My first real Pokemon fanfiction-Please tell me what you think!

[Scottieboy2020]

Chapter One: Welcome to Reborn

Seth McFarlane. 19. Youngest reigning Champion of three Leagues, brother and son to powerful gym leaders, and born in Johto, before his family moved to Hoenn.
Now hiding in Reborn, contemplating his present situation in the third person.
Does he move on from this lonely alleyway, in an attempt to find food and shelter that simply isn’t there, or does he stay, and catch hypothermia? ...The world may never know. I thought, bored and cold.
But more than anything else, I was excruciatingly alone, as a coward should be.
It had been six years since I had last held a Pokeball. Six years since I had experienced the adrenaline rush of a League Battle. Six years since I’d abandoned my family and friends to Team Prometheus. And it had been a full eight years since I had found my first teammate.
Some legendary trainer I am. I can’t even find the cash to buy a meal… Although, that would probably be easy if I could find the Pokemon to battle.
I sighed, deciding to move on from the Peridot Ward. Maybe I’d try the Coral Ward today.
A sharp spike of pain lanced through my head, causing me to gasp in surprise. I put my hands to my temples, but the pain softened, feeling more like… a psychic. Or maybe Aura powers. But I hadn’t seen any evidence of Lucario’s in this region, and the only Gardevoir I had ever seen was a… news reporter… maybe.
Wait, why did I think Gardevoir? I thought. I had originally thought psychic, but...
Either way, nothing should have been probing my head like that unless it wanted something from me. This firmed my resolve to vacate the area, and I started walking faster. Perhaps it was my imagination.
On my way out of the alley, I locked eyes with another homeless man, by accident. He ignored me, and I him, but as I passed him, I could have sworn I saw a blue gleam in his eyes...

***

Rattle.
Rattle-Clack!
“Luu?”
I cracked my eyes open, seeing a hazy blue and black face peering down at me. Raiden -- my Lucario -- poked me a few times before literally thumping me in the chest. Rubbing the new sore spot with a scowl, I glared at him as I got up.
Cracking my neck, I looked out the window, seeing a vast desert and the slowly growing walls of a city. Reborn. Once a beautiful region, now a polluted wasteland, barely fit for habitation. Still, the League challenge here was worth taking a look at in my opinion.
Well. Maybe not just mine.
My cousin, Mira, walked in, saying “We’re getting close, Cory. Best make sure nothing fell out.” I nodded, looking at my reflection in the window for a moment. Brown hair, just a little too long, bright and teal eyes, one bearing a thin vertical scar.
Mira, despite being a close cousin, looked nothing like me: Blue eyes, long vivid red hair that had shades of pink streaking the bangs, and smoother, slightly paler skin.
Another difference was our teams--we both had two Pokemon with us, figuring that’s all we’d need for this particular vacation. I had my faithful Lucario, and my Vaporeon, Rika. Mira had a Zoroark and an Umbreon.
She really, really likes Dark Types. Personally, I preferred speed and strength to a particular type.
I snapped out of it, checking my bags. Pokenav, ‘Dex, and Pokeballs all there. A spare set of clothes, a few books, and some snacks. Pretty basic, but good enough to last me a while, at least until we got properly situated here.
As we entered the tunnel, I slung my pack over my shoulder and put my headphones around my neck. Mira let out her Zoroark, Loki, who nodded in greeting to Raiden.
When the train stopped, we waited for the train to empty a little before we got off. Leaving the station, I pulled a small, highly detailed drawing out of my pocket. It showed a face and a name, the person we were looking for: Seth Macfarlane. I handed it to Mira, and we walked towards the first alley we saw.
Rule number one when looking for someone in an unfamiliar city: Follow the rats. Put simply, the penniless and less honest people in any city will undoubtedly know more than the police patrolling the area. You find a few homeless people, offer them money, food or both, and you can easily find anyone who might be trying to hide.
If you paired that with Aura Sight, your odds of finding them were even better. I nodded to Raiden, and his eyes began glowing. He started scanning alleys and buildings, seeing everything in shades of blue and red. I always wondered how that would look…
Mira interrupted my thought process, grabbing my sleeve. I looked at the photo, seeing it glow faintly blue and pink. As psychic energy overtook the image, the graphite and ink started to shift slightly, subtly changing details to what I had to guess was a more current visage. His hair grew longer, down to his shoulders, bags formed under his eyes, and his face grew smudged.
That was one skilled Gardevoir. I would have to ask Seth about her later on, if we ever found him.
Memorizing the newer face, I kept looking for someone to talk to. Everyone I saw in the immediate vicinity was dressed just a bit too well, so we moved on, heading to the alleys.
Raiden pointed, speeding up. We matched his pace, surprised at how soon we were getting results.
***
I stepped onto the street to see two trainers, a Lucario, and a Zoroark running at me. Probably not good. I leaned inconspicuously against the corner of the building, praying they’d pass. Then I noticed the Lucario’s eyes were glowing bright blue, and I realized it was using Aura Sight. I spun and ran, deciding to see just how badly they wanted me.
Dodging around people, I left the alley to use the street. I was close to Jasper Ward, and if I just followed the train tracks a little farther… Jasper had a forest I could easily lose them in. Aura Sight would confuse me with the trees and wild Pokemon, and I’d be long gone.
I reached the divider between wards, praying my plan would work. Going under the arch, I realized something… just as my pursuer voiced it. “Raiden, use Extremespeed and get him!”
An instant after that, the Lucario skidded to a stop in front of me, sliding into a defensive battle stance. I hesitated, observing my situation. I studied the Lucario’s stance, noting weak points and considering the battle in my head.
If done right, I could beat the Aura Pokemon in three hits, at least subduing him long enough to give me a chance to escape again. I had a mediocre understanding of martial arts, but it was enough to teach me what NOT to do in a fight.
Seeing the trainers quickly approaching, I lashed out at Lucario, kicking him on the inside of the knee and breaking his stance, but not his leg. I used the recoil bounce from the attack to push my leg into an upward sweeping kick to the side of his head.
He tried protecting himself from further blows by putting his spiked forarms up in front of his face, but I was already running, taking advantage of the trainers delay, as they checked the Lucario for injuries.
However, they didn’t bother checking, or at least, the Aura Pokemon didn’t let them, because I saw him use Extremespeed again, putting more pressure on his viciously bruised leg. It collapsed as he ran, causing him to tumble and skid on his side. I winced inwardly, but kept sprinting, almost to the forest.
I dipped into the treeline, seeing various bugs and plants surrounding me, giving me cover from eyes and aura sight alike. Seeing a tall tree with lots of good, thick branches all the way to the ground, I quickly ran to the other side of it and climbed, getting as high up and as well camouflaged as I could.
The male appeared to have recalled his Lucario. They combed the woods, looking everywhere… but not up. When they passed, I would silently climb back down and head for the Byxbysion wasteland, where a few friends of mine lived.
I heard them speaking below and listened closely. “We must have lost him. Why was he running in the first place?” “He must have thought we were from team Prometheus. It makes sense; He’d have to be incredibly suspicious to stay uncaptured for so long. I also want to learn where he learned to fight like that-he took down Raiden in two hits, and I’ve seen him take Fighting type moves like they were nothing.”
A pause, then “Well, either way, Jade isn’t responding. They must have put her back in the Pokeball. And this picture doesn’t help much when we can’t see him.”
Jade.
They knew my Gardevoirs name? How was that possible? From the way they spoke and acted, they definitely weren’t Prometheans. I decided to investigate, rapidly and silently descending the tree.
***
“Do you see anything? I said to Mira. She shook her head, and I kept looking. Hearing a quite scuffing noise behind me, I turned to see Seth Mcfarlane standing there, apparently having just climbed out of a tree. He was tensed, ready to run, but he said “You know Jade. How?”
I gripped Rikas pokeball tightly, but didn’t press the button; instead, I said “She contacted us and told us to find you. We’re not with Team Prometheus, I swear.” This didn’t reassure him as I’d hoped.
He clenched his fists, saying “Prove it. If I don’t see something very convincing I’m running, and you can’t stop me.” I nodded, having already been told what to say. “You don’t like to call her Jade, she said. You traded for her, but couldn’t change the official name, so you refer to her as Elisa.”
I saw a strange expression flash on his face. It looked… pained, tired, and happy all at once. I waited, not knowing what else to say, but simply watched as he slowly relaxed and he said “She’d only tell somebody that if there was an emergency. What’s going on, did she tell you?”
Nodding slowly, i said “Your team… Prometheus has put them all in Dark Balls. They’re resisting, but they can’t keep fighting forever. Eventually… they’re Shadow Pokemon, and Jade-Elisa, I mean, is already feeling the long-term affects. She seems to think you have a cure for them. I just came here to get you.” His face paled slightly, and he said “You got here by train, right?”
I nodded again, flashing my station pass. He muttered to himself for a moment, then spoke up. “I’m going to see a friend, then I need you to take me back to Hoenn with you. Think you can stand stalking me a while longer?” I frowned, saying “Whatever is at your friend's house, I don’t think it’s as important as getting back as soon as possible.”
“You’re right, it’s not.” He said. “But he has a Pokemon he’s been trying to sell for a while now. If I explain to him, I can probably get him to let me borrow it, and I can fight. He’s in Coral Ward, lets go.”
***

If you read the whole thing, then thanks! If you liked it but thought I could improve it, please tell me, as I'm open to all ideas.

Also... I don't understand why the text is highlighted in white... (maybe it's just for me?) If someone could tell me how to fix that I will edit it so it's less of a headache to read...

Edited October 27, 2016 by Scottieboy2020

[Raindrop Valkyrie]

It's an easy fix. Just click the "Edit" button. Then highlight all the text, and in the upper corner of the text editor is a little button that looks like an eraser, click this.

The reason it's there is cause the text has formatting from another page etc... this tends to happen when text is copied and pasted onto Reborn from another place. The Eraser button removes all formatting so that'll fix it.

And, while i'm here, You need a title tag as well. It can easily be edited into your title by clicking on the "edit" button and then clicking the 'use Full Editor" button on the original post in the thread ((a.k.a the only other post at the moment I'm posting this lol.)) This is pretty important as it really helps keep the subforum tidy and easy to browse.~

Here's a thread with more information as well as one more specifically about feedback:

Title Tag thread: http://www.pokemonreborn.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=20788

Feedback Thread: http://www.pokemonreborn.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=20812

I'd personally recommend the title tag [CW/Feedback] as this is a creative writing project and you seem to be looking for feedback.

anywho, Hukuna Sensei, out~

[Scottieboy2020]

Thank you VERY much Hukuna!

I have a couple other chapters I could post, but I wanted to see peoples reactions to the first chapter. If anyone wants, I will happily post the rest I have.

Edited October 23, 2016 by Scottieboy2020

[Raindrop Valkyrie]

No problem. It's my job after all.~ ((I'm only the mod for Creative works sub XD))

[Code: PIRULUK]

Tip #1: Paragraphing. The Return key is your friend.

Tip #2: Formatting. You've chosen to use a digital text medium for this work, it would be a good idea to take advantage of said medium. A good start would be using italics to distinguish internal monologue from narration; I had to read your first paragraph twice because the sudden change from third to first person threw me off.

Tip #3: Punctuation. The 's construction is used to indicate possession. So it should be "Lucarios", as opposed to "Lucario's"

Tip #4: You have a good number of comma splices in here, you might want to fix that. Comma splices have a tendency to adversely affect readability. e.g. : "Cracking my neck, I looked out the window, seeing a vast desert and, at one side, the slowly growing walls of a city." would flow better as "Cranking my neck, I looked out the window and saw a vast desert, with the slowly growing walls of a city on one side."

Tip #5: Deixis. "It showed a face and a name, belonging to the person we were looking for: Seth Macfarlane." What belonged to him? The information, or the photo?

Tip #6: "That paired with Aura Sight, and our odds were even better." Is a very strange construction that borders on incoherent. You're using the coordinating conjunction 'and' to append a subordinate clause.

Overall, I like your use of multiple perspectives, but proper formatting would make it easier to distinguish between POVs, which is important for readability. You need to work on your grammar and formatting, but I can definitely see potential here.

[Scottieboy2020]

I get the feeling you're an English teacher, or something similar XD

I appreciate all the tips, and you have some very good points. I'm gonna have to go through and fix all those now so it doesn't bug me like crazy haha. I'll be honest though, I thought my paragraphs were fine. Also, in the original document, I did use italics, and in all the places showing internal thought. However, for some reason, it didn't show here and I didn't check to find out that it hadn't; So I do apologize for that slight mishap.

Anyways, thanks for the constructive criticism Acquiescence!

(I went through and added italics and corrected some of the sentences. Hopefully its less difficult to read XD)

Edited October 27, 2016 by Scottieboy2020

[Scottieboy2020]

This thread died so fast T_T

[Damage]

Hey bud, I checked out the story and I like the team up you have going on and definitely want to see more with where this story is headed as it doesn't seem like the typical run.

Important note. Do not get discouraged if your work isn't getting the hits you'd like it to. There's a lot of time my work doesn't get all the views, replies, etc. You have to go in with the mentality of writing simply because you enjoy it. If you have fun writing then the feedback is a plus. Trust me the more you write the more your work will be noticed. Just keep at it.

Looking forward to the next entry.

[Scottieboy2020]

question: should I post here or make a new thread for chapters?

[Damage]

I'd recommend a new thread as well as a separate thread for feedback so its easier for people to comment without going in between the story.

[Nyaagisa The Maid]

Oh no, this ticks me off ... First he is 3 League Champion and born with silver spoon but now he's a homeless guy with no Pokemon ? Now I want to read more ...

[Scottieboy2020]

On 11/29/2016 at 3:08 AM, Nagisa_Hideyoshi said:

Oh no, this ticks me off ... First he is 3 League Champion and born with silver spoon but now he's a homeless guy with no Pokemon ? Now I want to read more ...

XD

Um... I don't know why this ticks you off so much but ok then haha

Also he wasn't really 'born with a silver spoon' as you say.  Yes, he is the son of a gym leader, but that gym leader is Norman from Pokemon Emerald.  And while he doesn't replace Brendan from the same game, he is the 'little brother' of said replacement.  Lastly, while he did beat three leagues, he's only the champion through technicality, as he never truly accepted the title, just the win.  

All that said, I'm glad you want to read more!

...I also hope you don't mind waiting a bit between chapters because I have no outline and it takes me a while to write XP

[Nyaagisa The Maid]

Your writing's good. Now I need to research more Pokefacts for my fanfiction too. (And my grammars too, I bet the reason I have so little views because of that)

When you strike an over-the-top pose with great seriousness

Edited December 7, 2016 by Nagisa_Hideyoshi

[Scottieboy2020]

0.0 Oh dear lord that picture is amazing XD

It looks like Joseph Joestar took up pokemon training hahaha

 

 

Edit: Upon downloading said image that's exactly what it is XD

Edited December 7, 2016 by Scottieboy2020

[Shenjoe]

This is pretty good. I feel like the introduction is a bit rough, but it was short enough to be excusable. I'm so tired of reading the same old ash redo or simple adventure fanfic, so this is nice. I like the world so far (I haven't played reborn yet), I'm curious to know more about his ability to tank moves and fist fight a lucario. Can't wait to read more.