[CW: One-Off] Curses and a Heavy Heart

[Raindrop Valkyrie]

How does one know if they are cursed?

Is there even an answer to that question? I would suppose no true one. And yet, here I am asking. But, one can hardly blame the likes of me for asking it. Forever burdened to carry a heavy heart. One that absorbs only pain, suffering, and grief. It never stops bleeding before yet another wound is cut into it's surface. When the last has finally knit shut something else comes along to tear the fabric open once more. Because... only normal people are allowed the time to heal... must be why right?

I feel the spiderwebs in my chest... weighing down my soul. They cling to all aspects of who I am. They choke the life from who I am and what I am. I cannot feel without fear that it is the wrong feeling, that I'm doing something I'm not allowed. I cannot care about things for fear that they'll be driven away from me... despite trying to hold them close. Perhaps, it is caring to much that pushes on the barrier and makes everything slowly drift away.

When I speak, it feels like no words come out. As if they evaporated before I even spoke. My words don't feel like they have power with anyone. As if they are just a formality... something there, solely for the purpose that it can be ignored. At times, I feel like I'd be better off if they just sewed my jaw shut. Because that way I couldn't make the mistake of thinking people actually cared about anything I had to say. To me, I only speak when I have reason to. But, it only rings hollow for the world. As if there was no purpose in my speaking.

I feel like I'm drowning in the world whenever I choose to venture out into it. In the sounds, the sights, the amount of words and information being sent at me all at once. I'm not comfortable. However... I'm not allowed to be uncomfortable. People talk to me, and look at me like feeling uncomfortable in this world is some kind of sin. That being different to them is some kind of... problem. That I'm broken because I don't value the same as they do. People... aren't something I find solace in. I find solace in myself, in my mind. I find it in isolation. But, so often I've been told this is wrong. That it is incorrect to believe so. And yet, these same people that tell me it's wrong are the ones that hurt me and prove me right time and time again.

I don't make promises I don't intend to keep. I'm told I'm not trusting enough...

I try to solve my own issues and not burden others with my problems. I'm told I'm too selfish.

I just... am tired. I don't know how to be proud of what I am... because I'm only told I'm not allowed to exist. By everyone whether or not they realize it. People tell me I need to grow and change... become more comfortable with people... but... do I? I shouldn't be required to change myself to matter. And yet... I find that I have to. I find that people tell me things just to get me to disappear. They tell me what I want to hear so that I'm not their problem anymore.

ANd if I ever stand up for myself... I'm the one who is wrong.

I am never allowed to stand up for who I am without being cut down. Because how dare he be different, how dare he know who he is and protect himself?!?!!? Whenever I stand... I only get knocked to the ground. Because the writhing mass has some issue with different. They expect me to understand why they are so cruel and refuse to allow me without ever listening to me. They cut off my words when I try to give them understanding... They wonder why I must be so adversarial. It's because I've never been allowed to be peaceful. The world only wants to flush me out and destroy what I am. And I'm expected to let it do so. They expect me to simply allow it. And yet, they never consider that I may love what I am. That despite my scars... my flaws... that I may consider myself beautiful.

But, because of others I'm deemed too dangerous to exist. Too dangerous to understand, and I'm met with only hostility as a result. I'm tired of being judged on the merits of others. I'm tired that because my words have no value, others can write my story for me and act as if I was the one that created the narrative. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my nature to use me... and then, once they finish, demonize me so they can justify their disgusting actions. I'm tired of being treated as sub-human... as if I'm lesser because I'm different.

I'm tired of having all this weight piled onto my heart that I never asked for.

I'm tired of being told I am cursed when I am anything but.

And if this is what humans think is acceptable to do to someone... I don't really want to be human anymore. But, I have no choice in that matter. And so I'll just have to endure it. I'll have to live with something that others do not just because the great weight known as "society" deems it so. Once more to be judged on something I have no control over. Sadly, the only curse I have... is being human.

[Felicity]

See, the funny thing about expression is that it had become a lot more difficult to do so with the internet because these unique feelings are echoed somewhere else, thus they are not unique. Eventually, people will walk away because this expression is not quite as scintillating as whatever new trend there may be. Tortured souls are no longer seen as emotionally beautiful.

The sad thing about expression is that it needs someone else to listen and respond somehow, to validate it. Otherwise, what was the point? But if this pain isn't interesting, then ninety percent of people will leave. They don't have a responsibility here after all.

The pathetic thing about expression, or rather those who want to express themselves, is that the people who are around and willing to listen tend to be over looked. People are too busy looking at themselves and how they feel.

The best thing about expression though? The aspect that makes it worth it? Do it enough to no avail and you might realise who your friends are. Try looking around for a second, instead of inside.