One of the things that break me down was that my best friend was diagnosed whit schizophrenia (sorry for the bad grammar) I knew this guy since we were kids, day by day we see each other and when he was 16, he suddenly had a change on his personality. He was more agressive. A year later he just run away, he not even said goodbay, and one day his mother called me, begging me to pick him up at the psychiatric and he told me everything. I felted like crap, i didn´t notice it and if only i wasn´t so blind back there, maybe i could actually help. After he arrive, i hoped everything would be better, but no. His condition just got worst the next years, and in one July, his mother called me, and told me to go to his funeral.
That was messed for me, i mean it. We were like brothers and it just happen, in the blink of an eye.
But the thing that was the worst shit on my life, something that leaved my friend issue like some insignificant shit, was losing my wife Beatriz, and my 1 year old child Daniel, four years ago. It happens on the verge of violence in Nuevo Leon (Mexico) When kidnaps and extortions was in a daily basis. When i was working whit my trucks, i get a call from my mother. She told me that Beatriz got a call from some narcos claiming a million pesos (more or less than 90,000 dlls back in 2010) The first thing i did was to pick her up and keep her whit me almost all the time. But then, the next day when i go to work, I got home at night. She wasn´t there, and i tought she might go whit her sister to shopping or something and i just wait some hours, till i got a call from the narcos, telling me they had Beatriz and my child hostage and wanted 1 million pesos or else they would kill them both.
After I shout at them all the possible curse words, i hung the phone, and start searching her in every single part she kinda visited (her mother, her friends, my mom and her sisters. The next day, they send me a human finger and the wedding ring i just gave her. They called me again, around 1. am, asking me if i got the money. I hung again. Panicked.
I go to the police, and like always, those pig fuckers can´t do a damn thing. Even my friend of the ministry cop (those cops are some kind of branch of the mexican police who have experiences on this cases) told me they won´t do a shit. He told me that the big ones had the law buyed for no one others than themselves, and those bastards were mostly likely protected by their bosses.
The hours were like days till they called me again, and cited me on a ranch for the exchange. When i talk to my friend who work at the ministry cop he told me to pay them and to talk to him later. I go to the ranch, give them the money and they leave me a bloody cardboard box, whit the heads of my wife and child.
They leave.
That break me down. I just wanted to grab my trucks and kill every single motherfucker I could catch, and at the same time i wanted to die. Fucking impunity man, the cops just laid down their heads and told me to forget it, that i better get used to it. Months after that, on my almost eternal depression, my friend catch one of the bastards and he was, he assured me that many families suffer the same thing as I did thanks to him, and by god, the things i do to him were only a small fraction of the pain that he make me feel.
Losing a wife and a child is something that most people don´t know until they experience it, and i don´t desire it to anybody. But, as like they said "it´s life, get over and start again" I had it to do it.
The deal whit me now, is that i don´t feel too capable of love again as I loved my late wife, and if even if i manage to find somebody wich i consider, impossible, i would feel powerless. Even when people told me "You were at work it´s not your fault" I just feel guilty in a sense.
If you read this, thank you for taking your precious time, would love an adivse at least.