Disney Movies

[Amethyst]

This is my small weekend quest. In various forms or another, I've recently realized that I haven't seen any Disney movies since I was about 12. That's probably not true, but it's close enough an estimate that I'm willing to say it.

So begins my quest: Rewatch all the old disney classics... and a few nonclassics. Because why the hell not?

And why the hell not? Write down my random thoughts on all of them too. Makes for discussion. Or something.

Cinderella is first on the list, seeing as my old high school is adpating a stage version of it. I have it [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgTwrns4qD8"]Here on youtube if you want to watch along.[/url]

First thing that comes up is some goofy old tone of music with a log with a color scheme that makes me want to puke. We're off to a great start! How did they not lose the 8 year old audience in the opening credits alone?

A story book! I don't remember the movie opening with a storybook...
"Here in a stately chateau..." I though this was a kids show?

Why does the bird have a nightcap? There are just so many things wrong with that... And the other one has ... what do you call the head-towel thing? How was this okay with me as kid?

"If you tell a wish, it won't come true." I forgot that's where that was from... WHY DO ALL OF THESE BIRDS HAVE CLOTHES? Oh, that one's naked. Scandalous punk.
...Even the mice have shirts. No pants though. I guess Disney just didn't wanna animate mouse crotches. Can't say I blame them.

She's ballroom dancing with a pillow. I understand she's been abused and whatever, but I think this girl needs some serious psychiatric help.

Oh. They animated panties for all these girl mice though. Call me a perv for noticing, but one angle kinda make it obvious. I wonder how the animator behind that felt...
"What's up Jack?"
"Just drawn undeerwear on mice."

...Oh, so Cinderella made all the clothes. Definitely needs therapy. Or maybe just a friend (who's a therapist).

I think Jack the mouse said the cat's name was Lucifer? I approve. But he looks like a Skuntank. And acts like one too. I'm naming my next (first) Skuntank Lucifer.

Clearly Cinderella's not the only mentally disturbed one here. Poor doggy Bruno. All twitchedy on the floor.
So I never realized the parallel here. Cinderella says she'll never give up her dreams, but then tells Bruno the dog to give up on his... Hrm... She's playing the role of the oppressor and the opressed.

Ah, the mice getting the corn... For some reason the corn Cinderella puts out that the mice steal.. is my acid test (lasting impression) of the entire film. Why? Who knows. Instead of risking Jack's life, they should just eat Gus. Problem solved.

Jack kicks the cat into his bowl of milk, but um, FALCOM MOUSE KICK kicked Lucifer up... But Lucifer's face went... down, into the bowl. Momentum failure.

Gus's gluttony will be his downfall... He can't let go of all that corn to save his life, literally. So that is... In turn fulfilling Lucifer's gluttony? Lots of hypocrasy in parallels here. I suspect it's making a social commentary on the favored class of the era.

Bells ring calling Cinderella, and she just mumbes "coming" as if they can hear her two floors up? >.>; But! She does so balancing a plate on her head as she goes up the stairs? Go her. Pro balance is pro.

Hm... I didn't not notice her drop a slipper on the step before.. Parallel to at the palace later. But she accidentally saved Gus' life doing so... Who does she save with dropping the glass slipper? Herself? What does this symbolize? Why aren't I better at analysis?

Angry king made a ridiculous mess of the castle. Fantastic. He doesn't seem like a bad guy in spite of the anger...
But.. doesn't anyone care about the Crown that flew out the window?

...Not only does the King crawl on the table, he like, belly flops across it... what the hell? I mean I get the over dramatic comicism for kids, but... It's a bit ridiculous even if you ask me.

I'm with Lucifer on how bad the sisters are doing with the song though... Ow ow ow ow ow...
Props to their actresses for sucking so well. And props to Cinderella for generally kicking their asses without any effort what so ever. True to Disney Princess fashion, of course.
Trippy bubbles too.

What the fuck did Anastasia do to that poor defenseless flute... That woodwind did nothing to deserve such abuse... D:

"What have we discussed, girls? Self Control above all else?"
*knock knock*
"WHAT?!"
Yeah. Definite controlled rage there. Nice goin', stepmom. By the way, where is daddy in all this? And what happened to her mom? Missing links, missing links everywhere!
...That's beside the point. More hypocrasy. Hm.

So she has only a few hours to do a ridiculous amount of chores (Nice going, Gus) and the first thing she does is twirl around in her tower (why does she live in the tower anyway, and why was there a mousetrap up there? I don't expect the rest of her family should have been so bothered to put one up in her quarters) and kill a bunch of time. Silly child.

Again, she just says "I'm coming" instead of calling back so they can HEAR her. No wonder they keep yelling...

So all the animals make her dress for her. "Leave the sewin' to the women!" says one mouse. Leave it to Disney to include sexism even in their anthropomorophosized characters...

Butt-scootin' cat!
Oh come on, why bother picking up the pearls from that neckalce? It's as good as broken...
And I'm pretty sure Gus's tail grows in length...
Wow, the mice sew in and out of the dress blind? I'd love to see that one screw up wherein the inner mouse doesn't duck in time, and the needle pierces his head and he falls into the bottom of the dress, bleeding to death, stuck on the pin forever....... Maybe I'm the one who needs help.
But damn do those animals know how to work.
...why don't they do chores with Cinderella?

Wow, the carriage is here and the sisters are dressed in basically a tanktop and dress. How... classless.
Gus is special ed. Poor kid.

Okay, NOW the sisters are in proper dresses. With rumps bigger than camel humps...
And so the sisters tear her dress apart in from of an increasinly red background, and trot out with their rears flying around with more bounce than you see in an opening of Baywatch. Nice Disney. That's another one that must have been awkward to animate. "Ass! Ass everywhere!"

So Fairy God Mother appears...
And Cinderella's never met her before? She cries on a bench and then this old woman materializes her and the bench and not only does she not NOTICE at first, but then she starts talking to this crazy old lady saying she's looking for a MAGIC WAND and not only believes her (she talks to animals and ballroom dances with pillows (practice for the actual ball? How convenient. But I wonder who taught her?)) but even FIGURES OUT that she's a Fairy Godmother! Oh, that MUST be it? Happens all the time, you know.
Hey, Miss Fairy Godmother, where have you been the rest of her life? I'm sure this isn't the first time miss Step Mom has been a royal jerkhead.
Just everything is wrong with this.
Bring my back to the Grimm brothers wherein it was her mother's grave, and the spirit of her real mom that answered her wish. Bring me back to lentils, and wishes and me watching too much Sondheim!

So she starts charming a pumpkin with her Salak da lamaka helik da lamaka bippity boppity boo and some random chorus joins in out of nowhere. She's not even saying the magic words; this is not even a song; I'm not even sure what to think.

Well, I like how the Mice have no problem at all with being turned into horses (no problem adjusting either)... How does the real horse feel about being so out-classed?

Also, way to go Disney, enforcing the idea that looks are everything. Get the fuck out of my culture. OUT.
Then again, it's not as if Cinderella isn't nice, but it's not as if that matters to our prospective prince. He doesn't care. As long as she's hawt, dawg. If she's bitch then screw, she can be the evil queen. Maleficent anyone?

I also like how the Fairy Godmother inspects the shade of Cinderella's eyes when creating a WHITE dress.
No problems with white here, white's a bro, don't get me wrong, but uh.
Eye color? Doesn't so much matter on white.

Oh, here we get to the dream theme again. This whole sequence is "a dream come true" presumably because Cinderella never gave up on her dreams? But she still told Bruno to... And look, Bruno is a footman now! Still serving under Cinderella. The moral of the story is... If you want your dreams to come true, crush other peoples'?

Holy- they actually formally introduce EVERY girl to the prince. Poor prince. Poor girls. So much competition.

Fortunately the sisters look absurd.
Also... Monocles are now Yo-yos. Baller.

Okay
So Cinderella is dancing by her self in the middle of the ball. Freak.
But the prince goes for it. He must be into the odd-ball types.

And that's all it took to win the prince. Show up late, look lost, meander around and start dancing by yourself.

The king says "when the boy proposes." Jumping the gun aren't we a bit, Kingy?

The lyrics say "So this is love" Quite a song considering the two have not yet SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD TO EACH OTHER.
But they certainly have danced quite a ways off the ground. Forever and ever.

And the cock-block clock begins to chime just before the first kiss... (on the first date? Cinderella's easy)
...And apparently she is so dense as to not realize that she was dancing with the prince? Given the spectacle everyone made, how could she not? Did the thought never even cross her mind?
Oh
Right
She's blonde.

And the pumpkin is trampled by the horses. Poor pumpkin! He served well!

Hm. How do the slippers not evaporate anyway? Metaphorical.. She left a slipper on the stairs in a rush, both times, and both times, it accidentally saved her. Is it a comment on haste? I... don't know. Hm. Any thoughts?
No one cares. I know. Shut up. Quite honestly I'll be surprised if anyone bothered to read all this.

That king is just a little -too- obsessed with Grandchildren. It's kinda creepy..

The king hust shoved a ton of cigars in the Grand Duke's mouth out of nowhere... I like how offscreen anywhere is infinite stock of anything.

The Grand Duke and King both end up sitting in the chandelier due to their trampoline-hell of a bed (and what the hell was that.) and the King realizes Eureka on the Glass Slipper, so he proceeds to cut them down.
I don't care how he lands.
In physics applied to disney movies, that slipper would be dust.
Idiot.
Trampoline bed suddenly gives out. Walt Disney does not know the meaning of the word physics

The stepmother has some crazy intense eyes though.
They glow in the (Randomly appearing) dark. I suspect she may be a cat.
Lucifer's mother perhaps.
It would make sense.
She could be hiding her cat ears in her ridiclous hair.
The ones we're able to see are obviously decoys.

Mice also have x-ray eyesight to see keys through pockets. It's their superpower.

The sight-gimmick with the slipper fitting on Anastia is kinda... lame...
But go mice people. Haul that key! Only about 500 more stairs to go before the tower?! Where are your mouse holes now?!

I feel sorry for these mice.
They're working so hard to get Cinderella free... Only for her to leave them forever. T_T

Mice stock forks! And candles....
An army of birds and mice cannot stop Lucifer.....

So we call on Bruno! Here we go! Suddenly Cinderellas dreams are dependent on those of the ones she crushed before! But lo and behold, Bruno will do it without hesitancy [s]because he's a dog[/s] [s]because it's Disney[/s] ... why again?
Because the theme to this movie is contorted.
Or... that you have to accept the dreams of even those under you to truly realize your own?
Hm.

Meanwhile Druzella, what a name, struggles to fit the shoe on herself.

Grim brothers version:
The sisters thought, once she's married, she'd never need to walk. So what's one toe, or a heel?

One step sister cuts off her toes to make the shoe fit. The prince nearly takes her as a wife, when he notices the blood in the shoe. He takes her back tries the other sister

The second sister cuts off her heel! Oops. Same mistake. Oh well~

Cinderella then gets the bloody shoe. Guess they cleaned it up for Disney. Can see why, but it's a much less powerful ending as far as punishing crooked desperation.

Furthermore,
Cinderella has RIDICULOUSLY tiny feet.
What the hell
Size three, children's...
(Only children don't wear high heels [s](Unless I raise them[/s] (We hope (Much less glass ones (We hope?))))

Suddenly, Bruno charges at Lucifer, who jumps striaght out the tower window and falls to his death!
Well, we don't actually see him land, and since cats always land on all fours he's probably fine. But for drama's sake, I'm pretending he fell to his death. Damn Skuntank.

Cinderella escapes! The evil step mother's plans have been foiled! The Grand Duke calls the footman with the slipper (haha get it, slipper? foot man? oh disney. oh bloody loldisney) to try the slipper on Cinderella
But the step mother trips him, breaking the slipper once and for all! Its magical miracle karma has worn off! Its shattered into a thousand pieces!
And everyone who has half a soul really wants to FALCON PAWNCH the Stepmothers' lights out right about now.

Thirty seconds later, a wedding scene. These people waste no time. Watch, I bet the baby will be here in less than a week. That's how impatient the King is.

And frame out with the random pointless story book.
The brothers would be ashamed.

Personally, I wanna know if Bruno was content with devouring Lucifer a top the tower. Screw Cinderella, what about the dog? Even the horse got a happy ending, getting to lead all the royal steeds. And the mice never see Cinderella again after all his hard work! Lucifer probably lives after all his foul deeds! And the sisters keep all their body parts attached. Shame.

Classics... Well, one of many anyway.

It's three in the morning, I'm posting this without any editing whatsoever. If you have a problem with that, too bad. Actually, I'll be impressed if anyone bothered to read my random incoherency.
I'm going to sleep, dang it.

[s]I want my blood soaked slipper ending[/s]
Bah.

[Stein]

Ame- The Nostalgia Critic for Disney Movies...

[Amethyst]

I've actually never seen Nostalgia Critic, but the name tells me all I need to know. Like I said. Just random thoughts. ._.

[Godot]

had fun? XD

[Professor Layton: Pokemon Master]

Commenting on comments

waking up at 1 in the afternoon on Sunday i turned to my computer to find that Fatima (Saya) had sent me a link in which Nick (Ame) rambles on about Cinderella. I chuckled at the idea but didn't read it and went about my day. now i find myself here at 4 in the morning and then i decided to read it. And really my main concern is, Nick, WTF MATE?! did we watch different movies? So i have compiled a short (to me) list of rebuttal points. now before i continue let me start by saying this in no way means i didn't find this entertaining, and in now way is it an attempt to attack or discredit Nick. I love the Yellow haired girly man as much as a straight man can love a smaller effeminate man (and i say that with love). its just if there is one thing that I love more then Video games its film and i waste no opportunity to discuss them. so anyway on with my nonsense.

First a little back story, Many different cultures have a version of the Cinderella story that predate the first printing by Perrault. In fact some Folklorist believe its history may go as far as the first century B.C.. But the story that seemed to father what would become the basis of most Cinderella stories to follow is the version written by French author Charles Perrault the man who is often times credited as creating the fairy tale genre itself. He introduced such elements as the glass slippers and fairy god mother. The Brothers Grimm released their version as part of their German collection, and is often considered the goriest version due to the sisters willful mutilation of their own feet and their eyes being pecked out by the pigeons at Cinderella's wedding (ah those crazy Germans and there violence). And then we reach the 1950's release of Cinderella, and at the time Disney was really attempting to bank on it as the film was being hyped as "Disney's greatest movies since Snow White" which was their highest grossing film so they Most-Def had high expectations for the film

So now that that is out of the way lets start with item one and im going to quote nick

"Yeah. Definite controlled rage there. Nice goin', stepmom. By the way, where is daddy in all this? And what happened to her mom? Missing links, missing links everywhere!"

Ok lets just get this out right away because amazingly enough when you hear people talk about Cinderella most people forget that we do see the father sure it may only be for 12 seconds (yes i counted!) but we do see his mustached ass. and yes as nick said the film does start with "Here in a stately chateau," but the part he didn't mention was there lived a widowed gentleman.

So there ya go dead wife, no doubt struck down by the dreaded "Disney parents" virus, an affliction that is transferred from child to parent upon contact and will pretty much make the parent a ticking time bomb for incoming DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!.

The film says he felt that Cinderella still needed a mother so married Lady Tremaine (yeah people she has a name). I personally have a problem with him going after someone as old as Lady Tremaine but eh, its France i'm sure he was getting some booty somewhere else. The father then dies of "Disney parents" virus himself (or an std, it was France,(or hell maybe lady Tremaine did it. i wouldn't put it past the bitch)), anyway he dies.

NEXT!!!!

"Poor doggy Bruno. All twitchedy on the floor.
So I never realized the parallel here. Cinderella says she'll never give up her dreams, but then tells Bruno the dog to give up on his... Hrm... She's playing the role of the oppressor and the opressed."

This point is actually a realization on my part in that i actually see what Nick is getting at here. and this part is actually intensified IMO by a part nick neglected to make. So Lucifer who is in the room as Cinderella is speaking to Bruno, kinda mentions how Lucifer pretty much has no redeeming qualities (so then whats the problem with Bruno wiping his fat ass of the earth? i mean Bruno looks old and tired as it is cant he just bite that bastard in the jugular before he goes? sure Lady Tremaine will be pissed to hell since she can no longer stroke him while living out her secret desire to be a Bond villain. but it doesn't stop there so Lucifer plays the victim after attacking Bruno while Cinderella's back is turned and so she takes him out side but then she yells at Lucifer as if she knows that he was pulling something, So then what the hell? why punish Bruno your faithful companion, and reward the Devil cat with a bowl of cream?!

NEXT!!!!

"So Fairy God Mother appears...
And Cinderella's never met her before? She cries on a bench and then this old woman materializes her and the bench and not only does she not NOTICE at first, but then she starts talking to this crazy old lady saying she's looking for a MAGIC WAND and not only believes her... but even FIGURES OUT that she's a Fairy Godmother! Oh, that MUST be it? Happens all the time, you know.
Hey, Miss Fairy Godmother, where have you been the rest of her life? I'm sure this isn't the first time miss Step Mom has been a royal jerkhead.
Just everything is wrong with this.
Bring my back to the Grimm brothers wherein it was her mother's grave, and the spirit of her real mom that answered her wish...."

Id say that if there's one thing that i majorly agree with its this right here, see Disney kinda had to work with this one a little ham-handeedly. in the original story the Fairy godmother is Cinderellas actual Godmother who JUST HAPPENS to be a fairy, so when it came down to how to introduce her they were probably "like fuck it she just kinda randomly appears in the actual story might as well just have her pop right in." As well Cinderella has to work for all this stuff as her godmother tells her to collect all the mice and what not for the whole setup. So after taking place in what is essentially a quest for WOW shes all set to go. now before i finish with this comment let me segue into my last point which is.

"Oh, here we get to the dream theme again. This whole sequence is "a dream come true" presumably because Cinderella never gave up on her dreams? But she still told Bruno to... And look, Bruno is a footman now! Still serving under Cinderella. The moral of the story is... If you want your dreams to come true, crush other peoples'?"

So that crazy Frenchman Perrault had a nasty habit of taking on a small morals section at the end of all his fairy tales (even red riding hood. I mean come on.) so yeah Cinderella actually has a Moral. And while most would speculate that ists something like good things come to those who wait or work hard and you will be rewarded or something along that line its actually these TWO morals. and i quote

"Beauty is a fine thing in a woman; it will always be admired. But charm is beyond price and worth more, in the long run. When her godmother dressed Cinderella up and told her how to behave at the ball, she instructed her in charm. Lovely ladies, this gift is worth more than a fancy hairdo; to win a heart, to reach a happy ending, charm is the true gift of the fairies. Without it, one can achieve nothing; with it everything."

Translation: Stop being such bitches! jk jk. and number two?

"It is Certainly a great advantage to be intelligent, brave, well-born, sensible and have other similar talents given only by heaven. But however great may be your god- given store, they will never help you to get on in the world unless yo have either a godfather or a godmother to put them to work for you."

Translation: it doesn't matter how awesome you are because the only way to really get ahead in life is with a magical friend or family member who was a key member of your baptism. So keep hoping Christians they are on their way! and all you other folks out there who didn't anoint yourselves might as well go kill yourself cause you destined to fail." I mean really? But when you think about it that's all Cinderella boils down to. Forget the slipper, if that magical old- windbag hadn't shown up well she'd pretty much be screwed royally.... except not being screwed by royalty.... i see what i did there.

So that's my take as with Nick i would actually be surprised if someone read all of this especially considering that mine is nooooooooowwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee near as funny. since i wasn't trying to be. but eh. if you read it good for you. if your fatima thanks i'm sure this was difficult since you had to support something i did (yes i just used will-o-wisp) and if nick reads this i say continue on you crazy man id love to dance with you again!

[Amethyst]

Hah, if that was a Will-o-wisp, it must have missed. No burn felt; on the contrary I'm glad somebody has legitimate background info on the story.

With regards to background about her parents, sure, all that is knowable from the previous incarnations of the tale, but to a seven year old girl seeing this at the time, she only has the information that they give her. If they did say her father had since died, I must have missed it, but I'm pretty sure there was no mention of her mother at all.

In any case, as for dancing again, like I vaguely said before, I intend to take on one movie per weekend. So expect more incoherency in the future~

[Professor Layton: Pokemon Master]

wootness