What Makes a Monster

[Shamitako]

Just right off the bat: if discussions about transgenderism, sexuality, rape, suicide (EDIT: Oh, RIP, I changed my mind and didn't talk about these but left them up here), depression, or self-deprecation will cause you to feel panicked, unbearably sad, or extremely angry turn back now

So hi, this is a thread about me. It's sort of my way of telling you all who I am. Some of you know me, some not so much. I don't think very many of you really know me all that well, this is meant to change that to an extent. Basically it's just another excuse to talk about myself

Let's start with the basics. My name is Benjamin Wallace, I go by the usernames "MasterWeavile898" and "KosherKitten" depending on the age of the account. By my request, most people online refer to me as some variation of Alexus. IRL my most common nickname is "Snow." I'm 17 years old and I live with my parents, two sisters, and a dog. I also consider myself to be transgender, a girl

My personality is nothing special. I'm very emotional and have a bit of an inferiority complex which I like to hide behind a mask of pride. I don't like large groups of people and I hate starting conversations. But I do oh-so-love to talk about myself. I'm extremely smart, to the point where I can basically ignore my studies and get Bs. Maybe not a genius, although I have been reading at a college level since age seven. I'm prone to perfectionism and procrastination, which work in tandem to keep me from doing much. I tend to crack jokes, usually of a sexual kind, to keep myself distracted. And oftentimes asking me to be serious or cleaner is going to simply result in me feeling hurt or unwanted

Behind all this though, I like to think that I'm a very caring girl. I'm not very nice, but I do care about people and always try to do what's best for others, even at my own expense. Of course, I care for others a lot, but my sense of self-worth is abysmal. At best I feel useless, and telling me that I made a mistake or outright insulting me is going to make me feel like asymmetrical garbage. Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't true, but like I said, very emotional

I enjoy reading quite a lot, it's probably my second-favorite pastime besides writing. I also enjoy video games, anime, cooking, and the occasional board game. And I'm sure that if you think about it a little you'll quickly come to see why I like visual novels quite a lot, especially when they have some kind of gameplay element mixed in. They bridge the gap between words and technology beautifully

I hate overly sensitive people (like myself), hypocrites (like myself), hipsters and weebs (I can be like both at times), liars (also me, everyone is a liar, even Madoka), and people who won't take math class seriously because they don't think it will help them later on in life (not me). I also dislike insects due to a phobia

K, basics out of the way, let's get to the meat of this topic. See me? I'm a monster. It's not something I necessarily like, in fact it's probably not even true, but it's something I've accepted. I've actually outright been told that I am a monster, which has hurt. After all, I'm only as much a monster as any other human

Basically what I'm trying to say here is that I'm human, and that to cope with those who would say otherwise, I've come to treat "monster" and "human" as synonyms. See, my belief is that the monsters we dream up are really just reflections of ourselves, fears spawned from what we don't want to become. So really, monsters are in everyone, I'm just more willing to admit to mine than some. Or maybe this is just me trying to justify myself to society and I really am inhuman. Does it really even matter why? It's how I am

I've said before that I don't mind people so long as they realize that we're both human they're just as terrible (or not terrible, but the focus here is on the negative) a person as I am and treat me as human. But I hate when people treat me as though I'm less than human, a monster if you will. They're taking what little worth I have in human society and saying that it doesn't matter because I'm not human in the first place

The person I am is a young trans girl struggling with depression and self-worth who desperately wishes she could find some way to be useful. I want to use what little strength I have to help others in every way possible, even if it means diminishing myself even further. To this end I want to become a librarian, someone who helps others through my favorite medium of books. I want to help connect my generation and the generations that follow to the sometimes forgotten world of words and imagination that I've come to love. If that makes me a monster, so be it

With Hope,

Alexus M. Wallace

[Felicity]

Perspective is what makes a monster. People fear monsters. If you expect to be seen as a monster then ask yourself, what are you really doing to terrify someone else? Helping people read isn't very scary.

You might want to add that you seek attention if you're trying to disclose who you are, judging by the spontaneous existence of this topic, your general air of fake-arrogance, your importation of yourself into RPs and your similarity to me. I don't mean to hurt, just point out something you may have missed in the introspection that probably took place before making this thread.

Still, if this is meant to be an introductory topic to get to know you better then hell, I'm Dobby The Elf. Nice to meet you again.

[Shamitako]

Perspective is what makes a monster. People fear monsters. If you expect to be seen as a monster then ask yourself, what are you really doing to terrify someone else? Helping people read isn't very scary.

You might want to add that you seek attention if you're trying to disclose who you are, judging by the spontaneous existence of this topic, your general air of fake-arrogance, your importation of yourself into RPs and your similarity to me. I don't mean to hurt, just point out something you may have missed in the introspection that probably took place before making this thread.

Still, if this is meant to be an introductory topic to get to know you better then hell, I'm Dobby The Elf. Nice to meet you again.

Well, to comment on the spontaneity, this isn't just randomly, there was a reason it appeared at this point in time. I'm not going to go into detail, but suffice to say I needed a place to get this off my chest and Reborn is the only even moderately safe place I know of to do so

It's me needing to talk about this as well as a way to get to know me better, so it's nice to meet you again as well ^^

[Deleted User]

I feel a monster is someone who genuinely gains pleasure from someone else's pain or misfortune with no other motives behind their actions.

[Raindrop Valkyrie]

I'll say hello as well, but I'm not going to pretend like I didn't know these things etc from talking to you the times I have. And trust me, my demons maybe a lot different, but... if you're a Monster I'm easily one as well. However, I'd rather not make this a "I'm more horrible a person than you" contest since... well I'm trying to love myself and that's not really construtive when I'm trying to be a better person for my own sake XD.

But, do know this, what a monster is etc... is by the definittion of one's own perspective. In my eyes, you're not one, I'm not one. A monster... is not something many people ever are. Because... even those of us that have done terrible things, that human side still exists. They still cared about something, someone... some ideal something, that would hold that spark of humanity within them. We cannot dehumanize a human.. it's actually impossible. Because deep down, we are always human. We may be flawed, we may be broken... but we're always human. There's no if, ands, or buts about that fact. We all are human.

In myth, you'd be correct. Monsters really are the reflection of humanity's more disgusting sides, but... there are also good monsters, things that represent our goodness, our ideals as well. There are monsters that are pure and the epitome of humnaitie's ideals. It's not a one sided coin. Myth represents both our good sides and our bad.

So, Monster, human... who cares? You're a Person. All that counts. At least, to me. Keep on keeping on. You do you. I'll do me. Walk the path you see fit. For, that's all we can do in this life.

With love,

Hukuna Sensei.

P.S.: really, I mean the things I say. Keep that head up.

[Guzam]

I just think everyone's a monster whether they like it or not. Everybody's got that one thing about them, whether it's minor or major that makes them a bad person. Nobody is perfect and it shows in human nature. People can be jealous, assholes, creeps, murderers, etc. and this goes for absolutely everyone alive. You can't think your perfect because you aren't all of these things either. Humans have twisted thoughts too, weird things about them that you cannot avoid.

That said however, I simply believe it's best to try and be the nicest monster possible. Everyone is a monster, but that doesn't mean you have to be a bad one. Keep that monster locked away, or reveal it, just don't let it get in the way of what makes you a great person. I'm not a nice person all the time, in fact I really hate people, but I know people by their actions and know when to stop, or care. I'm also prone to over-reacting a lot, but I think this helps me in some situations. Try to see the best in things most of the time. Be a better monster than the rest.

[Flux]

Most of this is stuff I already knew, but it's always good to know more about the people you consider friends. My personal stance is that you're definitely not a monster, and neither are any of the people I've known. I don't see humans as monsters at all, probably because I tend to be far on the optimistic side, which puts us kind of on opposite ends of things. It takes a lot to get me down, but when I am, it hurts, and bad. I'd like to say that therefore I know at least a little bit of what it's like to to be depressed, but unfortunately, I'm also pretty confident that I have no clue what it's really like to deal with depression. I legitimately wish I could do something to help you when you need it, but I don't know what I can conceivably do from the other end of this computer besides offer words of support and wish you the best of luck in dealing with things as they come to you. I'm always willing to talk, whatever the topic may be and whether I'm informed on it or not, so feel free to hit me up if you ever want to. It feels lame, but that's about all I can say.

[Avatar of Grima]

I'm actually quite glad you've opened up.

As for people calling you a monster, I don't see it, I just think it's an overreaction, never let it get in the way of who you want to be.

~Nas

[Noir]

...Wow.

Let's start by saying that it's rare to meet someone with....that much similarity to myself. Bar having a dog and being around months or a year older than you, (and you have two sisters whilst I have two brothers) you've actually made a very accurate representation of who I am.

We're all different though. (Forgive my rant pls) People have called me both a monster and an alien. I was an arrogant asshole before high school and my peers and teachers despised me even with my accomplishments and being smart. In that case, I was a monster. High school started and I warped from monster to alien after a month of being arrogant (lol), where I was no longer outgoing and active, sitting alone for 4 years of high school in class and anywhere else with 3 of which I had no friends or anyone to talk to. A lot of other stuff happened that made me the syndrome of depression until this year or late last year when I got back on my feet, but I'm still an alien because I'm not into my environment culture, talk/laugh alone to myself all the time which makes people think I'm crazy, as well as "doing extraordinary stuff".

But what can I say? Not even the most angelic people (if they do exist) are devoid of their inner monstrosities. But sometimes you can't make yourself who you are without them, in a good way. It's human nature to screw things up and be called a monster for it sometimes. Wronged a friend/spouse/family badly? Get called a monster. Many other things fall here, most if not all of which I've done at least once in my life, but take a moment to think that being called a monster doesn't make your accusers any different, or that's what I like to believe. While its preferred out there to be able to control your monsters, anyone who tells me that they've not been a "monster" before in their life I'd gladly poke them in the eye and paint their face in the words "liar". You learn from your mistakes and be a better person because you transformed into a monster once. You may think of your text as a way a monster's roaring out there but no one's scared.

I can relate to depression, angst, being alone a whole lot with no one to talk to, hella lot of procrastination and severe lack of self-esteem, yet with the desire to contribute in any way I can. While I don't know you a whole lot (last we talked was like last year about OU meta, irrc) personally I'd find you a great confidant in a conversation, and a lot of people would think that way also.

Even then, the last paragraph illustrates well that you're far from a monster, and even if you are right now, it's fully possible change if you don't want to be.

[Ironbound]

You are right inasmuch as to say that anyone has the potential to become a 'monster' as you put it. I remember saying something of this kind elsewhere, but it's appropriate to say it here again: we all have weaknesses and evils that plague our mind. But the power of the mind is to overcome these evils and keep them in check. I don't see why you should call yourself a monster if you experience the sort of emotions anyone would. A monster would be one who cannot control them, and you certaily don't fit that bill; rather, I am glad that you're opening up and keeping relatively calm at the same time.

I have not, I think, had the felicity of meeting you before, but I am glad to make your acquaintance. It may not mean much to you when I say that I can relate to alienation and the associated loneliness and angst, but perhaps I can still impress upon you to overcome them and seek a brighter outlook on life. There's always good things in life that we ought to cherish.

Please do feel free to bank on us. We are all friends here, even if you don't know many of us.

[Exalted]

to be honest a monster has many faces and it depends on which one you choose to acknowledge. the true meaning of a monster in my opinion is not someone who hurts someone for pleasure or gain there many other names for that evil,sadistic and so on what i think a monster is someone our human race fears loathes and runs from though there are exception in our community a general opinion exits for one thing or another.

But like i said my friend it stems from opinion and self generalization if you believe you are a monster you are one for yourself if some 3 people out of 10 see you as monster for those 3 you are one and the other 7 will have there own perspective.

now you may counter my argument by saying well not everyone knows how an other person is so is there argument to loathe them be valid well a point to be noted it is like some people above here gave the concept of what they believe is a monster now a person if so fills that criteria even unknown to them should be a monster to them regardless of whom they are.

What im basically trying to say we all are the monsters in a sense not just the personalities somewhere in our corner of our soul but we are human we are good Samaritan a soldier see to each person we are what they think a personality like ours is or even what our appearance is to someone now what someone thinks of you is up to them but what you overall think of yourself now thats up to you someone may say im a very good and skilled guy but i know who and what i am and that may not be it so the question to yourself are you a monster or arent you each person can answer that to themselves only.

and also Alexus the personality traits you've shown there pretty normal so dont think much about them its all about how we express and carry out such personalities,

Edited March 27, 2016 by NovaKnight

[Honchy]

Jesus, your personality traits are almost completely like mine. Except for the pride thing, that I can never muster. I really don't think you're a monster, I mean, I've seen people who are more deserving of that title.

Edited March 27, 2016 by Honchy

[Halloween]

eyo, Alex

First of all, please be careful with putting out your name. I mean everyone that I've talked to here is super fucking sweet, but I've also seen some mistaken soul on this forum say that they don't believe in transsexuals, like it's some tinkerbell bullshit, and the Reborn forum seem to have at least 100 people on at any given time. There was a guest in this thread when I first read it. I'm sure your name is common and all, but if you aren't out to everyone around you, don't underestimate how much energy some people put into being miserable fucking douchenuts.

This is gonna sound really anime mentor and awkward, but fuck this was such a sad post to read - do not put others happiness before your own. You shouldn't diminish your own value, person or life quality for anyone, be it someone you love or some assberry that thinks that just believe in certain things certain people shouldn't be allowed to be happy as themselves. they're wrooong if they tell you to do that. because you're fucking important. you're funny - i've seen it, you're smart - i have no how to gauge this because i'm not, so i'm gonna take you at face value, you're a valuable and crucial part of this community, you will have a crucial parts of future communities, serving us both quality and quality, you're honest both with yourself (that's rare!) and with others. and i don't even know you! i've been here a fucking week and we've never had a conversation, but i know your icon and username from around, and I like you. and i'm picky with people. if you're gonna diminish yourself you'll take away from all this swell stuff too.

what i'm trying to say here, you're "useful" just by being yourself and contributing with yourself to the world, to us, in a way that no one else could 'cause they're not you.

not to mention, librarians are a dying breed! I've don't think I've ever met one below the age of 50. So that's a fantastic thing you're gonna do there. we need more librarians, for the next generation of slayers nerds. believe in me that believes in you, haha.

tl;dr words are words you're great and need to stay that way.

Also, what someone else said i'm not reading all those comments again, but please keep us updated on the situation if the mood strikes, we're here for you.

edit: it's a very cool title thou, haha

Edited March 27, 2016 by Halloween