Poetry

[Moshe]

Hi everybody. Most of you probably don't know the fact that I like writing, but I surely do. Altough I've been neglecting it for some time, I feel like I should pick it up again, and it just happens to be that this forum exists . A quick warning though: Since English isn't my native language and that I'm (just) 14 years old, it could lead to various grammar mistakes. Sorry for that.

I fight with my bare fists,

I think with my head,

But I some to lose,

I don't think I can outstand.

Everything seems so blurry,

And the world is falling away

I don't have any grip anymore,

And my own universe is falling into disarray

I once was that divine soldier,

Had the world in my hand

But now that I've fallen from the edge,

I'm trying to climb out of the quicksand.

Positive and negative critism is allowed:)

[LeMasterJP]

If I put on my "newspaper critic" face and were to review this, I'd say I don't know the story behind your poem. Most, if not all, poems use these mystical and magical sentences to 'hide' the deeper meaning behind the poem, such as the loss or gain of a lover, or sinking in depression or the gain of happiness. I think I miss that here.

On the positive note, you just started (again), and I am certain you must merely swipe the rust of your skills and continue your work, I am certain with enough practice and perhaps if you follow my advice I'll be looking forward to reading another great poem of yours.

yours sincerely,

Master Jan Paulson

[Moshe]

Thank you,

I get the advice you're giving me, and I totally agree with it. Most of the time when I write, I just making rhyming sentences about a certain desire, but in what way should I improve it exactly?