In urgent need of some advice.

[OpalWardMusicFan]

My friend is in a bad situation. I need to know what to say to get my point across so as not to hurt her. First, I will list some details about her, then about the situation. Please read it all to the end before posting, thank you.

About my friend: My friend will remain anonymous here, but for the sake of this explanation, I will call her "Misty". "Misty" is a sweet, gentle, albeit naive young woman. She sees the world through innocent and veiled eyes, not wanting to see the bad and wrong in others, wanting to help when people claim to need it, wanting to trust all these people say.

About the situation: Misty met this pervert on a website and he conned her into believing several lies, like he loves her, which is false. She trusts basically EVERYTHING this loser says. He uses her for sex. Plain and simple. To put this into perspective, he forces her to call him ONLY Master. Says "I can't wait to r**e all your holes my s****y slave b****! You will be mine forever even in real life!" He won't give her or anyone his real name, age, etc, but demands they tell him their name, age, etc. He conned her into believing people abandon him. I can clearly see why. She, like a fool, gave this guy her chat app name and he then stalked her relentlessly. Her mother wrote a LONG, blunt message to him, sent it, and blocked him on the app and the website. He then added her and messaged her on the website on several accounts of his, which failed. He then made ANOTHER name in the app to con Misty again. She hid this fact for almost a month, until her sibling found out through a slip of her tongue, and told me. I then MADE Misty give me this guy's side name, and wrote him myself. He is far too defensive and secretive. According to what I can get Misty to tell me, he never uses her name, nor does he talk normally outside of garnering pity for himself. That's right, its all pervy. She thinks this guy is ROLE-PLAYING, which he clearly is NOT. This guy stalks her relentlessly and she thinks its "love". I am genuinely terrified of what she has gotten herself into. I got yelled at by this jerk, she got ridiculed to me by him, and I can tell this guy is evil. He also comes off like he has bipolar or has Multiple Personality Disorder. I need advice on how to get her to see this guy is pure evil. He makes my skin crawl.

Thanks for the advice.

[Amethyst]

It is frustrating and scary and at times nauseating to see a friend subject themselves to that kind of thing.

However, you cannot change what anybody else chooses to think or do. You probably do not wish to hear this... but forcing one's opinion onto someone else only creates conflict.

In this case, trying too hard to do so could just push that person away from one of their dwindling healthy connections. It can also reinforce a perceived idea that everyone is against her-- even if you have the best intentions.

Instead, I have found that it is more effective to accept that others will make decisions you may not agree with, but to support them nonetheless.

That doesn't mean that she should be encouraged to see this person. In fact you could even still be open about your dislike for him. But I believe it is important not to fight her or try and change her mind. That could end up coming between you two, after all.

Taking this supportive approach, she should still feel like you're on her side-- that even if you disagree with her choice, you've got her back. This means she'll be more likely to confide in you if things are going sour. It'll also mean you can take those opportunities to remind her how to stay safe and healthy even around this person. She may not get through it unwounded, but at least you can be there to dress her wounds.

It is also important in that kind of position to be realistic about your boundaries. If it is too much for you to see her in this kind of scenario, it is okay to take some space away from her.

That is my opinion.

[Kurotsune]

It is frustrating and scary and at times nauseating to see a friend subject themselves to that kind of thing.

However, you cannot change what anybody else chooses to think or do. You probably do not wish to hear this... but forcing one's opinion onto someone else only creates conflict.

In this case, trying too hard to do so could just push that person away from one of their dwindling healthy connections. It can also reinforce a perceived idea that everyone is against her-- even if you have the best intentions.

Instead, I have found that it is more effective to accept that others will make decisions you may not agree with, but to support them nonetheless.

That doesn't mean that she should be encouraged to see this person. In fact you could even still be open about your dislike for him. But I believe it is important not to fight her or try and change her mind. That could end up coming between you two, after all.

Taking this supportive approach, she should still feel like you're on her side-- that even if you disagree with her choice, you've got her back. This means she'll be more likely to confide in you if things are going sour. It'll also mean you can take those opportunities to remind her how to stay safe and healthy even around this person. She may not get through it unwounded, but at least you can be there to dress her wounds.

It is also important in that kind of position to be realistic about your boundaries. If it is too much for you to see her in this kind of scenario, it is okay to take some space away from her.

That is my opinion.

I was scrolling down to write this and was pleasantly unsurprised to see you saying the same thing. Good on you as always, shortcake.

At the end of the day... Yeah. It's far past the point where she's being "tricked"; She enjoys it for one reason or another, and those reasons are her own. It's ultimately her choice, and unfortunately all you should do is accept it. That's just life.

Humans have this problem were we tend to cheer for the underdog, to want the unwanted. Odds are the more you try to force her to abandon him, the more compelled towards him she feels, which means your efforts are ultimately moot.

There's also the point that she might not care at all; Frankly put, it might just be the case that their interactions "rustle her jimmies" in a good way but she has no real interest in this nameless person, only in the pleasure they provide her. And that's okay, too.

At the end of the day though, I'd just suggest you politely tell her you won't agree with her decision but still support her.

The only time you should step in is when you're absolutely sure this person poses a real danger.

I'd tell her to cut the sharing PI online thing though, that shit's dangerous

[Yours Truly]

I don't really like being the guy who pretty much says "I concur with what the other two said", but they're right; you can't take responsibility of somebody else's happiness; people generally don't like being told not to do something they love, and yes that woman can do a whole lot better, but in the end of the day it's not really your choice to make, and if her close family isn't able to change her mind; then you can't really expect that she'll change your mind because of something she said; so all you can really do is stay beside her, and support her when she needs it, and make it clear that you don't approve of that man or how she's sharing all of that Personal information with him. so try to remain calm; maybe find a new way to destress, and remember; love is just a bunch of chemicals floating around in your brain that eventually stop getting produced once they get bored of the person, and maybe one day she'll stop looking at the situation like it's some lame forbidden love affair narrative and stops hanging out with the douche.

Edit: Don't be a shoulder for her to cry on all the time; that's a bad habit and let's face it the only person I know of who has that kind of patience was killed two thousand years ago.

So yeah... Good luck with that; I mean it.

Edited November 13, 2016 by Cronos5010

[HughJ]

Yeah... If she's into some weird shit in the form of a lunatic there's not much you can do besides monitor the situation. As much as you don't want to hear about the guy just stay aware of the situation and make sure that she has you or someone else as a lifeline if she feels she is in danger or if she has received a threat

If you're in the US, under 18 U.S.C. § 875 any credible threat of violence or murder is illegal and would be offered up to a federal court if an investigation into the guy's location proves it to be interstate. It would also help your case in saying that such a threat is credible given that he has been demonstrated to be mentally unstable and that your friend has given up her real identity (and presumably her location)

It fits with stalking behavior that if she were ever to reject him of her own volition he would become more desperate and mix in threats with his approaches. So if she ever wants to cut him loose, now or later, things could get dangerous. As the three above me have mentioned, it's better to remain a lifeline for her than to push her away and consequently jeopardize her security even further

Edited November 13, 2016 by HughJ

[Antilegend]

These prior replies also work under the assumption that Misty is of legal age. Is she over 18? Because if she isn't, then this guy could be quantified as a predator.

If she is, then like it was mentioned before, you can only be delegated to a supportive role. People in life are going to make mistakes, plain and simple. Even though you can see your friend making one, it isn't your place to correct them and exert control over their decision. Sometimes you gotta burn your hand before you learn to wear gloves.

[Scottieboy2020]

...I hate people like him. I really hate them with a passion.

And while I really want to help, I honestly just... don't have much I can say that hasn't already been said.

What I do know is this: anyone who forces you to call them 'Master' is clearly not in love with you, and probably never will be. And sadly, the internet has many people on it who will try to take advantage of anyone they can,