Amor austero

[Kurotsune]

When I was born, I was given two names.

One by my mother and one by my father. My mother believed in this concept of a "true name", as in, your "true name" is something to be known by you and your loved ones only. The other name was just a reflection, a mirror. It didn't matter.

That's probably why I've never been attached to names anyway, and at the same time it's probably why I like to give people nicknames. Names are important.

My name was given to me because my mother wanted me to be someone who would put the weight of the world on their shoulders, and still be able to carry it.

In some weird way, from when I was born, while I may not have been destined to, I was certainly intended for greatness.

Throughout my life, that is one fact that I was never allowed to forget. "You are meant for great things", my mother oft would tell me. "Your father and I - We think you to be the one who will achieve the most in their lives." Soon, the person who would remind me of this was myself - "I am meant for great things. I can do more. Better."

To say, then, that my life has been a constant search for the impossible goal of perfection would certainly not be an incorrect notion. It's important for me to expose this ideal now, because the point I want to make hinges on this mentality.

When I was eight, I lost my virginity. A cousin wanted to play a game. I was unaware of what the "game" was or what it entailed. And so I indulged, unwittingly, and partook in a "game" that would change that view my parents had of me and that I had of myself for a long time.

By the time I understood what I had done, I had developed trauma. Through sex, I had lost control of my life. Thus, through sex, I attempted to regain this control. Be with my cousin or with others during my adolescence, I had zero focus, zero self-esteem, achieved zero results and was seen as little more than a walking mess.

My parents by then had completely abandoned me. Through the entirety of my life, my father has attempted to kill me thrice. My mother turned a blind eye to it every single time. Every time I reached out for help, I was shut down.

But the worst thing in my life came when I decided to accept that I could not be redeemed. That there was no salvation for me. That the inherent fact was that I am flawed. Broken. That nothing I could ever do would ever change the fundamental truth that I was doomed to failure at every turn.

All that happened before I became fifteen years of age. When I reached that age, the last nail was placed upon my coffin. I was told by my father that if I had intention of solely sleeping my way through life, I had no need for an education. And, thusly, that he would not pay for one.

At that moment there was only one thing I was good at in my life. English. I had grown fascinated due to a trip to disneyland where I got lost. I've always been an imaginative child, and oft would get lost in my own thoughts. After getting lost there I became fascinated with the language and set out to learn how to use it. Quickly, I became very proficient in it, and by the time my father informed me that he'd no longer be paying for my education I was good enough to teach.

So that's what I did. I took the test CAMBRIDGE gave out for english proficiency (PET) and used it to convince parents of my classmates to hire me as a private tutor. Cheaper and certified, I was the better choice in most cases and since I was already familiar with the students and content, I didn't lack for potential customers. I couldn't really do much more than just barely pay for my own tuition, though. The fact that I had now to struggle to gain it awakened within me a hunger for knowledge that I had never had before. I was now working to earn my right to be there, and I was going to make full use of it.

I still didn't really apply myself since I never was a good learner. I never had learned how to learn; I wasn't good at understanding concepts as they were given to me. But now I was driven. I wanted to get better and while I didn't achieve major success during high school, I managed to get into university. I also discovered I was really good at mathematics, and thus started teaching that too, which meant more money.

By the point I started my first major - Economy - I was making enough to pay for my tuition and have some left over. I still lived with my parents, and they didn't refuse me food, but I was tired of it. So I started seeking more and more clients among my classmates, and soon enough I had achieved enough to rent an apartment I was never ever at since I was out working all day, every day. Weekends included.

Soon enough, however, I discovered economy wasn't for me. When seeing an article about neural networks and how they were used to scam people out of their money, I realized the work I would have to do conflicted extremely with my ethical compass. I wasn't willing to let myself breach my already-fragile moral code and so I jumped ship.

And then I got breast cancer.

It was a surprise but ultimately a really, really lucky assumption. Once it was discovered, it was discovered to being in really early stages. So early in fact, that it could be removed with a simple surgery, with little to no chance of remission. The process was done, and I was told I could simply wake from my surgery and go home.

I couldn't believe that it would be so simple. I was, of course, right.

When I woke up I woke up to one of the worst pains I had felt in my life, and none I have ever felt since has ever compared. It felt like my chest was going to explode. I pleaded with the nurse to have my doctor be called, but was repeatedly told he was unreachable while progressively being administered heavier anesthetics.

At circa 8pm that day, my doctor came see me of his own volition - as the hospital in fact had made no attempt to even contact him - and his decision to do so saved my life.

He discovered I had burst an artery and spent the entire day suffering from internal bleeding. When he inspected me, my right breast was the size of a melon. I was literally bloated with blood.

700ml of blood were removed from the wound in a rushed operation. I wish I could say that was the end, but it was the beginning.

I don't remember much of what happened next. I remember being laid to sleep.

Waking up. Blacking out.

Waking up on the floor. Screaming. Thinking I would die. Blacking out again.

Waking up a third time. Doctors all around me. I'm told not to sleep. Someone presses my toes, asks me if I felt them. My father is a doctor. I knew right then I was going to die - They don't ask you that type of thing unless they think you suffered brain damage.

I was dragged to the ICU. I couldn't think. I remember feeling the pain but not reacting to it. My body felt numb. Sluggish. Drained.

It'd be a month before I left the hospital. Six before all aftereffects of the surgery had vanished from my body.

When I fell, my stitches burst, and blood oozed inside of my system. It created a gigantic bruise that went down the entirety of the right side of my body, covering it in a thick, dark, purple color which appeared rotten. I remember having frequent panic attacks when I tried to shower.

I remember I cried every single day for months. I remember wishing I had died.

Since I couldn't leave my house, I couldn't work. Since I couldn't work, I couldn't make money. Since I couldn't make money, all my savings were quickly drained while I was constantly threatened by my parents not to sue the hospital - Since my father worked there and was afraid to lose his job.

I remember by the end of it I had made the conscious decision to stop eating at times for a whole week so I could save money. By the time the treatment was fully completed, I had no money left to do anything.

I had kept all these facts hidden from my friends until this point. With no money and not finding any prospective of a job, I confided in a close friend of mine. That day, it was his turn to save my life.

My friend moved all of our common connections to help me keep myself alive. Money for food, clothes, to pay my rent, etc, was all lent to me to assist in my recovery under my promise of paying every cent back when I could. To this day, there is no achievement I have ever made that made me prouder than the day I was able to keep that promise.

With their assistance, I started learning again. At that time, I was an eighteen year old. I tried gastronomy, and while I enjoyed it, I knew it wasn't for me. Instead, I was convinced to try out software engineering.

It was the first time in my life I understood what it was to be a genius. "Natural talent" is the only way to describe the natural synergy I have with software engineering. From day one, I had found myself within the code. I was a prodigy in every sense of the word, and I was recognized for it.

When I was nineteen I got the job that would define my career at the company I work at to this day. That was also when I first met Alice.

But I would rather not approach the subject of Alice. It would be too easy for me to get lost in her, too easy for me to let her take the focus away into herself. I've spoken of her before, in the nightclub, and I elect that one story to be the summarization of all that she was in my eyes within this place.

Know that I loved her, and that years after all of those tales, we were engaged. Know she died.

Ever since I had started working there, that was the second time in my life where I accepted the "reality" that I was simply unfixable. That I was doomed for failure. That no matter how much I struggled against fate, at the end of the day, fate would always win.

That was also when I became an alcoholic. I don't like to use that word, but some within this community have seen my propensity to drinking my problems away and that for a long time this was my immediate reaction when put under stress. To accept that issue was and still is one of the greater challenges I have faced.

Even then, eventually I came to realize the truth. I am still alive. I am still here. Through every thing that has happened to me, every day of misery, every sorrowful event, every time fate has stepped in my face - Every time, I still survived. I got better. I became stronger. I came out on top.

I don't pretend to hold all solutions to life's greatest mysteries. I don't pretend to have the solution to every problem.

But I have recently come to realize that despite everything I've went through, at the end of the day, I still am the one keeping myself up. I still am the one fighting for my life. So if I seem arrogant to you, let me arrogantly say - I think I deserve it.

But the point of all of this isn't to just share what I have accomplished. It's not to make myself seem grander than I think I am. It's not just the idea of gaining attention or getting props. It's to convey a message.

Today is my birthday, and I’d like this day to mean a little bit more than just a celebration that today I was born. I’d like today to represent the day we all stop making up excuses for ourselves and move towards changing our lives. I’d like this day to be the day we begin to actively work towards being happy, instead of waiting for happiness to find us. It won’t.

Some of you think that parts of you or you as a whole are rotten, yet too often I hear you saying "That's just my nature". "There is no way". "Nothing can be done". That doesn't exist. No one knows all solutions, and so no one knows if they will all fail.

Understand that life is not inherently good. The ones who lead a good life start to finish are the really lucky few. To most, life is difficult. It's sorrowful. What changes whether you ever achieve happiness is not destiny, it's whether or not you can find within yourself the will to keep fighting, no matter what is thrown your way. No matter how much it hurts - Especially because of how much it hurts. If only to prove fate wrong one last time. If only to show the world you can.

Whether or not you see me as the villain of your story, whether or not you like me or hold me in contempt, understand that there is only one thing I want you to learn from all this.

My name is Caritas.

And if I can do it, so can you.

[Raindrop Valkyrie]

lol, it's times like these, I really reflect on myself and see how much the things I've faced, are just a drop in the bucket compared to some. The pain I've felt all the struggles in myself. They seem to pale in comparison. I hardly know of pain. And yet I've felt so hopeless in my life so broken and unable to fi myself. Least for a time. I've been told to my face that I am a monster for having feelings for someone. A person I trusted. I took it much to close to heart. I know now, that it was stupid to listen to that... stupid to let those feelings control me. False feelings that still haunt my heart. ANd It's so small... one event did this to me. 1 thing that as a muh younger child... I didn't fully understand at the time.

It just reminds, how much you never know about a person until they tell you themselves. It's why I don't judge people. You never know the struggle they carry with them, the burden. You don't know what pain resides in their heart. I hate this, I hate how invisible said wounds are. I hate it more than anything else. Cause my own wounds are large... I can't imagine how large they are for others. It's why I always strive to understand and empathize... before condemn. Because, I don't know why someone is who they are, until they tell me. Until I get the insight. You never know their story. It's through empathizing with others though, that I've understood my own pain and learned about myself. Learned what other pain feel like... what it does to others. And, in understanding more people, I slowly more and more understand myself.

I'm still pretty much nothing. I'm jsut some Forlorn Shadow. A person who really doesn't matter. But... I'm still trying to matter, learning, becoming and striving to do something. I find that all the nicknames, the names that people give me... are proof that despite my thoughts, the things I do, have meaning and matter. I've been affectionately called many different things. I'm not going to stop trying to defeat my own demons etc... the things that haunt me. Cause you know, I'm human. I matter. I've already started my own journey. The hardest part... is making the resolve to do so. To stop giving up on yourself. Despite how much I hate what I am... that's temporary. I've began to strive for more. To better understand what I am and who I am.

Fate exists in my opinion. But, Fate isn't something fixed, or set. I don't like the assertion that it is a thread. That it can be cut and severed to be changed, or remain intact, and that is the only two options. TO me, Fate is like clay. It has no shape and no form, until you give it one. Only by your hands can you pick it up and shape it. It will become something, through either your action or inaction. But, it's your hands that shape it and the only ones that can.

I, have started my own journey already. I've started before today. If any are lost... if you were like me before... start walking forward. Start trying, start doing. Because unless you try to fix yourself, try to chnage things... nothing will chnage. And, never stop trying. Because you fail once doesn't me you will always fail. Pick yourself up and never stop moving forward. For motion, moving is life. TO stop and stagnate... is as good as death. Always stride forward. ALways be moving. ANd if you reach an obtsacle you don't know how to pass, find a way to pass it. It may not be the first thing you think of, it might be the 50th. But you'd never know if you jsut sit down and stop trying at the 2nd. TO stagnate, to stop... is as good as death. Because you stop forging your path. Never stop. Move.

[Gaunt]

Happy birthday?

...

Most of your life was painful (much more than mine) but you still managed to succeed (not just survive) that's what important. My goal in life is to make one person (me) happy and that is what i aim for every single day and nothing will stand in my way.

[Honchy]

I don't know what to say, really. I'm stunned, but happy birthday anyways!

I'm just glad you're happy c:

[Tartar]

Reborn attracts quite interesting people it seems.

The piece was well written, and I do feel like I know you a bit better now. And while reading the story I kind of realized that I couldn't relate with anything in it, which kind of made me feel weird.

I've cruised through life with only minor bumps, walking a path which was paved by others people whom I chose to imitate. I have so far just been a cog in a huge machinery following the path of so many millions of other people in the world. Doing whatever society expected of me, nothing more, nothing less. Always making sure not to stand out too much, because the society I live in frowns upon showcasing individual success and achievement, not that this bothers me, its merely a fact of life for me.

This arbitrariness through which our paths in life are decided kind of irks me, though at the same time its an inescapable fact. Random variables are what decided that everyone on this forum had have led different lives. Life is arbitrary, its random and still due to how my life has been so far I overwhelmingly see the world we live in as a good one. A result of this is that I have absolutely no ability to empathize with people who've had to struggle in life, and have a hard time believing the utter depressive pessimism showcased in your post.

I know this is unfair, since I'm merely projecting my own worldview onto you, but I really do believe that we all have experiences and memories that we cherish. Happiness is subjective, but in the end something that everyone experiences. Your piece cruised was a tour through many of the bad events that happened throughout your lifetime, barely skimming over some of your more pleasant experiences.

Perhaps you'll write another piece in a few years showcasing the good events in your life. Until then, happy birthday.

[Zumi]

I have no other words than that I have so, so SO much respect for you that you're still walking around on this planet after all the things you've gone through in your life, and that you've found the motivation and courage to keep going. I can only wish for you it'll keep getting better for you from here on out, Kuro.

Happy birthday, and I hope many, many more will follow for you!

[mde2001]

I never knew just how much you have been through Kuro, and now I have even more respect for you. You're much stronger than I am or ever will be, and still manage to be an amazing, dedicated person despite circumstances that would make most people just give up.

You've made something good out of a life that has attempted to sabotage you in every way and I hope that you continue to make the most out of your life.

So, Happy Birthday Kuro! You really deserve to have a great day.

[Maelstrom]

Happy birthday, Caritas. I'm still gonna be more comfortable calling you Kuro.

I'd have more to say but talking about emotions, condolences, and things aren't my strong point. and I've gotta run to meet up with people atm

[Commander]

"What would happen if I died today? Would people even miss me?"

I've sadly asked myself that question many times and always come up with a simple answer: yes, but only for a little while. We've all had are struggles, but yours are leagues beyond anything I've ever had to face. I had a feeling you had a hard life, but I never knew it was that hard. I suppose it just has to do with speaking with so many people in my lifetime. You can learn quite a bit by how they speak, but rarely do you ever get the full story. My story is best saved for another day as it's your day and it should be celebrated in your honor.

There are three things you need to do to change yourself. The first is to admit that there's a problem. I suppose you could argue this is the hardest step, but it's honestly the easiest step since it's just words. The second step is to try and fix the problem. Easier said then done to do something knowing you'll fail, then to not try it at all. The final step is to just never give up, which is the hardest one. It's easy to quit, painless even. It's because people aren't willing to do these three things why so many people use excuses. People can change, but people really don't want to.

Call it odd, but fate has a funny way of functioning. You've almost died more than once, but you didn't. You've suffered through so much but managed to make it through. I didn't believe in fate for a while but everything in my life always points back to one direction: forward. You could assume life it testing you and seeing how strong you really are, or you could merely see it as misfortune. I'm not one to judge on the matter, but I prefer the former.

[Shamitako]

Well, um, life. Life sucks

My parents aren't as pushy as yours. Although at the same time they've threatened to throw me out (and I honestly wish they'd gone through with it more often than not). But I can kind of relate to feeling forced into seeking perfection

I'm sure I could say more, but I'd likely end up simply being insensitive. but it always interests me to hear stories of your life

[Marcello]

I'm sure I've made it pretty clear to you plenty of times that I really respect you, Kuro. But in case I've not flat out said it enough: I really freakin' respect you.

Everyone has been through things, of course, but you have been through so much more than I can say I ever have, and yet here you are. Despite anything and everything, you're here, you're inspiring, and you're frankly brilliant. And I'll be damned if that doesn't make me want to work harder every single time it crosses my mind. Good teachers deserve good students, and I really do what I can to try and give you that.

Here's hoping you're having a good day, and have many more good days to come.

[Alchemia Chan]

I am rather speechless after reading this the first time.

And I still am.

Gives me more a reason to look up to you in respect.

I wish nothing but the best for you like what you have always been striving for.

Happy Birthday Kuro-san.

*I hope you get better soon*

[LemonJones]

That was an interesting read.

Happy Birthday.

[Chevaleresse]

I wish I could dignify this with a proper response, but I guess I'll just say two things: one, happy birthday, and two, I have gained a massive amount of respect for you. Not that I didn't respect you before; you were already fairly high on that list, but you know what I mean. Props to you for dealing with all of that, and not trying to use it as a crutch in the interactions we've had.

[Polaris]

Words could not possibly articulate how much respect I have for you. It really takes such a strong person to openly share their life and their hardships with a whole community. I applaud you for your resilience, your strength, and for holding a rather optimistic outlook on the future, especially after everything you've endured throughout your life. I really think a lot of people can reflect off of your experiences and put their own issues into perspective. And you're completely right to say I can get through any affliction of mine, because you did it, and that's such a powerful thing to realize. Thank you for this, really.

[Kurotsune]

First of all, I'd like to appreciate all messages here. Support or non, one of the things I was most afraid of sending this post (besides the exposition it implied) was whether or not the message would get through.

I get that everyone tells you to fight for your dreams, or that everyone says that with enough dedication anyone can turn their lives around.

Full disclosure, I don't believe that's entirely true. I believe there are situations when things just can't get better and that's one of the unfortunate realities of life.

That's not what I see within this community though. Everyone here has mountains to climb, but they are still just mountains. Put enough effort into it and you'll soon enough reach the peak.

I know it's difficult, but I was hoping to show - by example - that no matter how much the cards are stacked against you, you can still play the game to win. And if you can't, bluff. And other poker metaphors.

What matters is, you can`t give up. Ever. I wanted to show, by example, that if you keep trying, that doesn't mean they stop getting worse. No one reaches a point in their lives where nothing affects them anymore.

That said, if you keep trying, you learn how to deal with things better. Each blow hurts less. So keep your chin up, y'all. That's all I wanted to say.

[Strider]

Well...I'm glad to have read that. It helps me put my own life in perspective, and it's motivating for me. I hope you're future will be brighter than you're past.

Good luck!

[Chase]

I for one will be infinitely more comfortable calling you Caritas. Happy Birthday friend.

The reason I say that isn't because Kuro is a terrible name, but because I feel that I owe it to you to hold you to yourself, as you did for me. Know that your unexpected form of aide when I was half dragging myself out of the dark and half getting shoved into the light was extremely appreciated (and genuinely put me in a state of shock for a fair amount of time given our disputes).

Identity aside, your road goes without saying it. It's been rocky and it's been one that has seen many lows and highs.

There are elements I can relate to. My father isn't winning any "Dad of the Year" awards any time soon, and familial abuse is a valid reason as to why. I can't say it's escalated to the brink of death, not even once, but I will arrogantly assume that at least at one point or another you felt as if your father wasn't on your side. I know that I did mine.

Preaching to the choir - you are the one who can overcome everything else. Your victories in academia and sustaining yourself without someone to hold your hand at times are a living testimony. Alcoholism is a self-serving demise - but you're still here and likely know that it won't be yours. Loss is - for all of us - inevitable, because you, me, and many others on this board and every living thing that has a large-enough amount of time on this rock have experienced it.

Hi Caritas. I'm Hunter.

Thanks for being an inspiration, a worthy opponent, and an amazing person.

[Maelstrom]

When shit goes down, nothing to do but carry on. Because things get better all the time, with some time. Even if you gotta struggle to get there. Even if the old armor takes a dent you can't buff out. We've got lives to live, new bits of happiness to discover and experience. But it never happens if you just let go and give up. And you know that. You've lived it. And you've got more coming up ahead.

[Alaris]

Wow... -I mean, I just don't know what to say. I can't just even try to imagine the feelings you must have had in all of those situations.

To be honest, my life has been very easy, from this point of view. I don't know what would have I done if any of that happened to me. I suppose you see life from a very particular point of view right now. You probably have learnt how to deal with it. I'm really afraid of that. Of life itself, I mean. In the sense that I just don't know how to manage it. Of course I do not envy what has happened to you, but I'd like to be able to value things as you might do right now.

I don't know if I have expressed myself properly... English is not my first language either, and expressing myself has never been one of my strong points. ^^U

Just a question... why this topic title?

[Kurotsune]

Just a question... why this topic title?

Sort of glad I have the chance to explain that, to be honest.

Amor austero means harsh or inflexible love in portuguese, my mother language. It's sort of a reflection of how I act - I'm not a kind or good person in any way, shape or form, but I always try to help. I just don't coddle anyone. Not a single time I've been coddled really helped me, it only made things feel better for a short while without solving the actual reason

And also, in a way, it's how I see my life. Harsh love is perhaps the best way to describe it. I've been through my fair share, but every inch of that has built me towards the person I am right now, and that person is someone I can be proud of.

[Tartar]

This was all I could think of when the title was mentioned:

[Alaris]

I'm sorry but I don't understand this comic ú.ù

Amor austero means harsh or inflexible love in portuguese, my mother language. It's sort of a reflection of how I act - I'm not a kind or good person in any way, shape or form, but I always try to help. I just don't coddle anyone. Not a single time I've been coddled really helped me, it only made things feel better for a short while without solving the actual reason

I asked because in Spanish, 'austero' means simple, without luxury. And I did'nt really get it. Thanks for the explanation

[NatJones]

From what I have just read, you are one of the strongest people, you have faced hardships in your life that others can only begin to imagine and have come out the other side still fighting.

Reading this has made me see that I can fight too, I can stop myself from drowning.