Life of a Nutcase (Long Read)

[Bearadactyl]

Eternal nutcase/ Bear Lord here,

Alright, so I'm not entirely sure what provoked this; but I just kind of want to share my life and the things that have happened on the road so far. Just a warning, if you are triggered by abuse, mentions of suicide, and molestation; you should probably not be reading this.

So, for the earlier part of my life, I have actually blocked much of it out. I have glimpses, small bits here and there of the bad things that went on. I was generally a pretty happy kid at the start, things never really went downhill until my parents divorced when I was six. I was in elementary school; starting early I had a major problem with bullies, I was a quiet and reserved kid who liked to keep to himself. Not only did I have student bullies, but later around third grade it extended to teachers.

One teacher in particular decided to single me out; for reasons I still don't get; I would get in trouble for really small and simple things, hell I would mention being bullied and actually wound up getting in trouble a few times because the teacher believed I was provoking it or lying. So, that ultimately started the whole, no one is going to bother to step in so ride it out mentality that I held through much of my life with bullying.

School was the lesser of the evils; I had a hardass step father, who I was never good enough for and still will never be good enough for. He tells me he loves me, and I can say he has been here for me much more than my dead beat father. But, overall... It's always been really weighted, and he's shown clear preference over the other siblings; he used to get loud at times and just go completely off over things involving altercations with his children. One time my family was kicked out entirely and we hade to stay with my aunt for a while.

But, even then, that was still not even close to the worst things to happen. My father married a woman; well, a monster. This woman was the most... Monstrous, evil cretin I have seen to this day. Things ranging from verbal, to phsyical, and mental abuse were things I dealt with during visitation to my father from the age of seven; until I was fourteen. Her children took note, and often gave me a hard time too; they would make up stories, do things intentionally and blame me; to the point of their mother searching my belongings when I left like I was some kind of convict. I was afraid to tell anyone of what was going on, I had been led to believe if I said anything or told anyone anything I would be stripped from my home and placed in foster care. So, that's the gist of the whole ordeal of a large chunk of my life... This woman tore at my self esteem, destroyed any confidence I might have had... I was always the lesser. Everyone was better than me, I would never amount to anything and her precious little daughter would always be my better... Visitng my dad was a complete hell for me up until I started to think about everything and just told my father; I was done. Once I hit fourteen enough was a enough with that ordeal, and ever since my father and I have been barely on speaking terms; we now don't speak at all.

Next... Comes something I've blocked out almost entirely. From ages eight to nine I have virtually no memory of anything. When I would get off of the bus from school, I would walk to my aunt's just up the road and she would watch me and my sister until my mother got off of work... Her husband had a friend, a man that no one thought anything of. He had back issues, and fed the family some bullshit about me helping him get around and walking on it and such during the day... And, not wanting to get in to too much detail and due to lack of memory of most of it; I'll just be blunt and say it went from touching to a lot more. I never told anyone until my mother when I was seventeen. He's currently in the Florida State Prison because he was caught with another young boy, thankfully from what I hear before he was able to really do anything.

Next, comes the middle school years. I really don't even know where to begin here. Middle school was awful. It was when my step mother's abuse was at its worst, the bullying escalated from names and put downs to physical violence. I just... Ignored everything. I began to recede in to a shell, not opening to anyone, I just became very quiet... I took to the habits I had when I was even younger, I always used to play Pokemon when things got bad. I would recede in to my own little world... I was someone who mattered. I had a party of creatures from large to small who loved me no matter what I did. When I would get lost in that world, that was the closest to happy that I was... Of course, it got to a point where when I would visit my father and the monster he was married to would take my game boy... It got bad enough that when I would stay there, I was locked in a room by myself for the entire weekend. No contact with anyone until it was time to eat, the occasional outing to keep up appearances. All I had was myself and a box of toys I had outgrown. It was miserable. It wasn't until the end of my last year in middle school that the bullying was paused, one teacher actually stood up for me; and I'll never forget it.

All through middle school, leading through high school I had become an under achiever. I just... Didn't see a point in trying if I would always be lesser than everyone else. If I wasn't going to succeed at anything, why try? It seemed everything I took a genuine interest in and tried at always went wrong. I just gave up. I had maybe one light in all of it, my best friend. I met him in seventh grade, and he provided a much needed escape. I could be myself with him, and he opened my mind a bit; showed me a perspective I lacked outside of what had been forced down my throat ever since I was little; which would lead to a struggle with faith later on in my life.

Him and I were thick as thieves, we were in to trading cards; had the same taste in music and games; I still talk to him and am very close with him to this day. I can say, things got to the point where I wound up with feelings for him; which caused a very big sturggle with my sexuality an way of thinking. I thought it was just wrong, unnatural. But, here I was, physically attracted to and in love with my best friend of the same gender. It is of coure unrequited, due to his sexuality being a polar opposite of mine; but I let it go. I do love him, I can say that without a doubt; but as long as he's happy, I'm good. Through me he's met the love of his own life, and I'm happy for him.

But, that aside. The older I got, the more sucked in to video games and stories I would get. Role playing, books, every video game you can think of. I used all of it to fill that void in my life, to escape an be someone else. Someone, who just matters. The hero, the one who saved the day. Video games in particular are very responsible for me even being alive today I'd say. Those, and a few friends I've met along the way.

Once high school hit, I really started to struggle. With my sexuality, gender identity, self confidence, faith. Everything just... Screeched to a halt and my eyes were open for the first time.I started to break away from what my mother had molded me in to. I won't say much on my gender identity, because I have made a post about it in the secret forum before; and it's a very sensitive subject. That aside, the struggle with my sexuality was the hardest. I've never been solely attracted to a single gender, as a matter of fact gender has never been a factor for my attraction to be honest. I've always looked at just a general pleasing aesthetically and personality wise. Which, my upbringing was extremely christian so I had it ingrained tha anything from heterosexuality was wrong. What helped with my sexuality was my break away to other religious views... Or, the lack thereof. At this point, I view myself as very secular; for a while I was a militant anti-theist. I blamed religion for a lot of my problems with that "Grrr Teenage Angst" thing. I've grown out of it, due to personal experienced I have a very... Pagan view.

I fought with my mother over religion a lot. I kept my sexuality an extremely guarded secret, actually I still do. Very few people know about it outside of online forums and a few close conifdents. Living in the middle of the bible belt makes you very afraid of coming out for clear reasons. But, back to the religion ordeal. It was bad for me. Bad enough that my mother and step father physically forced me in to a church on multiple occasions; they forced me to talk to various pastors; it got the point to where I threatened suicide to end it; which it worked, mind you the threat was not in vain I was dead serious at the time. I wanted everyone to just leave me alone and let me be who I was, a mentality I still carry and feel should be universal.

I still get hit with passive aggressive attacks over religion, even from my sister at times; even if I love her to death and would utterly destroy someone for her. But, moving a long, I think things hit their worst for the time the year my grandmother died. My grandmother was extremely special to me; I respect the woman more so than any other that I know, she was a very strong person that I looked up to. Stubborn as a mule, she was a woman who never budged and never let anyone push her around. I loved her dealy. I remember at her funeral, I wasa Paul Bearer. I never cried until the moment her casket was put in to the herse. After that... I just completely fell apart, I wasn't able to lower her to her grave; I just couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. I cried for days after... I still cry over her. I miss her.

But, my grades fell, I started failing classes... The only class I managed to keep up was choir. The choir director was such an inspiration. She cared so much for her students, she was always there for us. She's one of many phenomenal women in my life. My choir grade fell for a small dip, but she helped me pull out of it for her class at least... I remember, I tried out for a solo, but the audition was a failure because of a disruption. I cried over it. And, she gave me the solo, I remember it was because she said I was the most ready out of the entire student body because I was so emotionally invested in it. She was like a second mother to me... And, now, with the state of everything... The few times I've seen her I've hidden. I can't bring myself to face her... I feel like I'm such a failure... That if she knew where I was now, she would be so ashamed. I can't bare the thought of letting her down... I've let so many others down, I refuse to let her down.

High school was... It was an interesting time for me. The bullying picked up again, which weighed in on my growing depression and lack of self confidence... It only stopped when one day, after my grandmother had died I snapped. I just... I blacked out, I remember when I came to there was another student on the ground unconscious; I was suspsended for two weeks. I think that was the pique of... An intense anger I've held my entire life, probably spurred on by everything that has happened. My emotional outlet has been primarily anger. Anger, that if I let build, it just... I feel like it's ripping me apart inside.

In high school, I had a number of love interests. Girlfriends, a boyfriend I kept hidden. One in particular had a huge impact. Her and I were in a three year relationship; we had been with each other through quite a bit going on in each of our lives. Then, came graduation. One of my biggest regrets. That night, she left with her mother to California. I had the option to go with them. I could have left everything behind; started new. But.. I said no. Stupid, stupid decision. I wanted to give my dad a chance... To live with him for a little while, take a break from school and everything; but that fell through due to his new wife being just as monstrous as the previous. I came home after a month. I couldn't handle the stress. So, that was all for nothing...

I was out of school for two years... Met another person, the love of my life. They and I were just... We clicked, everything about the relationship was wonderful. But, things as usual fell apart... Secrets on their part came to light, and everything began to fall apart... I tried to hang on to the sinking ship, but it was inevitable. It was such a hamper on my mental state. I hit another severe depression and just... Lost hope, I'm still climbing out of that depression... I invested so much in to them. So much in to everything that happened, all for nothing again.

During this time a whole new series of evetns began to unfold. I still hadn't gone to college, and am constantly pressured to go. The problem being, I don't know what I want to do. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and haven't had one for a very long time. I got a job that wasn't half bad at first, which then of course as everything else in my life it got progressively more stressful. I still have the job out of necessity, and still hate it, but things for now are better than they were... So, where I am now, after everything is... Well, I have a dead end job with no future in sight... I want to try doing something with Youtube as you are all aware, because video games are such a major part of my life... If I could somehow make a living off of something I love so much, it might actually bring me a lot of happiness that I've never had.

Over the passed few years I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder, Binge Eating Disorder; essentially I'm an emotional eater who loses all control while eating copious amounts of food, to the point of making myself ill at times. I have no physical control and while binging am aware of that lack of control. Lately, I haven't binged in a few months, the most progress I have ever made.

I know things here are simple, but I didn't see the point in giving a full every detail seminar about my life. Everything I have ever attempted, every endeavor and interest; has somehow inevitably gone down hill. That isn't the depression speaking, that's just my turn of luck. I still get put down a lot, I still hide parts of my even from my dearest friends, I'm an anxious mess... I'm always depressed... And, right now I just don't know what to do. That's, pretty much the gist of my life and everything that's gone down; the road so far has been filled with bumps and holes... And, now, I don't even see a road ahead. Just a large drop off. I don't know if I should leap, turn off for a new path, or what. I am in this state of just "I don't know."

I have zero motivation, zero ideas, and I'm so drained. I'm so tired of everything. I could just sleep every day away. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, some days I struggle with the idea of just living another day. I am surprised I'm still here. And, if not for one particular friend last night, I might not have been. Every day she thanks me for making it through... Every day she thanks me for my friendship, and the funny part is; I don't even know if I'm all that good of a friend or person. I try to do good, and I try to help others as much as possible; but sometimes I feel I either don't make a difference or get anywhere.

But, that's the story so far; and if you've made it to the end, thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate that anyone would be interested in this post, or the wreck of my life in general.

[Shing]

It's a wrecking hard life you had. And still is now you have the hard times.

I got really interested with this post, and honestly you are a brave person.

You have gone through this problem, and you haven't taking suicide. For me that's something brave there.

I can't help you in real life, but i want to say that you have taking a lot of strong damage and i wish a lot to help you in real life.

Some of the problems can be relateable for me, so i understand completely.

I only hope that the story don't end bad Nutcase. For now thank your friend from me supporting you.

It was a good read, thank you for making this post nutcase.

[Abyssreaper99]

Life in general can be a wreck at times. You go through your good phases and bad phases but everyone gets different amounts of each. As Shing said, you're a brave person. You must have a strong willpower considering you survived a lot of crap. Trust me, everyone has an impact on someone in a good way. The fact that you haven't committed suicide despite your thoughts urging you to is a great decision as there's still opportunities in life to improve your life, finding the right person, etc.

Just be yourself, don't give in to pressure to do something you don't need/want to and be comfortable with who you are as a person. Life gives you a pack of cards, how you deal with the pack of cards is the way you will progress, not what cards you have. All you need to do is take one step at a time and you'll be fine in life as the future is uncertain whilst what matters is the present, what you do now is something that can be determined and predicted by yourself. Stay strong and thanks for making the post.

[Maelstrom]

Someone on the forums once said that people seem to think that changing from a theist to an atheist or agnostic seem to think they deserve a medal. And I responded that yeah, it takes something more that ordinary to break away from that brainwashing, that conditioning, and explore reality with an open mind. More or less anyways. It takes something else to look at what someone has always told you was on way, and then figure out that there's a possibility for it to be another way. You were raised by people who said you had to be this, do this, act this way. And at certain points in your life you realized that this wasn't the only way, that maybe it wasn't even the right way. That's a hell of a big deal. I applaud you for that, I really do.

Zero motivation, zero ideas, and completely drained? sounds like me, at both the end of my time at the university and at the end of my time with the army. Finding that thing that fits you as a career, as far as ability, aptitude, and demand? There may be no such thing. Religion might tell you that any drawbacks are intentional, part and parcel of some grand scheme. I don't think so. If there's something you want, you have to put up with what it takes to get there. Maybe more school, maybe less pay, maybe any number of other things. Don't expect perfection. Only you can determine whether you can balance what you want with what you need... and what is right.

Most people don't settle for what they want. They settle for what they can get. Ideals are fine and all. They mean something to me. But they aren't shared by everybody. And that's the kicker.

[laggless01]

That's...a lot.
Thanks for sharing, this reminds me that I should be more grateful for my parents.
(Feel free to negate the 'advice' below, you might not long for that, nor is it accustomed to your specific situation.
If you're out of ideas or without motivation, maybe you could ask your friend if she has an idea of something to do? Doesn't have to be something big, maybe even best something small. Perhaps you find something that sparkles your interest. Or you could try to pick up choir or something related in some sense?)

Nevertheless, thanks for making it through another day, man. I hope things eventually turn out well for you.

[Peepeepoopoo]

Never regret your decisions. You really have no idea how happier you'd be if you changed your decision yo go with the girl, so there is no use regretting it.