Felicity

(sigh, this again)

Whenever you have a character, you must do your best to constantly remind us that they are human. It's okay if you want to create a sense of mystery like you did with the chase sequence before you introduced as to Allison, but once you formally introduce us, you should try to fulfill that obligation.

not that you'll read this considering it's gone from the status wall but, this is third person writing that is still from the perspective of one character. First Avery, who had no idea who Alison was or any way to perceive what she was thinking, and then Thomas, who doesn't regard Avery as anything more than a job. The change in perspective waas signalled by the split.

like the audience is seeing things from an over the shoulder view with a tap into one persons thoughts at a time.