oneself it certainly isn’t me. Given just how miserable I am. But I suppose if others are doing well the world is all the better for those who are worth something to be doing better than I’ve been. 
 

real talk time I suppose, given that I’ve kinda taken this little corner to journal when I find a moment and maybe my struggles will resonate with someone somewhere someday, or maybe my time will go wasted like it always seems to, effort spent for nothing, as I remain alone and forgotten by the people who told me they’d be my friends and have my back. But I digress. I can only hope that my lamentations of life and misery can be worth something to someone. Perhaps then my lonely little life will have served a purpose and done some good. (Especially considering how damn useless I am irl haha) either way if anyone bothered to read this far, I don’t want pity, or even attention. All I want is to ensure that if there are others who feel the same to know they aren’t struggling alone. And that no matter what

you are worth so,SO much more than you think you are.

AHHHHHH

  why isn’t it October yet, the wait for ninja Gaiden 4 is KILLING ME

And seeing bright red, when it's shaking my core
Can fuck up your head and fill it with thorns
When words are a threat, you can't take anymore
I leave you a wreck, yeah, when I'm speaking in swords
Know I should stop myself before it gets worse
But it's never what I do
 

-palisades “hard feelings”

one of my absolute favorite songs. And yea it’s relatable as fuck.

Sigh…. Rereading my writing always hurts. Whenever I’m proud of something I write I come to hate it in time. It’s never up to my standards, and part of me thinks it’s because I WROTE IT. Like damn I know I hate myself but…. Fuuuuck. I’m so sick of shit being shitty all the damn time. This world fucking sucks ugh. Would it KILL the universe to throw me OR my family a bone without a catch?! Seriously I knew our luck was bad but wtf we can’t have anything nice. 
 

rant over ( I think) 

hope everyone’s doing better than me.

although that’s probably not hard.

fuck.

I’m bored. Again. I’m bored again.

that is all.

Happy 25 birthday me, hope your doing better closer to your actual birthday time later tonight, cuz we both know your impatient ass is gonna log in to check the dev blogs AGAIN. lol 8:48 pm huh guess we’ve always been a night person. It’s the only time we can find any semblance of peace, the main road quiets down a little and assholes aren’t blasting terrible music less than 10 feet from our windows. It’s peaceful, it would be more peaceful without the house being haunted as shit but we make do. Given that our only friends these days are of the video game character variety it’s bound to be another lonely day for us. But stay strong, we may not have friends or a country that wants us to exist at all, but we won’t ever lose who we are, we will fight to the bitter end to hold on to that. I’m sure future me didn’t want to see this end on a bit of a somber note, but you know how we are. Not much to be happy about these days. But we try, gods we try so damned hard to have SOMETHING worth sticking it out for, but truth be told between me and me, I don’t think we’ll ever have that, we don’t really “get” people, and we sure as hell don’t get along with most of them, ever wonder why the animals you relate to the most have such small groups, ravens, bats, snakes. I don’t think we’re really meant to have friends. We lose them every time, perhaps we ARE better off without them. Perhaps not, who’s to say really. Though I don’t think it’s the worst thing to fly solo, it’s a lot harder to get weighed down by the way we are with others, you know what I mean, we take everyone else’s burden and it crushes us but we bear it all the same, we smile that same fake smile and say it’s no big deal and we wanna help, but truthfully we don’t CARE at all, it’s just the right thing to do, what ever that means. We do it because we are so damn scared of losing people again, and now we are alone, we have our family sure but we have so little in common and the age gaps with our siblings leave us feeling even more alone.we can’t relate to most people, growing up with a revolving door of friendships, where nobody wanted to stick by us long enough to really know us. We were the weird kid, the one with a reputation they couldn’t escape, the one who went to psyche wards throughout high school and always came back more fucked up. Through fucking everything the only damn thing we had was our mind, despite the humble nature we try to show we know how damned smart we are. This is the one day I’m sayin it it’s my damn birthday. Use that big brain and come up with something worth living for when you read this again me! If you think long enough you might fall down a rabbit hole you are better off staying away from, so think fast, think smart! And despite the countless flaws in you, don’t EVER fucking change for someone else again. Don’t pretend to be dumber than you are, don’t pretend to feel things you don’t. Gods how many people did I lie to saying I was attracted to them or that I loved them. It makes me wonder if I’m a horrible person for pretending for so long, I can feel love, but NOT sexual attraction. I definitely have loved people, I love my family (even when they drive me crazy) I love reyna she is the sweetest pupper ever! (Even if she is CONVINCED she is in fact a small fuzzy human child) no matter what people expect from us don’t change. Don’t lie to them and yourself. Misery loves company but we don’t have to be the keeping it company forever. We may feel at home in the dark, or at night. But the sun still has value to us too, light is not the enemy. No matter how much it seems that way when daytime is loud and annoying and hot and awful, and people aren’t all bad.  Look for something beautiful when you can, we can’t even see the stars here, it’s true. But we can’t even find stars in places we could never imagine, we just gotta give people a chance, who knows maybe they could looks past our flaws. God knows our personality isn’t the most exciting and bombastic person, we’re a bit introverted, and that’s ok. We need to stop trying to play the role we were given, wether it be the one society expects of us die to what’s in our fucking pants (absurd notion btw) feel how you feel and feel it openly (within reason of course) stop allowing the pain to fester, please your only hurting yourself, I know because once again I’m you, the you that in this moment has thought about it and decided maybe it’s time to write something out, and maybe one day someone will read this and resonate with our words, insane as we may be at times. Of course there’s only one of us and the phrasing of this has really only been to make it way easier on me to write, it’s hard talking to yourself, more so when you know you don’t want to listen!

Happy pride month!

to most likely just me again….

Yea I have a tendency to rant, sorry future me who happens to read this back, I just know your gonna hate me more for that. 
(me, us, we, you, my head hurts lol)

but since I’m you from the past, you’ll have to forgive yourself/me for being a sad person once in a while with nowhere else to say anything. Could we have written this on a google doc sure, but do we REALLY want that safety risk with how most major corporations cozied up to trump. 
 

you though no right? 
of course you did your me, albeit probably more level headed and less horribly depressed, unless your re-reading this alone at night again in which case depression-ception I guess.

fuck I hate me. And I’m guessing you feel the same way future me.

for all that can change in this world the one constant in us is that we are forever incapable of loving ourself. Right…

it’d be funny if it was our reality 

Welp… I’m alive, so…

that’s a thing.

look I’m gonna be honest I’m not doing great, I have no friends, and nobody to talk to about anything. So I’m gonna use my lonely little corner to vent this morning. Ok

ok. 
 

yea I feel like shit, physically I feel tired but as per usual my sleep schedule is fucked up beyond belief, I’m bored out of my mind again because 1 I’m broke af, and 2 there are so few decent games coming out these days it’s honestly depressing (I have really high standards for video games, I don’t want a masterpiece kind you but I do want a good story and good gameplay with as little padding as possible please no more unnecessary puzzles) official Pokémon is trash imo there hasn’t been a game halfway decent since hgss, we finally got some kh news… missing links development is canceled… “but but grey” I hear you saying “we got screenshots of kh4” 3 screenshots most of which is more SORA, I am so tired of sora omg, riku is my favorite character and he got shafted so damn hard in kh3 it hurts. Back to my main point I guess, I miss when jrpgs where like ff4, ff7, kh2, pokemon gen 4/ colosseum/xd, I miss the experimentation of games from the 2000s, I’m sick of how formulaic and by the numbers every game is, despite the flaws I loved dragon age the veilguard (and there are ALOT of flaws) my enby ass loved seeing taash grow into themselves, had fun with romancing neve, enjoyed playing a rogue and all the speedy combat I liked the story I enjoyed the conclusion, and despite all it did good it was review bombed to death because there were lgbtqia+ characters and minorities… DRAGON AGE HAS ALWAYS HAD THAT… ughhhh the world pisses me off, now half of BioWare is gone and the chances of ever getting another dragon age are at an all time low. A franchise I recently got into with inquisition (had a great time there but didn’t like having to play a man or a woman, veilguard really kicked ass with the inclusivity truly amazing!!!) I hate how few games don’t let me be… well me, ya know. I just want to be able to escape this shit hole of a world into one where hope still exists and the premise that you CAN change shit is not so far lost to the average people… I’m sick of this capitalist hellscape we call a country, I genuinely hate so much of the world right now is absolutely exhausting. I’m sad. I’m alone. And I really don’t have a whole lot going for me irl, I’m socially awkward, mentally ill, not particularly attractive, asexual (for some weird reason that’s a problem for some people idk, why does my sexuality matter, why does that make me lesser in so many peoples eyes) I’m an amab enby which leads to more isolation as even online I don’t feel particularly welcome in LGBTQIA+ spaces because for some reason people just assume that means I’m a man perving OR a trans girl in denial. I am neither of those things thanks VERY MUCH. So yea, lonely as hell, with nothing to do and being alone with my thoughts these last few months really hasn’t been good for my mental health. 
 

and before anyone asks yes I’m aware everyone can see this. 
 

there’s really no reason to hide it, not that anyone will read this haha… 

that’s why I said this is my lonely little corner, nobody comes here but me. Why not use it to catalog anything at any moment I have the strength to say something. Cuz I know someday I won’t even have that anymore.