Ask me nothing, Jon Snow

[Eviora]

Hello everyone. Recently, I've found myself a bit on the bored and depressed side, and since I have time to spare and can be an attention whore when I want to, I thought I'd make a topic chronicling whatever I feel like talking about at the moment. A sort of journal, appropriately enough. Despite the whimsical name I've given this thread, you can ask questions (unless you're Jon Snow), comment, share your own experiences, and the like - this is a forum, after all. However, this thread is expressly not an AMA, and for goodness' sake, don't try to debate me here. I do acknowledge that I'm a bit selfish to make a thread just about me, but I expect it will die a swift death and that will be the end of it, so whatever.

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First topic - obsession! I tend to be a bit crazy, and one of my afflictions is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (OCD) It drives me to do a lot of rather silly things. For one, I collect a thing call mounts (animals/machines you ride around on) in the notorious World of Warcraft. You don't have to know anything about the game to get the gist of it - these items are often among the hardest to get in the game, and the worst of them are usually hiding below exceedingly low drop rates. Lately, I've been after one in particular, an item that has a drop rate of around 1 in 2000. Since my luck is atrocious, I've done over 2400 attempts on the thing and haven't gotten it. (Though I've had the pleasure of watching others who didn't know of its existence get it several times.) My desire to actually own the item is all but gone by now; I have better mounts already. But this nasty little urge in the back of my head prods me to keep trying and trying and trying, even though doing so drains the life out of me.

Of course, this is completely irrational. I know very well that I would enjoy the game a lot more if I would just accept that it's not going to drop. This is not the first time I've been in this position, though it is perhaps the worst. Time and again, I've pursued similar items, finally looted them, and... nothing. A pang of relief to be done with the hunt at best. Yet no matter how many times I drill that fact into my mind, when I try to put the item aside, it never lasts for long. Someday, I'll get it - and another item will come along to take its place. I'll remain stuck in this cycle of cycles until the game dies off, because I'm too weak to break it.

Of course, silly items in a video game aren't my only obsessions. I have plenty of others, ones that drive me to a place of perfectionistic insanity, ones that form exceedingly irritating habits that interrupt me all the time, and ones that manifest themselves in the form of ideas and narratives that amass like tumors growing in the back of my mind, fed by every thought and experience they can stomach - and often by each other. Usually, they're self-sabotaging, dark little notions - another branch of my insanity. You've already seen a glimpse of one of them - the idea that my luck will always be poor. Of course, that is demonstrably not the case in many aspects of my - I have loving parents, for instance - but that does little to snuff out the inner monologue. By now, the stories I tell myself have become so frequent that I'd place some of them near the core of who I am.

Well, this has gotten a bit gloomy. If you couldn't tell, I'm quite the pessimist. =p Anyway, if you relate to any of that, feel free to share your experiences. Maybe knowing that I'm not alone will help me feel better. (Probably not. <3)

Edited July 21, 2016 by Eviora

[Chase]

*opens his mouth*

*shuts it*

[arcoathena]

I have found a fellow pessimist

I developed OCD when I was in elementary, and I really thought I was crazy. I once almost died because I felt like I absolutely had to touch this random spot in the street, so I ran off from my family and almost got hit by a car. (I didn't get to touch the spot).

I would repeat things in my head like "I don't hate god, I don't hate god", because I was terrified of divine punishment as a child (which is funny cuz now I don't even believe in him). I would obsess over little details, like "my friend is starting to sound differently when she talks to me. she doesn't like me anymore) Every time I went to bed I'd have all of these thoughts run through my head again and again. When I woke up, I would feel at peace for a moment, and I remember clearly my heart sinking when all of the thoughts came back to me.

This was all when I was a child. I tried to explain to some people, but they wouldn't understand. I felt absolutely alone and super weird. I had no idea I had a mental disorder until one day, when I was like 12, I looked up the symptoms, and it just directed me to a page about OCD. I think I cried because of how relieved I was. I literally thought no one else went through what I did, and to find out it even had a name helped me a lot, and eventually I accepted it.

Some time in 7th grade (I was like 14) I developed anxiety and depression. This is sad to me because I clearly remember being able to play the violin and perform in front of others and feel good about it, even happy and pride. Starting 7th grade, I began to have horrible anxiety and eventually couldn't perform for my orchestra and band (which was tough, because I was first chair, the leader) I tried to get out of performing all the time. I'd fake being sick, lie that my mother wouldn't let me. I let my fellow orchestra and band members down a lot. Fortunately, I didn't get out of it much, so I sucked it up and performed my solos (meaning, just me playing in front of a huge audience. not easy) Sometimes I performed really well, sometimes I fucked up my solos entirely. God, I remember my hand shaking and not even being able to hold the bow, much less play properly.

That was just the anxiety. At this time of my life, I began to feel worthless and hopeless. I would think I would never succeed. This was bizarre because I was one of the best students, even taking high school classes in middle school. But depression doesn't choose its victims. You could have everything in the world and still feel worthless as a human being, and feel that you will never get out. I would lose the confidence and ambition that I used to have. I would dream really big, and I would be so sure I could make it, now I sometimes can't even get out of bad.

My depression got inherently worse when high school began. Freshman year I started seeing a therapist and got my OCD, anxiety, and depression diagnosed officially. I was then hospitalized because they feared I would kill myself. I shared a roof with other suicidal and even homicidal people. People that were addicted to drugs, traumatized, raped, and I was a goody goody with straight A's and a big house. I feel ashamed for my depression, because I have everything I need. But again, depression doesn't choose its target.

Sophomore year I broke down and left school. I had a terrible break up, my first heartbreak ever and it nearly drove me to suicide, so I knew it was best for me to leave. I now take my classes online and am almost done with school, and I'm ahead of everyone else, so I'm being productive. I'm planning to join the military as soon as I finish, so that I can do something worthwhile with my life, as I feel like I have wasted my time on Earth so far. Routine like waking up, going to school, hanging out with friends, working, studying, and then going to sleep and repeating is not living. I want to be proud of myself.

I still see my psychiatrist and take pills for my mental disorders, and even though lately I have felt empty and hopeless, and extremely bitter towards the world, I think I am better than how I was in the hospital.

I just told you so much omg sorry this was so long (and it was only a little bit too)

Like I said before, I am always here for ANYONE who wants to talk. I am a depressed pessimist myself, so I may not be of help, but I will always be there. We do not need introductions, to be friends, nothing. Just hit me up and tell me anything you want.