[CW: Short Story/Feedback] Escape

[Daniel Blackworth]

So, this is the first story I've technically written since the last time I actually wrote a story was way back in Elementary. I hope that you'd read this and give me feedback on how I can improve this and how I should improve in the works I intend to do sometime. I don't know why I wrote such a story for a first story, but the idea just came over me. I don't want to keep you long, so here it is.
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I run through the forest like a cheetah. My lungs feel ready to give out while my heart is beating so fast, but still, I run along without taking a pause nor a small break. I don't have time to take in the sounds of the wild animals in the forest nor do I have time to appreciate the various plants and trees as well. All I focus on is running as fast as I can towards escape, freedom, and comfort. I glance a bit towards my sides and see if I am nearer towards civilization, however, I see no signs of it. All I see is an endless collection of trees, possibly for miles, and it seems that I won't be reaching a town soon. 

My running is stopped when I suddenly trip on a branch that was sticking out. I lurch forward towards the ground, my body diving in the mass of fallen leaves. I pause and lie down for a bit, thinking that maybe it would be better to just stay like this for a while. My body is exhausted and strained after all from all that running, while I am also covered in bruises from getting hit by random branches sticking out a while back and I have blisters all over my body. 

 

I immediately stand though and take off running as soon as I remember that I am fighting for my freedom and that if I am caught by those guards, I'd surely be placed back in that prison facility and suffer the consequences for attempting to escape from it. I don't want to be in that place ever again, my being there in that prison facility was complete misery, all I did there was stay in the cell for hours on end with no one to talk to and I wasn't allowed to at least have freedom as they just kept me in those chains, even if I was to eat my meals. They also only gave me small rations at every meal and never let me out even to simply unwind. I didn't want my life to be spent like that.

Well, I guess I shouldn't blame them for treating me that way. I am a high-level criminal after all, guilty for killing three people in cold blood. Well, I could say that I didn't do it for the kick of it nor to give me an entertainment of sorts, but I still did kill those people merely as a revenge. I continue to run, but the trees simply blur as I see the face of my dead younger brother in my mind, the main reason for my killing spree.

My brother and I became orphans at a young age; our parents died in a car accident when I was nine while my brother was still a mere six year older and with no other relatives we knew off or cared to adopt us, we were alone, alone in the streets trying to live by the leftovers from fast food places. Even though we had a tough life, we still had joy, knowing that we were there to take care of each other. We continued to live on with life in the streets, growing up together happily. 

Unfortunately, our simple yet happy life came to an end eight years later when my brother died after being hit by a car. Of course, I was mad at the young man who drove the car, but I didn't do anything at the time because he was apologetic and offered to take care of my brother's remains. I didn't want my brother to be unhappy if I ended up in jail if I attacked the man out of anger. I simply accepted his death, even if it hurt me deeply inside, and tried to be cheerful and positive. 

A few weeks later, I saw the man who killed my brother in that accident as I was walking along the train station. He was on the phone and it seemed to me that he was talking on a friend of his. I happened to hear what he was saying and it really angered me so much. He told his friend, "Hahaha. Poor people are so stupid. Remember when I told you that I killed a kid in an accident? Well, I easily escaped out of it by being all sorry to his brother and offering to take care of the kid, but of course, I didn't want to be arrested nor did I want to spend money, so I just threw the kid out to the ocean. Easy way to dispose of the body and rid of my crime." He laughed so hard as he said this. I was angry, really angry at this man for simply laughing off my brother's death and escaping his crime. My rage was boiling inside and I lost all rationality. I take the umbrella of a woman with her child forcefully and run to the man. I don't remember what happens next, probably from all the pain and anguish within me.

When I woke up, I was already in a prison facility. I was guilty not only for killing that man, but I was also guilty for pushing off the woman and her child when I forcefully took the umbrella, which led to them being hit by a rushing train. Suddenly, I was guilty for crimes that I didn't do in the right mind. I immediately regretted doing it, knowing that my brother would not have wanted me to do those. I spent around five years in the prison facility which I escaped from. At first, I decided to stay there to atone for my sins, but I guess my desire of freedom surfaced as the years passed by and I enacted the escape plan which led to me being out here in the forest, escaping from a possible recapture. 

I continue to run through the vast forest. This time, however, sounds of running frantically from behind me can be heard. The sounds are closing in on me, but, I run as fast as I can despite the exhaustion because I know that I do not want to return there ever again. My efforts are betrayed as the guards continue to catch up with me and prepare their guns ready to shoot me to hinder me. I luckily avoid most of their shots, but one bullet hits me in the right knee and I yelp with the immense pain that comes with it. I continue to run, although this time I limp my way along the passageway. Maybe to add to my pain, the way forward only leads me to a cliff. I hesitate for a bit, but I decide to bet my life on escaping the guards and jump down, hoping to survive the fall.

I suddenly wake up and see that it is nightfall. I'm surprised that I survived such a fall as I look that I fell from a much higher level than I thought. However, I know that I will be dying soon, my injuries are simply too major for even me to attempt to recover from. My body is hurt all over from the bruises I got, from the pain I got from the bullet which hit my knee, and from the bones that I broke from the fall from the cliff. I try to sit myself down despite all the pain that it causes me as I attempt to do so. I sigh, disappointed that I couldn't achieve my goal of escaping, but I am a bit happy that I may be seeing my brother soon.

I look at my surroundings, hoping to take in everything before I lose my existence on this Earth. A cocoon shakes in a tree nearby, perhaps it was going to open soon. My suspicion was right when it opens after a bit of struggle. It breaks and a beautiful butterfly breaks out, its wings spreading and glowing in the moonlight. I frown slightly, feeling sad that the butterfly would be experiencing happiness while I did not. 

Well, it was my fault I guess, for acting out of revenge and quite possibly locking myself from the happiness that I could have attained. The tears suddenly fall from my eyes as I think of how my life could have flowed if I didn't act on revenge that day. Maybe my life would have been happier and better, but I know I can't relive that scene again and reconsider my actions, and even if I did have the chance, I'd probably still pick that decision, even if I'd regret it because I can't stand my brother's death to be unjustified, but maybe, just maybe, it would have been nice, really nice, if there was someone who'd have stopped me from doing so. If only, if only, I feel really sad as I remember how my life went, but I'm happy that at least, I did have some years of joy and bliss with my brother. I look at the butterfly once more as it prepares to fly off, and I wish, wish that if there really was another life, I wish that that life would be a happier and better one, one where I could be truly happy with how my life went, and I hope that in that life, I would still meet my brother in one way or another. I sigh and close my eyes, embracing death's embrace.

[Anime]

Hm, intresting indeed, i think its complete, or are you willing to elaborate more? 

 

Good luck

[PESH1]

It's an engaging story. You could maybe split some of your long sentences to two or more sentences. For example, the following can easily be split into more sentences:

 

I don't want to be in that place ever again, my being there in that prison facility was complete misery, all I did there was stay in the cell for hours on end with no one to talk to and I wasn't allowed to at least have freedom as they just kept me in those chains, even if I was to eat my meals. 

 

 I didn't want my brother to be unhappy if I ended up in jail if I attacked the man out of anger.

 

Also you could frame the following sentence alternatively : I was angry, really angry at this man : I was furious and belligerent at this man. Instead of repeating adjectives, you could use synonyms.

 

All the best.

[Daniel Blackworth]

5 hours ago, Another Retired Shipper said:

Hm, intresting indeed, i think its complete, or are you willing to elaborate more? 

 

Good luck

It's complete. Well, I could extend it, but I decided to keep it that long since it is a short story after all.

4 hours ago, PESH1 said:

It's an engaging story. You could maybe split some of your long sentences to two or more sentences. For example, the following can easily be split into more sentences:

 

I don't want to be in that place ever again, my being there in that prison facility was complete misery, all I did there was stay in the cell for hours on end with no one to talk to and I wasn't allowed to at least have freedom as they just kept me in those chains, even if I was to eat my meals. 

 

 I didn't want my brother to be unhappy if I ended up in jail if I attacked the man out of anger.

 

Also you could frame the following sentence alternatively : I was angry, really angry at this man : I was furious and belligerent at this man. Instead of repeating adjectives, you could use synonyms.

 

All the best.

I see. I'll take your advice to considerations. Thanks

 

Also, I'd like to ask the two of you this question, what did you like about the story and what did you dislike/what was lacking to it?

[Anime]

What i liked: The story has a kind of Ominous atmosphere, its has a dark theme and the end is sad

 

what i didn't like: Its too sad, i mean not only did they live in the streets but also the younger bro gets hit by a car, also i'm not sure but i think (i think) there are minor grammar misateks

[Daniel Blackworth]

1 hour ago, Another Retired Shipper said:

What i liked: The story has a kind of Ominous atmosphere, its has a dark theme and the end is sad

 

what i didn't like: Its too sad, i mean not only did they live in the streets but also the younger bro gets hit by a car, also i'm not sure but i think (i think) there are minor grammar misateks

Your what I like and what I don't like are kind of similar lol :). Well, I intentionally made it to be sad and all; I could have given it a happy ending, but I deemed that it would be better not to since he did commit punishable crimes.

[PESH1]

I liked the first person style of the story and the way you have described his emotions and surroundings. The train station paragraph may have required more details, but I suppose you wanted the reader to imagine and fill the gaps.

[Daniel Blackworth]

5 hours ago, PESH1 said:

I liked the first person style of the story and the way you have described his emotions and surroundings. The train station paragraph may have required more details, but I suppose you wanted the reader to imagine and fill the gaps.

I see. Thanks I'll do my best to improve my writing in the next stories I think up. I could improve stuff in this story, but I feel that I should leave it as it is, due to its nature of being a technical first story.