Damn it... Mareek thought to himself, looking at Lana with a defeated look in his eyes. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to talk about it... guess there's no point in trying to hide it since I keep coming back to think about it anyway. "It's a bit of both, I guess..." He sighed, resting the stick on his shoulder idely as Nemo sidled closer in concern, drawing the boy's attention. No... I'd rather he not have to hear this and be worried. And the same goes with Java. My problems aren't their burdens to bear... Without seemingly any warning he took out the Cubone's ball and recalled him in a flash of white, sending out Erce instead where the orphan had just been standing. Erce already knows everything there is to about it though... It won't be anything new to her. she'd already carried some of this for me.
"I guess I honestly can't hide it then," he went on, leaning against the stick Nemo had fetched, actually a bit surprised by how sturdy the thing held up when he did so. "It was what Jacob was spouting on about during our battle... when I gave Java the order to use Discharge on the Ice Field. How he claimed that all I thought about was the offensive potential of the attack and not Java's safety... I still don't know what the fuck he was seeing at that moment, because the only reason I even gave such an order at all in that situation was because I knew Java's hovering around would keep him safe... after that, I honestly just stopped caring about the fight. I just wanted it to end, didn't care how or who won, I just wanted to stop fighting period. What he said, it... it got me thinking about something that happened when I was a kid..."
Erce stood keeping a close watch of the confession, having backed up a little to keep things in perspective. Her eyes followed Mareek's body language, noting everything that was said as the old worry started creeping back up more and more. It was undeniable at this point; the kid was slipping back into it again, slipping back into what she had dragged him out of the first time. And the scariest thing to Erce was that this, this beginning stage she was witnessing, that she had seen and gone through with him already in the past, could be a far much harder fall than the original one had been... a fall that he might not get up from this time.
"My dad died when I was about eight or so," Her trainer continued, eyes growing darker. "It was during a battle from what I was told; He had been Electrocuted by a Discharge attack from his opponent... and he was soaking wet from a misfire of a water type attack that had been launched earlier. They said his heart was completely fried instantly..." He cast a wayward glance at Jacob in the distance, his eyes holding some strange mixture of anger shame, spiked with a bit of old hurt as he watched the other boy chat it up with the Cottonee Trainer. His voice was far softer when he spoke up again, void of the unshakeable sense of cold confidence he usually had to his words and actions.
It felt as though something was tearing away at him bit by bit; for some reason it felt as though he had failed some great task, some great task to be a better man than his brother, actually, no, not a better man, but just to be a better fucking human being than him. That was honestly all he'd been trying for, it was the only thing he had found that he could drive himself to do; be superior, be better. Not to everyone, just to the one guy who had wronged him most of all... to his brother. And if he had managed to fail in even that; If he was no better than the man, but exactly the same afterall, what did that make him? what had all his effort and determination over these last seven years been? He had just completely wasted the entire time trying to become something better than he was ever meant to be; at least, that was the conclusion he had kept coming back to, over and over again since the fight had ended not long ago.
It had been the reason why he had gotten off the field as quickly as he had. The reason why he didn't want to talk at first when he came over here, then when Lana had said it was a brilliant idea, he'd tried shoving the thoughts away, tried distracting himself with talking. There was just one issue though... the damn thoughts kept coming back every time.
"What he said about it being stupid to electrocute the pool..." he said, beginning to completely break up in composure as he felt the sting of the urge of tears in his throat, overcome by the crushing implications of the persistent ponderings that had been evoked. "It got me thinking: what if he was right about me? Java was completely safe, but still what if he is right on some level? what if I am like that, so reckless that I'd give such an order that was probably a lot like the one that killed my Dad? If he's wrong... then why the hell did the idea to do what I did even pop into my mind when Nemo went down?" the stick fell out from under his elbow as he sank to the ground in a sitting position, hiding his face from the girl as he felt the hot tang of tears on his face and their salt in his mouth, beginning to sob silently with his head held in his palms, his elbows on his knees.
Erce had seen enough, far more than enough, walking over to his side and placing the flat of her scythe around his shoulder in support as she knelt down, casting a glance over at Jacob herself now, silently cursing the boy for unknowingly pulling the string that had just proved to bring down all the work she had done. But she didn't have time to let her feelings of wrath linger on the other student... right now she had the more important task of trying to figure out how to salvage all of this before things turned into a complete clusterfuck and she wouldn't be able to. Maybe it was time to see what this girl here could do to help; After all, he'd opened up a lot more to her than Erce had seen with anyone else ever...
"What if I'm no better than the guy who killed him?" Mareek asked, barely audible now. The moment the scyther heard that, she shot a hot glance at the breeder, the fiercely protective glint and drive in her eyes coupled with her equally as fiery expression practically demanding that the girl say something and help her fix this official Charlie Foxtrot. Damn it, how she hated not being capable of human speech right now...