I hate ideals and everything to do with Idealism. And yet, I find that I am an Idealist. It is a strange thing to realize, that you loathe the very being you are in part. But, it is hard to help that in such a case. I hate the very notion of it, the very thought of what an ideal is. A standard held so far above someone's head, that it can never be realistically obtained. They are what society holds us to; The blunt instruments they use to beat us into submission and curb the ways we act. They corral us, and force us to be the way society wishes us to be. They are broken goals, dreams, fantasies, the things we wish we could be, but cannot. They restrict, break and ruin people. But, I cannot hate them entirely. For they do bring good with them as well. For every side there is another. If we flip the coin, on the other side lies hope and beauty. Ideals... they give us something to strive for, to live for. They are something we can chase in an effort to better our self. And, no matter how endless that chase we must do it any way. Because how can one know something is hopeless if they never dare to try? If they never dare to strive towards the horizon, they can never know that it cannot be reached. If you don't try you will never truly know, and that is why you must try anyway. When you realize, you become one of the damned like me I suppose. How clearly I can see the beauty in it, and yet the evil that preys on the blind and the daft. Those that allow themselves to be lead without looking at their path without understanding it. And yet those that do understand, are damned to realize just how horrible the path that lies before them is. How black and twisted it is. How to move forward, we must drive ourselves towards a goal we can never reach, a Horizon we will always see, but never touch. It will forever be out of our grasps. But we cannot go back, nor can we sit still and not move. If we did that, how would we know if we didn't just give up to early, that because we gave up... that it was our lack of will and fortitude that caused us to lose the grasp of the horizon? Would it have been our fault that it slipped through our fingers? And that is why we must press on towards the hopeless horizon, for if we stop we never know we couldn't reach it. Besides, there is another silver lining in all of this. What if we prove our self wrong? What if we do touch the horizon? Well, I wouldn't mind losing then if I could achieve that. And if we are right about it? Right that we cannot touch the horizon? Well, then we were correct all along. We were right in the end and we called that it couldn't done. And that means whether we are wrong or right, we win. We win both ways. Why play the game when you can lose? If you have the option to always win... why not seize the moment, and take that opportunity? That is how one forges their own destiny. Seizing those opportunities in the palm of their hand.
It is a pain to be that which you hate... the thing you loathe most. It could very easily tear you apart at the seams. But, it is a necessary evil to rig the game, to put all the chips on your side, and in your favour. It is a path not everyone can walk, but I choose to because it is the only path I know, the only path that makes sense. I contradict myself, so that I can forge forward. Every action, to prove myself wrong to see just how right I am. And If I am right, I win. And if I am wrong, I find something so beautiful truly does exist. And guess what... that means I still win. I will win... because I cannot lose. You can only lose if you see everything as win or lose. There is never two states of opposition. There are infinite possibilities. One only need open their eyes, and look for them.
I live on the razor's edge, the path that lies within the middle. I could fall off either side into despair; I could lose who I am. And yet, I still walk. I put one foot in front of the other and I tread onward. Because, I am not afraid to chase the horizon and I am not afraid to be who I am. I am not afraid to go against the very fiber of my being. I dare to dare, and I chase that which I cannot catch... because if it wasn't a struggle, it wouldn't be worth chasing.