Death in the family - how to deal with it?

[Cepheus]

As you may get it from the title... I had a death in the family just now...

(and I'm writing this to get myself distracted while dealing with it)

My mother died yesterday, after two weeks in hospital, to an aggressive lung-cancer tumor. (according to the doctors it was one of the most aggressive ones they've seen)

The tumor was developing for quiet some time before without noticing, but my mother was fine all the time until she had circularity collapse all of a sudden two weeks ago.

So she was sent to hospital and got diagnosed with the tumor... so she stayed, and the doctors tried to fight the tumor until they saw how aggressive it was, my mothers condition got worse from day to day, and preparaed for operation.

On Saturday, the day before her OP I visited her, and it pained me to see her like this, all week and damaged with all those tubes allowing her to breathe and pumping medication into her.

When I had to leave, I hugged her and said: "Don't worry, everything be alright, I'll see you monday after you recoverd from your OP. Bye mom, I love you."

I left the hospital and went to my car... at that point I was scared shitless that she'd die and had small break down in my car.

On Sunday I hoped and prayed... and in the evening I got a call from my Dad telling me:

"OP went well, your Mom is still though. Look, your brother and I can't visit her in morning due to work. can you go see her in the morning, so that someone is there for her?"

"Sure, I wanted to see her anyways in the afternoon." - I answered.

The day went by, I was happy that everything went well and I went to sleep peacefully...

In the morning, I got up extra early, went showering and had my breakfast and was getting ready to drive to the hospital when my Dad called me again:

"Hey boy..."

I interrupted him "I didn't forget, I was just getting ready to drive over to Mom."

Then he continued: "yeah... about that... you don't have to drive to the hospital... your mother died a few hours ago..."

I slumped into my chair and was all like "No... your kidding right? This can't... NO!"

"I know it's hard, but please stay strong... she didn't have to suffer... though the OP was a success, the damage had been done. She died peacefully in her sleep. When you feel like it, you can come over..."

We hung up... and I broke down for real...

I cried, and screamed and punched all the things... for like an hour straight.

I was just devestated...

In the middle of it I even woke up my flatmate, he came to my all sleepy... "Dude... what's wrong?"

"Everything... Everything is fucking wrong! ... My... my mom just died..."

After all that I drove 'home' to my dad and brother...

As I pulled into the parking spots my dad just came out of the house, with the ID cards and all that from my mother in hand... he told me he was on his way to the mortician, to get everything arranged, and that my moms sisters are on their way here.

At this point the small faint of hope, that everything is just a bad dream, was crushed...

I entered the house and my brother was laying on his bed just staring at the empty wall... we greeted each other only with a quiet "hey..." because we both knew that getting all emotional now wouldn't make things better.

Then when my moms sisters arrived... it was the longest and most depressed hour of my life...

It was just cruel to see her whole family in one room, being so devestated... and they had to talk about how things continue, like the funeral and all...

It was the worst thing I ever experienced...

After a few hours they left again... and so did I... I went back to my own home, my flatmate was at work, so I was all alone at this point...

all alone to reflect on all those times with my mom, which will never occur again...

like she always annoyed me and my brother with the question: "When will I finally get grand-children? I want to buy all those cute little things again"

and we always jokingly answered: "ewww... kids! I'll never have kids, they are just so annyoing! I couldn't handle that!"

It was always a joke... and I never wanted it to be reality... but now one of her greatest wish will never be true...

Because of all those little things... I feel horrible, I feel like I failed her as her son...

I can never make things up to her again...

This feeling of emptyness, when you know that a person which you always could count on... is just gone...

When I was home and saw our couch, where she always laid, was empty, and I knew she would never be there again...

And now all I do is trying to distract myself with all kinds of stuff to keep my mind occupied to not think about these things...

I just don't know what to do now...

[TimTim]

I am sorry to hear that, my condolences~She wouldn't think that, i am not a parent, but i am sure that every parents are proud of their children no matter what, sincerely hope that time will heal your pain~

[Drayker]

Hey dude. I don't know you, and I don't pretend that I have a miraculous solution for you (we don't even speak the same language !), but here's some advice that might help you (at least I hope so).

I had a death in my family a few months ago, and at first i felt a bit like you : lost, devastated, trying not to think too much by keeping myself busy.

First thing is, I can assure you that time WILL help. A lot. You may feel broken as of now, but you will realize how time heals everything - or at least, makes every wound less painful.

When I was in your situation, i was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get over it, that I will stay lost and depressed forever. It felt like my life ended there. But as the weeks went by, I started realizing that, as harsh as it can be, life goes on with or without you, and that not trying to live it at its fullest was meaningless.

Second thing you need to understand RIGHT NOW is that you didn't fail your mom as a son. I don't know how old you are, but not giving her grandchildren is not failing her. She left too early ; you have no reason to feel guilty. The sooner you will get that, the better you'll feel.

Third thing you need to understand is that you have the right to feel broken. You have the right to feel empty, and a lot of stuff will make you remember her. That's perfecly normal, but there again, this feel will slowly disappear over time. Keeping yourself busy is a good way to avoid this feeling of emptyness, but it won't help you get over it ; one day, you will have to accept this feeling and accept your loss.

Finally, keep in mind that you are not alone. You have your brother, your dad, your aunts. Nobody on this forum will understand you better than them ; do not hesitate to talk to them about your feelings.

Last thing I discovered when enduring my loss was that even if you feel weak as shit, trying hard to appear strong to the others will help a lot. You may be broken inside, but staying strong on the outside will make them your loved ones feel better - and therefore, will make you feel better. That's kind of a life hack actually, I don't know if it will work for you, at least it did for me.

Edited October 7, 2015 by Drayker

[Darvan Korematsu]

Honestly man, this is a hard one for everyone. Everyone's always different in terms of coping with the death of a loved one, also depending on who it was and how you felt about them, and maybe how they died, etc.

I could sugarcoat it, but death is not something you can exactly mask the rot over.

You are smart right now, distracting yourself with other things. It will shelf away the grief you possess for the right moments, until you can appropriately express it (like at the funeral) because harshly negative feelings (e.g - depression) can cloud your true judgment on certain things, and you could end up dragging yourself down.

Like Drayker says, your family and maybe friends are your best chance at solace, because we are merely strangers on the net, although we at least care enough to express our opinions on how to advise you in the waters you tread.

Learning to accept the inevitable is the best way for you to come to terms with this in due time, because everyone dies at one point, and suffering is merely part of the great treasure of human existence.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I do hope you can rationally come to terms with what has come. Steel yourself, like Drayker says, because wallowing in pity only worsens the feeling. You'll eventually move on in due time, because it's all life man.

[Tomas Elliot]

I really don't know what to say about this kind of stuff because, my best friend's illness nonwithstanding (and even then, it should still be a long way before it gets to the point of no return, so I'll deal with that when the time comes), my experience in this field is quite limited. The only death in the family I have ever experienced was my gandmother, who died of old age at 98, so... Yeah, that wasn't really shocking or traumatic. Nothing that can seriously compare to what you are going through right now.

So yeah, I wish I could do more than posting a rather shallow message of condolences on a forum but... Yeah, I'm sorry. I have no words of wisdom for you, I am afraid.

[Omega_Ra1der]

Well, I can't help you on this topic despite having 3 deaths in my overall family during my lifetime due for not knowing not much. But I give my regards and hopes of you bouncing back.

[Dark Desire]

sorry about your mother, it must be hard to deal with the death of a parent, unfortunately there's no absolute answer to your question

just remember that you'll pull through this, you won't feel worse then how you feel now unless you don't allow yourself to move on, everything will get better in time

[Blanchette]

My condolences, it's always tough when someone close to you goes away permanently.

I remember how surreal it feels when you have to go through life without them even though they have been with you forever.

I agree with Drayker, time helps so much with coping; another thing I have to say is that you should try not to bottle it up when you have the chance, or try to distance yourself from your emotions during this time.

Sharing past memories of my loved one helped me a lot. Maybe you could try that too?

Just have a little chat with your Dad after everything is over, how your Mom was like when she was younger, how she met and things like that.

Please do not feel bad or inadequate about yourself because of regrets.

Also, be sure to smile after this storm because your Mom would've wanted you to be happy

[Froiky]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Around six years ago I also lost my mom. I remember the day she left I was basically a zombie. I didn't know what to do or say. I just checked out. For weeks after I would have people saying how sorry they were for my loss. Each time someone said that I felt worse, reopening a wound I was trying to ignore. It's been six years or so and, while looking back carefully I will still cry about it, I feel much better, looking to the present and future rather than the past. Everyone says that time will heal your wound, but only if you have support. The reason I got through it was due to my family and friends. Those people telling you that their sorry and that it'll be better, they're looking out for you. They want to help you and pushing them away will only hurt more. In my experience it was my dad that helped the most. He was devastated and we all had to heal together. Without my mother my dad and I grew closer. We eventually healed, but only with each other's help. Time may heal, but so does family.

I hope my experience and words help you in your time of grief.