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Ranting ahead.


Yuki

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Ahh, I see. Well, as I said over here it's compulsory until Transition Year, but most schools carry it on into that year and only stop at fifth year, so most people would do it until they're 16-17. Transition Year is an optional fourth year in most schools but it's compulsory in mine, unfortunately. It's basically a free year where we do nothing. Classes are split up into stuff like Photography and Law, which you wouldn't get to do usually, but you don't get any choice subjects - everyone has to do a little bit of everything, and you don't go any more in-depth in any subject than you would for the Junior Cert. The actual classes are forgone in favour of watching movies, most of the time. I was only just finished chemotherapy at the time, though, so I needed the free time to get better. I can't really complain in my case specifically.

Transition year?

Junior Cert?

What are those?

And let's press rewind again. Chemo? Which cancer do you have?

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Transition year?

Junior Cert?

What are those?

And let's press rewind again. Chemo? Which cancer do you have?

Okay, let's do this in order! :D Well, our version of high school (?) is called secondary school. You start when you're 12-13, in first year. At the end of third year, you have the Junior Cert, which is like a toned-down version of the Leaving Cert, which is the exam you do in sixth year to get into college. After your Junior Cert, you can go straight to fifth year or you can choose to do the optional fourth year, which is called Transition Year. TY is basically a doss year, the idea behind it of letting people be a year older before they have to choose what they want to do for the rest of their lives is a good one but it's just not executed properly imo.

As for cancer, I had acute myeloid leukaemia, some weird variation called NPM1 (I'm the first person in Ireland to get it, apparently D:) but I've been in remission for two years now so things are looking good. I got it when I was 15 and in third year so I didn't do my Junior Cert, I was in hospital for pretty much that whole year.

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I guess this is less a rant and more being pissed at myself.

Every time I play a game and forget to save and have to restart from an area, I immediately lose all.motivation. Oh, you forgot to save in Platinum and no have to redo about ten minutes of battling? Haha, fuck that, motivation gone.

Also I'm just agsgahshahsjshfhaj because I never have the money to get anything. Ehhh.

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For some reason, sometimes I just start feeling really sad (I feel you, Amumu) and I feel like crying but I can't identify why or even what's making me sad. It's just a feeling that comes over me and it makes me upset because generally I like to think I'm a pretty happy, peppy person.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't fucking get it. You obviously can't see that I care about you, and that when you're fighting or are upset, that I want you to stop. But sometimes you drive me to the point of yelling, when I don't mean too. When you talk to me like that, it hurts. Telling me not to miss you. That hurts. Everything hurts. My stomach hurts. My hands get shaky. My head spins, and I feel empty all over again...

And then you come back, apologize, and think everything'll be ok? It's not that easy...I won't be treated this way...especially by you...

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Im bored, and just about to explode. Im bored to the point where Ive done all my homework and did an 11 hour Okami run due to not having my laptop and playing WoT, LoL, TF2.

You want to know what being bored on this level feels like? It's fair to say that it's making me imagine things like kicking rare endangred baby wolf puppies in front of a PETA crowd and then blowing up the members with gamma ray atomic bombs. ( and no, i would not have the wolf puppies share that fate. im not that cruel)

Sejgnsdlifjgboiubsidfoviusgoiunerlitjnwerioiuosidfhvoisughtseiguhselitihlsekjfnvmvnaoerjnv svifnvsdinlsdkfnvlkdsfvsldkfh bsorifjvnseoihgoweitgheoru

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I guess this is less a rant and more being pissed at myself.

Every time I play a game and forget to save and have to restart from an area, I immediately lose all.motivation. Oh, you forgot to save in Platinum and no have to redo about ten minutes of battling? Haha, fuck that, motivation gone.

Also I'm just agsgahshahsjshfhaj because I never have the money to get anything. Ehhh.

All of this.

Writing a story and almost finished biggest chapter yet? Better acidentally press Back!

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I'll take your Latin lessons off your hands. I've been wanting to learn it lately but no school that I know provides classes.

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Hey, you, bitch over there. Please tell me....how....am I....a fucking 'Ratcheg Whore' When I've never had a fucking boyfriend? Or maybe you thought I was a mirror? Yeah. Fuck you.

I mean, I could say worse things about her, but I'm censoring myself for your own good and surpressing my rage. I don't want to like...birn your eyes out with all my angry cussing.

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copy pasting from a text wall message i just sent because that's easiest

Okay so basically it's the whole I realized I don't actually do anything contribute anything to anyone I can't remember to do the smallest things around the house and when I forget it's like a fucking nuclear disaster and I get yelled at and feel even more worthless and instead of reminding me to do these things when these people know I have a habit of forgetting its always "i shouldn't have to remind you" or "i work two jobs and all you do is sit around on yoour computer" like thanks for reminding me how absolutely useless I am- then there's the what do you want to do with your life thing and the when are you starting school when are you gonna learn to drive and all i can say is "i don't know" to everything because I don't and I'm basically a lost cause

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That's not as bad as going to one of those family parties, where your parents get piss drunk and can barely walk. And they refuse to let you drive because of their nonsensical, so you just have to sit in the passenger seat, being a damn co-pilot while they essentially have your teenage life in their drunken hands. It's happened so many time in the last 2 years for me that I refuse to go to any obligated family gathering...

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Ehhhh man, this is something and I can't really blame you for saying hate her, I would probably say the same. However, I can more or less get how you feel when you said that you don't know when the next outburst is coming, it is more or less the same thing with my mom without the condition that your mother has. But, that is all due to my mom having a very spiteful nature and with the way the my parent's marriage has been that past 4 or 5 years caused from a lot of factors that I still don't know the details about has caused the place that I call "home" a den of wolves in a sense. And well in the last 6 months I would say things have gotten in a way to be both bad and good. I'll start with the good, my parents are getting along with each again. And now the bad, as whole the family I once knew pretty much fell apart because 3 family members ended up jumping my dad at my nephew's birthday party. A party that I decided to not go to because I had my wisdom tooth pulled out earlier in the day so I stayed home and when my parents and sister came home, I see my dad all black and blue, along with my little sister crying her eyes out. I'll summarize what happened when they got home in short, dad raging and breaking doors and a table, mother calls cops, and dad gets arrested in front of my eyes for harassment, and was told to stay away from my sister and I, also the house will all in live together for a period of 3 weeks and he now has a criminal record because of that.

And now that fucked up beyond all reason incident now makes me look at everything that's around me to be nothing but a damn lie and leaves me with the antsy feeling of looking for a fight. Pretty much the whole thing stirred up something in me that I try to keep for coming out, my anger. I'll say this now, I'm not that great of a person and I guess what happened with my parents had a seriously fucked up effect on me knowing that I purposely discouraged and openly insulting girls tried to fix me into their ideal whatever, just to see how they would react. I know I'm a bastard for doing something like that more than just once and I won't justify it by saying that a majority of girls were trashy in the high school I graduated from. In a way the the incident that happened with my dad and excommunicated family members has me just wanting to go to their apartment in the bronx and just fight and beat them into a bloody pulp in front of everyone they know, so that they know how my dad felt to be humiliated in front of one of his children.

Everything that has led up until now for me, just leaves me with these really dark, fucked up feelings of wanting to cause a shitstorm and just let out this really big pool of violent aggression I have built up. I feel that whatever cheerful kid I used to be is in a sense dead because I literally don't trust anyone that knows me in real life, I turned my back on all the people I used to call friends, I pretty much despise anything to deal with relationships or love and I'm this emotionally detached person just walking around with this giant chip on my shoulder. What I find really sick and scares the living shit out of me is that I don't hate what I turned into and that I don't want to change it.

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Fuck you, I'm batman. If I get a gadget, don't get pissy. You said that you didn't want anything for your birthday, so you got nothing. I got the tablet for myself because I worked for it. Fuck off, I am Gotham's protector, the gadgets give me an edge on crime.

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The anger and the hatred is fine. But you better watch your fire. Won't do you any good to hurt the people who are trying to help you. How then are you any different from the senseless bullshit that surrounds you? Be a man and point your anger only where it belongs.

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Ehh man it seems like I'm just having really bad luck this week. Tuesday I strain my neck while sparring in Jiu-Jitsu and yesterday the sneakers I wore that I leave on this shoe rack in the lockerroom when I went to go train were stolen. I can only assume that they were stolen because there when any other extra pair of sneakers that were left. I can't say that I'm not mad about it cause those sneakers I wore did have a bit of sentimental value. I'm more disappointed that it was a shitty end to a good day, since I was told by most of my professors that I'm in good standing for getting an A in their courses. The thing that has me feeling all in a rut is that I now have to stop going to the dojo that I've been going to for the last 6 months, and honestly I like training there a lot. Unfortunately, I don't have much say in the whole thing because my mom blew a fuse so it's either stop going to the dojo or get kicked out of the house. Honestly, I don't even make enough money to be able to live by myself, so I have to go and cancel my membership there today and I know it's probably going to set me back a couple hundred dollars and my mom is going to be pissed at me for god knows how long. The part that sucks about this the most is that I was already planning to get a cake for my mom's birthday since its this Sunday and because normally I didn't have money to get her anything the last couple of years. But, knowing the way she thinks she'll probably think that I'm just getting her a cake to get back in her good graces...

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