The Great Christmas War (Warning: 18+)

[Raviel the Phantom]

Please be advised that the following story contains gifts of an adult nature.

The following story is meant to be humorous, a personal collection of my own family tradition. If anyone would care to help me edit it for a writing contest due on Christmas Eve, I would appreciate it.

The Great Christmas War

Christmas. It is a time for family and friends. Many of us have traditions in our families, from Secret Santa to Christmas Dinner over at Uncle Bob’s house. Well, it may not be that basic, but we all have one. There is something special we do with those we care about during this time of year. And then there is my family. Do not be mistaken, I could not ask for a better family. In fact that is what makes our Christmas tradition so fantastic. Our tradition started about six years ago, and looks like it is here for the long haul. Each year, a few of us exchange gifts with the sole purpose of utterly humiliating each other.

These gifts have never been tame. While other families would be mortified to see these gifts out in the open, mine simply laughs hysterically. It makes it all the better. Everything is fair game. No punches have ever been pulled. It is a battle each year to make the family doubled, gasping for air from laughing. And of course, leaving the recipient as red as a tomato.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment, here is the past five years of my family’s “Christmas Gag Gift War”. The names have not been changed, the gifts uncensored. My family is filled with adults, and this has adult material. The stories are not for the faint of heart. You may die of laughter.

A Doll’s House

It all began on a wintry day in December. My high school sweetheart, Caitlin, and I walked up the steps to my Aunt Sue’s house to celebrate Christmas. It was a tradition to go to her house to exchange gifts. It had been that way since I could remember. I had just finished my first semester college, and it was good to be home. Caitlin and I walked into the living room, and a bizarre gift caught my eye. It stood nearly as tall as me. And whoever wrapped it must have gone through about three different rolls of wrapping paper and about a thing of scotch tape.

Before I could ask who did it, I got my answer by the big grin on my Cousin Ben’s face. Ben is a year younger than me, and was almost done with high school at the time. I asked him who it was for, and to my surprise it was me. A million thoughts buzzed into my brain, trying to figure out what it was. Well I figured I would find out soon enough so I put it away quickly, decided to eat and talk to my aunts and uncles.

After an hour or so, we all gathered into the living room to exchange gifts. Ben immediately blocked his gift to me, saying that it had to be last. The family figured it was okay, and went about the exchange like we did every year prior. People got the usual: books, clothes, and cash. Same as always.

Then it was done to that oddball gift he got me. I had to stand up in order to pull the wrapping off. The first thing that popped out was a blonde head. Pulling a bit more at my cousin’s fantastic giftwrapping, I found a doll looking back at me with a big surprised look on her face. I knew immediately what it was. So did all my aunts uncles, and my parents. Ben insisted that I kept unwrapping it. The living room began to fill with hooting and laughing. As I continued to reveal more of the doll, it only got louder. There before me stood a naked blow up doll with a little note taped to the nape of her neck.

For those lonely nights at Penn State

To make it worse, Ben had decided that it would be funny to write CAITLIN in big black marker across the doll’s chest. I looked over to my girlfriend, and saw that her face was buried in her hands. I could not tell if she was laughing or just embarrassed; probably both. By now my whole family was in tears. Ben had a big grin across his face while he laughed like a hyena.

My Cousin Tina pushed through the crowd with something in hand. I could not tell what it was until she placed on the doll’s head. It was a brunette wig. Caitlin was a brunette, and now CAITLIN was too. My face turned another shade redder while my family was doubled over holding their sides. To be fair, though, I was laughing too. Caitlin, on the other hand, was blushing more than me. Poor girl, I think my family traumatized her. It was some sort of miracle that she did not break up with me.

So once everyone settled down, CAITLIN was placed in the corner to remind I had a new friend to take up to school. The next day, I tossed that doll in the trash.

Striptease Christmas

Around October the following year, my Uncle Bill, Ben’s father, told me an interesting story about his son. Ben had gotten a job as a bar tender over the summer at a bar near his house. One night, a bachelorette party came in for drinks. Apparently the women liked the fact that my cousin had been working out all summer to get ready for baseball in college. One thing led to another, leaving Ben shirtless and doing pushups while the bride-to-be sat on his back. My Uncle Bill made fun of Ben for a few weeks after that, calling him a stripper.

That is when it hit me, the perfect plot for revenge. I had not forgotten about that doll from last year, and this was a chance to get even with my cousin. While I was busy studying up at Penn State, I spent my downtime plotting the perfect gift to get my payback. If my cousin wanted to be a stripper, then it would be good for him to get all the proper equipment.

Once again it was Christmas time. Caitlin and I walked up to the front door of my Aunt Sue’s house. She held a box while a large pole-shaped gift was tucked under my arm. We entered and quietly put the gifts by the tree. Unlike my loudmouth cousin, I decided it would be better to blindside him with this gift. After an hour of mingling, we gathered in the living room to open up the gifts. I made sure that his gift was last to be picked.

Bed was not all that surprised that I got him something. I guess he anticipated I would try to get him back for the doll. He opened the box first, which I mockingly wrapped up just like the doll was last year. Opening it, he pulled out a Chip n’ Dale calendar and a G-String. My family started howling, especially my Uncle Bill. Before anyone could settle down, I handed him the second part of his gift. Tearing away the paper, a long metal pole stood in the middle of the living room. Taped across the length in blocked letters was “MY FIRST STRIPPER POLE”. The room erupted with laughter. I was in tears when I saw the look on Ben’s face.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and what better time than Christmas.

A Gift for Two

Another year passed and it was Christmas once again. It almost meant another year for our Christmas War to continue. Unfortunately for me, I had been slacking on the gift ideas. Final exams and term papers kept me preoccupied. I was hoping that Ben had learned his lesson, and that there would be no pranks this year. Sadly, I was wrong. Oh so horribly wrong.

Like every year Caitlin and I arrived late to my aunt’s house. We had a bit of insanity at her house, but that would be better left to another story. By the time we got there, most of the gifts had already been exchanged, leaving just the grand finale of the usual trade between Ben and myself. That is when a shocking twist turned occurred in our little battle. Ben handed me a large bag, but said it was for me and Caitlin. She and I looked at each other, knowing that this could not be good.

Nevertheless, we sat down in the only spot available. It just so happened to be front and center for everyone in the living room to get a good look at our gifts. My Aunt Mary Jane sat right next to us with a camera ready. Now it was not like Ben had told anyone, but he had been spending a part of the night letting everyone know it was a gift not meant to be missed.

Side by side, Caitlin and I pulled a bunch of items all wrapped up from the bag. I went first, ripping the gift free from the wrapping paper. The gift that I held was a special kit used to tie up someone for…let us say adult purposes. Meanwhile Caitlin opened a package of nipple tassels. Mind you she is rather…chesty. So the gift was even more embarrassing. We were both red as a stocking, but our torment was not finished yet. There were two more gifts, we each took one. I ignored the laughing from everyone, while I opened my gift to find a festive book of Christmas Karma Sutra. It was not as bad as the first two gifts. Sadly though, neither of us knew that the grand finale was about to be opened. Caitlin pulled the colorful paper slowly away. She saw a note taped to the side of the gift that read, “For a little help”. Sitting on her lap was a pink vibrator. I thought she was going to die of embarrassment. My family was no help, most of them having trouble breathing from all the laughter. Then my Aunt Mary Jane lifted her camera and took a few pictures of our horrified faces. They are in a collage at her house to this day.

Needless to say, Ben got the better of us that year. However, he made a crucial error. He dragged Caitlin into this, giving me a powerful weapon. She was mortified. Now, she wanted revenge.

Rubber Tree

Despite our desire for revenge, our creativity ran dry the following year. Ben had been on his best behavior, so no funny stories for us to exploit. It was turning out to be difficult to come up with a gift that would top his from the year before. I was going to give up on the whole war and call a truce. That is when fate stepped in.

A week before Christmas, Caitlin and I were walking through a crafts store looking for decorations. Some of the stuff was already on clearance, so we decided to look for stuff there. Walking up and down the aisles, we looked at all the items. There was nothing out of the ordinary, until something caught my eye. Sitting on a shelf was a fake evergreen tree, about three feet tall. It was really nice looking, but surprisingly cheap. At first, I was planning on getting it for myself. That is, until a lightbulb went off in my head.

Ben had always been single. He also liked to brag about that fact, telling about all the girls he got to meet at bars. With that thought running through my head, I decided to make use of the tree for a more nefarious purpose. It would be a festive gift that while not as mortifying as last year, would be a blow to his ego.

That Christmas came the same old trip to my Aunt Sue’s house. I had wrapped the tree and arrived a bit late from Caitlin’s house. There was no insanity this year. Dinner just ran late. Regardless, we were late and the gifts had already been exchanged. I walked right up to Ben who was sitting on the couch, and placed the gift right in front of him. I told him to open it, despite the fact that no one was watching. He did and revealed the tree. It was covered with colorful blue ornaments with a blue star cut out of cardboard taped on top. It caught my Aunt Mary Jane’s attention, as she called over my other aunts and uncles.

Everyone started to compliment the colorful tree and the creativity. Meanwhile, Ben was absolutely confused by the gift, until he realized what the blue ornaments were. They were condoms. The tree was filled with them. And that beautiful star that was being admired had the name TROJAN written across it. I used the box to make it.

Suddenly, a hush fell over the room. Everyone began to realize what the tree actually was. My Aunt Mary Jane, who had been taking pictures of it, lowered the camera. She just stared at it. My other cousins were laughing hysterically, but not from Ben’s reaction or the gift. It was from the reaction of all our aunts and uncles. Unintentionally, I had pranked every one of them.

Though Caitlin and I did not get our revenge, we did manage to blindside my entire family. So I guess I will calk that up as a win.

Their First Time

I thought the condom tree would be the last year of the wars. After that, Ben and I decide to call a ceasefire on the pranking gifts. To be honest, neither of us had any more good ideas for gifts. The ones we did come up with were already used, just a tad different. It worked out. This way we could work on just getting gifts for loved ones. Sure it was not going to be same anymore, but hey, what are you gonna do? Well I suppose that some deity enjoyed our gifts, because fate intervened one again. An opportunity presented itself to me that I could not pass up.

While Christmas shopping, I took a stop by the mall, and swung into a place called Spencer’s. For those who do not know what that is, it would be best described as a college student’s paradise. Among the shot glasses and funny t-shirts, there are the adult items in the back. Walking through the store, a few of these items made me laugh. One in particular jumped out as an amazingly funny gift for another cousin of mine. My Cousin Abby, Ben’s younger sister, would be a perfect target. And the fact that she had a boyfriend would make it a fair game.

Once more it was Christmas. At my Aunt Sue’s house we gathered and exchanged gifts like usual. Toward the end of it, I turned to Abby and Nate with a wrapped box in hand. Thinking that it was just a simple gift from a nice cousin, they opened it. Abby pulled out her gift and the room burst with laughter. In her hand was a riding crop. Now what makes this gift especially titillating is that Abby has always been fond of horses and horseback riding. Of course, this crop was meant to be used on Nate. Speaking of which, it was now his turn for him to open his gift. I decided to go with the classics, as he held a pair of handcuffs in one hand and a ball gag in the other. For a nice twist, though, I added a message saying, “These are meant for you”. Nate smiled weakly while Abby laughed.

Everyone enjoyed the tradition continuing. The look on their faces was priceless. I do hope that it does not come back to bite me.

Sneak Peak

For five years now, we have been doing this crazy tradition. Completely humiliating, but still a lot of fun. Well it is Christmas again, meaning for the tradition to continue. Sadly, I will not able to share what happens this year, but I will be nice and share with you what I have in store. First, I need to mention that there have been some developments over the past year. Caitlin and I are now engaged, meaning that there are tons of new ways we can be attacked. Ben finally has a girlfriend, a nice girl named Megan. Unfortunately for him, and for her, this means that our ceasefire is officially over. Caitlin and I have been waiting for this to happen. Revenge will be ours. I am sure he is aware of it, because he has hinted of getting us something too. With Abby and Nate on the other side, we have a war on two fronts. It is going to be exciting!

Now it is onto this year’s gifts. Caitlin and I have decided not to go out and spend a lot on these gifts, taking the old fashioned approach of making them instead. A new story about Ben has inspired his gift. As it was told, Ben had yet another bachelorette party. One thing led to another, and he ended up wearing nothing but a red solo cup. I do not know how it happened, nor do I want to know. However, it does present a wonderful opportunity. We have made him a red solo cup thong for him. And to make sure Megan does not feel left out, we have a matching bikini top.

Abby and Nate’s gift needs a bit of explaining. Both of them are fans of the Game of Thrones series. She even got me reading the books. Another thing worth mentioning is that Abby has a sword collection, and Nate is a flat out nerd. For their gift I made them a wooden sword. Ordinarily that is not a gag gift. But after you make a few modifications, the sword ends up looking like a giant wooden penis. I have appropriately dubbed the phallic weapon “Morning Wood!”

I do hope my family enjoys the gifts.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Raviel the Phantom

[Hypa]

thanks man that helped me get outta my hatred of christmas , although i wouldn't be brave enough to do it myself as i live in a family full of preuds i don't talk to my parents about girlfriends nor do i let them meet them because my mom would be at my throat and my dad would be ordaining the relationship because he is lets say highly christian. Anyways best of luck with the new gifts loving the christmas cup. GL on the wedding btw.