Raviel the Phantom Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 This is a rough draft to my next novel I hope to publish. It is my first young adult fantasy and am looking for feedback on the plot. Since it is a rough draft, grammar is not my complete concern. I am looking for any plot holes or things that don't make sense to the reader. You can find it here: http://www.pokemonreborn.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=19511 Any feedback is helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomas Elliot Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 “Watch where you’re throwing things,” caws a dreary old man. Looking up, the digger sees the pale wrinkly features of the crone. Sunken eyes filled with contempt peer down into the hole. “You nearly hit me with that rock you little twit!” “Bischoff,” a deep voice booms across the cemetery, “If you would not stand so close, you will not risk being struck.” “Bischoff,” a deep voice booms across the cemetery, “If you would not stand so close, you will not risk being struck.” Bischoff In all seriousness, this looks good, but between exams and other commitments, it is hard for me to follow a series like this (I promised I'd follow Huk's latest endeavor, but ultimately I didn't). So yeah, I will try and keep on reading to provide some feedback, but I cannot honestly promise it. Regardless, good luck and keep up the good work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commander Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 (You know it's like my job to tear these things apart, right?) I don't have time right away to get into reading all of that, but I'll get to it in a week or two (that sounds like a long time, but it takes time to read these things properly). But I like novels/books that have a few chapters built in it so that I can get a better feel of it. I haven't really read anything other than the first paragraph, but I noticed what seemed like a little bit of a bad habit at the start. There's quite a bit of unnecessary "He" and "Him" uses that are a bit irritating. You can omit many of those because the average reader is just going to assume that it's still talking about "him" (there's a lot of different ways to write sentences so avoiding jarring patterns is always a good thing). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.