Another Journey

[TF2000]

Hmmm…I hate to come across as offensive or anything, but this story has some major problems with it.

Firstly, the oversaturation of ‘Dark’ elements in the story. Now, I understand that Reborn is a dark game, and for that, I appreciate it. But, another thing about it, is that it doesn’t oversaturate darkness, like Rejuvenation does. This story is like the latter; for starters, you’ve gotten Kris and Lyra killed off in a random Tyranitar attack. What does this add to the story? Nothing. Adding to the oversaturation of darkness is the fact that you put in a lot of deaths in the story. Now, I know that people died in Reborn, but the game doesn’t go overboard on it. In the Sinnoh flashback alone, you’ve had Barry’s Luxray, Dawn, Cyrus and his Pokémon, and hundreds of Sinnoh citizens die. To me, darkness is like salt. A bit makes the dish tastier; too much ruins it. And this story is in the latter…

Secondly, the characters of the story. You have the author-insert Seehan, who could go down as one of the most unlikable protagonists in a Pokémon fanfic. From the get go, you have him as an arrogant person, who looks down on those weaker than him. From my perspective, Seehan is also a coward. Why do I say this? Seehan is gifted with special powers that makes battles ridiculously easy, to the point where the battles are pointless, seeing as how Seehan doesn’t lose. Seehan is also an unrealistic character; he goes through entire regions within the span of a few months. An example of this is after the Sinnoh flashback, where Alice comes to the realisation that he completed the Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos league in a year.

Speaking of Alice, she has been reduced to a fangirl, who constantly depends on Seehan, to the point where it can put off female viewers. You also seem to have a fascination of having Alice go through a lot of misery. Throughout the story, she has had her Swablu brutally murdered, get sexually harassed twice by Fern, nearly gets eaten by a Seismitoad, costing her the full potential of her special powers, and nearly getting beheaded by a Scyther. She then gets reduced to a shallow love interest, a staple for Pokémon self-insertion fics. And then there is Fern…

My God, what had happened to the guy? In the base game, he was highly arrogant and talked trash to the player, but at least he had some charm. Here, he gets reduced to a clown, who is there, only to further empower Seehan, by getting demolished ridiculously easy. Seeing Fern suffer this much derailment is rather painful to see, and it only adds to the poor writing of the story.

This story has a lot of pointless elements in it to. What does randomly dropping Japanese phrases (kiminikimete, Daijobu, Mizu no Hadou etc.) add to the story? How about that folder that Seehan picked up in the Peridot factory? Does it ever get brought up again? How did Seehan gain his special abilities? This story leaves the viewers with more questions than answers, which is a sign of laziness. Adding to the problem is the authors lack of research. For instance, Alice receives a Pichu with the move, Icicle Crash. A quick search on Bulbapedia shows that Pichu cannot learn the move at all. Another part is where Seehan’s Gardevoir uses its mental energy on an Umbreon. Assuming that it was using a Psychic type attack, Umbreon shouldn’t have been affected, seeing as how it’s a Dark type Pokémon.

Which bring me to my last point. I find the story quite unappealing. The outcome for the battles are always going to have Seehan/Alice come out on top. Speaking of the battles, I’ve noticed a lack of consistency in a couple of them. Pokémon that have withstood multiple attacks in one battle, get knocked out in one hit, in another battle. I understand if you want to build up suspense, but seeing powerful Pokémon getting knocked out in one hit is quite nonsensical.

I really wanted to like this story, as a story based off of a Pokémon fangame has some potential. But this story is filled with an oversaturation of darkness, characters that, if they aren’t over exaggerated versions of themselves, are plain unlikable, and is filled with inconsistent battles.

Peace out.

[Dragon116]

Don't listen to the guy above. This story is wonderful.

[Abyssreaper99]

I swear he also said the same thing a few days after Seehan released the latest chapter, then took it down and put it back up again... Plus I love this story so yeah.

[Foamy]

I swear he also said the same thing a few days after Seehan released the latest chapter, then took it down and put it back up again... Plus I love this story so yeah.

I think it might have been deleted by the mods that time?

Personally, I believe that the guy raises some valid points. The story isn't really bad, but it has some areas where it could be improved upon.

[spark95]

I think it might have been deleted by the mods that time?

Personally, I believe that the guy raises some valid points. The story isn't really bad, but it has some areas where it could be improved upon.

I agree. Valid points, but the problems he points out are certainly not fatal to the story, atleast not yet. If these problems are things Seehan hasn't really considered up til now, it's still very possible to gradually change things in the upcoming parts.

As for the part about darkness, I don't think it is bad at all. Canon games logic is that everyone's skin is made of diamond, regardless of what species, with no permanent effects from fights. For a story, I don't think that would work as well.

[TF2000]

I agree. Valid points, but the problems he points out are certainly not fatal to the story, atleast not yet. If these problems are things Seehan hasn't really considered up til now, it's still very possible to gradually change things in the upcoming parts.

As for the part about darkness, I don't think it is bad at all. Canon games logic is that everyone's skin is made of diamond, regardless of what species, with no permanent effects from fights. For a story, I don't think that would work as well.

You raise a good point there; however, as I've stated, darkness is alright, if there is only small doses of it. I personally feel that this story has too much darkness. An example, what was the point of stating that Kris and Lyra died in a Pokemon attack?

[spark95]

You raise a good point there; however, as I've stated, darkness is alright, if there is only small doses of it. I personally feel that this story has too much darkness. An example, what was the point of stating that Kris and Lyra died in a Pokemon attack?

I mean, if you think about it, its not that out of ordinary to hear people dying from Pokemon attacks. If you look at real life, people die from animal attacks. Photographers or tourists in Africa, shark attacks at the beach, or even hikers and grizzlies in the mountains. I think, within the context of the story, its a good example of how Pokemon are much stronger than people and pose a real danger if they target humans. Kinda like how Pokemon Colosseum series. The author is consistent in the lethal power of Pokemon throughout the story as well.

Thus, I think it contributes in that way.

Perhaps watching Game of Thrones has changed my view on the whole "darkness" in stories, but I think the Author is doing fine.

[Seehan]

Definitely good feedback from everyone ^^ I'm always looking to improve and honestly I kind of want to rewrite a lot of the story, make things more cohesive/better ( plot would stay the same). Getting criticism is defs healthy, so feel free to shoot me a PM any time

[spark95]

Will you continue the story on this thread or are you going to move over to the Creative Writing section? JW so that I can follow.

[Seehan]

Alice stepped forward. Dozens of question littered her mind, but she only asked one.

"Why? Why did you betray everyone who believed in you and join Team Meteor?"

Corey was silent for a moment, as if debating on how to answer. When he finally did speak, it was in the voice of a defeated man.

"It... Is a long story. I was, and still am, weak."

"Many years ago, I met the love of my life. We were happy. I was happy. For the first time in my life, everything seemed right. When I was with her, I was complete. I was... Naive."

"It was exactly what Team Meteor had been waiting for. For a member of the Original 18 to have an opening. A weakness."

"My wife... When she gave birth to Heather, she passed away. For several years, I thought it to be simply a tragic accident. Upon investigation, however, I discovered the truth: my wife had been murdered."

"Of course, I sought to find out more. I didn't rest for weeks. Months. Finding her murderer became an obsession; it became the only thing that mattered. I neglected Heather, and my duties as a Gym Leader, for the sake of my revenge. In my blind rage, I failed Heather as a father, and the Region as a Leader. I justified it all to myself, by swearing that it would all be worth it in the end."

"However, when I finally found the bastard, my plans fell though."

"The man who killed my wife is a high ranking member of Team Meteor, by the name of Sirius. He murdered her for the sake of a ring... A Ruby Ring."

"The same ring Heather has with her now."

"She will be hunted for it. I was forced to join Team Meteor to ensure her, and the Ring's, safety. Now that she has decided to leave, however, I can no longer protect her. Team Meteor will bring the full force of their power down on her."

"I no longer have the right to call myself her father."

"Please, watch over her for me."

His eyes had glazed over in reminiscence as he told his story. Upon finishing, however, his eyes focused upon those of Seehan and Alice. There were no more words to be said. There were no more questions to be asked. Corey nodded in understanding.

The older man cast a sideways glance at Alice.

"That Pikachu you have... It was once mine. It was to be a gift for Heather... I ordered it specifically from the Hoenn Region for her. However, after an argument with her, I threw its Pokeball over the bridge in a fit of rage. The fall must have damaged the Ball's release mechanism, erasing its trainer information and releasing it into the wild. It is yours now. Use it well."

And that was that.

The two trainers stiffened in alarm as Corey pulled out his Pokeballs. However, the man made no move to throw them. Instead, he reached into his pocket and extricated a worn Pokedex. Inputting his password, he activated the tiny machine's Voice Authentication.

"I, Corey, authorize the full release of all Pokemon affiliated under my name. Any and all privileges associated with my account are to be terminated."

As he shut his Dex, Corey threw it off the bridge.

As he did, the Pokeballs in his hands began to quiver and shake, their casings shattering from the forced release. In an explosion of light, his 6 Pokemon were released onto the bridge, their eyes panicked and confused.

"That's it. We're done. You served me well, but this is the end. Leave."

One by one, his Pokemon went their separate ways; all but his Crobat. Its eyes were fixed on those of its Trainer, and Alice was suddenly hit with the memory that Crobats could only reach their third form with love from their trainer. At some point, Corey had been a kind and compassionate trainer to his Pokemon.

Corey smiled at his Pokemon one last time.

"That means you too. We had a good run, but this is the end. Go, now."

With one long, last look at its trainer, Corey's Crobat took wing and flew off towards the sunset. Corey watched it go, his face unreadable. He walked to the edge of the bridge, gazing at Reborn City.

"And with this, my duty is finally over. My love... I'm coming."

Seehan suddenly had a terrible premonition. He had seen this scene far too many times before. His mouth opened in a soundless cry as he lunged forward, his hand reaching out towards the older man in front of him.

He was too slow.

In one fluid movement, Corey slid off the bridge, falling into thin air - and the city far below.

"No!"

Seehan reached the spot where Corey had just been standing and slammed his fist into the side of the bridge in frustration and defeat. Once again, in what seemed like the story of his life, Seehan had failed in his most important promise to himself.

What's the point of having power if I can't even save a single life?! Dawn, Kris, Lyra... Forgive me.

Alice had slid to the surface of the bridge in shock, her hands clamped over her mouth and her eyes wide.

A voice behind the two shattered the moment.

"What a moron. Did that dumb-wad really just throw himself off of Beryl Bridge?"

Seehan and Alice turned, coming face to face with exactly the person they didn't wish to see: Fern. The green haired youth carried on, oblivious to the tension that was so prevalent in the two he currently faced.

"Sucker's gone for sure. And to think, he was the one I came all the way up here to challenge... What a waste of time."

The boy sneered at Alice.

"You beat him, huh? Must have been so embarrassing for him; pretty easy to see why he offed himself. Brings a bad name to the Original 18 when you lose to shit tier trainers like you. He was such a failure that he didn't even give you a badge! What a sorry excuse for a Leader hahahaha!"

As Fern laughed, Alice could feel silent rage emanating from the dark haired youth behind her. Although he hadn't known him long, Seehan had still considered Corey an ally, even if it had been a lie. She made a motion to him behind her back.

Don't rise to his provocations. It's not worth it.

Wiping a tear from his eye, born from his laughter, Fern took a more serious tone.

"You probably see me as heartless, yeah? Please. Not like I knew the guy. I just see it as natural selection, you know? So some old guy goes crazy and throws himself off a bridge... Big deal."

He smirked at Alice.

"But hey, if you're so concerned about him, why not go down and find him? Who knows, maybe he miraculously survived that kilometer long fall. It looks like he fell into the Lapis Ward, right below us. Not that I see the point though, he was just a-"

Fern was cut off as a massive explosion shook the bridge. The shockwave blew the three trainers off their feet, and Alice found herself sprawled on the cold stone of the bridge, ears ringing and vision hazy. Screams of panic could be heard from far below them, and smoke and debris hung in the air.

Seehan got to his feet and looked out over the city.

"That huge plume of smoke... It's coming from the North Obsidia Ward... Right at the Grand Stairway!"

Fern jumped to his feet.

"Whoa! Something's going down! I'm gonna go find out what it is, later losers!"

And with that, the youth ran off towards the Beryl Ward. Alice looked to Seehan, a panicked expression set on her face.

"What should we do? I want to find Corey, but we can't ignore that explosion either. What if we can help?"

Seehan shook his head, his features clouded in smoke and dust.

"Let's head to the Lapis Ward first to gather more information. Running blindly into an emergency situation could cause more damage than help."

"But-"

"Trust me. We have to take this in steps. What if there's a second explosion? Going in with zero information could just make us into victims too."

Alice knew he was right, even if she didn't want him to be. Fighting her every instinct to go running towards the Grand Stairway as fast as she could, she instead took a deep breath and closed her eyes, calming her heart. When she opened them again, Alice's eyes were clear.

"You're right. Let's get moving."

As the two trainers departed from Beryl Bridge, a man in a dark coat emerged from his hiding place. He had been prepared to eliminate Corey had he begun to leak confidential information; he was slightly disappointed that the man had instead elected to end his own life. As the man looked out towards the column of smoke rising from Reborn City, he touched his eyepatch and smiled.

"You were a useful pawn, Corey. You may have taken my eye, but you can be sure I'll repay the favor to your daughter... Many times over."

And with that, Sirius walked away, disappearing into the smoke.

End of Part 2: From the Ashes

Trainer Profile: Seehan

Trainer Rank: SSS

**Note: Seehan's Trainer Rank without Blank Slate and Empathetic Link would be A+.**

Badges: 1

Current team:

**Note: When in an Empathetic Link with Seehan, his Pokemon deal 1.5x more damage from all damaging moves, and gain a 1.5x increase in speed.**
**Note: When being commanded by Seehan in Blank Slate, his Pokemon's moves gain +1 priority, and land critical hits more easily.**
**Note: If both of the above conditions are fulfilled, Seehan's Pokemon temporarily gain 25 levels worth of stats.**

Monferno - Level 33 [58]
Ability: Iron Fist
Item: None
-Feint
-Torment
-Flame Wheel
-Mach Punch

Linoone - Level 32
Ability: Pick Up
Item: None
-Pin Missile
-Cut
-Slash
-Covet

Gardevoir - Level 32 [57]
Ability: Trace
Item: None
-Calm Mind
-Psychic
-Teleport
-Draining Kiss

Manectric - Level 31

Ability: Lightning Rod

Item: None

-Ice Fang [egg move]

-Bite

-Quick Attack

-Discharge

Gyarados - Level 32 [57]

Ability: Moxie

Item: None

-Thrash

-Ice Fang

-Bite

-Dragon Rage

Jumpluff - Level 31

Ability: Infiltrator

Item: Miracle Seed

-Mega Drain

-Fairy Wind

-Leech Seed

-Sleep Powder

Trainer Profile: Alice

Trainer Rank: S

**Note: Alice's Trainer Rank without Inverse Eye would be B+.**

Badges: 1

Current team:

Wartortle - Level 32

Ability: Rain Dish

Item: None

-Bite

-Aqua Tail

-Water Pulse

-Rapid Spin

Mawile - Level 49

Ability: Intimidate

Item: Mawilite

-Sucker Punch

-Iron Head

-Play Rough

-Knock Off

**Note: Alice currently cannot use Mawile in official gym battles, as she does not have the required Gym Badges necessary to register traded/foreign Pokemon as part of her official team. In unofficial battles, she may use Mawile freely.**

Roselia - Level 30

Ability: Poison Point

Item: None

-Grass Whistle

-Giga Drain

-Toxic Spikes

-Leech Seed

Numel - Level 31

Ability: Simple

Item: None

-Lava Plume

-Focus Energy

-Earth Power

-Take Down

Pikachu - Level 33

Ability: Lightning Rod

Item: Light Ball

-Volt Tackle [egg move]

-Thunderbolt [TM]

-Iron Tail [tutored]

-Icicle Crash [Hoenn Born]

Noibat - Level 30

Ability: Infiltrator

Item: None

-Agility

-Air Cutter

-Bite

-Roost

Edited December 30, 2015 by Seehan

[Seehan]

Will you continue the story on this thread or are you going to move over to the Creative Writing section? JW so that I can follow.

gonna be here forever

[Seehan]

Hmmm…I hate to come across as offensive or anything, but this story has some major problems with it.

Firstly, the oversaturation of ‘Dark’ elements in the story. Now, I understand that Reborn is a dark game, and for that, I appreciate it. But, another thing about it, is that it doesn’t oversaturate darkness, like Rejuvenation does. This story is like the latter; for starters, you’ve gotten Kris and Lyra killed off in a random Tyranitar attack. What does this add to the story? Nothing. Adding to the oversaturation of darkness is the fact that you put in a lot of deaths in the story. Now, I know that people died in Reborn, but the game doesn’t go overboard on it. In the Sinnoh flashback alone, you’ve had Barry’s Luxray, Dawn, Cyrus and his Pokémon, and hundreds of Sinnoh citizens die. To me, darkness is like salt. A bit makes the dish tastier; too much ruins it. And this story is in the latter…

Secondly, the characters of the story. You have the author-insert Seehan, who could go down as one of the most unlikable protagonists in a Pokémon fanfic. From the get go, you have him as an arrogant person, who looks down on those weaker than him. From my perspective, Seehan is also a coward. Why do I say this? Seehan is gifted with special powers that makes battles ridiculously easy, to the point where the battles are pointless, seeing as how Seehan doesn’t lose. Seehan is also an unrealistic character; he goes through entire regions within the span of a few months. An example of this is after the Sinnoh flashback, where Alice comes to the realisation that he completed the Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos league in a year.

Speaking of Alice, she has been reduced to a fangirl, who constantly depends on Seehan, to the point where it can put off female viewers. You also seem to have a fascination of having Alice go through a lot of misery. Throughout the story, she has had her Swablu brutally murdered, get sexually harassed twice by Fern, nearly gets eaten by a Seismitoad, costing her the full potential of her special powers, and nearly getting beheaded by a Scyther. She then gets reduced to a shallow love interest, a staple for Pokémon self-insertion fics. And then there is Fern…

My God, what had happened to the guy? In the base game, he was highly arrogant and talked trash to the player, but at least he had some charm. Here, he gets reduced to a clown, who is there, only to further empower Seehan, by getting demolished ridiculously easy. Seeing Fern suffer this much derailment is rather painful to see, and it only adds to the poor writing of the story.

This story has a lot of pointless elements in it to. What does randomly dropping Japanese phrases (kiminikimete, Daijobu, Mizu no Hadou etc.) add to the story? How about that folder that Seehan picked up in the Peridot factory? Does it ever get brought up again? How did Seehan gain his special abilities? This story leaves the viewers with more questions than answers, which is a sign of laziness. Adding to the problem is the authors lack of research. For instance, Alice receives a Pichu with the move, Icicle Crash. A quick search on Bulbapedia shows that Pichu cannot learn the move at all. Another part is where Seehan’s Gardevoir uses its mental energy on an Umbreon. Assuming that it was using a Psychic type attack, Umbreon shouldn’t have been affected, seeing as how it’s a Dark type Pokémon.

Which bring me to my last point. I find the story quite unappealing. The outcome for the battles are always going to have Seehan/Alice come out on top. Speaking of the battles, I’ve noticed a lack of consistency in a couple of them. Pokémon that have withstood multiple attacks in one battle, get knocked out in one hit, in another battle. I understand if you want to build up suspense, but seeing powerful Pokémon getting knocked out in one hit is quite nonsensical.

I really wanted to like this story, as a story based off of a Pokémon fangame has some potential. But this story is filled with an oversaturation of darkness, characters that, if they aren’t over exaggerated versions of themselves, are plain unlikable, and is filled with inconsistent battles.

Peace out.

All deaths have a place in the story; depending on motivation issues and such I may or may not get around to actually writing it. However, the storyboard is already established. Worry not; there is no such thing as a pointless death in Another Journey.

I defs should have chosen another name for my male protagonist; When this first started it was just a random ass story so I just used my name. Alice and the rest of the backstory came later. I absolutely hate writing about weak characters so all of my protagonists are gonna be broken af at full power so sorry )))

Alice is a badass. She'll have her moment soon. Eventually she'll surpass everyone, including but not limited to Seehan. Again, I might not make it that far though.

Fern is a piece of shit. Hate him. Basically using him to illicit hatred.

Pokemon is of Japanese origin. Kiminikimete sounds a lot better than "I choose youuuuu"

Gardevoir is Fairy/Psychic~

Again, all story elements have their place. Patience, young Padawan~ Foreshadowing and plot elements are effective because you forget about them because they show up so early.

How often does your player character lose? And don't worry. Both Seehan and Alice are about to get fucked up within the next two Parts. Don't worry about never losing :^)

[spark95]

Isn't Alice at a disadvantage for gym battles if she continues to carry her Mawile around?

Shouldn't she just store it and work on forming an acceptable team for future gyms?

[TF2000]

All deaths have a place in the story; depending on motivation issues and such I may or may not get around to actually writing it. However, the storyboard is already established. Worry not; there is no such thing as a pointless death in Another Journey.

I defs should have chosen another name for my male protagonist; When this first started it was just a random ass story so I just used my name. Alice and the rest of the backstory came later. I absolutely hate writing about weak characters so all of my protagonists are gonna be broken af at full power so sorry )))

Alice is a badass. She'll have her moment soon. Eventually she'll surpass everyone, including but not limited to Seehan. Again, I might not make it that far though.

Fern is a piece of shit. Hate him. Basically using him to illicit hatred.

Pokemon is of Japanese origin. Kiminikimete sounds a lot better than "I choose youuuuu"

Gardevoir is Fairy/Psychic~

Again, all story elements have their place. Patience, young Padawan~ Foreshadowing and plot elements are effective because you forget about them because they show up so early.

How often does your player character lose? And don't worry. Both Seehan and Alice are about to get fucked up within the next two Parts. Don't worry about never losing :^)

I honestly didn't expect you to respond to my comment. I applaud the level of chivalry that you showed here. Will be looking forwards to the next two parts.

P.S: My player loses around 1-2 per gym battle, but i expect that number to rise as the game goes on.

[Seehan]

Isn't Alice at a disadvantage for gym battles if she continues to carry her Mawile around?

Shouldn't she just store it and work on forming an acceptable team for future gyms?

All children need training wheels until theyre taken away, whether willingly or forcefully................