This year has been one of the toughest years I've ever been through. I don't feel like myself anymore. This year, I had 5 people that I know pass away. This is how it all started. Last summer, in August, a classmate of mine committed suicide. Now flashforward to December, the school grabs us by one by one and asks us how we're doing. I tell them I'm doing fine. They said we don't think so and then they take away two of my classes, science elective and Calculus, then they say you have to attend mandatory therapy. They say if I can't agree to all of this, they'll have to expel me. I cried hysterically, I felt scared, I felt my life was threatened. And well, the passing of more friends and family certainly didn't help. For about two months, I was scared to go to school. Everytime I would go to school, my hands would shake. If I saw the faces of the people who did this to me, I would scream. For a month, I could barely eat anything. Now, they say time heal all wounds. That has been the case somewhat, but I am still deeply affected. Here's how I've been affected:
1) I lost all of my self-esteem. I lost all of my confidence.
2) I'm scared to talk and I'm scared to ask questions at times. Heck, I feel like I'm scared of everything. I think it's because I feel like if I talk or ask a question, I'm going to go through it again.
3) I feel like failure. I feel like everything I'm going to do, I'll fail.
4) I doubt myself a lot. Just as I'm about to do something, I then doubt myself. For example, college. I say to myself that I'll go to college, and then, I say I won't go because I feel like I don't deserve it because I'm failure.
5) I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel more angry most times for no reason. I don't know why. I used to be an optimist and now, it feels like I'm a pessimist. Pretty much, I feel like I lost hope. Like I'm just in this deep sadness and I'm trying to get out of it.
6) I feel hated everywhere I go. Therefore, which is why I'm probably scared.
7) Sometimes, I get nightmares. But, it's usually not a problem.
All these feelings have somewhat led me to feeling suicidal, but I can control it at times, which is good.
That being said, I have taken steps to try and recover from all of this.
1) I somewhat have my mom as support. My mom may not understand what I'm going through, but at least she tries to help me as much as she can.
2) I've started meditating. So my friends keep telling me I should meditate when I feel stressed out, so I have.
3) I'm trying to go out more. I'm hoping that spending more time with people will restore my faith in humanity.
I know this is all hard to believe. But, you may be asking. Why is this affecting me so deeply? Well, because at my previous school, I was bullied. And having to go through this, makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere.
Now, I did want to go to Tunisia to see my grandparents to truly recover, but that can't happen due to safety. So, I guess I just have to work with what I have.
I wanted to tell you guys my story 'cause I don't want anybody to go through what I went through. Honestly, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It really took a lot for me to just write this. Heck, my hands were a bit shaky when I wrote this. I hope you guys may have a better understanding of why there are times I'm just not myself or I feel sad.
If you guys have any questions or advice or anything to say, please let me know. I'll be happy to hear you out.