[CW] Identity

[Felicity]

I wake up slowly but I am not drowsy. I can't feel myself. I can not feel nor sense anything. I do not feel heat nor cold, I can't feel the air on my skin nor can I even feel my body. I cannot feel my heart beat, I cannot feel my breath, my chest rising and falling. I cannot feel anything. Yet I still know, I am still conscious.

I continue to wake, my mind left with nothing to go on begins to construct a reality it can use. Slowly I can feel distant sensations from a far off memory shifting and stirring. Soon a room takes form around me. It is pure white, I cannot recall any other colour. Next I become aware of my limbs. The familiar feeling of my clumsy body returning, A scent fills the room. I do not know what it is but it is a light, sweet smell. It comforts me. I take a few tentative steps forward and I hear my footfalls on the smooth white floor. I walk forward to the edge of the room, stopping just before the wall. A perfect circle of silver, appears, materialising on the wall. I gaze into it, hoping to see my own face reflected back at me.

I cannot see anything but white.

[Felicity]

I continue to look into the endless white reflected in the mirror. Why can't I see myself? This one question breaks a dam within my mind, a flood of questions overwhelm me, drowning me as I am unable to answer any of them. I cannot remember anything about myself. My mind struggles to produce memories, memories that could provide answers. I can feel them, they are a presence in my mind that I cannot touch, no matter how hard I can try.

Now I feel something new yet familiar, just like my senses. I feel frustrated. The emotion courses through my body and I struggle to resist the urge to yell. Then it occurs to me that there is no reason to resist. I scream, raw and painful in my anger and confusion. I stop screaming as my throat starts to burn with the effort, my voice unable to sustain the raw emotion I am trying to express. What was the point when there was no one to listen?

Where am I? Who am I? How did I get here? What is this place? The questions continue to crush me and the inability to answer them makes the frustration feel sharper. It is a dagger sinking into my side. I want relief from this pain but nothing responds to my fervent wish.

I did not have any sense of time in the white room. I do not know how long it was until something happened. It felt like a short eternity. Eventually the voice spoke, deep and reassuring.

"You seek answers" I do not reply. The voice needed none. " Look into the mirrors. Follow the four who felt you. Through others eyes we are seen clearest. Find yourself."

The voice stopped speaking and as it did, three more mirrors appeared on the three other walls, all of them faced the centre of the room where a podium stood, as white as the room around it. I step onto the podium but nothing happens, there is no response. I dismiss it as not important for the moment. My frustration is replaced with hopeful curiosity. I look into the first mirror that appeared once more. Looking back at me is a small child, sitting in a white room much like mine. The child locks eyes with me, they are bright blue, like a summer sky I remember faintly.

Now that I can do something, I am urged to act. I waste no time. I touch the mirror. The surface ripples and I find myself somewhere new, looking down at the child. I am in a hospital, standing beside a nurse. She is preparing food for the baby, murmuring gently to it as it lay in a crib, a pillow supporting it's head gently.

"Who's a good girl? Drink your milk whilst your mama gets better."

The child squeaks and gurgles as it is picked up, eager for the food and oblivious to the words of the nurse. Who is this child?

[Felicity]

After feeding the child some milk, the nurse set the child to sleep along with all her fellow babies in a crib. She was so very gentle with the baby, it was fascinating to see really.

Once she left the room, not commenting at all on my presence, I stepped forward to look at the baby. The crib had a label stuck onto it, the name "Alice McArthur" scrawled onto it in blocky letters, clearly written to make sure even an idiot could read it. The crib itself was simple, made of white plastic and sturdy with a small mobile of planets floating above it.

My eyes settled on the baby, Alice. She was still awake, her curious eyes roved around the room, hungrily taking in her surroundings with an awareness that honestly creeped me out. I didn't know what babies were normally like but I felt like that was just... not normal.

I stood watching her for the rest of the night. She would nod off to sleep periodically, waking up to cry out her need for food and comfort a few times. I knew that this child was the person I was here for, it was the first thing since waking up that I felt I truly knew, without a doubt. I could sense where the small, bright-eyed babe was even when I looked away. But why? Why was I here to watch this child? The voice said I was to "follow the four", so who were the other three? If they were children as well it would make it rather hard to find myself.

Time passed slowly until eventually daybreak came. A different nurse came by this time and picked up the baby Alice, swaddling her in blankets. She walked briskly but carefully towards the door, exiting the nursery without disturbing any of the other children. As she got further away I simply stood there, unsure as to what to do, wearing a blank expression on my face, not that anyone could comment on that. Eventually I snapped out of my strange little daze and followed quickly. I reached for the door handle, gripping it firmly and tugging it to open the door. But it didn't budge at all, not a single, tiny movement.

I began to panic. What would happen to me if I couldn't follow the nurse and Alice? Would I fade?! My heart raced and I found myself wishing desperately for help from someone, anyone. I could feel Alice getting further and further away and I could do nothing. I slumped against the cruelly solid door with a sigh, putting my face into y palms.

Then I was leaning backwards and toppling over to lie on my back. I gasp in sheer surprise at the small impact before seeing the door. Emerging from a wavy ripple in the door was the upper half of my body, my lower half out of sight but still there.I quickly crawled back in panic, dragging my legs through the strange ripple. I was through. Rather than spend time pondering how I had done such an unnerving act, I quickly stood up and raced after the nurse, trying to use signs on the wall and my connection to the girl to pinpoint where she was.

I felt like I was making progress and getting closer to the girl when I turned a corner to see the nurses back entering an elevator. Alice was still with her. I raced clumsily towards the elevator, reaching my arm out to stop the closing doors. I managed to jam my forearm past the door, stopping the door from closing. Or so I thought. The door continued to close despite my arm being in the way. I winced, closing my eyes against what I was expecting to be a lot of pain and blood and a strange absence where my arm was meant to be as the elevator door edges continued to try and sever my limb. There was a light pop but oddly no pain as I expected. Instead. another ripple like earlier. I yanked my arm back with a yelp, holding my arm and checking it was still attached. The ripple disappeared as I did so.

A moment passed before it occurred to me I ought to do something. I gingerly touched the elevator door. No ripple, it was as solid as the nursery door. I dropped my arm, now more puzzled than panicked. I knew I had to get back to Alice but I felt like I needed to know something first. Of course as soon as the thought occurred to me an image appeared in my head. I saw myself reaching towards the doors but oddly I knew I wasn't trying to touch them. My hand passed easily through the door, making the same waves and ripples in the doors surface as before. I understood what the trick was to it all. If I'm not trying to touch it, I pass through it.

I stood a few feet away from the door. I now lifted my arm and took a few steps forward, bringing my extended arm to the door but not with the intention to touch it, like in the vision from before. Ad in just the same way, I passed through it, my arm disappearing up to the elbow. I took a few more steps forward, hoping to get into the elevator.

Instead I found myself plummeting down the shaft, the roof of the elevator trying to flee from me as I descended fast enough to catch up. The stale air whipped past my face as I fell and a wordless scream escaped my mouth. Then I hit the elevator roof. Or, more accurately I passed through it, landing in a tumble inside the now stopped elevator The occupants didn't react at all as they exited the cramped space even though I distinctly felt one of them lift their foot out of my gut. Despite that, I scrambled to my feet an raced after the nurse who had just exited.

Having caught up, I slowed to her pace, catching my breath. Who knew watching a baby could be so tiring? I silently followed the nurse who had no trouble navigating the maze of a floor. Along the way I saw a few signs which indicated this floor was still a part of the maternity ward. Hopefully we were going to see Alice's parents.