Sleeping in the Lion's Den, or the Melancholy of Jasper Fox

[Guest]

Sometimes, I just don't think I can keep holding on. My closest friends, and even my girlfriend want me to stay, and even insist that things will get better. I tell myself that too, but is it just sweet lies to get me to live another day? This is what I have to share:

 

I've been in and out of bad situations, including having to cut ties with my mother, who would countlessly threaten to beat me to death, and even pulled a knife on me at one point. This is how it began. I didn't know how deep this downward spiral would go, especially for an eleven year old child who had just had the innocence torn from their hands, and burned alive. I never knew what that dread feeling was until I had turned fifteen, and realized that the girl I had fallen in love with did not feel the same way. At the time, she didn't like the fact that a girl had a crush on her, and so her white knights did their best to make my life a living hell. I finally reached my breaking point when I had come home after they cornered and beat me, and tried to end it all. I thought I had succeeded, until I woke up wondering why I was still alive, and why everything hurt. I continued to live on with that hurt, and eventually became numb to it. I didn't even care about how I felt anymore, so I just turned myself into a faceless doll for someone to use for themselves. I kept this visage up well after graduating from high school, and even after moving back in with my abusive mother. My father and grandmother figured making me live with her would "shape me up", and teach me independence. Instead, it made that dread feeling intensify, and the number of suicide attempts increased. I sought comfort with my now ex-girlfriend, whose grip on me became very toxic, very quickly. She started by pretending to care about me, only to then force me to please her against my will. She threatened to break up with me on a daily basis, knowing full well how much it would devastate me in such a sensitive family situation unless I gave into her desires, which usually became sexual favors I did not want. But I kept on, hoping that things would get better. My mother, meanwhile, was not happy with my decision to come out as transgender to her, and proceeded to list off almost every single thing that I'm sure most, if not all trans people have heard. I'll always be a girl, or I'm just doing it for attention, or whatever. She hated me for coming out, regardless of her protests saying otherwise. I lived the rest of my days with my mother in fear, not only for myself, but for my (at the time) four year old half brother. When I finally was able to leave my mother for good, and live with my grandmother, I thought things would get better. I finally cut off my abusive ex-girlfriend, and did my best to improve. But it didn't. I only became worse, much to my grandmother's disdain. For a long time, I thought I was alone, and didn't know that someone, somewhere, had done the exact same. Joining this community opened new doors for me, and I found my new place, despite still feeling those grips of dread tugging at my heart. The feelings of self doubt remain still, evident of my growing alcohol abuse issues that persist still even as I write this. It numbs the dread, and helps me forget the problems that cloud my conscience. But is it enough? Will it get rid of impending homelessness? Will it help bring money? Who the fuck knows? It's a temporary fix, and helps me to forget my problems for once. Maybe someday, things will get better, but I still have my doubts. 

 

My name is Jasper Fox, and this is my story. 

[Felicity]

I think you need some comic relief in this story.

 

Ok, that probably sounds crass but hear me out. that's an awful situation but I hope you have some good times to look back on. Silver linings and golden memories spice the bitter thoughts and make things palatable, at least for me.

 

You know what went wrong. Maybe you can figure out how to steer things the right way, starting with a smile and the willingness to go out and seek your fortune. If you have a job, any job, and you're earning your keep, no one can ever really criticise you. You can settle yourself and start building the foundations for something better for you and your family.

 

Of course you could dismiss these as sweet, idealistic words. Whatever you do, you're in rebron. It's a cool place. Enjoy.