Combat's Quarter Taker Game Review Fun Place!

[Combat]

Welcome Friends!

In real life, I’m not a very vocal person. On the internet though, let me tell you, I'll be happy to go on for hours about absolutely nothing. So, that's why we are here, for me to go and rant and praise video games. I'll talk about the good, the bad, and the ones that made my computer overheat. The plan is, this will be a periodically updated place where I can go and talk about games, series, and even games that haven't come out yet. I should warn you, I'm not an expert in video games. I don't know the Konami Code off the top of my head, and my tastes are fairly tame compared to the majority of gamers out there, so don't expect me to be doing anything overly violent, or anything exclusive to the Xbox, PlayStation, or the WiiU. All I have is time, not money, now, without further ado, let’s get going!

Welcome my pretties, to Combat's Quarter Taker Game Review Fun Place! Here, I'm going to give games an analysis, giving people the review they deserve, and let me tell you, the people really don't deserve much, so don't expect gold. No, the people don't get gold, they get copper! Anyways, for my first review, I should start with a game everyone has been talking about lately. A RPG that has supposedly changed the modern climate of the industry, and has made its way into the hearts of millions.

Of course, I'm talking about Final Fantasy 7!

Final Fantasy Seven is a game created by gaming company Square. Now, most people know it as Square Enix now, but for the time, the company was known as Square. Final Fantasy Seven (which is often shortened to FF7) is a turn based, JRPG that was first released in 1997. The game places you in the shoes of Cloud Strife, an Ex Captain America super soldier. Your first goal is to commit terrorism by destroying a reactor in order to save the planet. Before you ask, no, you aren't working with Captain Planet, though if you were, this game would be much, much more interesting. After becoming intertwined in a conspiracy and a plot to destroy the world, Cloud must take up his unnecessarily large sword to save the day!

Honestly the plots not that great, it pretty much borderlines on genetic, and is made worse by the blandness of Cloud and the other three major characters. I'll get to that later, for now, I'm going to talk about the gameplay. First, I need to tell you, I love Turn Based RPGs. Pokémon has always been one of my favorite franchises for its gameplay, and within the last few years, Fire Emblem has taken my heart in a way too. Honestly, I never played the Final Fantasy games mainly because I was under the impression that every game was linked together, kind of like the Zelda timeline. Oh boy, was I wrong. Either way, when I saw FF7 on sale on Steam, I was happy to adopt it.

And then I battled an enemy.

For those of you who don't know, FF7 has a windup combat system, where your characters wait until there action bar fills before attacking. Every action costs one bars worth of windup, and enemies attack you while you wait to attack. This might sound blasphemous to some, but I really don't enjoy this system. I can deal with it, I've beaten FF7 twice now, but I don't consider it to be a turn based combat game. I consider it to be a waiting based combat game. Anyways, the combat system is fairly simple (unlike a certain sequel) which is alright with me. You and the enemy take turns waiting for your bars to fill to take pot shots at each other. You can equip Materia to use certain spells and abilities to give you an edge, and that's basically it.

Materia is magic crystals that let people do crazy stuff if they use them. There's some lore to go with it, but frankly, it's just as convoluted as the rest of the games plot. There's basic spells, like a fire or healing spell, summoning spell which create a being who fights your enemies, and a few random ones that let your characters do stuff like attack enemies more often or throw money at them... Either way, the system is pretty streamline, as you can only use the Materia you have equipped, which is limited depending on what weapon or armor you have. My strategy is usually only using Summon Materia, a healing spell, and a few health ups. The General magic is pretty weak in my opinion, plus, summoning Odin is priceless.

So the battle system is excusable, the magic system works, and the story is... Something. What else is there. Well, the environments to FF7 are beautiful. It's a shame that in comparison, the character models look like Popeye the Sailor mutants. The soundtrack is pretty good, I have a few songs on my playlist, so it passes in that regard. The battle animations make you wonder why they didn't work on the over worked sprites, though I'm sure some technical restraints were to blame, possibly. What really bothered me though, was some of the minor character’s models. Many of the side characters, and a few of the major characters (including the main villain) had this strange black hole mouth. Like, instead of having a normal looking face, they have a black hole, for a mouth. This bothered me to no end, and warranted the loss of a dozen points from my score.

Now, I was complaining about the windup combat earlier, but it would be fair to give in the benefit of the doubt in some ways. The combat is satisfying. Sure, it might suck to have an enemy that can attack you twice before you can heal yourself, but man, when you hit, you hit hard. The strikes you place down on an enemy feel like you're actually doing something, even if you're barely scratching it. Limits are basically the ultimate moves for your characters, which build up as they get beaten. That actually makes sense, as if some robot or sea dragon thing was beating me up, I'd get pissed off. So, limits are ok, and occasionally having some cool animations, but most of the high level limits require grinding, and really aren't necessary to beat the game. Just stick to summoning, you're better off that way.

Now let's look at the character’s character... (Or lack thereof) So, the four biggest characters in FF7 are Cloud, Aerith (I don't care what you say, her name is Aerith), Tifa, and Sephiroth. I'll be honest with you, all four of these characters really lacked any emotion, and made it hard to care about what happened in game. Cloud is edgy before being edgy was edgy, and really lacked any emotional depth. Plus, the whole dream sequence thing took too long and only prevented me from fighting stuff, which is what I bought this game for. If the game was supposed to be a story driven game, a section like that would be appropriate, but the way they played it out was just... Strange... Off the three main characters, I suppose Aerith had the most personality, until she died of course. Still, she never really grew as a character, and was probably there just to die. I mean, she looked blank even when she got shanked. At least Tellah went out screaming. Tifa was there to be Cloud's fall back story, and almost had an acceptable back story, so eh? And then we have Sephiroth, the man with a theme song that's is epicer than he deserves. Why you ask?

Because he's boring!

Alright, so boring might not be the right word, he's blank. Sephiroth was originally made out to be some sort of awesome super soldier who went crazy, but his madness was something I like to call Monotoneius Boringius. Sephiroth didn't become some gleeful killer like Mr. Scratch, or some brilliant power crazed master mind like Wesker. No, he became a weirdo who ran around stabbing people who has some weird Oedipus Complex. He showed up when the plot needed him to, and he stabbed people. I know I'm arguing against thousands of cosplayers, but really, Sephiroth is a bad villain. His end goal is stupid at best, and really, Hojo felt like a more memorable bad guy in comparison. Thanks to One Winged Angel though, Sephiroth passed into video game legend, as "The Guy Who Killed Cloud's Waifu." The idea of using Meteor to destroy/harm/whatever the planet might have been scarier if I hadn’t already seen it in Majora’s Mask (and yes, I know FF7 came out first) plus, Meteor didn’t feel as scary as the moon. Maybe it needs a face or something. Hmm…

To give Square the benefit of the doubt, the rest of the main characters were great. If they would have made the game star Barret or Cid, I wouldn't be writing the review.

I guess the only way to finish this review is by covering what I consider to be the worst side quest I've ever had the displeasure to complete. I'm talking about, of course, the Golden Chocobo breeding quest. I though grinding in Pokémon was bad, but this side quest is just terrible. By collecting certain Chocobos, which are giant chickens, and breeding the, with other specific Chocobos, you can eventually get a Golden Chocobo which can walk on water among other things. That doesn't sound bad? Oh boy, I'm only getting started buckaroo. In order to get the specific Chocobos you need, you have to find them. The chickens appear next to other enemies, and need to be the last on standing on the field in order to be caught. The kicker is, you need to find a specific group of monsters to get the right Chocobo, and if the RNG hates you, well, that's your own damn fault. After getting you repulsive chickens, you need to buy greens for them to get strong, though the plants usually cost an arm and a leg. After feeding them, you need to go onto a time wasting, inescapable mini game where you ride them on a track. Several times. After doing this with both a make and a female Chocobo, you can breed them to get... A green or blue Chocobo... Yeah, you’re going to have to do this several times, each stage taking more time than the last. Your reward for this?

Actually, it's pretty good. You get a Summon for the Knights of the Round Table, which can pretty much kill anything in one turn.

All in all, FF7 is an enjoyable, if not frustrating experience. The story is dragged out and boring, some of the characters have less emotion than Plank, and the graphics are tolerable. So, why is this game considered to be so good? Well, people like living in nostalgia. I really think that if it weren't for the nostalgia that FF7 brings, this game would be a foot note in Video Game history. Final Fantasy Seven is solid, yes, but most of its fan base comes from people who cried when Aerith's died, or laughed when Cloud became a cross dresser. Like Ocarina of Time, FF7 broke new ground, but has such a following that the fan base is what keeps the game going. I only recently played FF7, and I enjoyed it, but I don't think it deserves the rampant praise it gets. That honor should be going to Sonic Boom, my game of the century.

In the end, I give Final Fantasy Seven a golden trophy that says "World's Bes..." before being suddenly cut off. If you want to see the rest of the trophy, you'll have to wait. This trophy is episodic.

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Objection!

Did you really think I'd be satisfied with just one game review on my opening day? No, that would contradict everything I've ever stood for! Anyways, I'm going to get court marshaled if keep it up with these court jokes, so let's get started on my next review...

The Ace Attorney Franchise!

Alright, maybe I'm not be one hundred percent honest here. When I say the Ace Attorney Franchise, I'm talking specifically about Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney, Trials and Tribulations, Justice for All, and Dual Destinies. Once again, I'm limited to the systems I can use, and really don't like the idea of pirating games, so for this review, I'm going to be covering these four games like they're all that exist in the series. Yes, I am aware of the spin offs (I never thought I'd see Phoenix teaming up with Layton,) the guest cameos, (I never though Phoenix could hold his own against The Hulk) and that weird live action version you sometimes hear about (I never thought Capcom could make such a bad decision regarding one of their franchises.)

Oh.

For those of you who don't know, the Ace Attorney series is a graphic adventure franchise that places you in the shoes of Phoenix Wright, Attorney at Law. The whole purpose of the game is to prove your client innocent, while finding the real murderer in the process. Thankfully for you, the real murderer is usually one of the witnesses in the case, and/or is the prosecutor. I'm going to get this out of the way and say that you really don't want to be a prosecutor in this franchise. About one third of the major prosecutors in this game are killers, and about another third either get blamed for murder, or just get flat out shot during the case. Really, being the prosecutor is a really, really dangerous profession. Anyways, the game is usually divided up into two phases, the investigation phase, where you visit scenes pertaining to the case and question various characters to find evidence, and the trial phase, where you question various witnesses and use the evidence to find contradictions. Overall, it's a pretty simple system, one that could probably be enjoyed by moms the world over.

So we've got a simple graphic adventure game, so how about the plot? In a nutshell, the first three games set Phoenix up as a newly "minted" lawyer, who has just made it out of law school and is working to prove his best friend innocent of murder. Something you should know, is that every case is a murder case (although one starts out as a robbery case, that eventually degrades into a murder case.) I find this a little unrealistic, or perhaps more of a source of unneeded tension, as there doesn't seem to be an appeals court in this universe, and everyone seems to get capital punishment if they are found guilty. Basically, Wright is their only hope. After the first case, his mentor gets straight up murdered. Phoenix teams up with his mentor's younger sister, and starts solving crimes. Really, the entire plot to the series (or at least the first three) is this, but it manages to remain endearing. Phoenix's friends tend to get into the habit of either getting accused of murder, or getting kidnapped. Dual Destinies kind of breaks this cycle by basically changing all of the characters, which I'll cover later. Like the game play, the basic plot is simple...

But what a twist! Like I've said, the basic plot to the Ace Attorney games is really simple, but the cases are anything but. In Ace Attorney, you need to both prove that your client is innocent, and find the guilty party. I'm no legal expert, but this seems to be one of the least believable aspects of it (aside from the exorcisms of course). The game sets itself up that at least one of the witnesses that you question happens to be the real perpetrator. With evidence, you're able to tear their testimony apart and prove them the killer. I would like to see the Turnabout Criminal Who Ran the Hell Away and Left the Country, because them admitting their guilt is very central to the success of Wright. Still, this game has some really good twists. If the chapters’ introduction doesn't outright show the murder, you spend a fair amount of time trying to figure out who did it (except for that tiger guy, that one was blatantly obvious). For the most part, you might be scratching your head right up until the end, when you finally look at the case in another way.

If you have a mom, you might get this joke.

Let's talk about the characters.

Instead of wasting everyone's time, I'm going go and flat out say, the characters in this game are great. Each one has a unique personality to them, and are all mostly memorable. Phoenix's close, reoccurring allies become lovable in the ways they help you stumble your way through the cases, and the villains of each case are deliciously evil, which really helps keep a player engaged. Unfortunately, there was one character that dragged the experience down for me, otherwise ruining the first three games. I'm of course talking about Mia. If you've never played the games, you can probably skip the next two sections, since I need to talk about this character.

Still here? Alright, it's time for me to get this out of the way. Since we're all Ace Attorney experts here, I probably don't need to give you the full story for Mia, but for the sakes of the few new comers, I'll do an abridged one. Mia starts off as Phoenix's mentor, helping him through the first case you play through. Technically speaking, she previously saved his sorry self in a case a bit earlier, but we don't see this happen until the third game. After clearing the case if the crook who should have worn a watch, Mia gets murdered, and her younger sister Maya takes the blame. Phoenix takes the case, but eventually takes the blame of the murder too, and gets thrown into a corner and is almost declared guilty. At this point, the game departs from a court game to something entirely different. Mia and Maya are both from a family of powerful spiritual mediums, and are able to communicate with the dead. In short, Mia comes back and possess Maya to help you clear both of your names.

What? Listen, I'm fine with some magic in my mystery game, Puzzle Agent and Deadly Premonition are both proof of that, but this might be the biggest Deus ex Machina I've even seen. The issue I have with Mia is simple. She doesn't actually help you in your cases! You have a ghost on your side, and she's just as useful as Navi. Mia's sole purpose is to provide you with support, and occasionally give you advice on the overarching plot. You know a game that had a useful ghost sidekick? The Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks. Maybe if you could use Mia to possess witnesses and get some more information from them, it would make sense, but really, Mia is basically there just to be a sexy character. I'm noticing a disturbing trend of things that could be great, but are dragged down by sexy, useless characters...

No amount of words can explain how much I hate this character.

Alright, I'm done ranting. Really quick, I'm going to cover a few points about the game that are great, but don't need their own paragraphs. The music is catchy, and not overly repetitive. Since you'll be spending quite a bit of time reading and thinking, the back ground music can get a little tedious in most puzzle games, but AA does it well. Plus, the 'Objection' theme in every game is freaking awesome, so no complaints there. The backgrounds are usually simple, but tolerable, and are diverse enough to be considered ok. The character art is usually great, though some of the artists might have been big fans of Salvador Dalí, since some characters are defiantly not human.

I mentioned earlier that in Dual Destinies, the character roster is changed. What I mean by this, is that all of the secondary characters that you've been getting to know over the case of three games are basically removed from the universe. I know that yes, the game takes place in the universe, and basically is Pokémon Red is to Pokémon X in terms of the looks and feel, but I was kind of turned off by this. The game even teases you by having the minor prosecutor you "fight" at the start of the game be the twin brother of the one you faced off against in the first three, so it felt like Capcom was just taunting me. At least the nameless judge (which is weird, seeing as he's one of the most talkative characters in game, and yet still he doesn't have a real name) stayed the same. It just felt strange, playing in the same world without the familiar faces, though the lack of Mia was a welcomed change. And who knows, maybe all of the characters from the first three games died in a bus crash, though I doubt Capcom would ever kill of an entire generation of their own characters...

Oh...

All in all, Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney is a fantastic graphic adventure game set in an almost real universe (aside from the exorcisms of course.) With great characters, mind boggling puzzles with great twists in them (raise your hand if you actually saw the twist at the end of Dual Destinies,) and a sound track that doesn't make you want to mute your device, Ace Attorney deserves the praise it gets for being a puzzle game that actually makes sense, with minimal pixel hunting. Although it does have the occasional leap in logic during a case, with your mind and save states, one can easily find your client innocent, and save the day! I mean, you saved them, you're not really saving the world, so eh.

I give the Ace Attorney series the prestigious It's Almost a Virtual Novel But Manages Not To Be One Award, given only to those that are just barley skimming the line! Stay tuned for my review of the most adult children's game I've ever played, and remember, if you're ever framed for murder, act like you have evidence. It works every time!

[Honchy]

I've never played FF7 seven before. But I've heard it was one of the greatest Jrpg's of all time. Yikes, I was even spoiled Aerith's death, so I have barely any intent to play it. But if Steam makes a cheap release, I'll buy and play it.

Edited March 27, 2016 by Honchy