Crushes...

[Solarance]

Back again spreading my life struggles to you guys. Before I start, I would like to thank the members of the RJL for helping me with this topic a lot... Now let's get into it. TL;WR: I have a major crush on my (only) male friend, he's straight, says two females kissing but two guys is completely disgusting, and I'm on a completely homophobic soccer team that jokes around about gay things and throws the word Faggot around 24/7. And finally I've just spent the past 20 mins crying. That's fun. Onto somewhat meaty details.

I have a crush on the literal only male friend that I have at school and he appears to be very homophobic, but is okay with two females kissing. He is trying to get me into the straight dating scene, but of course that won't work for me. I use the excuse that I'm sheltered and my mother put an embargo on when I can date that just recently got removed, but I act uncomfortable with dating. He and his other friends like to call people faggot, gay boy, etc. if a guy does anything non-masculine. He got me to join the soccer team and that lead to even more homophobia, but me liking him more due to me seeing him shirtless. Spent the past 22 mins crying thinking how I can't get anyone in my life to like me and I'm just tired and afraid of living the straight facade life, not including what facade I live with my mom... I'm tired of this and need advice, please.

[Tacos]

Well, there's two ways to look at the soccer team situation. You could stay on the soccer team and listen to the constantly negative attitude of your teammates and thicken your skin when it comes to comments like that, as well as having your opportunity to peek at your friend without a shirt. Or, you can remove yourself from the situation by quitting said soccer team and also removing yourself from a situation in which you'd be able to see your friend shirtless.

I've been down this road before, and I know it's difficult, but if I had to choose one, I'd choose the second option I gave you. When you feel uncomfortable in a situation, you have every right to get out of it, and while I do understand that you may relish the idea of checking your friend out in the locker room, you're better off abstaining from that. Time and distance will get rid of that longing feeling you have. I've been through the "best friend is straight but I still like him" phase, and honestly all I did was distance myself from scenarios that could strengthen that attraction, and finding distractions so I wouldn't constantly be thinking about him. The sooner you realize that longing for someone who can't return the affection is worthless, the sooner you'll get over it. And let me tell you, what you think is a crush, is very minor. The guy I refer too was acting gay with me and I was genuinely convinced for a time that he was bisexual and I thought I had a chance. I doubt you're in that deep yet, so getting out of this won't be challenging.

The one thing I cannot help you with is helping with the homophobic attitudes of those around you. Most people who have the idea that homosexuality is wrong/a sin are too thick-headed to understand any sound argument from the opposition. It sounds awful, and I hate to recommend it, but your skin will thicken. And you will find people who will accept you for who you are eventually. And when you are able to be open with them, it's a wonderful, freeing experience. You can get through this, trust me. And until you can find those who are willing to accept you, just know that everyone here should be accepting of who you are.

[mde2001]

I know what you're talking about to a certain extent (also being a gay guy at a super homophobic school).

I think you need to make a distinction between attraction and love. So while you might be really attracted to your friend, in the end there is no way that a relationship would work with someone so homophobic. There are a lot of very nice looking guys, but if they don't accept you for who you are they aren't worth it.

This isn't meant to be uncaring or lacking understanding. I find plenty of guys in my year attractive, but have come to accept that I might be attracted to them, but need to accept that they aren't going to be the person that makes me happy in my life.

Also, in general, teenage boys are just stupid in general. Lots of them will mature hopefully, as a lot of them say horrible, homophobic things to fit in.

You'll find an amazing person who values you for who you are later in life and leave this person whose making your miserable behind. For now, it is okay be to attracted to the person, but try not to let their idiocy make you feel inferior, you're a much better person than them.

[Dark Desire]

the best advice i can give you is be smart in who you trust; high school can be a bitch when it comes to these matters especially in the first couple years but it does get better though, it's so much easier to express yourself in college

and for your family situation, if you believe your parents/family to be accepting enough, do tell them, it's nice to have that kind of emotional support there for you, and if not, i personally wouldn't tell them until your completely independent from them

[Ironbound]

Mmh, looks like what needs to be said has been said already. I may not be able to appreciate your situation, as I am not one who puts any stock in attraction, love and whatnot (there's probably a good reason why I'm shipped with a calculator) but in any case, I can understand the fact that you are tying yourself to a group merely out of a desire to be with a person whom you are attracted to. This one-sided attraction is also taking a somewhat different turn, I see, since you are being attracted by their body to the point where it is overriding your concern for their attitude towards your approach.

I agree with the premise that you ought to draw the line. The whole soppy crush thing is highly overrated, in my very frank opinion, and you'll find a proper partner later in life who will appreciate you for what you are, should you seek one. As has already been said by people probably much more appreciative of the premise than I, adolescence can inspire rather irrational behaviour. There is no profit in hankering after someone or in a society which is giving you a firm No.

And as for the façade-with-mom situation, I suggest you evaluate your options. If you think you are in a familial society which will accept your orientation, whatever it is, then there is no reason to not be frank with them. If not, then better draw the line even more firmly and live life. C'est la vie and all that, you know. You probably have better things to do and goals to accomplish; move on.

This is , of course, my two cents' worth in a public forum. You're free to think what you will of my opinion, since after all you asked for it. What I do hope you realise is that we are friends you can bank on, and that we wish you well.

[RainbowHugs]

I have slightly the same sort of issue, as some people know, I am lesbian myself, and because of this my crush is also straight, but none of the homophobia stuff, it can be really hard, I know, but sometimes there is honestly not much to be done, who knows really, but I know for a fact you will find someone who is right for you, hang in there

[Tomas Elliot]

May I point something out? As a straight guy, if I had a crush on a girl, and she made it very clear that she is lesbian and/or spent half her time throwing around prejudices about males, like "a girl raping a guy is ok, because chances are he wanted to bang her anyway, given that all males are perverts" (a line I actually have heard, and that offends me to no end), I would see fit to think that maybe, just maybe, she's not the girl for me. Even if she was my sole friend: I would find it very difficult to consider a "friend" someone who drops that kind of lines.

Your situation is the exact same thing: you have a "crush" on a guy who not only has made it very clear that he is hetero, but also spends half his time dropping homophobic slur. I am no expert of feelings and I do not claim to know the details of your life, but I would somehow be inclined to think that he's not the guy for you.

Just my two cents.

[NickCrash]

I believe you're clinging on him because you feel you have nowhere else to go. If the constant homophobic comments on his side do not offend you enough to break this friendship, keep him as a friend and at a distance. At this point, apart from voyerism, this relationship does not provide you with anything. Instead it hurts you. Stay in the football team (damn Americans) only if you like the sport. Not because someone dragged you into it.

Your childhood friends are NOT your world and you should realize that soon.

[SonOfRed]

Coming from a straight guy, just go for it. I can tell you what the worst possible out come is. No, it isn't then end of the world, and certainly isnt't the end of your love life. The worst possible thing is that he doesn't understand, and won't want to hang around you. If that is the case then let me ask you, why would you want to be friends with someone who can't like who you are. If he does understand but he doesn't want to date you or try things with you then just stay friends, people say that dropping feelings for a person is hard, but it's a lot easier if you never dated them in the first place, so you guys could still be friends. Also there is the possibility he dates you, but nmo matter the outcome something good will happen to you. You either weed out someone who isn't good for you, create a stronger bond between your friendship, or get a boyfriend. Win, win, win.

I'm not saying any of this out of ignorance either. I've been in a similar situation with a friend of mine, I ended up asking her out but she didn't think of me that way so we just kept being friends. Still are and I was actually gonna ask her out again because feelings bubbled up again haha. Things change over time, so maybe in the future he will develop feelings for you. YOU CAN DO IT CHAMP.

[Cool Girl]

I know what you're saying. I looked at your profile and I'm around the same age as you are. I'm also straight and dating a girl (if you want me to tell you who I'm dating 'cause you think it might help you with your issue, feel free to shoot me a PM). So, as someone who is in kinda of the same situation as you, just go for it, man! You got nothing to lose!

Edited April 6, 2016 by Cool Girl

[Solarance]

Thanks everyone... Sorry for not responding to all of you for a few days... I've just been taking your advice and applying it to my everyday life, I am still going to play on the soccer team due to my mother pushing me to play and because I am enjoying the sport. Luck has been against me this class rotational peroid as I now have 5 classes with said crush along with soccer. (I'm assigned to sit by him for 4/5 classes and we have to communicate a lot.) There is a side of me that feels he is just putting up an act (btw sorry if this is repeating from the OP a little) to fit in with the gay slang. I'm going to tell him tomorrow to remind me to tell him something at the end of the year and then I'll make my choice if I want to come out to him then. I'm leaving the state that summer to live with my dad so I guess I'm seeing it as leaving a mark, good or bad, on him...thank you again for the help.

EDIT: any awakard typos are done by autocorrect. It literally autocorrected the last statement to "methane you again for the help."

Edited April 10, 2016 by Solarance

[Kagamine]

Well, he is your friend but the double standard of fetishizing lesbians but demonizing gay men is messed up. About the soccer team thing, I'm super sorry to hear that! It stinks that you can't talk to your friend of your team about their actions, as that is out of the question. I don't know what age you are, I'm assuming high school, but I can tell you as a queer woman that it will get easier. Try to see if you can find a support group, lots of schools have a GSA. You don't have to join it if your school has one as to not out yourself, but maybe find who is in charge of it so you have someone or multiple people to talk to. College is a lot different, from my experience lots of colleges have more LGBTQIA people than high school did. I go to a catholic university and while I have found one or two other queer kids, others are very supportive friends.

When you're looking for colleges if you're going to college, you can find someone, perhaps in a counseling center, and ask if they have a GSA or other LGBT options. Because of a thing called HIPAA, they are NOT allowed to tell anyone and breach your confidentiality if you are over 18. Your guardians have access if you're under 18. This is for the US though, I'm not sure about globally.

Try your best to move on from your feelings for your friend, I know it's hard and you have no control over who you have feelings for, but it is possible. If you need to and want to, quit the soccer team and maybe take up another sport, or perhaps your township has a soccer team.

My BEST advice is, don't try to live a straight facade to make others happy or to quell them. I know you cannot come out now, but when you are on your own don't change yourself to make others happy.

Also, if you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here to help and listen.