This is me venting. It's not interesting.

[Juniper]

So, this is me venting.

I wanted to put it in a place where it wouldn't bother people but that had enough space for me to type all I need to say and so that I can know that somewhere, my thoughts are written (or typed) and solid as opposed to another long depressing train of thought that leads to an inevitable headache.

This should be something you can read if you're particularly bored and I'll try not to make it too dreary.

So, I'm tired. Right now, I'm exhausted just as I have been for the past 2 weeks and basically all summer. When there's school, it's fine, it takes my mind of things, I don't have time to think but Summer is lonely and I overthink things and I worry about things and I stay up too late unable to sleep and that lack of sleep causes mood swings and emotional weakness, yada-yada, nothing you haven't heard before. Perhaps some people won't understand or relate to this and think it's simply a matter of putting away the damn computer and sleeping. It's not really.

I think about my life and all the things I did wrong that caused me problems and I think of why I did them and I think of who's to blame for them and it's mostly me. But anyway, a big one is the future. I worry about providing for myself and finding a job and a place to live and paying bills and menial boring crap like that and I worry about it because I am an inconsistent person. What I mean by that is I change my mind all too often, I change moods quickly, it can be frustrating for other people. I don't expect that it'll be easy to maintain a job or a relationship or school or bills with my kind of mindset. I'll lose interest in it eventually. The difference being that losing interest in things now is just depressing whereas in the future, it could be life-altering to the point I might really harm myself. I think about it from time to time but I know it's just me being negative and I know that I'll be happy again in a while. Heck, I'll probably be fine tomorrow when I wake up. but it won't last. before I know it, I'll be like this again.

I have friends because I don't tell them these things, I don't let on that anything is wrong, I just act cool and all. And I buy into it and enjoy myself when I'm with them. when I have company I'm conscious of myself and my surroundings but when I'm alone I sort of day-dream a little and get lost in my thoughts and it often causes me to end up like I feel now.

I hate that I'm such an insecure person that I actually need to write this out to feel better. I don't feel in control of my emotions and I feel like a stupid kid and I just want to grow the fuck up and leave all this self-doubt behind.

It doesn't help that I have very important exams next year. there's literally no way I'm gonna be able to study if I feel like this.Speaking of which, I don't think I have yet described precisely how I feel. Basically, I feel useless. like I can't do anything of any benefit to anyone. I'm just a no-good hindrance. I know it's not true. I have a multitude of talents but I feel like I'm worthless. I just want everyone to forget I ever existed. Yet here I am, making a big deal of it. Pathetic. This is ridiculously immature of me.

I get bothered and agitated too easily. The smallest things will piss me off. Like someone forgetting to reply to a message I sent or someone misunderstanding something I'm doing and getting in the way. Occasionally, I'm calm and collected about it but then sometimes I just want to kill someone.Not literally. Then I'd have to feel guilty about their family and all.

It pisses me off that some people (myself included) can be so goddamn care-free and not consider how other people feel about things. It annoys me that nobody really understands me (once again, myself included) and nobody cares enough to try. I wish I had some kind of machine that would just tell me how I should feel in certain situations because I'm sick of having to think about emotions. It's a worthless waste of my time and a pointless exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I have lost the motivation to do that. earlier in the summer, I was motivated. I think it was actually because of an anime I watched. Anyway, I went for runs and practiced my kickboxing and basketball but now, I have no motivation at all. Very occasionally, I'll get pissed off and go and punch the crap out of something before realising that I have no stamina anymore and I can't bloody breathe. I guess that'll get better once school starts up again because of physical education class.

Writing all this garbage actually made me feel a lot better. There's quite a lot more on my mind but I'll save it. I have a head ache.

If anybody actually read all of this, congratulations. you now have an idea of how I feel.

It might be unimpressive but I struggle with this, despite its simplicity. If you harbor any degree of dislike towards me for posting this, save it. I don't want to hear it right now.

[SnowGlaceon]

It would have been okay to put this in the trainers journal, but whatevs.

Warning: Incoming rambling

I... Actually do know how you feel. We're pretty similar actually. To start, I'm blessed/cursed with a pretty vivid memory. I remember every mistake I've made, every thing I wish I could change. I think we're all like that. We all have things we wish to forget, things we want to redo, but unfortunately the laws of time currently don't allow for that. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. In a way, it's good to mess up, so that you remember not to make that mistake again.

Ah, inconsistency. I feel you man. I switch personalities pretty often. One moment I'm super excited, the next, I'm irritated. Usually it depends on the situation. It's just who you are, not much you can do about it. But it makes you interesting. It makes you different than everyone else. Indecision is a pain too. Honestly, I don't really know how to solve this. I struggle too. You say you're worried about your relationships with people, but let me ask you a question. Are you around the right people? Some people won't understand, some are just detrimental on every level. Being around them for too long will hurt you, and will make you doubt yourself. You should find someone you trust to tell them all this. Someone you know can and will help you.

The future is unknown to us. We have no idea what's coming our way. Trust me when I say that I have spent days reflecting on this. Take the world on one day at a time. That's all you really can do.

Exams are.. Ugh. Start studying early. Really early.

I don't think I have yet described precisely how I feel. Basically, I feel useless. like I can't do anything of any benefit to anyone. I'm just a no-good hindrance. I know it's not true. I have a multitude of talents but I feel like I'm worthless. I just want everyone to forget I ever existed. Yet here I am, making a big deal of it. Pathetic. This is ridiculously immature of me.

In this paragraph, you have basically described my life for the past 7 years. Which is bad, because I'm pretty young. No one is useless. It's simply impossible for someone to be useless. Don't even think about calling yourself useless, a burden, or anything like that because you KNOW It's not true. If no one cared about you, if everyone chose to forget, you would be in a much worse situation. If you, God forbid, died right now, people would be devastated. The world would miss out on something.

It pisses me off that some people (myself included) can be so goddamn care-free and not consider how other people feel about things. It annoys me that nobody really understands me (once again, myself included) and nobody cares enough to try. I wish I had some kind of machine that would just tell me how I should feel in certain situations because I'm sick of having to think about emotions. It's a worthless waste of my time and a pointless exercise.

Writing all this garbage actually made me feel a lot better. There's quite a lot more on my mind but I'll save it. I have a head ache.

If anybody actually read all of this, congratulations. you now have an idea of how I feel.

It might be unimpressive but I struggle with this, despite its simplicity. If you harbor any degree of dislike towards me for posting this, save it. I don't want to hear it right now.

Once again, you managed to describe my life for the past 7 years. You cannot control your emotions. You can't. It just doesn't happen. You can hide them, hold them in, suppress them, cloak them, but that just makes things worse. Holding things internally builds up and makes you feel depressed and confused. That's why it's good to rant sometimes, like now. You can't decide how you should feel, but what you can decide is what you choose to do in whatever situation you're in.

This is coming from someone who spends literally every moment of his life thinking about stuff. I never stop thinking. I think about this all the time. When asked 'What's your personality' or 'What are you're greatest Traits' I can never give a clear answer. I don't know what my personality is. I don't know who I am. I don't know what my greatest traits are, and quite often I don't believe I have any. I seemingly fit in everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. When I think about it, my head hurts, my thoughts are jumbled, and I stay up late, all night even. Thoughts about my past haunt me, my future scares me, and myself is the worst of all. I don't know all the answers to your problems. I can't help you much, and I'm sorry for that. But I can relate to you. I know exactly what you're feeling. I'd like to help. That's one thing I can say about myself, I want to help everyone. Be there for people, because I know what it's like when no one is. It makes me feel useful when I help people. Maybe you're the same way? You're entertaining, that's for sure. There you go, +1 skill!

So hold your head up. You're the only you, and that's what makes you interesting. If you ever need to talk/rant to someone, I'm always available, and would be happy to talk. Everyone on the forums is like that. That's just the way it is here. So relax bro, we got you.

[KingRyan]

Hey bruh, let me lay down some knowledge, wisdom, and caring.

You are not alone, in fact i have seen and heard far too many of you, but that may seem like me stereotyping. Well, Emotions are emotions, we are all 'snowflakes' (no pun intended snow) and we are all entitled to feelings, as they were the first methods of interpreting the universe and reality. You should listen to them, and journal a lot. If you're anything like myself, (which you do seem to be) take a journal. Don't keep this in your head. Get it out, analyze it, and solve the problem. Find the route of the problem, root it out, analyze, extrapolate on options and plans, think about what you want and go for your goal. And if you're anything like me, your goals/dreams cannot be achieved here on this mortal plain. So reach out, and help someone. Maybe karma or whatever other cosmic force out there, be it God, or Budha, or Allah will reach out.

and also, You are a F***in human. You are flesh, bone, and sin. Religious or not, you will fuck up several times in your life. Its just how humans work. Life will constantly try to kick you down, and keep you there, but one of the many miracles humans can preform is the act of resilience. We have the intelligence and will power to keep going, as opposed to just lie down and take it. We all serve a purpose, but a lot of us just haven't found it. So lend a hand, like i said, maybe someone or something else will come along and give you one.

also, everybody cares about the future. "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present." - Master Ooguay. Live life to the fullest, or as they say, y.o.l.o. See the goodness this (arguably pitiful, but don't mind me. I have seen too much anyway.) world has to offer, feel the sunlight on your skin, see the roses, hear the birds and smell the cinnabon baking in the house over. Let your senses take you to enjoy what this world has to offer while you are still here. Of course, we can plan and think about what is to come, but no one has yet been able to touch the future. We can hope, and plan, and plot, but there are things we just can't control, So focus on what you can control. "I don't wanna die starving, I wanna die full." - Gabriel Iglesias. It is this statement from one of my favourite comedians that has taught me to live well, live happy, and to die full of chocolate cake. Life life to the fullest every day. indulge your senses. Feel the universe in motion around you. Another one of my favourite quotes, that honestly explains why eating makes us feel better is "Happy belly, happy life." - Lorewalker Cho.

and we all have our methods, and i am guilty of this too. It is a 'rescue protocol' your brain has developed in an attempt to save you from depression and sadness. It is a method of reaching out while still berating yourself. But know this, social activity it the #1 thing that makes people happy in this world. and #5 is helping other people, further reinforcing my previous argument. Even then by posting this, we (snow, myself, and any others that post) see the value in you, and care enough to come to your aid. We all get lost in the dark. But thats why people like me and snow try to be strong, to lift you into the light.

In regards to your 'machine' comment, tell me what is the difference currently between siri and a human? Besides the obvious logical differences. You were made human to feel and have emotions. As i said before emotions is one of the ways gifted to you to interpret the universe, not just by your 5 senses. We might as well be programmed robots to serve as the string of wealth moves around the world, but regardless of our class, race, locations or time zone, we much cherish life, for it was gifted to us, to enjoy and savour.

So as long as you have your life, regardless of who you are, what you do, what your skin color is or how much you can bench, enjoy life for what it gave you. Seek out fun while you can, and just as kiki has taught us, put the important things first, friends, family, loved ones, and life goals. then the day to day things. Living, working, making new friends, working out, etc second. Then put in the water, the menial things, like driving, or thinking about things like.....i don't even know. things that don't matter.

So, if you read this, know, that i love you, as a bruh (no homo) and that i know you were given life for a reason: To live it. By my religion, God gave you life, it is what you do with it that is your gift in return. Make a difference for someone. Because when you go, it will be what you did and who you were, not what you had that people will remember you for.

Love and Hugs

King Ryan :3

[SkyRunner]

...We're pretty similar as well.

I have total recall. I don't forget those stupid mistakes, whether it's a question I messed up on a test, an embarrassing moment in front of a friend or something more serious, like making friends with a person you wish that you could un-meet for the sake of your sanity. I've tried to learn as much as I could from the last kind of situation so that I don't go through the same pain. I like to think that everything I've been through has made me kinder.

Mood swings. Yeah, I get that. A friend of mine told me that they never knew how I'd be when they saw me. One day, I might be skipping down the road in happiness. The next, I'd be holding back my tears, hoping that none of my friends would notice. It's not even a day to day thing, it changes by the hour, the very minute, maybe mere seconds. They always do notice when I'm upset though.

I suppose that this counts as at least one way in which we're different. I've never been good at hiding my feelings from people once they know my tells. My brain's wired differently, so it takes people a good amount of time to figure out my expressions, but as soon as they do, I'm transparent. It's probably because I didn't need to disguise them, nobody else cared anyway.

But you can find friends who stick around during the rough patches. My current friends are good ones. They've been there for me in my worst moments and they've been around to see my best. They're there when I want to hang out, and there when I need to talk to someone. That's what friendship is. I even like someone who reciprocates those feelings, although how that progresses is something that only time can tell.

You're not a stupid kid. You're human, and your concerns are valid. You're not useless, you're not a hindrance, you're not worthless. Nobody is. If no one in real life cared, I'm sure that I speak for everyone here when I say that someone would, even if it's just an online friend. And if you died, someone would care. Someone would definitely care.

Don't hold it all in, Juu. It'll only hurt you in the long run.

I can't give you advice. All I can do is relate to what you're going through, and I'm sorry for that. I would like to help, I really would, I love helping people, but sometimes all you need is a person to rant to and not judge, and that I can do. If you ever need to talk, I'm always ready to listen whenever I can.

Thank you for venting to us.

[mde2001]

I agree with the above sentiments. You need to let these things out as keeping it in will not help you in the long run.

Hopefully you'll find the support you need to continue and have a great life!

[Shing]

Short and simple since i may not have all time for writing long.

I have the similar thing like you, worring with a job, mood get's quickly changed.

A lot more, still does for my age.

For now, i don't exactly what to end, but i hope you can get the support.

[Juniper]

I don't have a huge amount of time before leaving and being in a car for 5 hours so I might forget something but first of all,

Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

And thanks for offering me help.

I'm okay right now but,

I'll keep it in mind if I need to talk to someone in the future

Now for individual things!

Snow: I actually read that last night but I fell asleep so I didn't reply, sorry x_x

But, it made me smile. wooh, I have a skill!

King Ryan: I hadn't considered some of what you said,

it's actually given me some stuff to think about in relation to just enjoying my life

Can't hurt to try right?

Also, kung-fu panda quotes ftw!

PBX5: I remember when I found my cat dead when I was younger.. losing pets sure isn't fun.

But, yes, I think I can trust you guys

Sky: You did help. You helped make me feel that someone cares.

I'll try not to bottle up my feelings in the future

Mde and shing: (Sorry for putting you both in the same one)

Thank you for your concern, I hope I get the support too

In general again, I'm glad that people relate to how I feel (maybe not glad, that sounds awful..)

ok more like, it's nice to know that people can understand how i feel!

yes,

That sounded nicer.

So, thank you all again for caring.

You guys are the best.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Juuzou

[Shing]

Mde and shing: (Sorry for putting you both in the same one)

Thank you for your concern, I hope I get the support too

In general again, I'm glad that people relate to how I feel (maybe not glad, that sounds awful..)

ok more like, it's nice to know that people can understand how i feel!

yes,

That sounded nicer.

So, thank you all again for caring.

You guys are the best.

It's alright man, i didn't honestly say a lot compared to the other guys above me so it's fair.

Anyway, the relate thing can be good or bad how you would say because then we have some commen things and know how it feels.

You're welcome, it have been depressed around here a bit so i try and help people as much i can.

[KingRyan]

oh yeah, i just remembered something i forgot to mention yesterday. Its about the 'care-free' people of this world. I had once come to that realization too, seeing how too many people just don't give a duck. Or so i thought. As i have grown older (mind you, all this has occurred within a 2-3 year span) I had still set my righteous goals in stone, but as i grew i became more relaxed and nonchalant about it. Yes, some people are apathetic assholes who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. it is those sorts of people that need to loose an arm or a leg or both to see what they are doing wrong. Luckily nobody here (except for fern) really is like that. Otherwise we'd be completely repulsed by the motifs of this glorious game.

There is a scale of caring that needs to be applied to people. Like i said, the worst kind are the apathetic nob eaters who could go die in a fire for all i care. They are the worst of the worst and need to open their eyes.

Next up we have the couldn't be bothered people. they do the bare bones minimum and do only care about themselves, but will take orders from someone they do care about. (Perfect example of this is my stubborn 16 year old ginger brother. He takes orders from my parents, but does dick all for anybody else.)

Next up we have the aware people, like myself. I realize the problems of this world, but for whatever reason, be it lack of connection, or time consuming responsibility prevents us from doing the important things that we want to for other people.

Next up is the people that actually can and do go out and fix the problems of the world. This is what I am waiting to become as i wait for uni. These are the people that seek out and fix the problems of this world, be it big or small. Literally, anywhere from curing a disease to helping at a soup kitchen or helping a pan handler provide to developing the infrastructure of your neighbourhood. It is the fact that you solve problems, contribute to society as a whole and care about what you do and how it effects people. It is the fact that you are willing, and that you can actually help people, and choose to do so. That is called being a good person.

Which leads me to my next quote "We are more easily set into infamy, than we are remembered for our acts of kindness." - ???. We, as humans, are far more eager (be it a subconscious action, or purposeful targeting) to point out someone else's faults rather than our own. It is a defence mechanism called deflection, otherwise known as shifting the blame, and then the responsibility off of yourself due to either fear and or laziness. Which is why our minds can see all the negativity in this world and bring it to light so much more easily than be appreciative and thankful for the goodness that lies hidden in that catastrophic landscape.

This is why, (put in destiny terms) that out there in the darkness of the world, we must all shine bright to create a better tomorrow, one free from tyranny, destruction, intolerance, and apathy.

stay strong my friend. You are nearly out of the woods.

Edited August 25, 2015 by KingRyan