I think I'm doing something wrong...

[Felicity]

Hello one, hello all. Here in lies the tale of one poor boy, new to romance (and still new by all counts) whom failed to handle a situation well and so left another with some pretty drastic consequences.

Really this topic is me sharing my love life, as short a span as it has had. Why? When you 'say' something aloud it becomes a lot more real and I need to face some things.

So, allow me to regale you with my first "romance". Truthfully, it was an example of how a blundering nitwit can seriously hurt someone and hopefully a fable to anyone else to not do what I did.

One day I was sitting, internetting merrily like the good nerd I am, when one day I receive a message over the book of faces. This message comes from a girl I was an acquaintance with at the time, I can't say we were anywhere near friends at the time as she was a quiet girl and I could probably count the amount of sentences she had said to me on one hand.

A conversation is born and we begin talking, fairly easily which is a surprise because at the time I was nowhere near as eloquent as I am now (which truly says how bad I was at the time). The conversation approaches more sensitive topics, like love lives and she divulges she has someone she likes. This is still one conversation, I should note. Being the nosy bastard I am, I begin to pester her who it was. It took a while but eventually she came out with saying she liked me.

I don't know about you but this possibility had never even occurred to me, someone thinking of me in a romantic light. I was shocked and off balance. I end the conversation, saying we ought to talk in person. It's naturally too intimate a conversation to have over a book of faces.

So, the next day comes around and at this point, I was dreading the conversation with what felt like butterflies in my cranium. Here is the crucially terrible thing I did. I rejected her.

"That isn't bad though, it's your prerogative to say no, right?" You may be saying. And you're right, this exact point comes into play in my second story. No, the fault lies in the How of what I did. A mumbling, awkward, utterly ridiculous rejection that is essentially the fear of so many crushing people. I sent her away without even a proper reason as to why I said no. Something stupid along the lines of "I'm not ready" when that was clearly not the issue. For reference, the reasons I said no were incredibly basic. The poor girl wasn't attractive and I know was insecure about that. One of the biggest regrets I have is that I think I may have reinforced that feeling.

So, how is she now you ask? Well, recently I found out that at the end of that school year, this whole debacle happening 3/4 of the any through the year, she came ut of the closet as a lesbian. No, I'm not so narcissistic enough to say I caused that. the issue is that I may have pushed her away just a little with my farce and if I did and she ends up not being happy then I kinda bear some responsibility in that. Plus, I'm no paragon of gender equality, that manly pride does sting a little, as ridiculou as the notion is.

My second story is that of my own rejection and my failure to truly accept it. fast forward a year and now I'm crushing on another girl. I'm not completely infatuated, she was just so much more interesting and substantial than any of the other women in my life. So, after about a month of agonising over "Do or don't" I ask her out. It was not the bravest action, once more over the book of faces, and the next day she does the exact same as I did to the previous girl. Karma, right? The key differences is that she didn't mumble and she gave me one reason, she fancied another guy.

The reflection between both situations don't miss me but I take that as a cue. Take the blow to my pride in stride. At least I had the courage to ask somehow rather than stew in my own mind for however long. I wouldn't let this hurt me and I would damn well be satisfied with this spot in the friendzone. I'd bring a cushion for the stay. I liked and respected her enough to respect her wished and not bring it up again.

For a time, this is what happened. We saw each other about but didn't really talk. A comfortable distance for both of us as we forgot what happened. Easy. Until mid may, when exams began. She began to have a real hard time dealing with life. Because of the affection I still inevitably held for her, however subdued it may have been, I started talking to her and reassuring her as best I could. We really got to know each other a lot more. She actually started calling me bro. And throughout this, despite desperately not wanting it, I started to like her again, embers sparking back to life the old flame with a fiercer intensity than before.

This has been the situation for the past 5 months. I cannot bring it up because I want to respect her decision to respect me nor do I want to distance myself, I care too much to do that. Now I'm trying to put that burnt old torch to rest, let the flickering embers die down. This is a promise to myself and you guys. An obligation to stop burning myself for this girl when there is no reason whatsoever to not be happy.

Appreciate what you have people.

[Tacos]

I can say that I relate all too well with the second situation. While I never did ask the guy out, I know it would be a no, because he's straight obviously. And I knew who he liked at the time, and they're both a lovely couple currently and I couldn't be happier for them. I still have feelings for him, and I probably will continue to as he's a very close friend of mine. But if you're truly infatuated with someone, you'll understand that you should let them pursue the person that makes them happy. We're in high school. We're surrounded by people who we might not see in years to come. Upon graduation, we'll be in a different environment, where we'll meet new people. Bonds will form and break, and I doubt you won't fall for someone again as you have for this girl. Love will find you eventually. And while the wait may be unbearable, the reward is all too sweet. Keep your head up. I can't say you'll ever get over her, but just know that her pursuing this other guy will eventually lead to her happiness, and you moving on will keep you out of a depressing loop of feeling not good enough.