[CW: OneOff]: Loneliness, its Horrid Company, and The People Who Refuse to Let It Be.

[Raindrop Valkyrie]

Day to day I struggle with the problems of being alone, and the things that accompany it. I believe that, I deserve it that it's of my own making. I at many times, start to to think that it's my fault that people don't want anything to do with me. Despite knowing it's not true I sink back into the darkness anyway. I have trouble believing that I have worth that people want me around. I think of myself as a burden to them, a person that can only bring ruin and terrible things into their lives and make them worse. I feel like I'm a walking omen of terrible things. While at makes it sound silly and over the top... I can;t help but feel that way. I feel like I I ever do is end up hurting people around me, even if it's indirectly. I feel like I make the lives of those around me feel more and more bleak and that it's my fault it happening. So I want them to abandon me, to get away from the disgusting monster I am. I push them away. I push them away because I can't believe they actually care about something as vile as myself. They only want to make me feel better, just to restart the process and spiral back into it. I always find my way back into the darkness somehow. I feel like everyone is pushing me away... when in reality it's probably me doing all the pushing. However, I just can't stop myself. I just can't believe people want me around want me to be their friend, to be anything to them. I feel so often used and then discarded, because it's happened so often. I'm only needed or remembered when somebody wants something from me. When they need me for something, that's the only time I matter, the only time people give me the time of day. And I hate to say that, but I feel that way. I feel that way so often. Like I'm useless until I have a use. That I'm something so worthless that people just don't want to be around me. I feel it in my heart and my soul so heavily that it permeates everything I do. I try to spread kindness, because I feel like I'm never shown any, I try to listen to people, but I feel nobody ever has the time to listen to me. They just ignore me. And if that's the case... it has to be something I'm doing right? It has to be of my own making. It's my fault that people don't want to bother with me, it's my fault that I'm worthless. The more I try to believe that I'm not... the harder it is to believe. Because the only thing that I feel like I get is more and more reasons not to. There are some that provide contrary point... but they are greatly outweighed.

As a result... I feel such crushing loneliness. It just sits on top of my soul and weighs me down. It colors all my actions afterwards and I just can't escape it. It's this loneliness that makes me believe all these things, that because I feel it so thoroughly that it must be true and I'm destined to be this way forever. It makes me not ever want to try and talk to people, try and believe them when they tell me I'm fun to be around, or a good person. It's the Loneliness so deeply entrenched in my heart that doesn't let me love myself. It never lets me breathe it never lets me try. It cripples my emotions and only let's me feel immense sorrow. Even when I try to be happy, when I try to care... I only feel bitter, empty. I can't bring myself to really truly feel happiness. I forget what it's like... I've lost it. When I find it... I feel like It's not real... and I let it go... because I definitely don't deserve something if I can't even recognize it anymore. I push away the things that make me feel this way, because I don't think I should be allowed to have it, if I can't really feel it. I don't even know If I can ever truly break this cycle... because it keeps repeating itself endlessly. Every time I think I've clawed my way out tooth and nail... I find myself back there again. Back within the pits of despair, of sorrow, of loneliness. I find myself right where I started. Back in the darkness I myself created and keep recreating. I can;t be free of it, cause It's still back there hiding. Anytime I make a break for it, it only speeds back into place reminding me that I'm so worthless I can't even defeat it. I can't win out as it only creeps back into place and keeps eating away at me. It festers in my heart and my soul more than anywhere else. And it hurts... it hurts so damn much. Pain is the only thing I think I really understand anymore. Pain, Sorrow, and Loneliness. The only things I'm allowed in this world. The only things I understand. The only things I know like the back of my hand. They are a part of me. I'm hopelessly broken. The only thing I know anymore is trying to keep others from getting to this state... keep them from cracking into pieces like I have. The more I hurt... the less others do. Or so is one of few things I can bring myself to believe. I even believe I'm more worthless than others intrinsically... I'm so pathetic. How can I be worth anything.

And yet... there's a person who does everything to try and prove me wrong. I can always feel her hand on my shoulder, telling me everything is alright and that I'm not worthless. Even at the lowest of lows, the darkest of the dark... she's always with me, sitting beside me. She's never abandoned me... not once. I can always feel that warmth of her hand on my shoulder despite how lost I am. She always comes running no matter what. She's leaps into the darkness after me, no matter what danger there might be for herself. She risks a lot to make sure I'm never truly alone. And really... that's all I need. To feel that presence. To feel that someone is there. It helps me so much. It helps me remember that someone just might care and that if one can... others can too. She's almost like my guardian angel if I believed in such things... she's always there, and always trying to make sure I'm safe and well. It feels wonderful that someone ould try and care about me, that someone can. It lifts so much from my heart knowing it possible. I'm not sure she even really understands just how important being there is too me. Not talking, not really any of the other great things she does... just her presence is enough. That alone means the world to me. That someone would go out of their way.. just to make sure I'm not alone. Even when I'm at my ugliest. When i can barely be considered human... she's still there. She's always there. It makes so much of my pain just fade away. So much just evaporates and is gone. I can feel the weight lighten, the burden of pain and sorrow become less. In my journey to cast away these restricting feeling... that makes it so much easier. One day I'll cast them off into the sea, off into the great abyss, to be gone forever. Then maybe I can love who I am finally. But it is her that helps me do this. Her that helps me see reason, truth and wonderful things. Her who gets me to turn my back on pain and sorrow, and look onto much brighter things. Happiness, friendship, comradery, joy, and other things. She goes out of her way to do this. She never once had to, she never once had to really care. And yet she does. She doesn't let me be alone. She doesn't let me sink back into darkness. She allows offers a hand for me to take when I'm ready and climb out. and, while I take my time, she stays with me until I am. She really is wonderful.

But, she's like me in some regards. We can;t see the things that are great about us. We're blind to them. Blind to our worth, blind to how good we are, and that people do care. So blind to the fact that people want us to be there, want us to not be all alone in this world. And that... probably pains me more than anything. That the person who's saved me countless times... suffers the same as I. That she feels the same pain, the same sorrow I do every day of my life. Because I know how painful it is... I've lived it all my days. I want NO ONE else to have to. And yet... the one who's always there for me suffers the same fate, the same loneliness... the same demons and tribulations. I can't help but think that no person should ever be in this place. Especially not one like her. A person so beautiful and so wonderful. I want to show her the things I see, the beauty that's blinding brilliant and so obvious to me, but foreign to her. The things that she can;t believe about herself... that she can;t love herself like I can't love myself. ANd, that is the problem. I don't know how... I can;t love who I am... how could I ever show her that? How could I ever begin to know how to show her how wonderful she is if I can't figure out that I am. And, that is what pains me most in this world. That I cannot express that to her and have her believe me. I'd give up anything to be able to do so.. but probably in the end end up destroying myself to do so. I'm so hopeless, so hopelessly selfless, but selfish at the same time. Because... I always value myself as lesser than others, that my sacrifice is worth their gain. I let people use me as a stepping stone and as a result... most of them just go on and leave me behind. They've crossed their threshold, their challenge... which ends my worth to them. And I tired of living like that, and thinking like that. Because, this person hasn't jsut left me behind. She's still with me. But she struggles with the very things I do, the very things I wish I could be rid of. And it kills me. I pains me so much more than anything else in this world because it reminds me how hopeless I am, how I don't feel like i can really help anyone, that I'm just a waste of space. But, Damn it hell I'm so tired of that. So fucking tired. I try everyday that I can to help her see so that maybe one day... I can. If there's hope for her there's hope for me. And while we bumble around here in the darkness, that we'll eventually find a way out of this damned dark. By everything in my power I want to make that happen. She deserves to love who she is, and to not feel this pain ever again. And if she does, so do I. If she is always there for me, it means I've got to have hope... I've got to deserve these things. Because if she does, and she's willing to go to so many lengths jsut to make sure I'm okay, and that I'm not alone, she's gotta see those things in me. She could've given up ages ago... leaving me behind like so many others in my life. Once they stepped over me, they'd vanish. But she's still here, and she's still telling me that everything will be okay in my darkest moments. She has to see the things I see in her... in me. The things I can't see in myself. And while I don't currently believe it... maybe we can both find out how with each other. Maybe we can both learn how to love ourselves. It's this reason I do fight and I don't give up... because if I give up... I think she will. I think she'll lose sight of anything she could see if I just give up on myself.

So, despite the fact that the cycle of darkness, pain, sorrow, loneliness... I'll drudge on. I'm not going to give up. Because if one person thinks I'm worth it... others can. If she deserves it, so do I. Maybe one day the both of us can find our light and be free of this curse of self-loathing, this curse of pain... this curse of Loneliness. We can cast it off into the abyss for it to never return and get on with our lives. I have hope that it happens. But not just that. I'll make it happen. Because, she deserves that. I don't know when... or how. But it will... someday we'll both be free of it. In what capacity... I don't know. But one day it will no longer plague us and fester within out hearts. We'll be rid of it. And maybe then... for once we'll see the warm sun. The sun will shine on the roads we walk in life. The dark and gloom gone with our lives ahead of us to look forward to. I don't know when... but it'll happen. I'll give up anything to make sure it does. Anything so long as it comes not at my own detriment but, is for the good of us both. Because we, as all people are worth it. We're all worthwhile and all worth something. I personally need to learn that... sacrificing myself to make everyone else feel better and to be better people... will only lead me to ruin. I need to remember myself at times, that I am a person. Even if I am broken... even if I am full of pain and sorrow... I'm still human. I still need to look out for myself, and try to be a better person, try to be someone who thinks they are worth something other than being a conduit for others pain. I'm much more than that. Now... if only i could truly believe it... but...it's that I am working on. It's that I'm trying to ingrain in myself. Because I'm tired of being alone and tired of being a stepping stone... I'm tired of being a tool to be used. I'm human. I'm real. I've got feelings, goals, dreams, hopes. I need to stop putting only others before me, I need to remember, that I'm human.

It her that taught me this. I hope one day I'll believe it. I hope one day, that I truly truly believe it. She's done more for me than I think she can ever know. She's done so much... just by being there when I needed someone. It was the only thing in my life I had never had. Some one who'd just be there. That simple gesture of kindness... meant the world to someone who never received it before. It saved me. It let me know there's hope and that I'm worth it. And that means the world to me. I wish I could repay that, I wish I could really let her know just how much it meant. But its not something words can ever do justice. Never could they describe it and have it's meaning be so clear and so true. And so... will I try... I don't think i can ever express how grateful I am, how much pain and sorrow lifted away from such a simple action. The Simple, simple gesture... of being there for me. Something so small... meant so much. Staggering disproportionate. I owe her the world. I owe her... to actually start loving who I am and what I am. It thanks to her I can ever begin to imagine this journey. It's thanks to her I can even begin to fathom this. That I can be worth something. I'll be eternally grateful for it. That I can even begin walking that path.