Hmmm…I hate to come across as offensive or anything, but this story has some major problems with it.
Firstly, the oversaturation of ‘Dark’ elements in the story. Now, I understand that Reborn is a dark game, and for that, I appreciate it. But, another thing about it, is that it doesn’t oversaturate darkness, like Rejuvenation does. This story is like the latter; for starters, you’ve gotten Kris and Lyra killed off in a random Tyranitar attack. What does this add to the story? Nothing. Adding to the oversaturation of darkness is the fact that you put in a lot of deaths in the story. Now, I know that people died in Reborn, but the game doesn’t go overboard on it. In the Sinnoh flashback alone, you’ve had Barry’s Luxray, Dawn, Cyrus and his Pokémon, and hundreds of Sinnoh citizens die. To me, darkness is like salt. A bit makes the dish tastier; too much ruins it. And this story is in the latter…
Secondly, the characters of the story. You have the author-insert Seehan, who could go down as one of the most unlikable protagonists in a Pokémon fanfic. From the get go, you have him as an arrogant person, who looks down on those weaker than him. From my perspective, Seehan is also a coward. Why do I say this? Seehan is gifted with special powers that makes battles ridiculously easy, to the point where the battles are pointless, seeing as how Seehan doesn’t lose. Seehan is also an unrealistic character; he goes through entire regions within the span of a few months. An example of this is after the Sinnoh flashback, where Alice comes to the realisation that he completed the Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos league in a year.
Speaking of Alice, she has been reduced to a fangirl, who constantly depends on Seehan, to the point where it can put off female viewers. You also seem to have a fascination of having Alice go through a lot of misery. Throughout the story, she has had her Swablu brutally murdered, get sexually harassed twice by Fern, nearly gets eaten by a Seismitoad, costing her the full potential of her special powers, and nearly getting beheaded by a Scyther. She then gets reduced to a shallow love interest, a staple for Pokémon self-insertion fics. And then there is Fern…
My God, what had happened to the guy? In the base game, he was highly arrogant and talked trash to the player, but at least he had some charm. Here, he gets reduced to a clown, who is there, only to further empower Seehan, by getting demolished ridiculously easy. Seeing Fern suffer this much derailment is rather painful to see, and it only adds to the poor writing of the story.
This story has a lot of pointless elements in it to. What does randomly dropping Japanese phrases (kiminikimete, Daijobu, Mizu no Hadou etc.) add to the story? How about that folder that Seehan picked up in the Peridot factory? Does it ever get brought up again? How did Seehan gain his special abilities? This story leaves the viewers with more questions than answers, which is a sign of laziness. Adding to the problem is the authors lack of research. For instance, Alice receives a Pichu with the move, Icicle Crash. A quick search on Bulbapedia shows that Pichu cannot learn the move at all. Another part is where Seehan’s Gardevoir uses its mental energy on an Umbreon. Assuming that it was using a Psychic type attack, Umbreon shouldn’t have been affected, seeing as how it’s a Dark type Pokémon.
Which bring me to my last point. I find the story quite unappealing. The outcome for the battles are always going to have Seehan/Alice come out on top. Speaking of the battles, I’ve noticed a lack of consistency in a couple of them. Pokémon that have withstood multiple attacks in one battle, get knocked out in one hit, in another battle. I understand if you want to build up suspense, but seeing powerful Pokémon getting knocked out in one hit is quite nonsensical.
I really wanted to like this story, as a story based off of a Pokémon fangame has some potential. But this story is filled with an oversaturation of darkness, characters that, if they aren’t over exaggerated versions of themselves, are plain unlikable, and is filled with inconsistent battles.
Peace out.