[Journal] Dobbys Musings

[Felicity]

This will simply be a place where I vent my ponderings and thoughts on whatever I feel, or when I want to feel intelligent and talk to myself about various issues. Feel free to comment, I guess.

One such issue strikes me now.

Where do the words come from? Where does my inspiration, desire and drive to write stem from? Is it my mind, desperate for attention and an outlet, or is it a machination of the heart, a desire born of what is thought of as a soul in literature?

For that matter, what makes the literary and creative world go around? Is it the inspiration of the intellectuals, or the intellect of the inspired that influences it all the most? I am not really in a state to be able to judge that, I have very little life experience of my own, these are the musings of a 16 year old boy.

I have spent the last fifteen minutes pondering my original question, and I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it should be a goal of mine to find the source of my desires. Perhaps I should look inwards and unravel my own thoughts. Few men dare tlook within themselves, dare I become one of those men?

[Felicity]

I recently feel as though I have gotten over an inferiority complex.

Today, my stepbrother comes around, and every time he does, my mother compare us, she means nothing wrong by it, but she still does it and I often feel worse for it.

This is because he is that standard sporty lad who plays nigh every sport and is well on his way to being a "Mans man". For a long, long, long time, I felt as though those qualities made him better than me, but recently I've realised that those qualities aren't everything.

That said, what qualities are good or bad, desirable to me? What qualities do I myself want to avoid getting as I walk through life?

[Felicity]

There are times I despise myself, times when I am disgusted by my actions and choices and what i've done. When I have this mindset, one would think i'm at the top of a spiral of self destruction, and this would be an accurate diagnosis if not for a few key things.

The first and foremost is the fact that I like myself too. No one knows the true self more than themselves, and when I look at myself, with all the flaws and failings, all the things that could be seen as good, all the things that make me, I come to the conclusion that I am a decent person and that if I keep working, I may one day reach that lofty image of an ideal Me. This often makes me happy and in moments of calm, when the thoughts of regret close in, I can take comfort in that knowledge.

The second thing that prevents me from hurting myself in anyway is the fact that I am an optimist, I always try to fight and see the good in a situation, and the fact that I try and often succeed validates that part of me. It makes me happy.

The third thing that helps me when I'm thinking dark thoughts is one very simple thing that many people really know me for. I am a stubborn dick, for better and for worse. I hold myself to my own standards, and to hell i'll go to meet those standards, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do, but that in itself is a contradiction as I would not be having melancholy moments of reflection if that were wholly true.

Oddly enough, dwelling on why I rarely give in to my self hatred has revealed to me why I occasionally do so. I am quite contradictory, and this makes me, in my eyes quite a hollow person. I am assertive when faced with a problem yet when there are others I am often the last to act. I often make hypocritical statements, and I often lie to peoples faces, even if those are only small lies, despite trying to adhere to honesty whenever possible. To anyone who doesn't know every detail of these situations, that itself is contradictory anyway.

All of this makes me feel like less of a person, I measure that on a persons integrity quite often, and sometimes I feel I lack integrity, and so I despise myself for that.

Is there a solution to that? Another thing to think on, I suppose, but for now I will take solace in the fact that I am at least not heartless, and I know that I am trying to be better.

[Felicity]

I now find myself desiring a relationship. I want the intimacy one can find between lovers, the absolute trust that I see between the few perfect pairs in the world, the strength that comes with that trust to overcome the obstacles every relationship faces. As someone pointed out to me in a conversation, this could be found in a truly strong friendship, but the intimacy I speak of isn't something that can be fostered between two friends alone. It's the intimacy and closeness and warmth one can find with only one other person, and this is something I can only really describe to an extent. I have my own views on these matters, as does anybody, be it an infatuation or obsession with this, a complete disinterest in them, or straight up hatred or a fear of these relationships. I have my onw views, and in the end, I don't even know if what i'm searching for is possible. But I can damn well look.

[Felicity]

The inevitable bitch segment.

Today, i'm with friends, chilling in costa coffee, and there's the one prick who just sticks around long enough to be tolerated, and we're chilling chatting. Talk turns to our romantic lives, ls chill, but then the little twat decides to sneak in snide comments about not only who I like, but also taking the piss about how I was rejected. Bitch, you follow your crush around like a puppy, and you haven't even worked up the courage to ask, you have no fucking right to comment on this.