jodieee

WOO! I actually read it a week ago, stopped when I saw Jeramy spelled Jeramy but, after seeing the feedback you've gotten, decided to continue again. And boy am I glad I did! Look, this has been really interesting so far. Written from Samantha's perspective, the writing was very natural and casual and I loved it. It was very smooth and I liked it way better than the omniscient narrative (although I am just biased like that). I LOVE THIS! It's so interesting! And I agree with Halloween above; that caught me off-guard, man, I was not expecting the bartender to be the MC of this show. Also, thanks for making me like Agent against my natural reaction to people who just shoot blindly even at their allies. (Cue my horror when he killed Jeramy and Mike OAO") I particularly enjoyed the little bit about him ringing the bell and giving such a generous tip at the diner, and also his writing style in the chatroom with Sam--that was great characterization; made him likable. That really makes a piece of writing enjoyable More, please! That was so amazingly intriguing. Swooning aside(oh god I can't wait for the next chapter; hope it's good), I second Halloween's feedback on formatting your story properly; I generally only read stories that are formatted well, and it kind of distracts me from the actual writing (so it's a big thing that I really like this btw, enough to overcome my aversion to poor formatting). Big walls of text = bad. Here, every time someone new says something, you should start a new paragraph. Example: The sound of his subordinate, Agent Jackin, picking up his own phone entered Harson's ear. "Agent Harson, sir! What do you need?" Harson tried to contain his sigh, wishing Jackin would drop the sir habit he had picked up in the military. "We've just sent Ms. Glawson to the safe house, and I'm preparing to send in my interview with her to the director. Have you made any progress with the unintelligible text?" Agent Harson could hear the sound of paper being shuffled through from the other side of the receiver, before Jackin said "Unfortunately Agent Tethers hasn't been able to make any progress on this "puzzle" as he calls it. I will keep you posted, sir." should instead be The sound of his subordinate, Agent Jackin, picking up his own phone entered Harson's ear. "Agent Harson, sir! What do you need?" Harson tried to contain his sigh, wishing Jackin would drop the sir habit he had picked up in the military. "We've just sent Ms. Glawson to the safe house, and I'm preparing to send in my interview with her to the director. Have you made any progress with the unintelligible text?" Agent Harson could hear the sound of paper being shuffled through from the other side of the receiver, before Jackin said "Unfortunately Agent Tethers hasn't been able to make any progress on this "puzzle" as he calls it. I will keep you posted, sir." So, when Jackin stops talking and it's Harson's turn, Harson gets a new paragraph for his dialogue. Dialogue tags are also important to note, btw. Dialogue tags are things like "he said" "he snapped" "he retorted", basically anything that attributes the speech to the action of the person saying it. Utterances that can't be used with verbs that don't actually cause them directly can't be used as dialogue tags. I'll give examples. ["Sir, it's time to transfer her." A heavily set guard said.] should be ["Sir, it's time to transfer her," a heavily set guard said.] -> comma at the end of the sentence if you're using a dialogue tag, small letters for the first word unless it's a proper noun. [Jackin said "Unfortunately Agent Tethers..."] should be [Jackin said, "Unfortunately Agent Tethers...] -> with dialogue tags, use commas before giving the dialogue. With non-dialogue tags, use full-stops. (Example for non-dialogue tag: Jackin sighed. "Unfortunately..." -> "sighed" is a non-dialogue tag because you can't "sigh" words.) Of course, for non-dialogue tags, the first letter of the first word following the utterance should be capitalized: "Sir, it's time to transfer her." A heavily set guard bowed. (you can't "bow" words) If I was unclear on anything, please feel free to clarify. I like your story so much (and it's only just started, LOL.) that if you're actively looking for a beta reader, I'm available. Thanks for sharing it with us! Edit: also, whoa, I'm an English major and also turning twenty-one this year!

Thanks for the overview! Augh, Jhin sounds really twisted. I'll have to see if I can keep up with this. All the best with writing!

Klang!

Hey there, your story's off to a promising start! I just gotta ask, this story is based off a LoL game character, right? I've never played LoL, so I was wondering if this is a fan-made background story or just a story where he's the main character. I enjoyed your use of imagery (very rich and vibrant), but at the parts where he dehumanized individuals into puppets and the world into some sort of "canvas" for his 'art' the richness of the imagery combined with his lack of empathy (psychopathy perhaps?) evoked feelings of sickness in me, urk. Also, good use of metaphors. They drive home the fact he's a psycho, and makes me dislike him and hope he gets his just desserts @_@ /cries About the writing itself--it flowed pretty smoothly and I enjoyed myself but it hit some bumps here and there. If the setting wasn't so obviously in an alternate universe/different era, I would've considered the prose a tad too flowery for first-person POV--but as it currently stands, it certainly makes sense considering who the narrator is (as well). However, the use of punctuation wasn't appropriate in some contexts, particularly the use of commas. I can collate them when I'm more free if you want. Some of the words were used strangely, such as these two that particularly stood out to me: "a sanguine red" somewhere in the first few pages; I think just sanguine would be sufficient since otherwise it would just be repetition? like "a blood-red red" "I watched one of his students charge toward me; the clandestine eyes were soaked with malice" -> as far as I'm aware clandestine is basically synonymous with "secret", so that was kind of an odd phrasing. I would characterize something like, say, a meeting or perhaps a society as clandestine, but not a body part. I would be interested in reading more, but I have to know: do you already have a clear plot in mind for this story? (Aside from just Jhin killing everyone and becoming the only person alive hopefully, although everyone knows that's his goal...) I don't think I could handle reading further in his perspective without there being one, mainly because my favorite MC narrators are of a certain type and Jhin doesn't fit that casual, orthodox type. ^^" But as long as there's a plot this story will be steered firmly towards, you have my interest!

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone!

I'm still at the foresty area (where Connor's gonna cut down the tree to make a passage, but I'm grinding and looking for a Lotad because I love those things), but I just wanted to drop by and say that so far I love where the game's going! I love how the starter pokemon balls are all scattered around the island and it's super refreshing that they're not the usual fire/grass/water types. Also Connor feels like a total tsundere. I'll probably come back and edit this post when I progress further into the game. Also can I just say that the splash screen (?) creeps me right the hell out. So. Thanks for that too. Edit: Crappy crap, I'm super psyched. Trying to evolve my poochyena now for Connor so I'm taking a break from grinding. It got seriously intense, the increasing sense of foreboding as I ventured further through the forest and into the underground village and talked to more and more villagers and the initial worship of Kulki in the first few I came across at the beach seemed to insidiously transform into something far more suspicious. LOVED IT. Also I seriously like Connor so far. He's my favorite character right now. (kind of have a crush on him but shhh) Gonna try to beat him soon.

Thank you! Those are adorable! I've already visited the fan game expose section (sorry for the missing diacritic) and I've downloaded Pokemon Rejuvenation, Regal, Desolation, Isolation, and Se7en! Thanks for the rec; for the short while I've played Rejuvenation it's been a really promising start! The prologue-ish beginning gave me serious creeps ... I'm currently level grinding a few Pokemon that I've caught though!

Hey guys! I'm Jodie, and I love Pokemon games. Well, the older ones, anyway... The main series games have been rather lacklustre lately in my opinion. Since B/W onwards, the plot/storyline has just been not very immersive. I feel like there's just been too much handholding in Gen V onwards. What I loved about my favorite game (Crystal/Soulsilver) was that you had to explore almost everything yourself and the game didn't constantly force-feed you cutscenes to tell you what to do next (and not, say, cutscenes that involve the actual plot). I eventually moved from my love for the main games to the mystery dungeon spin-off series (which are really darn good w.r.t. the plot, like really) because at least the difficulty level was higher than the newer main games that feel so bland now. (I'm still--barely--holding out hope for Pokemon Sun and Moon, please oh please be good.) So! To be very honest, I disliked Pokemon fan made games with a passion; for some reason, they just didn't feel authentic. I played a little of Pokemon Insurgence, thought it was okay, went onto forums to see reviews, and saw that someone mentioned Pokemon Reborn as the best. So of course, I googled it and downloaded it and fell in love with it and for some reason I just found it so so so amazing. Right from the start I was hooked even though I was so certain that I would never really like any fan made games. Like, right from the start. When I walked from the bombed train station to Opal Ward. The music was incredible, and interactions with the NPCs just felt so ... real. It was amazing. Anyway! I'm still at Lapis Ward (grinding under the grand stairway of the subway(??) so that I can go rescue Victoria) but so far it's been an incredible journey. I'm loving every bit of it. I've never had the chance/need to use more than 5 of my party members (with the 6th being a HM slave) and now I have several other Pokemon around the same levels in the box I can take out any time to continue with my journey. I love love love love that. Thank you Ame! <3 And I've been lurking and stalking the forums like a rabid fan girl for the past few days so I figured hey, why not register so that I can subscribe to some of the forum threads I'm interested in? So uh I thought I'd introduce myself here. HELLO!