[CW / Feedback]: The Man

[Cool Girl]

So, me and a couple of others wrote this short story together. Let me know what you guys think of it!

I was becoming quite bored at the house, my wife was stressed and cleaning, my kids were all visiting, and his grandchildren were running around the house and screaming. I needed to get out of the house; I desperately needed a break from the chaos. I went to my shed where I kept all of my tools, and took off straight for the woods.

I began walking, wearing my white blouse shirt with a black vest over it. My curly frizzy hair and my small circular glasses made me look like a mad scientist. I felt slightly like one too. I passed by a hundred of trees, bushes, plants and weird animals. The sky was quite grey and the sun was barely able to be seen. My mood matched the weather at that moment. As I continued walking, I became a lot more relaxed, but not by much. All of a sudden, from the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow. About two seconds later, I shrieked and jumped in shock.

A man was standing by a tree, which made it hard to see him. The stranger was weirdly starring at me, as we continued to make eye contact for seconds that felt like minutes. He then noticed the axe I was holding in my arms. I could tell he was curious as to what I was planning on doing with the axe, and I could tell he became quite curious. There was no doubt in my mind that I intimidated this man. He then asked, "Are you planning on cutting down a tree with that axe?" I replied "Yes sir, I need wood for my fire." Immediately, he went from calm to furious and within seconds, he had me passed out on the forest floor.

Edited September 24, 2016 by Cool Girl

[Stalkerkain]

For starters, I would say that your descriptions are rather simplistic. Not necessarily a bad thing, but something that can be improved! I'm just going to address two things though.

I began walking, wearing my white blouse shirt with a black vest over it. My curly frizzy hair and my small circular glasses made me look like a mad scientist. I felt slightly like one too.

An odd place to start describing yourself, but let's address simplicity. What makes it so special about your clothes or your appearance? If I said, "He wore a black shirt", it doesn't exactly draw your reader.

Perhaps something like "I hastily threw on a white blouse shirt, not bothering to straighten out the creases and wrinkles in them. I took my black vest to go on top of it because tonight felt like it was going to be chilly."

I added some little details to the shirt, but those details also say something about you as a person, or the situation as well. Those small details you couldn't care for, because you desperately wanted to get out of the house. The second sentence indicates that the speaker may be outside for a while. Although I never specifically indicated these details, they can be implied just from reading it. Often ask yourself: "Why?"

"My curly hair was frizzy, because I didn't have time to comb it before I left the house."

Another "why", making the sentence feel a bit more interesting. Also emphasizes that "chaos" you mentioned earlier.

I passed by a hundred of trees, bushes, plants and weird animals. The sky was quite grey and the sun was barely able to be seen. My mood matched the weather at that moment. As I continued walking, I became a lot more relaxed, but not by much. All of a sudden, from the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow.

"I passed by hundreds of trees, bushes, plants, and weird animals" (little nitpick). Also, when listing things, three is often a good number to stop, often from increasing/decreasing importance. (another nitpick).

Revised: "I must have passed by hundreds of trees, bushes, and weird animals." Note the "must have passed", maybe indicating that the speaker isn't keeping track (and mostly likely isn't).

Onto my second word of advice: word choice!

Depending on the feel of your writing piece, some words can break the mood. I'm not entirely sure what the reader is supposed to feel by reading this, but perhaps suspense (from the ending), or maybe thoughtful?

I see that you used "weird" twice in your writing. I find "weird" to be sort of a casual mood, and doesn't really match the "mood" or "tone" i mentioned earlier. Think of having an elegant waltz, and then taking a sledgehammer to the shins. An exaggeration, but it might disrupt your reader. A better choice in this case, could be "strange" (not very different, I know, but hey, little things make the whole).

Revised: "The sky was nothing but grey, as the sun hid behind the clouds. It felt as though the weather changed to match my mood."

Again, asking "why" the sky was grey. It may seem obvious, but sometimes it's not always good to tell things as they are.

"As I continued walking, I became a lot more relaxed, but not by much."

This is a contradiction. "A lot more" and "not by much". So, which one is it?

Revised: "Walking seemed to make me feel a little more relaxed."

In summary: Ask "why"! Explaining why something is the way it is leads way to more detail.

Descriptions: Continuing from "why", this detail helps you describe what the reader is reading, helping them visualize the world you're in.

Word choice: Does it match the mood/tone? Could I have chosen a better word?

And have other people proof-read your work! I think it's nice that you posted it, because they can give you feedback! You can apply these things to the second half of your writing, and see how much better it sounds!

Edited September 24, 2016 by Stalkerkain

[Cyanna Cyril]

So, me and a couple of others wrote this short story together. Let me know what you guys think of it!

I was becoming quite bored at the house, my wife was stressed and cleaning, my kids were all visiting, and his grandchildren were running around the house and screaming. I needed to get out of the house; I desperately needed a break from the chaos. I went to my shed where I kept all of my tools, and took off straight for the woods.

I began walking, wearing my white blouse shirt with a black vest over it. My curly frizzy hair and my small circular glasses made me look like a mad scientist. I felt slightly like one too. I passed by a hundred of trees, bushes, plants and weird animals. The sky was quite grey and the sun was barely able to be seen. My mood matched the weather at that moment. As I continued walking, I became a lot more relaxed, but not by much. All of a sudden, from the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow. About two seconds later, I shrieked and jumped in shock.

A man was standing by a tree, which made it hard to see him. The stranger was weirdly starring at me, as we continued to make eye contact for seconds that felt like minutes. He then noticed the axe I was holding in my arms. I could tell he was curious as to what I was planning on doing with the axe, and I could tell he became quite curious. There was no doubt in my mind that I intimidated this man. He then asked, "Are you planning on cutting down a tree with that axe?" I replied "Yes sir, I need wood for my fire." Immediately, he went from calm to furious and within seconds, he had me passed out on the forest floor.

Just wondering, what is the sex of the character you're describing? Male or Female? You describe the character as having a wife and grandchildren etc., and they appear to be uncomfortable with household activities that are generally "feminine." Yet, they go out wearing a blouse and have curly, frizzy hair, which gives more an impression of a female character. It might make also make the ending more pronounced if we knew whether the chara was M/F because it leaves different questions to the intentions of the mysterious man encountered. Does he knock out chara because he's a man attempting to destroy the forest, or is his purpose to subdue the chara because of their appearance and their breaking social norms (woman lumberjack?!? Pah. ~he thinks ~lemme show her why she shouldn't dare come into the forest alone to do a man's job)?

Basically, my advice comes down to character development. What are the intentions of the characters involved? What are appropriate appearances and descriptions for a character that has to do a specific job (e.g. what does a lumberjack normally wear to chop wood vs. what does he wear normally vs what does he wear at a family party)?