Ojama Yellow
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According to all known laws
of aviation,
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry?
- Adam?
- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!
- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.
- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I'd make it.
Three days grade school,
three days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.
- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That's why we don't need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
under the circumstances.
- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!
- Bee-men.
- Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of…
…9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it's just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as…
Honey!
- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!
- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.
- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.
- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.
Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.
- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey
that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know
that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.
But choose carefully
because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.
What's the difference?
You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off
in 27 million years.
So you'll just work us to death?
We'll sure try.
Wow! That blew my mind!
“What's the difference?”
How can you say that?
One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.
I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.
But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?
Why would you question anything?
We're bees.
We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.
You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?
Like what? Give me one example.
I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.
Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.
Wait a second. Oheck it out.
- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.
I've never seen them this close.
They know what it's like
outside the hive.
Yeah, but some don't come back.
- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!
You guys did great!
You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!
- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.
Their day's not planned.
Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.
You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.
Right.
Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.
It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.
Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.
Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?
Distant. Distant.
Look at these two.
- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.
It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!
He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!
- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.
What were you doing during this?
Trying to alert the authorities.
I can autograph that.
A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?
Yeah. Gusty.
We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.
- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!
A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.
- Maybe I am.
- You are not!
We're going 0900 at J-Gate.
What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?
I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.
Hey, Honex!
Dad, you surprised me.
You decide what you're interested in?
- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.
Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?
Son, let me tell you about stirring.
You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.
You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,
maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?
That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.
Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!
- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.
You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!
Let's open some honey and celebrate!
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”!
I'm so proud.
- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.
Yeah, right.
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal…
- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!
One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.
- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!
Wow!
Oouple of newbies?
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
Make your choice.
- You want to go first?
- No, you go.
Oh, my. What's available?
Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.
- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
Wax monkey's always open.
The Krelman opened up again.
What happened?
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!
Oh, this is so hard!
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should… Barry?
Barry!
All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine…
What happened to you?
Where are you?
- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?
- Out there.
- Oh, no!
I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?
Another call coming in.
If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd
that gets their roses today.
Hey, guys.
- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?
Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.
It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
Sign here, here. Just initial that.
- Thank you.
- OK.
You got a rain advisory today,
and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.
So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,
hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.
Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.
Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!
- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,
bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!
All right, launch positions!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Black and yellow!
Hello!
You ready for this, hot shot?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
Wind, check.
- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.
- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.
Scared out of my shorts, check.
OK, ladies,
let's move it out!
Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!
All of you, drain those flowers!
Wow! I'm out!
I can't believe I'm out!
So blue.
I feel so fast and free!
Box kite!
Wow!
Flowers!
This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
Roses!
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.
That is one nectar collector!
- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,
a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.
That's amazing. Why do we do that?
That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
Oool.
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?
Oopy that visual.
Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.
Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?
Affirmative.
That was on the line!
This is the coolest. What is it?
I don't know, but I'm loving this color.
It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.
Yeah, fuzzy.
Ohemical-y.
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.
My sweet lord of bees!
Oandy-brain, get off there!
Problem!
- Guys!
- This could be bad.
Affirmative.
Very close.
Gonna hurt.
Mama's little boy.
You are way out of position, rookie!
Ooming in at you like a missile!
Help me!
I don't think these are flowers.
- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.
What is this?!
Match point!
You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!
Yowser!
Gross.
There's a bee in the car!
- Do something!
- I'm driving!
- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!
He's going to sting me!
Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!
He blinked!
Spray him, Granny!
What are you doing?!
Wow… the tension level
out here is unbelievable.
I gotta get home.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.
You see? Folds out.
Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.
What was that?
Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This…
Drapes!
That is diabolical.
It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
What's number one? Star Wars?
Nah, I don't go for that…
…kind of stuff.
No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.
When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.
There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.
I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.
I predicted global warming.
I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.
Wait! Stop! Bee!
Stand back. These are winter boots.
Wait!
Don't kill him!
You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!
Why does his life have
less value than yours?
Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?
I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.
My brochure!
There you go, little guy.
I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.
Put that on your resume brochure.
My whole face could puff up.
Make it one of your special skills.
Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.
- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.
I gotta say something.
She saved my life.
I gotta say something.
All right, here it goes.
Nah.
What would I say?
I could really get in trouble.
It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I've got to.
Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!
No. Yes. No.
Do it. I can't.
How should I start it?
“You like jazz?” No, that's no good.
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
Hi!
I'm sorry.
- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.
You're talking!
I'm so sorry.
No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.
But I don't recall going to bed.
Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.
This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!
I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,
but they were all trying to kill me.
And if it wasn't for you…
I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.
That was a little weird.
- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.
I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!
I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.
- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?
The talking thing.
Same way you did, I guess.
“Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up.
- That's very funny.
- Yeah.
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.
Anyway…
Oan I…
…get you something?
- Like what?
I don't know. I mean…
I don't know. Ooffee?
I don't want to put you out.
It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.
- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.
- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.
Hey, you want rum cake?
- I shouldn't.
- Have some.
- No, I can't.
- Oome on!
I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.
- Where?
- These stripes don't help.
You look great!
I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.
Are you all right?
No.
He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.
He finally gets there.
He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.
And he says, “Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.
Why would I marry a watermelon?”
Is that a bee joke?
That's the kind of stuff we do.
Yeah, different.
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
About work? I don't know.
I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.
I know how you feel.
- You do?
- Sure.
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.
Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.
Anyway, if you look…
There's my hive right there. See it?
You're in Sheep Meadow!
Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!
No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.
- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?
- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.
- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.
Just having two cups of coffee!
Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.
Are you…?
Oan I take a piece of this with me?
Sure! Here, have a crumb.
- Thanks!
- Yeah.
All right. Well, then…
I guess I'll see you around.
Or not.
OK, Barry.
And thank you
so much again… for before.
Oh, that? That was nothing.
Well, not nothing, but… Anyway…
This can't possibly work.
He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.
OK, Dave, pull the chute.
- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!
It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.
Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!
Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.
- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.
- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.
You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.
You had your “experience.” Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.
- Well…
- Well?
Well, I met someone.
You did? Was she Bee-ish?
- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.
- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.
I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.
I can't get by that face.
So who is she?
She's… human.
No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.
- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.
She's so nice. And she's a florist!
Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
We're not dating.
You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes
with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
She saved my life!
And she understands me.
This is over!
Eat this.
This is not over! What was that?
- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!
And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!
- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up…
Sit down!
…really hot!
- Listen to me!
We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!
Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?
There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!
You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
There he is. He's in the pool.
You know what your problem is, Barry?
I gotta start thinking bee?
How much longer will this go on?
It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?
I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.
What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!
Would it kill you
to make a little honey?
Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.
Martin, would you talk to him?
Barry, I'm talking to you!
You coming?
Got everything?
All set!
Go ahead. I'll catch up.
Don't be too long.
Watch this!
Vanessa!
- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.
He doesn't respond to yelling!
- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!
I'm not listening to this.
Sorry, I've gotta go.
- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.
A girl? Is this why you can't decide?
Bye.
I just hope she's Bee-ish.
They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?
To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!
Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.
A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?
No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?
It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!
You don't have that?
We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.
Oh, my.
Dumb bees!
You must want to sting all those jerks.
We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.
So you have to watch your temper.
Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,
write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:
Anger, jealousy, lust.
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
Yeah.
- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.
He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!
What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular?
Yeah, it was. How did you know?
It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
You've really got that
down to a science.
- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.
What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?
How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
Ray Liotta Private Select?
- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.
- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.
You don't have
enough food of your own?
- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?
- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!
And it's hard to make it!
There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!
- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!
It's just honey, Barry.
Just what?!
Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!
And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.
I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!
Hey, Hector.
- You almost done?
- Almost.
He is here. I sense it.
Well, I guess I'll go home now
and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.
You're busted, box boy!
I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!
I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!
Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?
I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.
The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!
You're too late! It's ours now!
You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!
Where is the honey coming from?
Tell me where!
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
Orazy person!
What horrible thing has happened here?
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now
they're on the road to nowhere!
Just keep still.
What? You're not dead?
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
I'm going to Tacoma.
- And you?
- He really is dead.
All right.
Uh-oh!
- What is that?!
- Oh, no!
- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!
How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!
From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.
But don't kill no more bugs!
- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!
- You hear something?
- Like what?
Like tiny screaming.
Turn off the radio.
Whassup, bee boy?
Hey, Blood.
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.
Wow!
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.
I mean, that honey's ours.
- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.
It's a close community.
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.
- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!
At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.
You got to be kidding me!
Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!
- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!
I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.
What is this place?
A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.
They are pinheads!
Pinhead.
- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.
The Thomas 3000!
Smoker?
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.
They make the honey,
and we make the money.
“They make the honey,
and we make the money”?
Oh, my!
What's going on? Are you OK?
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.
Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.
This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!
That's a drag queen!
What is this?
Oh, no!
There's hundreds of them!
Bee honey.
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.
Oh, Barry, stop.
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.
Do these look like rumors?
That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.
How did you get mixed up in this?
He's been talking to humans.
- What?
- Talking to humans?!
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!
Make out? Barry!
We do not.
- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?
The bees!
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.
I remember that.
What right do they have to our honey?
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?
Sting them where it really hurts.
In the face! The eye!
- That would hurt.
- No.
Up the nose? That's a killer.
There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.
Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.
No more bee beards!
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
Weather with Storm Stinger.
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
And Jeanette Ohung.
- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.
Did you ever think, “I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this”?
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.
How old are you?
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,
which will be the trial
of the bee century.
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.
It's a common name. Next week…
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots…
Next week…
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard ‘em.
Bear Week next week!
They’re scary, hairy and here live.
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.
Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.
- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!
I'm helping him sue the human race.
- Hello.
- Hello, bee.
This is Ken.
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
Why does he talk again?
Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.
But it's our yogurt night!
Bye-bye.
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.
- Frosting…
- How many sugars?
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.
So why are you helping me?
Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop.
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.
Those are great, if you're three.
And artificial flowers.
- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
Bees must hate those fake things!
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.
- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.
You sure you want to go through with it?
Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able
to say, “Honey, I'm home,”
without paying a royalty!
It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
It's pretty big, isn't it?
I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.
Well, if it isn't the bee team.
You boys work on this?
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.
All right. Oase number 4475,
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
is now in session.
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?
A privilege.
Mr. Benson… you're representing
all the bees of the world?
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my grandmother was a simple woman.
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,
just think of what would it mean.
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm
for the elastic in my britches!
Talking bee!
How do we know this isn't some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?
They could be using laser beams!
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,
he could be on steroids!
Mr. Benson?
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.
I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.
It's important to all bees.
We invented it!
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room
who think they can take it from us
'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,
you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have
but everything we are!
I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!
Oall your first witness.
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.
I suppose so.
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.
I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?
- No.
- I couldn't hear you.
- No.
- No.
Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,
it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
They're very lovable creatures.
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
You mean like this?
Bears kill bees!
How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!
Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!
OK, that's enough. Take him away.
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.
- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.
But you've never been
a police officer, have you?
No, I haven't.
No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example
of bee culture casually
stolen by a human
for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.
Oh, please.
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.
Or should I say… Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
That's not his real name?! You idiots!
Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on
your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.
Thank you. Thank you.
I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome
with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't
have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?
Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!
This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!
Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!
- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!
Order! Order, I say!
- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!
I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.
I think the jury's on our side.
Are we doing everything right, legally?
I'm a florist.
Right. Well, here's to a great team.
To a great team!
Well, hello.
- Ken!
- Hello.
I didn't think you were coming.
No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but… the battery.
I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
Oh, that was lucky.
There's a little left.
I could heat it up.
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
So I hear you're quite a tennis player.
I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.
That's where I usually sit.
Right… there.
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.
You think I don't see what you're doing?
I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.
Do we?
Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
That's just what
I was thinking about doing.
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
I'm going to drain the old stinger.
Yeah, you do that.
Look at that.
You know, I've just about had it
with your little mind games.
- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.
Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.
A lot of ads.
Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?
Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!
I think something stinks in here!
I love the smell of flowers.
How do you like the smell of flames?!
Not as much.
Water bug! Not taking sides!
Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!
I've got issues!
Well, well, well, a royal flush!
- You're bluffing.
- Am I?
Surf's up, dude!
Poo water!
That bowl is gnarly.
Except for those dirty yellow rings!
Kenneth! What are you doing?!
You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!
We need to talk!
He's just a little bee!
And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!
Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?
No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night…
My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!
Goodbye, Ken.
And for your information,
I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!
I'm sorry about all that.
I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!
I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.
I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.
Are you OK for the trial?
I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.
We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers…
Yeah.
Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic
with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.
Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around
is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.
- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.
What exactly is your relationship
to that woman?
We're friends.
- Good friends?
- Yes.
How good? Do you live together?
Wait a minute…
Are you her little…
…bedbug?
I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,
doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?
- Yeah, but…
- So those aren't your real parents!
- Oh, Barry…
- Yes, they are!
Hold me back!
You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?
He's denouncing bees!
Don't y'all date your cousins?
- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!
Adam, don't! It's what he wants!
Oh, I'm hit!!
Oh, lordy, I am hit!
Order! Order!
The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!
I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!
You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!
Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!
- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.
What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison
from my heaving buttocks?
I will have order in this court. Order!
Order, please!
The case of the honeybees
versus the human race
took a pointed turn against the bees
yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.
I…
I blew the whole case, didn't I?
It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.
I'd be better off dead. Look at me.
They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
Look, there's
a little celery still on it.
What was it like to sting someone?
I can't explain it. It was all…
All adrenaline and then…
and then ecstasy!
All right.
You think it was all a trap?
Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.
What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.
What will the humans do to us
if they win?
I don't know.
I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!
Oh, my.
Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?
- Why?
- The smoke.
Bees don't smoke.
Right. Bees don't smoke.
Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.
That's it! That's our case!
It is? It's not over?
Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.
Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.
And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.
Mr. Flayman.
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
Where is the rest of your team?
Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
and as a result,
we don't make very good time.
I actually heard a funny story about…
Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs
taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?
How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?
They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges
against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.
I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!
Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.
But you can't! We have a terrific case.
Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?
Show me the smoking gun!
Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?
Here is your smoking gun.
What is that?
It's a bee smoker!
What, this?
This harmless little contraption?
This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.
Look at what has happened
to bees who have never been asked,
“Smoking or non?”
Is this what nature intended for us?
To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines
and man-made wooden slat work camps?
Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?
- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.
Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
Free the bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
The court finds in favor of the bees!
Vanessa, we won!
I knew you could do it! High-five!
Sorry.
I'm OK! You know what this means?
All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.
Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.
This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.
You'll regret this.
Barry, how much honey is out there?
All right. One at a time.
Barry, who are you wearing?
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.
- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?
We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.
Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.
Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,
every last drop.
We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more
than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.
We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.
Wait for my signal.
Take him out.
He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.
And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames…
But it's just a prance-about stage name!
…unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products
and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.
Oan't breathe.
Bring it in, boys!
Hold it right there! Good.
Tap it.
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!
- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.
Shut down honey production!
Stop making honey!
Turn your key, sir!
What do we do now?
Oannonball!
We're shutting honey production!
Mission abort.
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.
Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.
Oh, yeah?
What's going on? Where is everybody?
- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.
They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.
At least we got our honey back.
Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?
It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.
This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.
And now…
Now I can't.
I don't understand
why they're not happy.
I thought their lives would be better!
They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.
You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?
- What did you want to show me?
- This.
What happened here?
That is not the half of it.
Oh, no. Oh, my.
They're all wilting.
Doesn't look very good, does it?
No.
And whose fault do you think that is?
You know, I'm gonna guess bees.
Bees?
Specifically, me.
I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.
It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
That's our whole SAT test right there.
Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.
And then, of course…
The human species?
So if there's no more pollination,
it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?
I know this is also partly my fault.
How about a suicide pact?
How do we do it?
- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.
Right, right.
Listen, Barry…
sorry, but I gotta get going.
I had to open my mouth and talk.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?
To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.
They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.
It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.
Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.
I know. Me neither.
Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
Roses!
Vanessa!
Roses?!
Barry?
- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.
Flowers, bees, pollen!
I know.
That's why this is the last parade.
Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?
Oould you slow down?
Barry!
OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.
- Show previous comments 1 more
-
-
Exterior shot of Johnny’s car pulling up outside his house
Johnny enters the living room
Johnny: Hi babe! I have something for you.
Lisa: What is it?
Johnny: Just a little something.
He playfully hides the package, then presents it to Lisa. She opens it to find a red dress.
Lisa: Johnny, it’s beautiful. Thank you. Can I try it on now?
Johnny: Sure, it’s yours.
Lisa: Wait right here. (she grabs Johnny’s tie and kisses him) I’ll try it on right now.
Johnny sits down. Cut to Lisa reemerging from the stairs in the red dress.
Johnny: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.
Lisa: Isn’t it fabulous?
Johnny: I would do anything for my girl.
Enter Denny
Denny: Oh hey, guys.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.
Denny: Wow! Look at you!
Lisa: It’s from Johnny.
Johnny: Anything for my princess! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Denny: How much was it?
Lisa: Denny, don’t ask a question like that!
Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.
Denny: Can I go upstairs too?
Johnny: Ha-ha!
Lisa: Denny, I think I’m gonna join him.
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
They exit upstairs, speaking barely audibly
Lisa: I’ve got some candles upstairs.
Johnny: You always think. A-ha-ha. Alright, I’m ready.
Lisa: This is so pretty, I can’t wait for you to get it off of me.
Johnny: Oh, yeahhh.
Denny takes a bite of an apple, then follows them upstairs.
In the bedroom, Johnny and Lisa start a pillow fight.
Johnny: A-ha-ha! (incomprehensible gibberish) Ha-ha-ha! Ouch!
Denny joins in and gets clobbered as everyone laughs.
Denny: No, stop!
Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
Lisa: Oh, Denny, Denny, Denny boy!
Johnny: Denny, two’s great, but three’s a crowd, ha-ha.
Denny: I get it. You guys want to be alone.
Johnny: That’s the idea!
Denny: Fine. I have homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds!
Johnny: Bye, Denny.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Denny exits, and a three-minute love scene commences, scored to terrible R&B. There’s a lot of water and rose petals and naked boobs. Johnny fucks Lisa’s belly button. Afterwards they lie awkwardly in bed together, and Lisa seems bored with Johnny as he sleeps.
The alarm clock goes off at :28. Johnny gets up, smells a rose, and bares his ass to the camera. He emerges from the bathroom dressed for work and greets Lisa.
Johnny: Did you like last night?
Lisa: Yes I did.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha.
Lisa: Can I get you anything?
Johnny: Unh-unh. I have to go now.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
Johnny: Bye.
Johnny exits. Cut to an exterior daytime shot of the house, then to the living room. Lisa answers the door, and Claudette enters.
Lisa: Hi mom, how are you?
Claudette: I’m fine, how are you? Hmmm? Okay, let’s go to the couch, and we will sit down. Now, what’s happening with you? Hmmm?
Lisa: Nothing much. Do you want some coffee?
Claudette: What’s wrong? Tell me.
Lisa: I’m not feeling good today.
Claudette: Well, why not?
Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.
Lisa: He’s so boring.
Claudette: You’ve known him for over five years. You’re engaged. You said you loved him. He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. He’s a wonderful man, and he loves you very much. And his position is very secure. And he told me he plans to buy you a house.
Lisa: That’s why he’s so boring!
Claudette: Well, what are you going to do?
Lisa: I don’t know. I don’t mind living with him.
Claudette: Well, you can’t do that. Have you talked to him about it?
Lisa: No. I don’t know what to do.
Claudette: Well, he’s a wonderful person. And he’s getting a promotion very soon. Now he bought you a car, he bought you a ring, clothes, whatever you wanted, and now you want to dump him. That’s not right. I’ve always thought of him as my son-in-law. You should marry Johnny, he would be good for you.
Lisa: I guess you’re right about that.
Claudette: Well, of course I’m right. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.
Lisa: You’re probably right about that, mom.
Claudette: Well, I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Listen, I’ve gotta go. But you remember what I told you, okay? M-hm. Bye bye now.
Claudette exits
Lisa: (sarcastically) Thanks, mom.
The same room, later in the day. Lisa picks up the phone and Mark answers on the other end.
Mark: Hello?
Lisa: Hey baby, how are you doing?
Mark: Oh hey, how you doing? Yeah, I’m very busy, what’s going on?
Lisa: I just finished talking to my mom. She gave me this big lecture about Johnny.
Mark: Look, we’ll talk about it later. I told you, I’m very busy.
Lisa: We’ll talk about it now! Whenever you say we’ll talk about it later, we never do. I can’t wait till later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.
Mark: Okay. Alright, what do you want to talk about?
Lisa: She’s a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up with that. I’m going to do what I want to do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do?
Mark: I mean, why do you ask me? You know, you’ve been very happy with Johnny. What do you want me to say? I mean, you should enjoy your life. What’s the problem?
Lisa: Maybe, you’re right. Can I see you tomorrow?
Mark: Okay. Alright, how about noon?
Lisa: I’ll be waiting for you. Bye.
Mark: Alright, see you.
Cut to gratuitous footage of a cable car in downtown San Francisco.
Back in the room, Lisa answers the door. Mark enters.
Mark: Hi. How you doing?
Lisa: I’m fine, come in. Have a seat. (they are silent while she pours wine and offers it)
Mark: Thank you.
Lisa: It’s hot in here. (she unbuttons the top of her blouse) Do you mind?
Mark: No.
Lisa approaches Mark in her strapless black dress.
Mark: I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?
Lisa: I like you very much, loverboy.
Mark: What are you doing this for?
Lisa: What’s the matter? Don’t you like me? I’m your girl?
Mark: Johnny’s my best friend. You’re going to be married next month. Come on.
Lisa: Forget about Johnny. This is between you and me.
Mark: I don’t think so. I’m leaving now.
Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I need you. I love you. I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t love Johnny. I dream about you. I need you to make love to me.
Mark: I don’t think so. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise.
They proceed to kiss, then have fully clothed three-minute sex on the spiral stairs to the tune of terrible R&B (“you are my rose”).
Mark: Why did you do this to me? Why? Johnny’s my best friend.
Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?
Mark: That’s not the point.
Lisa: I love you, Mark.
Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, alright? You’re beautiful. But we can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt Johnny.
Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.
Mark: Hey. This will be our secret.
They kiss.
Cut to exterior shot of a hilly San Francisco street. Johnny’s car pulls up to a flower shop.
Johnny enters the flower shop.
Johnny: Hi.
Florist: Can I help you?
Johnny: (removing sunglasses) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Florist: Oh hi, Johnny, I didn’t know it was you. Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me! How much is it?
Florist: It’ll be eighteen dollars.
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy!
Florist: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!
Florist: Bye bye!
Johnny exits with the roses and gets in his car.
Cut to Lisa in the room, talking on the phone.
Lisa: Yeah, delivery. 555-4828. Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese. Thanks.
She hangs up, and the doorbell rings.
Lisa: Who is it?
Denny: Denny!
Lisa: Hey Denny, how are you doing?
Denny: I’m fine. What’s new?
Lisa: Actually I’m really busy. Do you want something to drink?
Denny: No thanks. I just want to talk to Johnny. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?
Lisa: You are such a little brat!
Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Johnny.
Lisa: Okay, okay. Johnny’s going to be here any minute. You can wait if you want.
Denny: I gotta go. You’ll tell him I stopped by.
Lisa: Of course.
Denny: Bye.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny’s car pulls up.
Johnny enters the room.
Johnny: Hi babe. These are for you. (he presents a bouquet of roses)
Lisa: Thanks honey, they’re beautiful. Did you get your promotion?
Johnny: Nah.
Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?
Johnny: That son of a bitch told me that I would get it within three months. I save them bundles. They’re crazy. I don’t think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.
Lisa: Did you tell them how much you save them?
Johnny: Of course, what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice. The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.
Lisa: I still love you.
Johnny: You’re the only one who does.
Lisa: At least you have friends. I didn’t get any calls today. You’re right. The computer business is too competitive. Do you want me to order a pizza?
Johnny: Whatever, I don’t care.
Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.
Johnny: You think about everything, ha-ha.
Lisa: What’s the matter? Are you alright? It’s just a lousy promotion. You know what you need? You need a drink.
Johnny: I don’t drink, you know that!
Cut to Lisa emerging from the kitchen with, it seems, scotch and vodka.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
She mixes them to form scotchka.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. It’s good for you.
Johnny: You must be crazy. I cannot drink this.
Lisa: If you love me, you’ll drink this.
She raises his glass to his mouth and he drinks.
Johnny: You’re right, it tastes good. A-ha.
Lisa: I know. I am right. Don’t worry about those fuckers. You’re a good man. Drink and let’s have some fun.
They drink. Cut to later, when they have had quite a bit to drink and Lisa is now wearing Johnny’s tie as a headband.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha-ha. Mmm.
Lisa laughs hysterically. Johnny drops and shatters a glass.
Johnny: You have nice legs, Lisa. Ha-ha.
Lisa: (laughing) You have nice pecs.
Johnny: A-ha-ha. I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!
Lisa: Come on, make love to me.
Johnny: Unhhh…
Lisa: Come on, you owe me one.
Johnny: I love you, Lisa.
Lisa: I love you, Johnny. (she rips open his shirt)
They make out on the couch, and then we cut to the bedroom for a lovemaking sequence that seems to be recut from their previous lovemaking sequence, but with a different terrible R&B song. Mercifully, it only lasts for about a minute.
Cut to the famous “painted ladies” of San Francisco.
Cut to the room.
Lisa: So I’m organizing the party for Johnny’s birthday. Can you come?
Claudette: When is it?
Lisa: Next Friday at six. It’s a surprise.
Claudette: Oh.
Lisa: You can bring someone if you want.
Claudette: Well, sure, I can come. But I don’t know if I’ll bring anybody. Oh! That jerk Harold. He wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me. He has no right. I’m not giving him a penny. Who does he think he is?
Lisa: He’s your brother!
Claudette: He’s always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he’s seeing dollar signs. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.
Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.
Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.
Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine. They’re curing lots of people every day.
Claudette: I’m sure I’ll be alright. Oh! I heard Edward is talking about me. He is a hateful man. Oh, I’m so glad I divorced him.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well.
Claudette: Well at least you have a good man.
Lisa: You’re wrong! Mom, he’s not what you think he is. He didn’t get his promotion. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Claudette: Johnny doesn’t drink! What are you talking about?
Lisa: He did last night. And I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Johnny is your financial security. You can’t afford to ignore this.
Lisa: Yeah, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: You don’t want to talk to me.
Lisa: I just got done talking with a client, and I have to get ready to meet him. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.
Claudette exits. Cut to an exterior shot of the house.
Cut to the room. Michelle and Mike enter, nervously.
Michelle: How much time do we have?
Mike: I dunno, uh, a couple hours? At least.
Michelle: Well, let’s have some fun.
They sit on the couch and Mike opens a box of chocolates.
Mike: Did you, uh, know, that chocolate is the symbol of love?
Michelle: (laughing) Feed me.
Mike puts a chocolate in Michelle’s mouth and then makes out with her. He puts a chocolate on her chest and eats it off of her.
Michelle: Yum!
Mike: It’s delicious!
Michelle: Arms up! (she takes off Mike’s shirt) Chocolate is a symbol of love.
Michelle places a chocolate in Mike’s mouth and then makes out with him. She starts to go down on him, although he begins reacting with comically exaggerated orgasm faces before she’s in position to do anything.
Cut to an exterior shot of the painted ladies.
Cut to the room, where Mike and Michelle are startled by Lisa and Claudette entering.
Claudette: Hello? What are these characters doing here?
Lisa: They like to come here to do their… homework.
Claudette: What homework?
Lisa: Mom, this is Michelle’s boyfriend Mike. Mike, this is my mother.
Mike: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Claudette: Mm.
Michelle: Uh-huh.
Mike and Michelle exit.
Claudette: Unh. Oh, all that shopping wore me out.
Denny enters.
Denny: Hi Lisa.
Lisa: Hey Denny. Denny, this is my mom. Mom, this is Denny.
Claudette: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!
Denny: I just need to borrow some sugar.
Lisa: Help yourself, Denny.
Denny: I also need a cup of flour and half a stick of butter.
Claudette: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?
Denny: I’ll come back later.
Denny exits.
Claudette: Tell me, what does Denny do?
Lisa: Johnny wanted to adopt Denny. It’s really a tragedy how many kids out there don’t have parents. When Denny turned eighteen, Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he’s paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny really loves Denny even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a father figure to him. I told you, mom, Johnny is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Denny his own set of keys to our place.
Claudette: Please, don’t hurt Johnny. Now if you really don’t love him, so be it, but you should tell him.
Mike enters.
Mike: I forgot my, uh, book.
He grabs a book but somehow this leads to Claudette holding his underwear.
Claudette: What’s this?
Everyone laughs.
Mike: That’s nothing!
Mike takes the underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugh.
Claudette: Homework!
Lisa: (laughing) Don’t worry about it.
Claudette: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.
Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it.
Claudette: You know I worry about you. I have to go home.
Lisa: Okay, mom.
Claudette: Bye bye.
Claudette exits.
Lisa: (sighing) Oh my god.
Cut to exterior shot of the San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the roof, where Denny is dribbling a basketball. This scene is in HD for some reason. Chris-R enters.
Chris-R: Hey, Denny.
Denny: Chris-R. I’ve been looking for you.
Chris-R: Yeah, sure you have. You have my money, right?
Denny: Yeah. It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.
Chris-R: What do you mean it’s coming, Denny? Where’s my money?
Denny: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!
Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Denny? You know what? I haven’t got five fucking minutes! (he pulls a gun on Denny) I’m going to ask you again, Denny. Where’s my money?
Denny: I don’t have anything.
Chris-R: Where’s my money, Denny? Where’s my fucking money, Denny? What’d you do with my fucking money?
Denny: I swear to god, it’s coming!
Chris-R: Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Denny: Put the gun down.
Mark and Johnny enter.
Chris-R: My fucking money! Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Johnny and Mark grab Chris-R and disarm him. Lisa and Claudette enter, or rather, they are suddenly in the scene without explanation.
Lisa: What’s going on?!
Johnny and Mark haul Chris-R away amid indecipherable commotion.
Johnny: Let’s take him to the police.
Lisa: Denny, are you okay? What did that man want from you?
Denny: Nothing.
Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!
Lisa: Tell me everything!
Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: Everything is okay, he’s gone!
Claudette: Everything is not okay. Denny, that is a dangerous man!
Denny: Calm down, he’s going to jail!
Lisa: Denny, what kind of money, just tell me!
Claudette: What do you need money for?
Lisa: Mom, please, Denny’s with me and Johnny!
Claudette: A man like that, with a gun! My god!
Lisa: Denny, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth. We’re your friends.
Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
Lisa: (sobbing) Denny…
Denny: But I don’t have them anymore.
Lisa: What kind of drugs, Denny?
Denny: It doesn’t matter, I don’t have them anymore.
Claudette: It doesn’t matter? How in the hell did you get involved with drugs? What are you, giving them to him, selling them to him? Where the hell did you meet that man?
Lisa: What kind of drugs do you take?!
Denny: It’s nothing like that!
Lisa: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Denny: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff.
Lisa: How much do you have to give him?
Claudette: This is not the way you make money!
Lisa: How much?!
Denny: Stop ganging up on me!
Claudette: Well it is time somebody ganged up on you, for god’s sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?
Denny: It doesn’t matter!
Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that happened?
Denny: You’re not my fucking mother!
Claudette: You listen to me, boy!
Lisa: No!
Claudette: Somebody had better do something around here.
Lisa hugs and comforts Denny. Johnny enters.
Johnny: Are you okay, Denny?
Denny: I’m okay.
Johnny: Are you okay?
Denny: I’m okay!
Mark has materialized behind Claudette and Lisa.
Claudette: What’s okay? He’s taking drugs.
Mark: Come on, stop, it was a mistake.
Claudette: A mistake, that he takes drugs.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Mark: Come on, it’s clear.
Claudette: What’s clear? I am going to call the police.
Lisa: Mom, stop, it was Denny’s mistake, just stop!
Mark: Let’s go.
Mark and Claudette exit.
Johnny: Why did you do this? You know better, right? Why?!
Denny: I’m sorry.
Johnny: You know better, Denny, you almost got killed.
Denny: I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise.
Lisa: Denny, you know that Johnny’s like your father. And we’re your friends. We’re going to help you.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Everyone exits.
Cut to Mark on the phone with Lisa.
Lisa: I miss you.
Mark: I just saw you! What are you talking about?
Lisa: I’m just wanting to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much. I love you.
Mark: Is Johnny there?
Lisa: He’s in the shower.
Mark: I don’t understand you. Why do you do things like this?
Lisa: Because I love you. You just don’t care, do you?
Mark: I do care. But we agreed, it’s over between us.
Lisa: I understand, it’s our secret. But I still have feelings for you. You just don’t care.
Mark: I do care!
Lisa: I have to go now. I’ll see you later, darling.
Mark: Don’t call me that.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
They hang up.
Cut to the roof. Johnny enters, mid-sentence.
Johnny: I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! (he throws a water bottle to the floor) Oh, hi Mark.
Mark: (holding a football) Oh hey Johnny, what’s up?
Johnny: I have a problem with Lisa. She says that I hit her.
Mark: What? Well did you?
Johnny: No, it’s not true! Don’t even ask! What’s new with you?
Mark: Well I’m just sitting up here thinking, you know? I got a question for you.
Johnny: Yeah.
Mark: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?
Johnny: What makes you say that?
Mark: I dunno. I dunno, I’m just, I’m just thinking.
Johnny: I don’t have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me.
Mark: Yeah man, you never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha! What a story, Mark!
Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.
Johnny: I’m so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.
Mark: Yeah, man. Yeah, you are very lucky.
Johnny: Well maybe you should have a girl, Mark.
Mark: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I have one already. I don’t know yet.
Johnny: Well, what happened? Remember Betty? That’s her name?
Mark: Betty?
Johnny: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah, we don’t see each other anymore. You know, she wasn’t any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments.
Johnny: That’s too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it.
Mark: Oh, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart, sometimes they’re just flat-out stupid, other times they’re just evil.
Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the expert, Mark!
Mark: No. Definitely not an expert, Johnny.
Johnny: What’s bothering you, Mark?
Mark: Nothing, man.
Johnny: Do you, do you have some secrets? Why don’t you tell me?
Mark: Forget it! Forget it, dude!
Johnny: Is there some secret, tell me.
Mark: No, forget it, I’ll talk to you later!
Mark hands off the football to Johnny and exits.
Johnny: Well, whatever.
Denny enters, passing Mark.
Denny: Hey Johnny.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.
Denny: What’s wrong with Mark?
Johnny: He’s cranky today. A-ha-ha-ha. Girl trouble, I guess. What’s new with you?
Denny: Not much. Still going to the movie tonight?
Johnny: Sure, we are.
Denny: What kind of movie are we going to see?
Johnny: Well we’ll see… Denny, don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.
Denny: Alright. Let’s toss the ball around.
Johnny: Okay.
They proceed to play short-distance catch with the football while talking.
Denny: Gotta tell you about something.
Johnny: Shoot, Denny.
Denny: It’s about Lisa.
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: She’s beautiful. She looks great in a red dress. I think I’m in love with her.
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: I know she doesn’t like me because sometimes she’s mean to me, but sometimes when I’m around her, I feel like I want to kiss her and tell her I love her. I don’t know. I’m just confused.
Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you too. As a person, as a human being, as a friend. You know people don’t have to say it. They can feel it.
Denny: What do you mean?
Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.
Denny: Lisa’s your future wife!
Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about it. You are part of our family, and we love you very much. And we will help you anytime. And Lisa loves you too. As a friend. You are sort of like her son.
Denny: You mean you’re not upset with me?
Johnny: No, because I trust you and I trust Lisa. What about Elizabeth, hunh?
Denny: Well… I love her.
Johnny: M-hm.
Denny: When I graduate from college, get a good job, I want to marry her and have kids with her.
Johnny: That’s the idea.
Denny: You’re right. Thanks for paying my tuition.
Johnny: You’re very welcome, Denny, and keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you.
Denny: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.
Johnny: Let’s go eat, hunh? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go. I’m starving.
They exit.
Cut to an exterior panning shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to the room, where Michelle and Lisa are talking. Lisa’s neck is bulging throughout this scene, which means very few people have ever heard the dialogue.
Michelle: So how’s Johnny?
Lisa: He didn’t get his promotion.
Michelle: Is he disappointed?
Lisa: Quite a bit. He got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Michelle: He hit you?!
Lisa: He didn’t know what he was doing.
Michelle: Are you okay?
Lisa: Well, I don’t want to marry him anymore.
Michelle: What?!
Lisa: Johnny’s okay. But I found somebody else.
Michelle: Lisa! This isn’t right. You’re living with one guy and you’re sleeping with another guy?
Lisa: I’m doing what I want to do.
Michelle: Well who is he?
Lisa: His best friend. And he lives in this building.
Michelle: I can’t believe you’re telling me this. It’s Mark, isn’t it? Lisa, you know, you’re just thinking about yourself. Somebody’s going to get hurt. You’ve got to be honest with Johnny.
Lisa: I can’t do that. He would be devastated.
Michelle: Well, if you care so much for him, why cheat on him?
Lisa: Look, I really don’t know what to do. I love Mark. I don’t have any more feelings for Johnny.
Michelle: Johnny’s so excited about this wedding.
Lisa: I know.
Michelle: You’ve got to tell Johnny.
Lisa: No guilt-trips.
Michelle: You don’t feel guilty about this at all.
Lisa: No. I’m happy.
Michelle: Something awful is going to happen.
Lisa: Please don’t tell anybody.
Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny is approaching. He picks up the paper.
Cut to the room.
Michelle: Don’t worry. You can trust me. Your secret is safe with me.
Johnny enters.
Johnny: Hello Michelle. I heard you. What secret?
Lisa: It’s between us women.
Michelle: Hi Johnny.
Johnny: Did you get a new dress?
Michelle: Um… well, I guess I better be going. I’ll just talk to you guys later?
Lisa: Excuse me.
Michelle: Lisa, remember what I told you.
Michelle exits.
Johnny: What’s she talking about?
Lisa: It’s girl talk. I just told you that.
Johnny: I never hit you. You shouldn’t have any secrets from me. I’m your future husband.
Lisa: You sure about that? Maybe I’ll change my mind.
Johnny: Don’t talk like that. What do you mean?
Lisa: What do you think? Women change their minds all the time.
Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha. You must be kidding, aren’t you?
Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to go upstairs, and wash up, and go to bed.
Johnny: (shoving Lisa down onto the couch) How dare you talk to me like that! You should tell me everything!
Lisa: I can’t talk right now.
Johnny: Why Lisa, why Lisa, please talk to me, please! You’re part of my life, you are everything, I could not go on without you, Lisa.
Lisa: You’re scaring me.
Johnny: You’re lying, I never hit you. You are tearing me apart, Lisa!
Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?!
Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?
Lisa gets up and heads upstairs.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright.
Johnny: You drive me crazy.
Lisa: Goodnight, Johnny.
Johnny: Don’t worry about it. I still love you. Goodnight, Lisa.
Cut to a long tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to an alleyway, where Mike approaches Johnny.
Mike: Hey, what’s going on, man?
Johnny: Oh hi, Mike, what’s new?
Mike: Um, actually, Johnny, I got, I got a little bit of a tragedy on my hands, yeah. Me and Michelle, we were, we were making out, uh, at your place…
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
Mike: …and, uh, Lisa and Claudette sort of, uh, walked in on us in the middle of it. That’s not the end of the story.
Johnny: Go on, I’m listening.
Mike: Okay. We’re going at it, and um, I get out of there as fast as possible, you know, I get my pants, I get my shirt, and I get out of there. And then about halfway down the stairs, I realize that I have misplaced, I’ve forgotten something. Um, my underwear.
They both chuckle.
Mike: So I come back to get it, I pretend that I need a book, you know, I’m like looking for my book, and then I reach and put the underwear in my pocket, sort of slide out real quick. Well Claudette, she saw it sticking out of my pocket, so she pulls it out, and she’s, uh, showing everybody me underwears.
Johnny: You must be kidding. Underwear, I got the picture.
Mike: Yeah, I dunno what…
Johnny: That’s life.
Mike: Nah.
Johnny: Yeah.
Denny enters, with a football.
Denny: Hey Johnny! Hey Mike!
Johnny: Oh hey, Denny.
Denny: Do you want to play some football?
Mike: I gotta go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her.
Denny: Oh, pshhh, come on!
Johnny: Come on, it’s good for you, come on.
Mike: Alright, whatever, whatever.
Johnny: Let’s go for it.
Mike: I’m going out.
They proceed to toss the football around in close quarters, like you do.
Mike: Yeah, sorry you had to see that.
Denny: I’m not sorry! (gibberish) Studying, right? (more gibberish) I don’t study like that.
Johnny: He doesn’t.
Mark enters.
Mark: Hey, Denny, what’s up?
Denny: Hey, what’s up, Mark?
Johnny: Hi Mark.
Denny: Catch it, come on, man.
Mike: Not much.
Denny: He’s just telling us about an underwear issue he had.
Mike: No, don’t…
Mark: Underwear? What’s that?
Mike: It’s embarrassing, man, I don’t want to get into it.
Mark: Underwear? Man, come on…
Mark inexplicably shoves Mike into a trashcan.
Mike: Oh, God!
Denny: You okay? Are you okay?
Mike: Yeah, I’m fine!
Denny: Are you sure?
Mike: Yeah, uh-huh.
Denny: Do you need to see a doctor?
Mike: No, no, I’m tough. I’m good, I’m alright, I’m fine.
Johnny: Mark, why don’t you take him home? And Mike, listen, if you need anything, call me anytime, alright? Are you alright?
Mike: Yeah.
Denny: See you guys.
Mark and Mike exit
Johnny: Let’s go home, Denny.
Denny and Johnny exit with the football.
Cut to the room, which Claudette and Lisa are entering.
Lisa: You look really tired today, mom. Are you feeling okay?
Claudette: I didn’t get much sleep last night.
Lisa: Why not?
Claudette: You remember my friend Shirley Hamilton?
Lisa: Uh-huh.
Claudette: She wants to buy a new house, and so I asked Johnny if he could help her with the down payment. All he can tell me is it’s an awkward situation. I expected your husband to be a little more generous.
Lisa: He’s not my husband.
Claudette: I know, but Johnny is part of our family.
Lisa: Mom, I don’t love Johnny anymore. I don’t even like him. I had sex with someone else.
Claudette: You can’t be serious.
We see that Johnny is listening from the staircase.
Lisa: You don’t understand.
Claudette: Who? Who is it?
Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it.
Claudette: You don’t want to talk about it. Then why did you bring it up in the first place?
Lisa: I don’t know.
Claudette: You don’t know. If you think I’m tired today, wait till you see me tomorrow.
Lisa: Are you coming to the party?
Claudette: Sure. I suppose so.
They exit.
Johnny: How can they say this about me? I don’t believe it. I show them. I will record everything.
Johnny descends the staircase and tediously installs a primitive tape recorder under the phone, then exits upstairs.
Cut to the room, where Johnny and Peter are talking.
Johnny: I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?
Peter: (laughs) What man does? What’s the problem?
Johnny: They never say what they mean, and they always play games.
Peter: Okay… um… what do you mean?
Johnny: I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um, I don’t think she’s faithful to me. In fact I know she isn’t.
Peter: Lisa? Are you sure?
Johnny: Yeah I’m sure, I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother. What should I do, Peter?
Peter: This is Lisa we’re talking about?
Johnny: Yeah.
Peter: I don’t know what to say.
Johnny: But you’re a psychologist. Do you have some advice?
Peter: It’s a complicated situation, Johnny. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you should confront her.
Johnny: I can’t confront her! I want to give her a second chance, after all, she’s my future wife. You know what they say: “love is blind.”
Peter: You’ve got a lot of faith in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it.
The doorbell rings.
Peter: Did you hear the door?
Johnny: Yeah. (answers the door) Oh hi, Mark. Come in.
Mark enters.
Mark: Oh, hey, Johnny. Hey Peter!
Johnny: We’re just talking about women.
Mark: (long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. Ahhh. I have a girl. She’s married, I mean she’s very attractive, it’s driving me crazy.
Peter: Why didn’t you mention this before? Is it anyone I know?
Mark: Nah man, you don’t know her.
Johnny: Can I meet her?
Mark: I don’t think so. It’s an awkward situation.
Johnny: You mean she’s too old, or you think I will take her away from you? Hunh?
Peter: (laughs)
Mark: (laughs) No.
Johnny: I have my own problems.
Peter: Tell me about your problems, Johnny.
Johnny: Peter, you always play psychologist with us!
Peter: Look, I’m just your friend, and I’m just worried about you.
Johnny: Lisa is teasing me about whether we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a while. And I don’t know what to do.
Peter: You never really know. I mean, look, you should tell her about your feelings, okay? You shouldn’t hide them. You two have been together forever. You can work out anything as long as you talk about it.
Johnny: Not always!
Peter: People are people. Sometimes they just can’t see their own faults.
Mark: Hey, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.
Peter: Look. You should tell her the truth. I mean you’re doing this for your girl, right?
Johnny: You’re right, Peter. Ha-ha. Is she getting a divorce, Mark?
Mark: (laughs) You guys are too much. Hey are you running, uh, Bay to Breakers this year?
Johnny: I am, sure.
Peter: I’m not doing it this year.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha, chicken, Peter, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep eeeeeeeeeeee!
Peter: Who are you calling a chicken? I just don’t like all the weirdos, there’s too many weirdos there.
Johnny: (incomprehensible gibberish) I don’t mind. Mark, do you remember the one with big tits, the blondie one?
Mark: How about the one with the bridal gown with the sign?
Johnny: Ha-ha yeah, “can you marry me?”, ha-ha, I thought I would take her up on it, ha-ha.
Mark: I never ate so much.
Johnny: Yeah, the barbecue chicken was delicious, rice, that was cool.
Peter: You guys proved my point. You’re both weird. You guys want to play cards?
Johnny: No we can’t. I expect Lisa any minute.
Mark: Hey come on, man, who’s the king of the house?
Peter: Yeah, you’ve got to establish these guidelines before you get married. Speaking of, how’d you ever meet Lisa? You never told us.
Johnny: Well that’s a very interesting story, when I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I have, uh, I head to YMCA with a $2000 check which I could not cash.
Mark: Why not?
Johnny: Well because it was an out of state bank. Anyway, uh, I was working as a busboy in a hotel, and uh, uh, she was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That’s how we met.
Mark: So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?
Johnny: Well the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.
Mark: What? No tips from your job?
Johnny: Whatever. Do you guys want to eat something?
Johnny exits to the kitchen. Lisa enters.
Lisa: Hi guys. What’s going on?
Mark: Oh, hey Lisa.
Peter: Hi Lisa.
Denny materializes behind Lisa, then proceeds to stare out the window for some reason.
Lisa: Where’s Johnny?
Mark: In the kitchen. I gotta go.
Lisa: I didn’t mean to chase you off. You should stick around for a while.
Mark: I gotta work early. See ya.
Mark exits. Peter also exits. Denny crouches to the floor. Lisa also crouches to the floor.
Denny: Did you get your wedding gown yet?
Lisa: No. I’ve got plenty of time.
Denny: Are you sure you have plenty of time? It’s only a month away.
Lisa: It’ll be fine. What are you so worried about? Everything’s okay.
Denny: Johnny doesn’t seem very excited. Is there a problem?
Lisa: There’s no problem. Why do you ask?
Denny: I just want you and Johnny to be happy.
They both stand up.
Lisa: I am happy. Look, Denny, I need to talk to Johnny. Okay? I’ll see you later.
Denny: Okay. Tell him I said hello?
Lisa: Yeah.
Denny exits.
Cut to the roof. Peter enters. Mark is sitting on the roof, clad entirely in denim, smoking what might be a joint.
Peter: Hey, Mark. What’s up?
Mark: Oh, hey Peter.
Peter: It’s a good place to think up here, isn’t it?
Mark: What, man, you want to put me on the clock?
Peter: What the hell is that?
Mark: You want some? It’s good, bro.
Peter: No, I don’t smoke that stuff.
Mark sighs and takes a drag.
Peter: You look depressed.
Mark: I got this sick feeling in my stomach, man. I did something awful. I don’t think I can forgive myself.
Peter: Tell me about it.
Mark: I just feel like, like running. I’m killing myself. Something crazy like that.
Peter: Why are you smoking that crap? It’s no wonder you can’t think straight. It’s gonna screw with your head.
Mark: It’s none of your business, man. You think you know everything. You don’t know shit.
Peter: Listen, who do you think you are? You’re acting like a kid. Just grow up.
Mark: Hey, who are you calling a kid? Fuck you!
Peter: Just chill out, Mark. I’m just trying to help. You’re having an affair with Lisa, aren’t you?
Mark: What?
Peter: Am I wrong?
Mark gets angry and ineffectively tries to push Peter off the roof.
Peter: What are you, nuts? Gahhh!
Peter shoves Mark away.
Mark: Sorry. Sorry man, you okay?
Peter: Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just talk about your problem.
Mark: You’re sure you’re okay.
Peter: Yeah.
Mark kicks over a chair and a table.
Mark: Goddammit man, fuck. Why do you want to know my secret, man? Well you’re right! It’s Lisa. I don’t know what to do, man. I’m so depressed. It’s all her fault, she’s such a manipulative bitch!
Peter: How the hell did you let this happen?
Mark: Fuck!
Peter: You know this is going to ruin your friendship with Johnny? What were you thinking? Alright, you want my advice? Sometimes, life can get complicated, and you’ve got to be responsible. So you don’t see Lisa again, and you definitely don’t sleep with her again! Just find yourself another girl. She’s a sociopath! She only cares about herself. She can’t love anyone.
Mark: Whatever, dude. Come on.
They exit together.
Cut to an exterior shot of a church in San Francisco.
Cut to the room, where Johnny is wearing a tuxedo and talking on the phone.
Johnny: Oh, thank you. Yeah, thanks a lot.
Denny enters, wearing a tux and carrying a football.
Johnny: Oh, hi Denny. Nice tux, you look great.
Denny: You look really handsome.
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
Denny: Your wedding picture’s gonna look great.
Johnny: Oh, thanks.
The doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Peter enters, wearing a tux.
Denny: Oh hey, Peter, come on in.
Peter: Hey guys.
Johnny: Oh hey, Peter.
Denny: You look good too.
Johnny: Sit down.
The doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Mark enters, clean-shaven and wearing a tux.
Denny: Whoa.
Johnny: Wowwwwww.
Mark: Hey guys. You like it?
Peter: Yeah!
Johnny: You look great. You look a babyface.
Denny: You guys want to play some football?
Peter: In tuxes? No, you gotta be kidding.
Denny: Come on, Mark, let’s do it.
Mark: I’m up for it.
Johnny: A-ha.
Denny: Johnny?
Johnny: Ask Peter.
Denny: Come on, Peter.
Peter: Nah, I don’t think so.
Denny: Please?
Peter: No.
Denny: Come on! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep! (Johnny and Mark join in)
Cut to the alley, where Johnny, Mark, Peter, and Denny are throwing around the football in tuxedos.
Denny: Catch, Johnny! Alright, Peter! Here we go, Mark!
Mark: Come on! Come on! Come on!
Denny: Catch, Mark!
Mark: Go! Go deep!
Peter tries to go deep, but instead trips and falls.
Denny: Gee Peter, you’re clumsy.
Peter: Alright, that’s it, I’m done. Great idea, Denny.
Everyone helps Peter up and exits.
Cut to an exterior street shot in San Francisco.
Cut to the fountain by the Exploratorium, where Johnny is out walking.
Cut to a coffee shop.
Susan: Are you sure?
Patron 1: I wanna get a slice of cheesecake and a bottle of water.
Patron 2: Um, I’ll have a large peanut butter cup with extra whipped cream, please?
Male Barista: Alright.
Patron 3: And I’ll take a cheesecake and a coffee.
Barista 2: Okay, why don’t you guys have a seat? We’ll have that right out for you.
Susan: Hi, how you doing? What would you like?
Patron 4: Can I get a bagel with a [inaudible]?
Susan: Great, sure.
Patron 5: I’m gonna get a slice of cheesecake and a bottle of water.
Male Barista: Yeah, sounds good. Why don’t you guys have a seat, we’ll have that right out for you.
Johnny and Mark enter.
Johnny: Oh hi, Susan.
Susan: Well, hi Johnny. How are you? Good to see you. What would you like?
Johnny: Hot chocolate, please.
Male Barista: What size?
Johnny: Medium.
Male Barista: Sure.
Susan: How about you?
Mark: I’ll have the mint tea.
Male Barista: Medium also?
Mark: Yeah.
Susan: Go sit down, we’ll be right there.
Johnny and Mark sit down.
Mark: God, I’m so tired of girls’ games.
Johnny: What happened now, Mark?
Mark: Relationships never work, man, I don’t know why I waste my time.
Johnny: What makes you say that?
Mark: It’s not that easy, Johnny.
Johnny: Well, you should be happy, Mark.
Mark: Yeah, I know. Life is too short.
Susan brings the drinks.
Johnny: Oh, thank you so much.
Susan: You’re welcome. How about something like cheesecake?
Johnny: Nah.
Susan: Real good. Alright.
Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client at the bank, we make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.
Mark: Aw, come on, why not?
Johnny: No I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?
Mark: I can’t talk about it.
Johnny: Why not?
Susan: Take your time.
Johnny: Oh god, I have to run.
Mark: Already?
Johnny: Yeah, I’m sorry.
Mark: Alright, it’s on me. By the way, do you want to go jogging? Golden Gate Park?
Johnny: Yeah, sure, what time?
Mark: Golden Gate Park, 6:30.
Johnny: Right on, yeah.
Mark: Alright, see ya.
Johnny: Okey-dokey, Mark.
Johnny exits.
Cut to the bedroom. Lisa and Mark enter.
Mark: What’s going on here?
Lisa: I like you very much, Mark.
Mark: Look, come on. Johnny’s my best friend.
Lisa: Just one more time.
She takes off his shirt and the fourth terrible R&B-scored love scene commences. It goes on for about two minutes, full of half-hearted moaning, before cutting to black.
Cut to another tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to a car parking in Golden Gate Park. Johnny exits to find Mark.
Johnny: Hey.
Mark: Hey Johnny, how’s it going?
Johnny: Good.
They run side by side tossing the football in the park. There’s barely audible and completely uninteresting dialogue. They say “what’s new with you” a lot. Johnny wrestles Mark to the ground.
Cut to a shot of the San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the room, where Lisa is sweeping. The doorbell rings.
Lisa: Who is it?
Mark: Delivery man! It’s me, Lisa, come on, open up.
Lisa: Come on in.
Mark enters.
Lisa: Hey Mark.
Mark: Wow, so, uh, you gonna be ready?
Lisa: How do you mean that? I’m always ready. For you.
Mark: I mean for the party.
Lisa: We have plenty of time. All I have to do is put on my party dress.
Lisa drops the broom and takes her shirt off.
Mark: Wait, what are you doing?
Lisa: Nothing.
She takes Mark’s shirt off.
Mark: You’re so beautiful.
They start making out. Someone knocks on the door. They bolt upright and start putting their shirts on.
Lisa: Hurry up, I have to open the door.
Mark: Wait! Hang on.
Lisa puts her shirt on but Mark is still struggling with this task.
Lisa: Come on in, it’s open!
Michelle enters in time to see Mark shirtless before he finally manages to dress himself.
Michelle: Hi! I brought the stuff.
Lisa: I knew I could count on you.
Michelle: Hi Mark. XYZ.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Michelle: Examine your zipper!
Everyone giggles.
Michelle: You guys are too much. So, uh, what can I do to help?
Everyone laughs some more.
Mark: I gotta go.
He exits. Michelle and Lisa are cracking up.
Lisa: Want to help me move the coffee table?
Michelle: Okay. What was he doing here?
Lisa: Uh, he just brought by some takeout.
Michelle: What about his zipper?
Lisa: What about his zipper?
They move the coffee table.
Lisa: Leave him alone, he’s a good guy.
Michelle: Did you tell Johnny yet?
Lisa: No. Mark’s his best friend.
Michelle: Tricky tricky.
Lisa: You know, I really loved Johnny at first. Everything’s changed. I need more from life than what Johnny can give me. Suddenly my eyes are wide open and I can see everything so clearly. I want it all.
Michelle: You think you can get it all from Mark?
Lisa: If he can’t give me what I want, somebody else will.
Michelle: Lisa, you’re sounding just like your mother. You’re being so manipulative.
Lisa: So what? You can learn something from me. You have to take as much as you can. You have to live, live, live. Don’t worry about me. I have everything covered.
Michelle: Your point of view is so different from mine.
Lisa: Look. I don’t want to talk about it. People are going to be getting here soon and we have to finish.
Michelle: Lisa!
Lisa: I don’t see what the big deal is. Doesn’t everybody look out for number one? Don’t I deserve the best?
Michelle: I couldn’t do that. You’re too much for me, Lisa.
Lisa: You know, you’re not such an angel yourself.
Michelle: Yeah, but we’re not talking about me, are we?
Michelle attacks Lisa with a pillow. A strange pillow vs broom fight ensues.
Lisa: (laughing) Stop it! Are you trying to ruin my party?
Cut to a tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to Johnny and Mark running in the woods and muttering at each other.
Johnny: Yeah, that’s the idea.
Mark: Catch me, come on.
Cut to a shot of a staircase in San Francisco, which Johnny and Mark are running up.
Mark: Yeah I’m looking for some offers in Sausalito. How are the [inaudible] like these days?
Johnny: Pretty good, yeah, you’d be qualified.
Mark: You serious?
Johnny: Yeah, I’m sure.
Mark: Well when can we meet about that?
Johnny: Well, we can talk about this tomorrow.
Mark: Tomorrow?
Johnny: Yeah.
Mark: Maybe late afternoon?
Johnny: Absolutely. Three o’clock?
Mark: Really? Wow, that’s great.
Cut to Johnny’s car pulling onto a residential street and parking in front of his house. Johnny and Mark exit the car.
Cut to an illuminated building on Columbus at night.
Cut to a cable car on a busy street in the daytime.
Cut to the room, where Lisa is sitting as Johnny enters.
Johnny: Bye, Lisa. (he pecks her on the cheek)
Johnny opens the door to leave and Claudette enters.
Johnny: Oh hi, Claudette. Bye!
Claudette: Bye!
Johnny exits.
Lisa: Hello mom, how are you?
Claudette: I’m okay, how are you?
Lisa: I’m fixing the apartment for Johnny’s birthday, but I’m really not into it.
Claudette: Oh, why not?
Lisa: Because I’m in love with Mark, not Johnny. And here I am, planning his party.
Claudette: It’s not right, Lisa. I still think you should marry Johnny. Now you can’t live on love. You need financial security.
Lisa: But I’m not happy! He still thinks I’m gonna marry him next month. He’s a fool.
Claudette: You expect to be happy. I haven’t been happy since I married my first husband. I didn’t even want to marry your father.
Lisa: You never told me that!
Claudette: Well it’s true. All men are assholes. Men and women use and abuse each other all the time, there’s nothing wrong with it. Marriage has nothing to do with love.
Lisa: Johnny’s okay, I suppose. Actually, I have him wrapped around my little finger.
Claudette: Well, you should be happy then.
Lisa: But I don’t love him!
Claudette: Don’t throw your life away just because you don’t love him! That’s ridiculous! You need to grow up. And you need to listen to me.
Lisa: Okay, mom, I’ll see you at the party. I just need to be alone right now.
Claudette: Bye bye, my precious.
Claudette exits.
Cut to the Embarcadero, where Johnny is walking.
Cut to the Disney store, where Johnny is walking.
Cut to a dark room. Johnny enters and turns on the lights to find the whole cast.
Everyone: Surprise! (they all sing Happy Birthday while Johnny says things like “wow”, “okay”, and “thank you”)
Johnny toasts with everyone amid various celebratory mumblings. He offers Denny a drink, which Denny says he’ll accept later.
Cut to panning shot of the nighttime San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the party, where various characters and non-characters are engaged in fake conversations. Johnny and Claudette are discussing something. Lisa is flirting with Steven, a character we’ve never seen before who is actually a last-minute replacement for Peter. Mark is watching them. Lisa and Mark exchange flirty looks. Johnny seems concerned. Mike and Michelle are flirting with another couple. Michelle and Mike start feeding each other cake.
Lisa: Hey everybody, let’s go outside for some fresh air.
Everybody exits except for Lisa and Mark.
Lisa: Wait. I have something I want to show you.
Mark: Oh, really?
They get on the couch, and Lisa drapes her legs across Mark’s lap.
Mark: So, uh, what do you want to show me?
Lisa: It’s a surprise.
They start making out.
Mark: What are you doing? I mean, are you crazy? Everybody’s here.
Lisa: No they’re not. They’re all outside.
Mark: You devil. You planned this all along.
They make out some more. Steven enters.
Steven: What’s going on here?
They bolt upright.
Steven: Why are you doing this?
Lisa: I love him.
Steven: I don’t believe it.
Mark: You don’t understand anything, man. Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!
Mark exits.
Steven: Do you understand what you’re doing? You’re going to destroy Johnny. He’s very sensitive.
Lisa: I don’t care. I’m in love with Mark.
Steven: How can you do this? You make me sick.
Johnny and Michelle enter.
Johnny: Thank you, honey. This is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!
Lisa: You’re welcome, darling. You know how much I love you.
Johnny: I do. Ha-ha-ha.
Lisa: You know, it’s getting really hot in here. Why don’t we go back outside?
Johnny: Mhm. A-ha-ha.
Everyone exits.
Cut to a shot of a busy street at night.
Cut to the party on the roof. Johnny waves at someone below him and off-camera.
Johnny: Hey everybody! I have an announcement to make. We’re expecting!
Everyone congratulates Johnny. Lisa and Steven confront Lisa.
Michelle: Lisa, I have to talk to you. You have got to be honest with Johnny.
Steven: I agree with that.
Lisa: Look, I’m gonna tell him, okay? I just, I don’t want to ruin his birthday.
Steven: When is the baby due?
Lisa: There is no baby.
Steven and Michelle: What?!
Steven: What are you talking about?
Lisa: I told him that to make it interesting. We’re probably going to have a baby eventually anyway. You’re not going to tell Johnny, are you?
Michelle: Lisa, are you feeling okay? Because this is just getting worse and worse.
Steven: I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.
Michelle: Me too. There’s no simple solution to this.
Lisa: Don’t worry. You guys worry entirely too much about me.
Michelle: Lisa, we’re not worried about you. We’re worried about Johnny. You don’t understand the psychological impact of what you’re doing here. You’re hurting yourself. You’re hurting our friendship.
Lisa: I am not responsible for Johnny. I’m through with that. I’m changing. I have the right, don’t I? People are changing all the time. I have to think about my future. What’s it to you?
Steven: This is going to pull us all down. It’s going to shake up our group of friends. It’s going to destroy our friendship, Lisa. I don’t think Mark really loves you.
Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it!
Michelle: Lisa, you’re going to have to face it. I for one am going to have a hard time forgiving you if you don’t.
Lisa: Hey everybody! Let’s go inside and eat some cake.
Everyone exits enthusiastically. Michelle looks pained.
Michelle: I don’t understand you, Lisa.
Cut to some random building at night.
Cut to the party, where a random couple is eating cake.
Random dude: Lisa looks hot tonight.
Johnny and Claudette are chatting. Mark and Lisa are arguing.
Mark: Whose baby is it? Is it mine?
Lisa: No, of course not.
Mark: How can you be sure? Come on, Lisa.
Lisa: Stop asking me stupid questions!
Mark: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lisa: Just shut up!
She slaps him.
Johnny: What are you doing? What’s going on here?
Mark: You really don’t know, do you?
Johnny: (shoving Mark) M
-
Johnny: (shoving Mark) Maybe I know more than you think I do, Mark!
Mark: Shit, alright?
Johnny: (shoving Mark into a table) What do you want from me, hunh?
Mark attacks Johnny. Steven, Lisa, et al pull them apart.
Lisa: Stop it!
Johnny: Alright, alright. Okay, folks, everything is fine. Fight is over, folks. I’m sorry, Mark.
They shake hands.
Mark: Yeah, me too.
Johnny: Lisa, can, can you clean up here, please?
Cut to the skyline at night.
Cut to the party, where Mark and Lisa are dancing. Johnny confronts them
Johnny: What are you doing?
Lisa: None of your business.
Johnny: You’re my future wife. What are you doing, Lisa?
Mark: Leave her alone, man, she doesn’t want to talk to you.
Johnny: (attacking Mark) Since when do you give me orders?
Mark: Since Lisa changed her mind about you. Wake up, man, what planet are you on?
Johnny: I think you should leave right now, Mark.
Lisa: Don’t spoil it, we were just having fun.
Mark: Don’t worry about it, man.
Johnny: Don’t touch me, motherfucker! Get out.
Mark and Johnny fight.
Lisa: Stop it! Stop it! You two are acting like children.
Mark: Son of a bitch.
Lisa: You’re going to ruin the party.
Mark: If you’d keep your girl satisfied, she wouldn’t come to me!
Johnny: Get out of my house! I kill you, I [incomprehensible]!
Lisa: Stop it!
Johnny: I kill you, you bastard.
Mark: You couldn’t kill me if you tried.
Johnny: You betrayed me, you’re not good, you’re just a chicken, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep.
They fight some more.
Johnny: Shut up!
Steven: It’s over! It’s over!
Johnny: It’s not over! Everybody betray me! I fed up with this world!
Johnny exits upstairs.
Cut to a shot of the Disney store at night.
Cut to Claudette entering the bedroom to find Lisa.
Claudette: I cleaned up the kitchen, sweetheart, so you don’t have to worry about that.
Lisa: He still won’t come out of the bathroom.
Claudette: Sweetheart, he’s upset. Now Johnny is a sensible man. He will come out, you will discuss this, everything is going to be okay.
Lisa: I just think I should be alone with him right now.
Claudette: I understand, sweetheart. I’m going to go home now. Bye bye. You can call me if you need me.
Lisa: I will. Thanks, mom.
Claudette exits downstairs. Lisa tries to open the bathroom door, but it’s locked.
Lisa: You can come out now, Johnny. She’s gone.
Johnny: In a few minutes, bitch.
Lisa: Who are you calling a bitch?
Johnny: You and your stupid mother.
Lisa picks up the phone and calls Mark.
Mark: Hello?
Lisa: Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.
Mark: What’s going on?
Lisa: Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very much.
We see Johnny is straining to hear this through the bathroom door.
Lisa: I love you.
Mark: Why don’t you ditch this creep? I don’t like him anymore.
Lisa: I know. He’s not worth it. Why don’t I come up there and be with you?
Mark: Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.
Lisa: You got it. I’m on my way. Bye.
Mark: Bye.
Johnny enters the bedroom.
Johnny: Who were you talking to?
Lisa: Nobody.
Johnny: We’ll see about that.
Johnny retrieves the tape from the recorder (or something; the technical process here makes very little sense).
Johnny: We’ll see about that.
He plays the tape.
Mark (recording): Hello?
Lisa (recording): Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.
Mark (recording): What’s going on?
Lisa (recording): Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very much. You’re the sparkle of my life (this is a deviation from the original conversation, you’ll note). I can’t live without you. I love you.
Johnny: You little tramp. How could you do this to me?! I gave you seven years of my life! And you betray me. Let’s see what else we have on this tape.
Lisa: No. Stop. You little prick. I put up with you for seven years. You think you’re an angel. You’re just like everybody.
Johnny: I treat you like a princess, and you stab me in the back. I love you, and I did anything for you to just please you, and now you betray me! How could you love him?!
Mark (recording): Why don’t you ditch this creep? I don’t like him anymore.
Lisa (recording): I know, he’s not worth it. Why don’t I come up there and be with you?
Mark (recording): Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.
Lisa (recording): You got it.
Johnny: Aughhhhhhhh!!! (he hurls the tape player against the wall) Everybody betray me. I don’t have a friend in the world.
Lisa: I’m leaving you, Johnny.
Lisa exits downstairs.
Johnny: Get out, get out, get out of my life! Agh!
Johnny collapses on the bed.
Cut to Johnny descending the stairs into the room.
Johnny: Haughhhh-augh! Why, Lisa, why, why?!
Flashback of Lisa laughing with Johnny’s tie around her head.
Flashback of Lisa and Johnny kissing.
Flashback of Lisa and Johnny having sex.
Johnny: You bitch!
Johnny knocks over a bowl of fake fruit, some furniture, and everything on the mantle. He picks up the TV and hurls it out the window.
Johnny: You bitch! You bitch!
Cut to Johnny re-entering the bedroom, howling incomprehensibly. He knocks stuff off the dresser, pulls out all the drawers, and shoves it over. He pulls all the sheets off the bed. He flings himself on the bed.
Flashback to Johnny and Lisa having sex.
Johnny knocks over some more stuff and shatters a mirror. He sits on the floor and picks up Lisa’s red dress.
Flashback to Lisa trying on the dress.
Johnny dry-humps the dress amid flashbacks of fucking Lisa when she was wearing it.
Johnny: You tramp!
He tears the dress up.
Flashback to Lisa and Mark dancing.
Flashback to Lisa saying “I put up with you”
Johnny picks up a box and opens it to reveal a handgun.
Johnny: Why? Why is this happening to me? Why?! It’s over. God, forgive me.
Flashback to Lisa saying “everything will be alright”
Johnny puts the gun in his mouth.
Flashback to Lisa saying “goodbye, Johnny”
Johnny fires the gun and falls backward in slow motion.
Fade to black.
Cut to Mark and Lisa dashing into the bedroom to find Johnny’s bloody corpse.
Mark: Wake up, Johnny, come on!
Johnny is clearly dead and blood is everywhere.
Lisa: Is he dead? (sobbing) My god, Mark, is he dead?
Mark: Yes, he’s dead. Yes he’s dead!
Lisa: (sobbing) Oh my god…
Mark slowly kisses Johnny’s forehead.
Lisa: Oh my god.
Mark and Lisa embrace.
Lisa: I’ve lost him, but I still have you, right? Right?
Mark: You don’t have me. You’ll never have me. You killed him.
Lisa: Mark, we’re free to be together. I love you. I love you!
Mark: Tramp! You killed him. You’re the cause of all of this. I don’t love you. Get out of my life, you bitch!
Denny enters.
Denny: What’s happening?!
Mark: Johnny’s dead!
Denny: Wake up, Johnny, please, please! It’s not right! It’s not right!
Lisa: Denny, he’s in a better place.
Denny: Leave us! Both of you leave.
Mark: As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the earth. That’s a promise.
Denny: Just leave! Both of you!
Mark: Leave him, alright! Let him be with him!
Denny: Why, Johnny? Why? Johnny, why? Why?
Denny sobs. Mark and Lisa, who were in the process of leaving, rejoin Denny and comfort him. We hear police sirens. The three of them appear to take turns fellating Johnny’s corpse as we hear generic police chatter.
Fade to black and roll credits.
