I'm just going to be quick ((hehe, best joke I heard all week.)) and honest, I don't think I can really continue on this RP. While I love the concept, the ideas and the overarching of what I was trying to do with it. However I quickly kinda found a few things. I've sorta been reflecting on this the past few days and obssessin' over it so I just, yea know it's probably time to get things off my chest.
A. I bit off a bit much than I could chew, more or less setting up the plot etc... way to much while the RP was running to the point it nearly became another writing project for me. The problem was, I never really intended this RP to be run in this fashion, and meant it to be much more open in it's presentation. I more wanted this to be the player's thing. I wanted it to not just be the big ol' Hukuna show. Kinda bungled that one to some degree.
B. While I did really get to poke at the systems I was working on... I really found to came just why it doesn't work for me. This RP really has sorta shown to me personally why I miss having a bit more of the structure that comes from rolls, etc that are more common in tabletop type games. They take a lot of pressure off of my creative skills and allow me to have something to react to organically. Basically there's a lot less improvising on rulings etc... I don't have to interpret and arbitrate everything in the background. ((I find this... extremely silly since one of the principles of why I started this thing was to give more freedom in characters etc... though in another merit, having a more concrete ruling system would lead to much more being basically understood and would probably show much more in the ways of freedom.))
C. In honesty, I feel like I've definitely failed pretty hard on this project. It's been a rough run ever since the beginning, at least for me. While at one point I was enjoying myself and hosting this it's more or less gotten to a point for me it's just a stress point. The posts need to be too big for the story aspects... and I find that a lot of players ended up waiting on me. I found further due to my rush to get things out I'd forgot certain players constantly ((and a certain one consistently. Sorry Murdoc.)) I feel like, in some of the ambitions of this project I ended up getting carried away and trying to do something too big, at least too big for myself at this time. I find that the more I think about it, the more I dread wanting to work on this. I find myself moving more and more towards a place where I'd just despise working on it at all. ((I've not yet and can definitely look back on some scenes in this fondly and at some of the characters as such as well. Sybil and a lot of her scenes with Lotus were very fun for me, cause they were seriously out of my comfort zone of playing a woman who just owned her sexiness and just how intimidating she was. It was a pretty unique experience for me at the least and I ended up really enjoying it.)) So, I don't want to say it was an utter failure. Cause it wasn't, it was excessively flawed and a lot on my part, but it wasn't a waste of time. I learned a lot of things, and will grow from it. There was things I legitimately had a blast playing out and I'm sure there were parts all of you loved as well.
All those things aside, this has just become such a major point of stress for me. Like... extremely major. Because it's one of those things that I feel like I lose no matter what i end up doing. I really don't want to have to stop this project, I really don't. But, I know if I try and continue it's just going to drive me bonkers. It's jsut going to cause all the more heartache if I try to brute force it. It's just going to end up rippin' my apart not giving ya guys what you deserve. Y'all deserve better from me. A lot better than updates that take months at times... etc etc. So rather than keep bashing my head into a brick wall, and trying to persist no matter what, I'm going to let go instead.
It's going to fucking suck to have to do so frankly.
However, I have to. I just have to. All the pain from it now? Eh... I'll live eventually despite how shitty I'm feeling, how I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'll get over that in time. However, if I just let this fester and get worse by trying to continue... it's jsut going to make me feel like crap everyday until I do. And then I'll just have to let go of it then and it ain't going to hurt any less. Hell probably would a lot more. So, I have to throw in the towel for this one. I apologize for taking this long to realize and leaving this hanging wide open like I have... since I've probably been feeling this way about it for awhile and not really ever noticed I was. Shitty thing to admit but I'm pretty terrible at knowing my own feelings at times.
Anyway, thanks to those who participated all this time, for puttin' up with how slow I've been etc. Thanks for the fun interactions and the good things we did manage to do. Thanks for stickin' around and trying to make this mad house work lol. I just hope you're aren't too disappointed in my decision.
As an aside, the other series for Heartless Souls, Requiem of Ages Past shall be continuing. Just cause I'm cancellin' the RP doesn't mean I'm about to cancel that. I'm pretty sure it can stand on it's own well enough.
And lastly, I think I'm going to take a hiatus from hosting for awhile on here. I've sorta... lost my passion for it. It's just osmething I've not really had the enrgy or the drive to truly do for awhile now. I think I've been fooling myself, trying to really push myself to prove I still wanted to far too long. But, It's just... not really there for me anymore. I think it's really been since Graterras RP back in the day so unexpectedly died on me that a lot of the magic, the drive... the enjoyment for me has sorta evaporated from hosting. It's jsut not something I'm really enjoying right now. I don't know if that will be the case forever... but for now, I think it's more or less a time I will retire from hosting so to speak. I've done... quite a lot in my days here. Hell... I know many would attribute most of the fact that this sub-forum is even still kicking to me... but really, I'm only part of the equation. Y'all are just as important if not more important then I. A community thrives on those who make it up, not just the one leadin' it.)). I think at least in the role of a host it's time for me to step down for a bit, and leave it to those who wish to take up the mantle.
There's far more capable ones than I out there.
I've already locked the IC thread, however, I suppose I'll leave this thread open for a little while so people an say their farewells if they so wish. It's been a good one, and one that for a huge part of it I enjoyed. I hope, that at least in some part y'all that have played, read along, or were involved in any capacity... have too.
Anyway, with that I suppose I shall wrap up here.
With Love and a most certainly heavy heart,
Hukuna Sensei.