The Legend of Akihito Chapter 1

[DarkChampionAkihito]

Hello everyone, Akihito here. This is my first official forums input. Depending on how many likes I get, I will make this a forum series. Without further interruptions, I present to you the Legend of Akihito

 

Prologue: "The child that fell into despair has left the light that was the parents... Now, it is up to you to decide, Akihito? What is real? What is fake? What is the truth? What is the lie? Can you truly see past the ever present illusion? Will you be blind to the truth that is so open in front of you? Let us see what happens....

 

"Akihito!" A kind and elderly mother sang through the house. "It's time for breakfast. This is your first day, getting your Pokémon. You have to start it out right!" She said in a slightly nagging voice.

The young child proceeded to get up from his metaphorical death-sleep. The child was of a slender build, but possessing small amounts of baby fat, yet not chubby. His jet black hair draped across his dreary face. His eyes were red like a blood moon. His demeanor was quite....soulless in a sense. Nevertheless, the child got up, brushed his teeth and brushed his hair, and proceeded downstairs to be greeted by a plate of pancakes and some Tapu Cocoa. The child sat down and started to eat away at the delectable looking pancakes.

 

"Are you excited?" The elderly mother started. "To get your first Pokémon, I mean." She said with a tone of curiosity.

The child stopped for a moment from eating and looked straight into his mother's cheerful eyes.

 

"I don't know why you are so happy about me receiving my first Pokémon. I know it's a coming-of-age thing, but it's really nothing to make a big fuss over." The child said with a soulless stare and a morose voice as he went back to his pancakes and cocoa. The mother's cheerfulness went away and she began to change into a more sorrowful mood.

 

"Oh, Akihito. Ever since Riku left the family and disowned all of us, you haven't come out of your room except to go to the restroom or grab a snack. Plus, with  father gone, you really haven't been doing much as you were when he was here. I know it must of been hard for yo..." She stopped as Akihito broke his wooden chopsticks at the mention of his former brother's name ignited a deep emotion of rage inside of him. He left the table with his pancakes and cocoa all done and left his mother in her state of shock. He proceeded up to his room to get his clothes on. As soon as he left, the mother broke down in tears as she knew that her words had awakened Akihito's rage.

 

Akihito left the house, only to be greeted by the spring winds that blew through Kuro Town. It was a quiet, little place. There wasn't much of the hustle and bustle of city life. It was just right. A secluded forest town where beginnings happen. Akihito let out a depressive sigh and said, "Into the dark world.... How quaint." He walked to the Trainer's school with the predisposition that this journey was going to be a meaningless one...

 

Spoiler

Let me know what you guys think please. ;-;

Thanks, and see you next time. Stay turned for the next chapter(maybe).

 

Edited February 18, 2017 by DarkChampionAkihito

[Daniel Blackworth]

On 2/18/2017 at 8:01 PM, DarkChampionAkihito said:

Hello everyone, Akihito here. This is my first official forums input. Depending on how many likes I get, I will make this a forum series. Without further interruptions, I present to you the Legend of Akihito

 

Prologue: "The child that fell into despair has left the light that was the parents... Now, it is up to you to decide, Akihito? What is real? What is fake? What is the truth? What is the lie? Can you truly see past the ever present illusion? Will you be blind to the truth that is so open in front of you? Let us see what happens....

 

"Akihito!" A kind and elderly mother sang through the house. "It's time for breakfast. This is your first day, getting your Pokémon. You have to start it out right!" She said in a slightly nagging voice.

The young child proceeded to get up from his metaphorical death-sleep. The child was of a slender build, but possessing small amounts of baby fat, yet not chubby. His jet black hair draped across his dreary face. His eyes were red like a blood moon. His demeanor was quite....soulless in a sense. Nevertheless, the child got up, brushed his teeth and brushed his hair, and proceeded downstairs to be greeted by a plate of pancakes and some Tapu Cocoa. The child sat down and started to eat away at the delectable looking pancakes.

 

"Are you excited?" The elderly mother started. "To get your first Pokémon, I mean." She said with a tone of curiosity.

The child stopped for a moment from eating and looked straight into his mother's cheerful eyes.

 

"I don't know why you are so happy about me receiving my first Pokémon. I know it's a coming-of-age thing, but it's really nothing to make a big fuss over." The child said with a soulless stare and a morose voice as he went back to his pancakes and cocoa. The mother's cheerfulness went away and she began to change into a more sorrowful mood.

 

"Oh, Akihito. Ever since Riku left the family and disowned all of us, you haven't come out of your room except to go to the restroom or grab a snack. Plus, with  father gone, you really haven't been doing much as you were when he was here. I know it must of been hard for yo..." She stopped as Akihito broke his wooden chopsticks at the mention of his former brother's name ignited a deep emotion of rage inside of him. He left the table with his pancakes and cocoa all done and left his mother in her state of shock. He proceeded up to his room to get his clothes on. As soon as he left, the mother broke down in tears as she knew that her words had awakened Akihito's rage.

 

Akihito left the house, only to be greeted by the spring winds that blew through Kuro Town. It was a quiet, little place. There wasn't much of the hustle and bustle of city life. It was just right. A secluded forest town where beginnings happen. Akihito let out a depressive sigh and said, "Into the dark world.... How quaint." He walked to the Trainer's school with the predisposition that this journey was going to be a meaningless one...

 

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Let me know what you guys think please. ;-;

Thanks, and see you next time. Stay turned for the next chapter(maybe).

 

Just read this.... the story seems interesting with the main characters being somewhat of a negative person and the opening paragraph being somewhat reflective of what will happen later.

 

This is my first time doing feedback but I'll try my best. For feedback, I noticed a few things that were missed.

- What does the first sentence mean? Does it mean that the child has lost his parents or the child left the parents? The wording seems somewhat unclear as to the real meaning you wish to portray.

- The first dialogue part 'a kind and elderly mother sang' should probably be edited because it feels that we are expected to know that it is the protag's mother. For me, it would be better to portray her physical characteristics rather than vaguely give us a mother to supply as the description. Also, it is best to combine this part with the slightly nagging tone at the end.

- The setting of the story (house and outside area) should also be described so as to allow the readers to visualize it and have a clearer picture.

- I feel that the banging of the chopsticks should be done after the mention of Riku because the effect of it becomes delayed and is not as beautiful if executed immediately.

- I think the first chapter should be lengthened with a bit more conversation with the mother and Akihito.