This probably is not the right place for this but, critique my writing? :3

[iowayshay]

So, I'm trying to get into writing regularly. I think it helps me to stem my depression symptoms a bit, and when I'm writing I actually feel like I'm maybe doing something productive. I haven't written stuff like this very often, so don't expect anything spectacular.

I'm just looking for critiques of any kind, but maybe not so much the technical stuff. (Punctuation, capitalization, that kind of editing.) Unless its like REALLY bad and I somehow didn't notice. I struggle a lot with point of view, so if it gets confusing at any parts please let me know where and why so I can figure it out? Thankies...

..and p-please be gentle s-senpai...

It was pretty damn cold that morning. Cold enough to finally break out my old pea coat and boots. I woke up about an hour and a half earlier than usual in the hopes that I’d have time to stop at Kathie’s Koffee for a shot of espresso or something. I certainly thought I did, I was walking pretty slow. The russet and brown leaves were falling off of trees and fluttering to the ground, where they swirled all around in interesting patterns across the road. The wind wasn’t too cold, and it seemed so quiet and peaceful. More so than normal. I figured it was probably because of all the road blocks that had recently been set up after the fire on 7^th street.

There were only a few other people on the sidewalks, and maybe 6 or 7 cars sped past as I made my way to work.

Ugh. Work. I could certainly do without it. Well, not really considering it pays my utilities and all that, but the coffee could certainly be better, and Jake could be less of a complete jackass, and the carpet could be nicer. God it was the ugliest fucking eyesore anyone had ever had the misfortune of seeing. Not even the 90s would want that carpet back. If they tore that shit up they’d probably have twice the clients they did now…

Thud!

I hadn’t even noticed the poor woman until she had crashed right into me, she looked older, maybe in her 50s. Her sweatshirt and jeans were wrinkled and dirty and she wore a pair of old scuffed up Nikes. She had fallen backwards onto a large, black backpack, she looked a bit like a struggling turtle.

“I-oh my god. I am so sorry here let me help you.” I stuttered.

She had dropped a couple duffel bags, so I crouched down and picked one up for her as she scrambled rather quickly to her feet. I went to hand her the bag but she only stared at me with wide exhausted, distrusting eyes. She quickly snatched up the remaining bag and took off right past me. She ran pretty damn fast for a lady with that many wrinkles.

“Hey!” I shouted. “Your bag! Your other bag ma’am?!”

But she just kept running until I could hardly see her little colored blob through my blurred vision. It was then I noticed that my glasses were gone.

Fuck.

I dropped the bag and crouched down to scan the concrete, praying they were somewhere nearby, luckily I managed to find them rather quickly, but of course, the right lense had a big, beautiful white crack right down the center. Fucking wonderful.

I put the stupid things back on my stupid face and was so ready to stomp off in a huff, but then I remembered the bag. It was still sitting on the ground right next to me, crumpled and dirty. The woman looked like she might have been homeless or something. I wasn’t sure what to do at first, I mean, what if it was full of cocaine? Or counterfeit money? Or puppies!? My apartment totally does not allow pets. But the bag looked so lonely, and whatever was inside couldn’t be too crazy since the woman was so keen to just leave it here. It was probably just full of more raggedy clothes or tiny shampoo bottles or something. Might as well do something with it. Besides, leaving it here was probably considered littering, and if there’s one thing that Opal Davenport would never do, it’s litter. I grabbed the dusty black strap of the duffel bag and slung it over my shoulder and got back to walking. I peered down at my watch through the freshly cracked glass, and of course, my shift started in 15 minutes.

Fuck. So much for that espresso.

[lost-silver]

wow thats awsome! ur really good! way better than me!

[wallacethepig]

As a guy who writes short stories for lawlz (check 'em out here), I'd be all too happy to give you some advice.

First, I know you said you didn't want people to criticize your punctuation, but that's actually crucial for expression and immersion, so yeah.

Example:

Your version:

I hadn’t even noticed the poor woman until she had crashed right into me, she looked older, maybe in her 50s. Her sweatshirt and jeans were wrinkled and dirty and she wore a pair of old scuffed up Nikes. She had fallen backwards onto a large, black backpack, she looked a bit like a struggling turtle.

“I-oh my god. I am so sorry here let me help you.” I stuttered.

My revised version:

I hadn’t even noticed the poor woman until she had crashed right into me. She looked older, maybe in her 50s. Her sweatshirt and jeans were wrinkled and dirty, and she wore a pair of old, scuffed up Nikes. She had fallen backwards onto a large, black backpack, which made her look like a struggling turtle.

“I-oh my god. I am so sorry. H-here, let me help you.” I stuttered.

So what did I change? Well, I put a few more periods and commas in. I also did something that I forget to do for myself quite often: Omit Needless Words. Say what you're trying to say in as few words as possible.

As for my critiques on the passage itself, it's passable. Very good, actually. You've got a nice setup going on here with the Normal Joe Gets Mysterious Item from Stranger. You manage to tug at the curiosity of your reader by making them wonder what the bag contains, as well as how many more things will go wrong for Mr. Main Character. (It's fine that he(she?) doesn't have a name; I often deliberately avoid naming my characters.) Or maybe things won't go wrong - the bag contains some sort of whacked-out good luck charm that makes his life awesome but everyone else's lives turn to crap. Who knows? It's up to you.

As for tips, try and read your sentences aloud if you can to see if they make sense. Omit Needless Words (remember that one). Really, it's hard to find non-technical flaws here. The only confusing spot is when you say "the lady snatched up the remaining bag" and then go on to describe how she left a bag behind. Maybe choose words other than "remaining," like "the lady snatched up one of her bags."

Keep up the good work!

[Raindrop Valkyrie]

Just for future reference, Creative Writing stuff can be done in the RP forums as well, since there isn't a place for it naturally yet. It is similar enough that it isn't out of place there.

[iowayshay]

As a guy who writes short stories for lawlz (check 'em out here), I'd be all too happy to give you some advice.

First, I know you said you didn't want people to criticize your punctuation, but that's actually crucial for expression and immersion, so yeah.

Example:

Your version:

I hadn’t even noticed the poor woman until she had crashed right into me, she looked older, maybe in her 50s. Her sweatshirt and jeans were wrinkled and dirty and she wore a pair of old scuffed up Nikes. She had fallen backwards onto a large, black backpack, she looked a bit like a struggling turtle.

“I-oh my god. I am so sorry here let me help you.” I stuttered.

My revised version:

I hadn’t even noticed the poor woman until she had crashed right into me. She looked older, maybe in her 50s. Her sweatshirt and jeans were wrinkled and dirty, and she wore a pair of old, scuffed up Nikes. She had fallen backwards onto a large, black backpack, which made her look like a struggling turtle.

“I-oh my god. I am so sorry. H-here, let me help you.” I stuttered.

So what did I change? Well, I put a few more periods and commas in. I also did something that I forget to do for myself quite often: Omit Needless Words. Say what you're trying to say in as few words as possible.

As for my critiques on the passage itself, it's passable. Very good, actually. You've got a nice setup going on here with the Normal Joe Gets Mysterious Item from Stranger. You manage to tug at the curiosity of your reader by making them wonder what the bag contains, as well as how many more things will go wrong for Mr. Main Character. (It's fine that he(she?) doesn't have a name; I often deliberately avoid naming my characters.) Or maybe things won't go wrong - the bag contains some sort of whacked-out good luck charm that makes his life awesome but everyone else's lives turn to crap. Who knows? It's up to you.

As for tips, try and read your sentences aloud if you can to see if they make sense. Omit Needless Words (remember that one). Really, it's hard to find non-technical flaws here. The only confusing spot is when you say "the lady snatched up the remaining bag" and then go on to describe how she left a bag behind. Maybe choose words other than "remaining," like "the lady snatched up one of her bags."

Keep up the good work!

Thank you so much! I've noticed lots of unnecessary words in a lot of writing recently since it's my current english teacher's number 1 pet peeve. XD

And honestly the punctuation stuff is really helpful too. I always seem to struggle with that for some reason, but I'll definitely check your stuff out! Thanks again.

And yeah, I thought about the RP forums, but I dunno. I felt it would be pretty out of place there. :/