[CW/Series] Lily Ex Machina, an original work. {UPDATED 21/12/2015 -- Chapter 12}

[Code: PIRULUK]

So... if any of you are in the Fate/Reborn RP or are following it, you'll know that I'm playing a Servant named Lily Voirgaire, who seems to not come from any previous RP on this site.

...Well, for the uninitiated, the truth is that Lily was originally a Gardevoir that I created for Murdoc's old RP that stopped about a year ago. But when Murdoc mentioned the concept for Fate/Reborn to me, I felt an inexplicable urge to revive her character.

Lily's character concept was "the female Ralts that wanted to be a Gallade". She was a Ralts who adored the idea of close combat and wanted to become a cool Gallade like her dad, but was restricted by the restraints of her evolution line. As a result, she ended up growing into a Gardevoir that specialised in close quarters combat, by wrapping her limbs in psychic energy and using them to throw punches and kicks.

Now, Murdoc told me that he didn't want Pokemon characters in his Fate RP, so, with his permission, I revised Lily to become a human. To keep with the concept of "wanting to fight but being unable to because of natural circumstances", I decided to make her limbless, instead relying on prosthetics which I will not deny were inspired by Olivie Sagebrecht from Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha ViVid.

Now, if you read through that rant, hooray! You care! And I therefore love you. If not, then you aren't reading this line anyway, so I have nothing to say to you. Well. I was just going about my normal life, when suddenly a story idea struck me. And I realised I could easily fit Lily into it as the protagonist, to finally give her a proper backstory. And that's what I did.

So that brings us to my newest project, Lily Ex Machina.

Synopsis

Meet Lily Voirgaire, a prodigious machinist and failed magician. She had unsurpassed talent... in , a field of magic largely considered useless.

Nevertheless, she remained positive, looking forward in life, hoping to get a state permit for mechanical engineering and design, developing her strengths. But in a world where magic is prevalent and abundant, there isn't really much demand, or necessity, for machines.

Then the accident occurred.

This is a tale of one girl's struggle to overcome loss.

This is a tale of resurgence and love. Largely written on a whim, this work will be updated as and when I feel like it, and its writing style is largely influenced by that of Japanese web novels.

DISCLAIMER: THIS WORK WILL LIKELY CONTAIN DESCRIPTIONS OF GORE AND MILD SEXUAL CONTENT.

Link

You can read the story here:

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/4141

I appreciate any and all feedback, especially constructive criticism. Note that the writing is heavily influenced by the style of Japanese web novels such as Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari and Arifureta Shokugyou de Sekai Saikyou, and as such the differences from traditional Western writing styles may be slightly jarring.

[Pyon Pyon Kyuu!~]

Yellow. Commentary incoming!

I enjoyed it! Gives a small taste of the world and mechanics without being too overwhelming. My best criticism is probably just that, you seem to have detailed world and setting so make sure the reader never feels to overwhelmed! Simple, short, sweet and I liked it for it. The writing style is a tiny bit weird, but I'm guessing that is the mentioned inspiration from web novels. I know I'm not saying much with this, but that is because there isn't much to say. It was a small taste of what's to come, but it was a good taste.

Keep at it, I'm interested in reading more!

[Code: PIRULUK]

So I added chapter one... if anybody cares. I tried to reduce the infodump this time :x

[Chevaleresse]

I didn't mind the infodump, looking forward to reading the next chapter.

[Pyon Pyon Kyuu!~]

Read this next episode on the train. Once more, I enjoyed it! Could still be a bit bigger, and it definitely left me wanting to read more. I noted something in particular that while explaining the world you also left some hints to where the story might go. Or hell, even if the story will be completely based around this one "dungeon" you definitely made the world feel open. G o o d J o b a r i n o.

[Code: PIRULUK]

And we finally meet the party \o/

From next chapter onwards I might put an ! in the topic title for 24hrs after each update.

[Flux]

I never knew this existed until yesterday, but I gave it a read and loved it! The world itself reminds me a bit of DanMachi (Which I loved the setting of) with a couple notable differences, so of course I love the world you've set up as well. I have to say, knowing what I do about Lily from the Fate RP, I would have expected a more steampunk-esque universe, but as I've said, I like this type of setting much more. I enjoyed how you gave the little tidbits of information about the world using << >>, which is one of the highlights of light novels to me. You tend to get a plethora of extra information that the anime doesn't have time to cover. Granted, this isn't an anime, but I do like the extra info. It keeps me more "in-tune" with the world, so to speak. Anyway, I'm definitely excited to read more of this, It's my ideal mix of fantasy with RPG elements, so I'll anxiously await chapter 3!

[Code: PIRULUK]

Updated with Chapter Six. Things are starting to pick up \o/

[Flux]

You can read the prologue chapter here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CwqEHURDylQzT_IHMOWlrYaKClWkIw1RHnlWQo_ku5I/edit?usp=sharing

This can be changed from "Prologue Chapter" now since it includes the whole thing, right?

[Code: PIRULUK]

Ah, right, I forgot. Thanks for that ^^

[Flux]

Hey, new hosting site! Nice background colors and easy organization. I like it ^^

[Chevaleresse]

I'm slowly getting caught up on this, btw.

[Pyon Pyon Kyuu!~]

I'm slowly getting caught up on this, btw.

Dude you could read the whole story in two train rides.

[Code: PIRULUK]

...huh. when was [series] a tag?

...updated title to reflect this tag thing.

[Noir]

So I'd review sooner but life is taking the hell out of it's toll on me even if your story is more on the short-ish chapter side (I hope I didn't say something wrong but I deem an average of say, 1-3k chapters "short", and chapters being short don't affect anything) but I've finally managed to touch every single chapter in your fic, Acqui, and here are my thoughts. Sorry if you'd prefer your reviews through RoyalRoad, but I thought I'd bump this thread a bit too, if you don't mind.

It goes without saying that you're brilliant at this stuff. While the story is very coruscating in itself, I'm personally especially appealed by the development and design of Lily as a character moreso than how she traverses through the storyline, which is woven very nicely nonetheless. It opens a side to her I've not seen in the Reborn RP and really gives me very clear relation and understanding of the character. It's rare for me to be interested in something that isn't my cup of tea when it comes to the genre of the content (in this case a varied form of romance/harem apart from the atypical boy/girl romance I favor) so I give you my kudos for managing to keep me interested in something I've not seen in a while.

Establishing RPG mechanics and explaining them amidst a story is complex piece of work but I personally think you manage to keep it very standardized and fluent without any stagnant breaks here and there. It's not like other works I've seen that are stuck up on a confusing establishment of topsy-turvy mannerisms in how the author's world goes. Being able to do this without pictures or a separate thread etc explaining how the world works is something I admire very much, as it gives me up-to-date understanding of how things work without forcing me to twist my mind that much.

So, do flesh out more of this fantastic story and I'll be rooting for you.

Edited March 7, 2016 by YagamiNoir4896