Yuki

SPOOKY

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As a staff member and former Reborn League Line Host, I can't take this seriously until you get the basics and the guidelines finished. Things like having leaders in place, leader quality, a schedule, badges/a badge system, the system Euro League would use to actually run league (Reborn's system, block system, E4 system, etc) and all that junk. If you can get that all together, it could probably work

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNdQrt_tAI0

boo!

#I hashtag everything

was smoking in the woods yesterday, when i leaned in too close to take a hit and lit my hair on fire ;~; gave myself a haircut using a shaving razor (couldn't find scissors) and it looks the same, just shorter. Still, that's so embarassing

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scary!!!wow!!!oooh...!!!ah!

My new hat c:

"WHOOOOOOOSH!" The point went right over your head.

8 months old, but

!

I'm generally not a follower of science fiction novellas, but it always gets me in that it's grounded in a delicious mix of fantasy and, well, science. The genre on it's own begets novelty, and that's always a good thing to have in a story. Admittedly I haven't gotten past the first chapter yet (I'm working on my own piece of writing in the other window) but one more piece of advice I have is clearly refining the perspective-- is the story being told in Third Person Omniscient, Third Person Limited, First Person Narrative, or something else? Sometimes the lines between one or the other seem to blur a bit, and that can put a reader off. It sometimes makes it harder for them to immerse themselves in the plot, which would be a shame since this one seems pretty solid.

A lot of the punctuation seems awkward of misplaced, and there are a few run-on sentances that could use fixing. Two problems I'm seeing here are that the tone seems very monotonous, and your sentances/phrases read at different speeds because they very abruptly go from very descriptive to generally skimmed-over details. Some transitions from place to place or introductions person to person (background information or tidbits about that person go a long way towards developing a reader's perception of their personality, too) would go a very long way, and I think that if you incorporated a few of these things into the story it'd read much more smoothly.

Single

I'm doing the same thing in the ace member forums c: people are generally receptive here