chuckles

You will be missed. Hope you check in occasionally, as some people do. Take care of yourself, and have fun!

I want to see a somewhat linear game with gameplay like that of FFXV. I don't know about you guys, but I felt that gameplay was mostly pretty solid. It was just a little too chaotic sometimes, but the physics and mechanics at play were pretty spectacular often. Chasing bird bosses into the sky, dodging huge attacks back and forth...the game could be pretty epic. The main issues were with the crappy story and repetitive quest structure. Also, throw in something akin to FFX's sphere grid or FFXII's license board. I always really appreciated those. I think the main worries are just repeating past mistakes, like having it be TOO linear and full of tutorials like FFXIII, or having overly repetitive gameplay like FFXIV. Notably, my favorite game series is probably Disgaea, so any amount of complexity and content just shoveled into the game is okay by me. FFXV was huge but seemed....disjointed most of the time. It tried to be an open world game but hindered you constantly for trying to play it that way, yet the world was not built to be played very linearly either, and the most linear sections were sort of a chore. Beyond that, adding loads of weapons and activities couldn't hurt in my opinion. For the story, I'd try to do something leaning more toward classic fantasy than the pseudo-futuristic fantasy that they've been doing since.....FFVI? Probably that one, yeah. Wow. Anyway, throw out the extreme focus on magitech and make it a really deep fantasy story with <10 important characters and a lot of travel involved. I am a little tired of the evil empire showing up with the best lasers and robots money can buy. I'd rather see a lich ride into battle on a kelpie with an army of basilisks. That's more interesting to me. I also really dig kelpies, okay?

I don't even know what Discord is...

Well my old computer broke in March and since then I haven't been able to get into the Showdown server. I can access other servers on Showdown though, apparently. I'm bad at actively looking at forums so I don't know if something happened to it or if it's an issue with my new laptop. If I try to enter the server, it just says "connecting..." forever. I was kind of bothered by this but I'd been busy enough that I didn't take it seriously. Of course, with Ultra Sun and Moon coming out in a few months, among other things, it'd be nice to just pop in to discuss things and make jokes when I can. I'm seriously looking forward to following the fun playthroughs people did last year, as well. Anyway, I'm just looking for information here, and maybe some troubleshooting hahaha

I can't remember the last time I was so hooked on a new anime. The visual style mixed with dark tones really works for me, I suppose. I'm reminded of a few Ghibli films by the incredible landscapes. There's a lot to discuss, I think. It stands out among everything else this season, at least. Is anyone else following it closely?

I really appreciate that insight. That might be a good idea, although I'll wait a bit and just be friendly around her a couple times if I can. I want to approach it from the standpoint of trying to make amends, and attempt a fresh start. I think you're right, that from my tone and words she probably worried it'd be some dramatic and emotional debacle, which she'd definitely want to avoid. In the past, she would either bottle up the problems and avoid talking about them, or wait a while before mentioning something. I remember once I made an offhanded joke about her mother playing Pokemon Go (I don't remember the specifics) and she took it as insulting....and waited something like a week and a half before saying anything about it to me. Then we cleared it up just fine but I remember finding out it really bothered her, and she asked a friend about it, and she waited over a week to say anything. If it matters, there were times when I quite directly asked her to give me any complaints she had, and she always refused. I think that, at least at this stage in her life, she's quite opposed to speaking negatively to a person about them, even if it needs to be said. I wouldn't tell her this, not right away, but she hadn't been complaining much until she confronted me at the end there, so I didn't realize I had been bothering her so much. If I'd understood that better, I could've really curbed it at least. Anyway, I don't really want to ask her about continuing the relationship anytime soon because I'm pretty sure she's found herself in a perspective wherein the notion of a 'relationship', or that label at least, denotes expectations she just doesn't want to deal with, at least not now or soon. A totally fresh start without labels makes more sense to me right now as well. That bit about the "mental image" is spot on though, I think she knows I was pursuing such an image, but not that...well, that I don't need that image. That, if she really doesn't want to conform to sch a thing, and it's not a problem intrinsically, then it's fine. This may be difficult to explain (here or to her) but I'm an aggressively objective and/or scientific person, especially when I'm inexperienced with something. I took an approach to the relationship the way an amateur chef looks into a cookbook for the right recipes. I observed and learned what other people do, and what their relationships looked like, and I thought, "oh, THIS is how it's DONE" so I sought that image. It wasn't about what I wanted, just what I thought was expected. I'm still not sure how to explain that to her, especially since it....sort of deconstructs much of my behavior for which she came to know me, at least in the context of the relationship. Rather, it's not that I'd be a different person, but my role as a boyfriend would be vastly different. Also, although I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, I am...an aggressively selfless person. That is, I don't mind suffering a bit if I think an end result, or another person, is benefited significantly. However, sometimes I goof on what will actually be most beneficial, which in turn causes me to suffer to no benefit. The point with that is just that I'm fully aware that with this newfound perspective, with her, I wouldn't need to suffer for this ideal because neither of us wanted it so much in the first place. That's a hell of a thing to tell somebody, though, right? It doesn't even sound real to me, but it's the truth. With regard to my own feelings and stress, I'm doing better as time goes on, and yes I'm still fretting over this a bunch, but much of that is in recognition of how much better and more fruitful the relationship could have been if I hadn't been so wrong and confused with regard to relationships, and partially, her wants and needs. Well, neither of us ever communicated such things very well, but the point remains. That is, I'll be alright, and it's actually somewhat relieving to think/type/talk about this, as it lets me really gather my thoughts and hopes. Of course, I can't guarantee anything, but if she doesn't hate me, and is simply fairly anxious around me right now, I think I can work to relieve that over time. Trying to apologize or talk again anytime soon might be a mistake, as I fear she wouldn't be willing to hear me out at all, just assuming a bunch of things about what I would say. Also, I can't just get her into a private setting without her agreeing to it in front of a group, since I only see her with groups right now. So I don't know what I could nonchalantly say to or around her with a bunch of people listening in too. I figure I'll have to work on my actual approach if I can get her to agree to talk with me anyway. See, right now, the direct answer to the important question would surely be no. Yet, if I can talk to her a little and apologize sincerely, as well as showing her how relaxed and friendly I once was and can be and once was, that might change.

Welp, dunno if I'm just venting here now or if anybody reads this, but she became anxious when I said I wanted to apologize and asked to talk for a minute. She pretty much didn't want to hear it and shut me down fast. After that, I was around her a while and slowly became more conversational, which was nice, but it seems the time/space apart didn't do anything for the anxiety and discomfort I had been causing with her before by being so serious and needy. I actually think now that the letter wouldn't help because it's not as if I need to 'get through to her' it seems that she just isn't ready to talk about anything between us. I don't think it's an issue of time alone, and the letter would've been too sappy in concept for her, so I'll just have to relax and be myself around her for a while without trying to apologize. I wanted to do that AFTER gaining some clarity and honesty between us, but I might've goofed on the order of operations. On the bright side, she certainly doesn't hate me, and didn't mind just talking and being around me, but that whole idea of "being away for a while so they miss you and will seek you out" definitely didn't work. Rather, I'm effectively at a standstill I think, where she's not really negative toward me but not as positive as she is with our friends either. She's made no effort to avoid me though. It's possible she's actually indifferent to my presence at this point, except for her seeming to enjoy our conversations again. All I can do now is just stay positive, show her that, and hope she'll come around. Also, yeah, ya'll probably think "dude just let it go and find somebody else" and I understand that but those of you who've known me here for a long time may remember me vaguely opening up about being a miserable slut for ages due to a serious fear of commitment and disinterest in most people. It's somewhat embarrassing in hindsight, but when it comes down to it I wouldn't be happy with somebody who doesn't fit a gargantuan amount of criteria, which only she has ever matched. So, until she starts dating somebody new, or really tells me off, I'm keeping my foot wedged in this door as best I can, because it's better than every conceivable alternative if I don't try.

I hope the love story involves the Charlize Theron monkey... Anyway, I think if we were younger, or maybe if we were really avoiding each other, I'd give it to a friend. However, since she's willing to talk to me at least a little, and she doesn't try to leave or even act negatively when she sees me, I'll have a good opportunity to just hand it to her. Besides, it's more personal that way I think, to say "I put a lot of thought into this and wanted to give it to you." Also, I thought about typing something up first, but then I realize it would be less....raw, per se. That I might be better off just flooding my thoughts onto a paper instead of making it organized and collected. It might come off as more real and genuine then as well, as opposed to calculated and scientific....which is generally my approach to everything, as you may know. I realize the written word is open to interpretation but I plan to be very clear about my misconceptions, mistakes, and recent findings. How I needed a few weeks to really reflect and change my perspective. How I'm not just looking to jump back into a relationship, since I'd want to slowly build back the trust and respect first. How I've learned a great deal and why that means I wouldn't make those mistakes again. She's a very logic-minded and realistic person, by the way. So....if I just said "hey I'm sorry and I'll change and I am better" with no explanation she'd think I was just pleading and lying or something. I mean, really we hit that breaking point because she didn't think I would change, and somewhat ironically, she was right at the time because I wouldn't have changed without the break. It forced a reality check on me. I'll have to include that too. I still feel at this point as if I...have my foot in the door, so to speak. I'm in this grey area wherein there's no animosity and we're probably both waiting to see what the other will do/say, and neither of us seem to be interested in just finding some rebound or whatever. I'm not just "some ex from way back" but I'm also not her "wonderful senpai" anymore (note: dating anime nerds is hilarious because of in-jokes) but I don't know exactly where I stand with her. She's probably wondering the same thing. A friend actually told me recently that people had talked about me around her, and she chimed in and asked what I've been doing/up to, apparently either concerned or anxious since it's sort of unlike me to not be around for a while. I'm not quite sure how to interpret that, but I suppose I'll find out eventually. Oh right, activities....well, last year I took her to this trampoline warehouse place (the whole floor is trampolines) and we had a blast. We had talked vaguely about going back for months but never actually went. I think I'd invite her to that, later, since I know she wanted to go again. I don't think I'd bring another friend, because it's more 'safe' so to speak, but less....personal. I wouldn't put that in the letter or ask right away, but still. That, and she gave me this whole 'letterboxing' kit for christmas (wherein you take these notepads and containers with stamps out on a hike, then put instructions online for where to find something you've hidden near a trail. Usually involves riddles and complex routes. I haven't done it, but she explained it and it sounds amazing.) and it'd be a shame if we never get to use that together. Though, since a hike together is less public and more personal, I'd probably go for the trampoline place first. Well, my semester ends in ~2 weeks, hers ends in ~4 weeks. Different colleges but not far from each other. So, I'm aware that she plans to just take extra hours at work over the summer and not take any classes. She lives about an hour away from me as well. Basically, I need to really be on good terms with her at least(more than this civil/somewhat friendly vibe) within a few weeks' time, or I probably wouldn't see her for the whole summer. That'd be so long that she either moves on to somebody else, permanently resents me at least enough to not seek interaction, or really misses me over time and grows fond of me. Could actually be any combination, and I've heard people "come crawling back" given enough time apart from somebody who was often great with them.....but that's not something I want to try to rely on or even think about. It seems manipulative anyway. Well, a heartfelt apology/explanation letter seems...less so. ...I'm going back on myself here but I wonder if I should ask her to talk, and if she doesn't want to, give her a letter another time. It's tricky because I'm not sure exactly how anxious she is right now, although she isn't spiteful or angry. So, if I can actually deliver my thoughts clearly and verbally, it'd probably be more effective. That, and she's always been one for face to face communication above all else. Yeah, it might push against her anxiety, but maybe a letter ought to be more of a last resort. I suppose i can't really know for sure, anyway.

Well I had a party the other day and somebody asked if they could invite her and I said 'yeah go ahead' so they asked her to come and she said she would.....but then apparently she became anxious about how it would go, and later changed her mind. Somebody told me she thinks I'm really upset with her (which is probably fair since I haven't really tried to talk to her) so I sent her a quick, short message saying I'm not upset with her, which is true. She didn't respond, but honestly it wasn't the sort of thing that warranted a response anyway. contextually. I think I might just draw up a handwritten letter to her and give it to her on Tuesday instead of really talking. See, I get the idea at this point that she's very anxious around me, even if she's not really angry anymore. Even if she is willing to talk, she'd probably be worried and defensive immediately, and she might not really listen....and I'll probably fumble my words, and either of us could become emotional. A letter would remove the necessity of reaction, and I figure handing her an envelope is less anxiety-inducing than a verbal confrontation, even if it's not pushy or obsessive in nature. For the record, the letter would just be an apology/explanation regarding how I behaved, how I felt, and what I've learned. Either way, I wouldn't plead or ask to get back together, especially right now. If there's any chance of that I would first need to build back some respect and trust, surely. Also, Mael, thanks for all the input. I really appreciate it. Despite the passage of time I'm certainly still driving myself up a wall here, admittedly. I don't think I'll be relieved until I can communicate with her somehow.

I'd hope there would be more for people to say, but I realize I can't expect some perfect, clear answer. Also, I saw her yesterday in a group setting and we were nice, and there was small, happy talk for a while. We weren't very personal and I never tried for an opportunity to really discuss anything significant, but I was cheerful the whole time, and relaxed, and I bet she noticed that. Maybe it's a bit late, but that's what she wanted from me a month ago. This space is what she's needed, no, what we both needed for a while as well. I still don't know how she sees me or what she wants but in another couple weeks I'll really try to talk to her and find out. I just think it's good that she could be around me in this positive setting.

I appreciate that and that's probably a good idea too. I'm really focused on the fact that, well, I need to somehow show her that I don't really need all the affection and stuff I was pushing for, and that it was based on my insecurity, which I'm improving. It's weird because without the context of a relationship that might be difficult, at least in the short term. Is it a bad idea to actually ask her if she wants more space and how much, if so? I'm still not sure where we stand, as well, though I doubt she just sees me as an ex or anything. Even when things were great she didn't initiate much, I think....I'm sure she liked some attention but that I ended up going way too far with it. Rather, she likely wouldn't seek much out on her own from me or really anyone. She's more the type to take an opportunity for an activity or plan and not make effort to create one herself, especially if it involves other people. Neither of us have seen Kubo though, I heard it's great. Gotta keep that in mind.

Yeah, I think you're right about a lot of that actually. I thought I was doing the right thing but she'd probably have been much happier if I'd stayed aloof and relaxed about everything. I saw all these other relationships and how they behave and figured I should try to mimic them somehow, but that was wrong too. I'm sure we are emotionally compatible but I lost sight of that in this confusion. She's been in a few other relationships but nothing longer than 6 months, and she had explicitly stated that she didn't enjoy or pursue sexuality with them but that it was different with me. I did see that it was going downhill and I suppose partially my answer to that was to be extra attentive and praising, because I really did think it would help, but I achieved the opposite effect. The question right now really is how I can show her that I don't need or even want to be that way, and that I was just doing all this stuff for her sake. I'm certainly less insecure now than I was for the past couple of months, actually. Maybe I need to focus on rebuilding the friendship first though anyway, because I think that's been damaged as well by all this confusion. I'm mainly a little worried that either she'll take the sudden space I'm giving her as coldness or disinterest, or that by giving it too much time she'll just drift away and lose interest in fixing it. I don't think she'd go out of her way to talk about it much just because she's not usually the one to initiate communication, even in a positive situation. The idea right now is to 'let the dust settle' I suppose but since I haven't said anything to her about any of this for a week and a half, I have no idea what she wants or thinks at the moment, how how long I should give it.

I didn't even know a person who isn't hungry could want food. Huh. Yeah, we never had set boundaries. It was all vague and cloudy I suppose. Keep in mind she never had 0 interest in these things though, it just died down to a point of being incredibly rare. I kept thinking there was some rhyme or reason to that as well, perhaps that I could do/say something to get her more interested. Wow, that's a bit manipulative though, isn't it? I hadn't really reflected on that. Also, that 'change' mentality was mostly based on the fact that it had been so different for at least the first 6 months. I would like to mention some things that led me to beliefs regarding fear of intimacy and self consciousness, because maybe somebody can shed light on that anyway: -Despite being thin and generally considered very attractive by people around her, under no circumstances would she own/wear a two piece bathing suit, preferring a sort of skirt thing for her bottoms. -Even when she was fine being sexual and naked, she always wanted to be fully clothed around me when not doing anything sexual, and would generally demand I look away or leave the room whether she was putting clothes on or just changing them. -Sometimes if I said something about her looking nice, especially in the morning or when she didn't have makeup on, she was argumentative, even demanding that she must look terrible. -She would often suddenly change her mind regarding sexuality but especially just affection, telling me she didn't want anything and quickly being very affectionate on her own anyway. -She really enjoyed erotic fan-fictions and manga, as well as japanese romantic women-oriented reverse harem dating games, yet never seemed to want to mimic or act out anything, despite occasionally obsessing over some characters. See, frankly, all of this stuff was confusing to me. At least, from my perspective, with no judgement, these led me to believe that she was sort of repressing some desires/feelings, and that she had terrible self esteem regarding her body and looks. I surely misinterpreted this stuff, but I don't know what else it would mean, either.