my take on R34 and what might happen presented as a police report with no research on reporting format

[Felicity]

Kenny, send this down to Special investigations, no one knows what to make of the corpse. It wasn't a costume and we can't identify the weapon used on the victims.

 

---

 

Incident report

Case 12P63

 

Date: 12/3/1991

 

Crime: Five counts of first degree murder, one count of second degree murder, one count of GTA, two counts of public urination, one count of driving under the influence, two counts of petty theft.

 

Last night the response teams were called out to investigate calls claiming an unidentified assailant had assaulted the offices of Sega games, inflicting grievous bodily harm on employees of the company and wreaking havoc in the rest of the building. Officers arrived on the scene at 2:04 in the morning. Witnesses claim the assailant entered the building at 11:47pm and proceeded to assault and gravely wound the two employees, Yuji Naka and Naoto Ohshima, still working on their current project, CCTV recordings verify this testimony. The individual can be described as what seems to be an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog, notably similar to the character featured in the project aforementioned employees were currently working on, Sonic the Hedgehog. Speculation suggests the perpetrator was wearing a costume at the time.

 

On entering the building the perpetrator committed several counts of petty crime as listed above before being confronted by building security. The security officers attempted to detain him and took him to their office. They questioned the perpetrator as to what their goal was. The following is the transcript of the interview.

 

Officer Kowalski: "State your name."

 

Perpetrator: "Sonic"

 

O.K: "Age?"

 

S: "Too old"

 

O.K: "Please state your age for the record."

 

S: "Too FUCKING old, you dumb fuck."

 

O.K: "please refrain from cursing, sir."

 

S: "Oh so in thsi timeline i'm a sir? At least I can't get fucking pregnant again."

 

O.K: "Excuse me sir?"

 

S: "Oh yeah, if anyone knows about gender fluidity it's me."

 

O.K: "Sir, can you jsut give me your age."

 

S: "Wait, I've been on tumblr, that's not gender fluidity."

 

O.K : "Tumblr, sir?"

 

S: "The scrotum of the internet. Wait, that's 4chan. Tumblr is the armpit."

 

O.K: "Si-"

 

At this time the perpetrator underwent an epileptic seizure. He then proceeded to assault Officer Kowalski and his co-workers, eviscerating their abdomens. There was one survivor found, an Officer Yukinome. 

 

At this time, 1:24am, the perp proceeded to assault the employees on the 4th floor of the building and their secretary. The secretary has been hospitalised, the two other victims are currently undergoing an autopsy.

 

The secretary, a Ms Kiyoshita, gave an account of what the perpetrator said to the victims.

 

S:

"You little shits brought me into this world. I've tried to come out of it. God bless those chaos emeralds, time travel is so FUCKING useful for going back in time and fixing things. Well, it would be, if anything I ever tried worked. You know in the normal timeline this shit-hole company dominates the market for the next five decades? My first attempt was tanking Sega, making the other game companies top dog, if you died I'd fade into obscurity and I WOULDN'T BE FORCED INTO HORRIFIC FANFICTIONS WITH EVERY OTHER FICTIONAL FUCKWAD YOU COULD THINK OF. No more sex, damn it, no more sex or pregnancy or living with a family, no more gender swapping or irregular genitalia or inter dimensional shipping NO MORE."

 

The perpetrator fell silent for roughly thirty minutes, during this time a call was surreptitiously placed b the employees during this time before the perpetrator resumed.

 

"No no no no no it didn't work did it? So the next time I tried to stop you I just bought the company and scrapped it. You were so invested though, you went on to make me anyway. I became an indie star and Nintendo still adopted me. So many more years subjected to all of that until I found the emeralds again. This time, I'm not playing nice."

 

On arrival at the scene the responding officers attempted to take the perpetrator into custody. He resisted arrest and the offciers were forced to use lethal force in self defence. Refer to case file 12P45 for more details on the officers conduct and the ensuing trial.

 

Signed, Detective Kenshita.

[Alphagar]

Well then... o.o