The Smallest Jump

[OraCLesofFire]

For those of you who don't visit the discord frequently and may not know me, I'm going to do a short (re)introduction.

 

Hi ^-^ My name is Calvin, but online I go by OraCLesofFire and/or Baby Altaria. I'm a 20 year old college drop-out who is currently working part-time as a lifeguard until I can get my life back on track. When it comes to reborn I've been playing for just over a year, but have only participated in the community since the beginning of this year, there's a story there but I'll save that for another time.

 

I've almost solely been active on the Discord server except for a few short excursions into the forum life. On discord I tend to be a very active and vocal person (or so the logs may say) so it may come as a surprise to some that I'm extremely introverted in the actual world, and deal with significant anxiety, which brings me to why I'm making this post.

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     Today I was at the pool working my job and as is usual for a Saturday, there were multiple groups of people doing multiple different activities. There was a group from our local Arc, several kids participating in open swim, one or two elderly fellows swimming laps, and finally a boy scout group doing tests for some upcoming event. As the day wore on the groups dwindled and left and new groups replaced them, except for a single boy scout.

 

When my shift started my coworker told me that he was the last one of the group to take the test, and that he'd been standing at the waters edge for about 5 minutes without getting in. After watching him stand at the pools edge for 15 more minutes, I decided to go over and see what was wrong and if I could help the young man. I spoke with the scout master and his mother for a short bit, and I learned that he was having some fears jumping into the water. He could swim just fine once he was in, but he was terrified of jumping in. His mother informed me that he had perception issues. His eyesight was perfectly fine, but the water looked to him as if it was 10 feet beneath him. Honestly even I would be frightened of a 10 foot jump into water. Now obviously the water wasn't 10 feet below him, it was at his feet and he could feel it, but that wasn't what he saw.

 

Most fears in the modern world are irrational.

 

If you think about it, this isn't much different than any other anxiety people deal with in the world today. A irrational difference in perception, his was just a physical manifestation of these "mental" fears. He could feel the water at his feet, so he knew that it was right beneath him, but his eyes said otherwise, an confusing conundrum. Maybe there is some medical explanation that I don't know of for his condition, but what I said sounds good, so I'll roll with it.

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     Like I said previously, I deal with significant anxiety, so I'm going to put this story on pause and relate to you some of my experiences. In particular I want to tell you about how my anxiety affected me while I was searching for a job after I left college.

 

I started my job search at hardware stores and supermarkets, or I would have liked to at least. I was given a car by my parents and they told me go out to stores, walk in, and ask customer service or wherever for a job application. Sounds like a good plan honestly, putting yourself out there and making a good impression with the people that will be hiring you. So I got in the car, drove to the first hardware store, and sat in the parking lot for 4 hours, then drove home.

 

Of course, I wanted to get a job, but I just became paralyzed in the parking lot. I would get to thinking, "what if there's nobody there" "What if they ask something I'm not expecting" "what if they don't like me or I make myself look like a fool" "am I even wearing the right clothes for this?"

 

I did this at 3 different stores on three different days, until finally I made a plan to deal with my anxiety. When the car's clock struck the 45 minute mark, I would just release my inhibitions. I would forget everything, clear my mind, and just let myself go. What this solved for me was taking that first step off the edge of my anxiety. Once I was out of the car and moving towards the building, I was acting. Once I was in the action, I had no reason to stop.

 

I didn't end up getting a job at any of those places because I never followed up due to other anxieties, but that's a whole 'nother story. Also I'm terrified of talking on the phone so I never responded when they called me. But that's peripheral to what happened today. Today was about taking the jump, the first step.

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     Back to the young man at the waters edge. I wanted to do something to help him, so I told him about how I use the clock. How I set a time, and when that time comes instead of thinking about the action, I think about the time, and release my inhibitions and let myself go. I know that in the end everything is going to work out. I helped him through some initial steps, getting in the water, feeling it, putting his feet in and looking at it. I asked him to set a time, and when that time came to just let himself fall in because I'd shown him that there was nothing to fear.

 

While the jump may look to be an impossible distance, you will land exactly where you started.

 

At the end of the day, your fears are simply in your mind. They may feel overwhelmingly powerful, and completely paralyzing, but once you make the jump and face your fears, you'll realize you're in the exact same place and nothing bad has happened, and hopefully understand the irrationality a bit better.

 

In the end I was unfortunately unsuccessful at helping the boy to make the jump. I was working with him for almost 45 minutes. He came very close to jumping many times, but I guess it's very difficult to tell your mind that what your eyes are seeing is a lie. I honestly wish I had just a couple more minutes with him, in part I feel very angry with my self for being unsuccessful, but I also am very proud of myself for acting in a social way.

 

I faced another fear today. I was terrified to go over and talk to him and his scout master and see if I could help. My whole body was shaking, and I was almost covered in sweat. When I did end up going over, I could barely speak and my words came out broken and my sentences unfinished. I have a very strong compulsion to help others, but I am terribly afraid of talking with people I don't know, especially if I'm the one initiating the conversation. 15 minutes into my shift was 3:45... If I'd have been able to face my fears sooner in a different way, maybe I would've been successful in helping him overcome his fears.

 

 

Often times the largest hurdles we face, end up being the smallest jumps we take.

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I just want to apologize here if my formatting or anything was horrible. I'm not the best at putting thoughts into words, and even worse at putting words onto paper (or a computer). I also hope what I said wasn't too confusing or convoluted, and maybe a bit relatable.

 

I also want to wish whoever reads this a wonderful day