Depression and Me

[Guzam]

The title should be self explanatory to what this is about.

Usually when I get depressed it's because I feel beaten down, not liked, or am just getting on myself for useless things. Some examples of this is when I got my first ever warning point back when they didn't go away. I felt bad because I was in the wrong, I knew I was in the wrong and still fought over it anyway. After having some sense beaten into me, I realized that I was acting like a terrible person and started to get on myself. I decided I wouldn't even visit the forums anymore or anything. That didn't last that long. And even though I came back looking all happy, I was still a little sad. After some time I wasn't anymore.

The next wave hit me like a brick however, when I thought about league, excessum league, Nations and all that kind of stuff. It made me sad that I wasn't able to participate in league because I was too late joining and hearing it would never come back. When Excessum League died on the switch to Showdown I was a little sad, then I thought about league and started to beat myself up again. Well then Nations came before all of this and I made myself out to be like this huge battling presence until I realized I was nothing compared to others at the time. I felt useless fighting certain people and I felt like a bad player. Plus being in the nation that lost by 1 I think it was, was pretty brutal to me. I know I shouldn't get sad over little games like these, but this is one of the only things I'm good at and that I can use to make a name for myself. When I go on a losing streak, I just feel awful and don't want to do anything anymore.

That kind of stuff was long lasted however, when I got three more warning points. Now I deserved these things for what I did. I was tired and said some questionable things that I thought would be funny. That's not how you talk to people however. You can't say the kind of stuff I said as it's just rude and downright awful. After it was all said and over, I began to beat myself up again for being such a bad person, and I don't even know if I've actually apologized to the person I said these things too. I know I apologized to Amethyst, but being myself, I just didn't feel right. Every time I look at my account and see "3 Warning Points" I always think back to what I did and it makes me sad. Not just because of what I did, but because I thought other people would look down on me. See me as a horrible person and someone who shouldn't be trusted. Heck even when I talk to Amethyst or any other mod, I get nervous thinking that someone just wants to have me stop talking. Ever since, I've kind of just left the issue, but I still get reminded of it from time to time.

Finally this week my ego, confidence, and self-esteem kind of took a huge drop. Not because of Warnings or anything, but because of Pokemon. Lately, I've been going on a losing streak like no other. I know I'm still good to some people, but When I look at others I just feel small. I went onto the OU ladder in main and just dropped. I lost 5 matches in a row, won 2, and lost 3 more in a row. I just feel awful at this game lately. I try to come up with my own creative teams and sets and then it all just gets shot down. It makes me feel like a bad player. I always say I could've done this or that, but I didn't do it. Then I get mad at myself, I beat myself up and just feel small and worthless all over again. I've even tried making an OU team out of some of the most common pokemon in the tier and by viability rankings, but even then, I just can't win. I don't know why I let this get to me, but I feel like my skills are fading and that everything is crumbling around me and that everyone thinks I'm just bad. I try so hard, but for what? Just to realize I could've or should've done something different and then beat myself up again. I feel so bad. I feel like everyone is just going to gather around and laugh at me.

I can't help that other people are good, and I understand that. But I'm not sad because they're good. I'm sad because I'm bad. I'm sad because I try to stand tall and be superior, but I just can't. I try to be the best, but I just can't do it. I'm limited to just the skills I have, and they don't do me too much good anyway. Not to mention my own self-esteem comes in and tells me "Hey, you suck! Leave this. Just stop." I listen most of the time. I always try to pick myself up in this game, only to fall again. I just keep picking myself up, and falling everytime. I feel questioned, judged and beaten by those around me even though they do none of those things. I feel like I can't be creative, but when I'm doing what everyone else is doing, I can't even do that. I just feel awful.

I debated even posting this or not because I felt like all of you would see me as a drama queen or someone seeking attention. Well I don't care. I'm only posting this just to get it off of my chest. I don't even know if this is going to make me feel better or not. I'm just going to smile and pretend anyway.

[Yash]

Depression is a deep pit, man.. I get that you feel sad about loosing and all that.. That doesn't seem like something getting depressed over.. I'm sorry if it sounds insensitive or something, but I can assure your there are worse things in the world than what you have described.. Still I can understand that it could be something else entirely that is bothering you.. I would just say this, find something that makes you happy and do that.. Don't expect anything and don't compete.. Do it for the joy of the activity.. You can read, listen to music, watch shows and movies.. If you want to try creative things then write, compose music if you know how, make a game on RPG Maker..

Whenever I've felt depressed/sad I talk with friends.. It helps me.. Tell them how you feel.. Work on improving yourself.. That helped me..

[Amethyst]

One good thing about warning points is that only the only ones who can see yours are yourself, and staff. Now, it is part staff's job to not judge users too harshly for their points. Consider extending yourself the same courtesy. Someone once said that it is better to hate the crime than the criminal. That was a true saying.

Believe me, if I wanted to make you stop talking, I have the power to do so here. But I don't want that. I want you to keep talking, because I want to see you do better in the future.

It's easy to get discouraged when we're focusing on comparing ourselves to others. Instead, try centering on how you can improve- regardless of where anyone else is at.

Be kind to yourself.

[madf0x]

As someone whose floated around many different kinds of forums, with many different screen names, sometimes rightfully kicked from some and wrongfully others and occasionally simply valued and respected: dont let some infraction points get to you. Its just numbers in a database and its the emotions behind them that really count. I dont know what you did, but I recently acquired some points myself and I say just take it as a sign that you crossed the limit but now you know where that limit is and can flirt with it from time to time.

For the whole skill thing, Im sure you could probably beat me any day of the week and while I get thats not the point youre trying to make consider that a large part of what makes competitive skill is psychology. Its quite simply possibly you are on a losing streak not because your skills are crumbling away but because you are trying to fight when your mind is in a dark place. Everyone has their own way of handling this, but one practical thing you could try(worked for some, not for all) is too go into a match with the entire sole intention of losing while trying to do something funny. Throw together some janky team thatd never work but does something you think would be hilarious if it happened and just roll with it. Experiment and flirt with failure, take it on a date, romance losing. That way when you are done and run into it again itll feel less miserable and more fondly. Greatness isn't in consecutive victory, its in learning from every encounter no matter the outcome.

[Chase]

We're our own worst enemy sometimes. There's no better destructive force than the around humility we can unjustly lay upon our own shoulders.

It's okay Pyrr - we as a staff support you and only act because we -want- people to be able to stay here. Hopefully you can let yourself know you're welcome to as well.