What am I even doing

[TwinAero]

[Redacted]

Edited June 26, 2017 by TwinAero

[Amethyst]

Well this is heavy.

Even in a situation with no way out, you won't get anywhere until you learn to be kind to yourself. Conversely being hard on yourself doesn't help. Do you really want your internal voice to take after your mother's?

 

In any case, stay strong. Sometimes going through the motions is what it takes. 

[Alphagar]

*Offers hugs*

Ame is right...hang in there.

[BRS swag]

On 6/18/2017 at 2:34 AM, TwinAero said:

Why bring me into this world if you don't want me?

Kid

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Kid, second child of a family that formed out of grandparents pressuring their son to wed and get a son, even though said couple barely knows each other well enough to kiss or even hold hands.
To every ones dismay, the second son turn out to be not academically or physically accomplished as their firstborn daughter. Far from it. This pitiful boy doesn't make friends, isn't outgoing, barely passes academic advancement tests. But they love him anyway, because good parents love their child no matter anything ʘ‿ʘ

 

What of the wife that was pressured into this mess? Turns out she got locked into an abusive relationship with an alcoholic that is very enthusiastic to forcefully share the joys of alcohol with his son not older than 7, defiance usually resulting in a beating. Not sure when it stopped, when the wife started to submit herself to the beatings to get it over with quicker, he got bored since she didn't fear the beatings anymore? Or was he bored of watching the boy always falling unconscious before taking a second mouthful?

 

I wonder what that does to the mind of a woman who grew up sheltered. Oh right, I don't have to wonder. What even is mental illness? I feel like they don't ever properly describe the actual condition or situation. Its alright tho, because she very often repeats to the boy how she is mentally ill and needs help, but is preoccupied because she needs to provide love worth of two parents due to the alcoholic husband and how she would have divorced and lived a happy and satisfying life if not for how much she loved her children and wanted them to be happy so she stayed and suffered for their sake. Sounds vulnerableSomeone in need of enlightenment! perfect place for cultreligion to sink their influence in!

 

Youth

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Youth, boy's grades are terrible, why is it so bad? It can't possibly be that he nearly died hospitalized from a fever and had to start first grade late and expected to catch up with no tutelage or help. No, he just isn't working hard enough. Stop being so lazy, this is important; this is your future, you have to take your studies seriously, Your life will be a living hell if you don't get a good education. Mother doesn't know what to do! Her child if fucking up his own future with his laziness! How do I help him? Her colleague very gladly advises her, cane your child, children must be caned or they grow rebellious! All her colleagues agree, they must be correct, because their children are all doing better than the pitiful boy yeah?

It hurts. Please stop. I am trying. No I'm not lying, I really am trying. Yes I know the answers are right in the textbook but I don't remember them during the test. please it hurts please stop. I will try harder. I will try harder. I will try harder next time. IT HURTS PLEASE STOP. I WILL TRY HARDER NOW, NOT NEXT TIME I WILL STUDY HARD NOW AND SHOW RESULTS NOW PLEASE STOP IT HURTS.
Miracles don't happen, grades do improve but they don't all pass. And it certainly feels like the boys pain tolerance is improving as slowly as his academic performance. Can't be helped, its for his own good yeah? Please work hard, you are such a brilliant child, so smart and brilliant, but you will only succeed if you work hard. you WILL succeed if you just work hard, wise people have said so, it must be true! Please stop being lazy, the caning hurts me far more than it does you, my heart hurts, I don't want to cane you but you won't stop being lazy. This is for your own good, please stop hurting me.

Miracles don't happen. Improvement is slow, very slow, too slow. It hurts, it hurts. Mother wants to know why won't you stop hurting her, you're hurting her so much by forcing her to cane the lazy boy who won't stop being lazy, why won't you stop being lazy, do you not love your mother? Why do you want to cause her hurt? No no no, don't blame the boy for everything, its irresponsible yeah? Mother has to free the boy from evil temptations, it is those evil temptations that are destroying his life. A responsible mother should get rid all his comics, toys and that pokémon thing he's addicted to. That will free him from the temptations oh yes.

It works! The boy passed every subject once the evil temptations were removed! Totally not because of the gradual improvement that would have meant the boy would be passing this examination regardless. Nope, Thank god for the wisdom and blessing. See? doing as they say really worked. You must have faith, and uphold the commandments they set.

Boy doesn't suddenly become a flawless human tho, he's forgetful a few times he forgot his lunch box and the caning fiesta brought all that juicy nostalgia back. Try not to forgetful, it causes trouble for everyone, and pain. Who knows what would happen if you lose something valuable again. ....what? You lost your PHONE!? . . . Not sure if it was stupidity or fear, but the boy managed to hide the fact for months, in hindsight, that was atrociously stupid, what are you afraid of? More Caning? The Screams? Dying? Parental figure self-harming in the name of your sin? Silly boy, things get much worse and they never get better, you should have confessed and begged for forgiveness. Stupid boy.

You nearly got your mother killed. Because you hurt her so bad for being a sinful liar, lying that you hadn't lost your item for months, and attempting to cover it up. Because you refused to confess to your sins your mother kept trying to kill herself so that god would show her the truth. It took a close-call for a near double suicide in a high speed car crash for you to confess that you are evil and must devote yourself to god so you don't burn in hell. Yes, all this is for you, if it weren't for you none of this suffering would have occurred, everyone could have been happy. But they will gladly suffer for you. Such brave and selfless parental love.

Oh? More good news, the boy is accepted back into the home! But because of his sin, she tells him the boy is no longer his son, but she will allow him to live with them on probation, if he swears to live cleanly from now on, maybe one day he will be accepted back. The boy doesn't want to be accepted back tho. The boy wants to die, he doesn't want to keep hurting everyone he interacts with, he doesn't want to cause pain and suffering in the world, pain is unpleasant, it hurts very much. But disappearing doesn't solve anything, he remembers the time his diary was discovered and read thoroughly about his detail plan to run away from home. He remembers well what would happen to the mother, a mother that couldn't properly raise her son will burn in hell, and will be very painfully self-harming to rid herself of the great sin. So now he understands. Lies are not a lie if you get caught, it is a failure. You must learn to lie, you must lie and not be caught, lie that you are happy, lie that you are grateful, lie that you love, lie that you want to live.

 

Don't fucking bring me into this world if you don't fucking want me.

Adolescence
 

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Well the boy really can't be blamed that he never thought of this before, how would a child have thought that decades long worth of sexless marriage was natural? How could he possibly have recognized the signs of adultery? Well fret not! Because the housewife made sure her children understand, sex is so evil, evil temptations that destroys people and leads them to sin. Firstborn took it in rather well, learning how evil men are and what sinful sex crazed beast they can be, good men never want sex. Sex is sinful, sex is evil.
And you believed that didn't you? You were a late bloomer so you judged others so quickly and condemn them to being filthy. All because you haven't developed a sex drive, laughable.

The boy doesn't want to be evil, but what are these thoughts? What are these feelings that keep returning? Lust? Why does it naturally happen? It is said that only the evil lusts, why does the boy feel it so prominently? If nothing is done, will the boy turn into a rapist and adulterer? That disgusting behavior that caused him so much pain, he will inflict onto other people? Is self-castration the only answer? Why does the boy keep feeling this way? Is it because the boy is born evil? Even prisoners and sinners sometimes have their reasons, but the boy is now feeling lust just by breathing and living, is... is the boy the most evil person who ever live? Will he inevitably turn into a serial rapist if he carries on?
Yeah no, it was more like you felt guilty every post-orgasm, during your high time you didn't give two shits about all this morality crap. Maybe for the first time in your life you were honest to yourself, you enjoyed the lust, your sex drive. Because you kept it well hidden this time, you had something you enjoyed in life. You had a desire to live, to enjoy it. Don't sprinkle that selfless noble crap all over it, you're letting that abusive woman influence you.

Fortunately the internet was a thing here, even more fortunately the boy's raid partner in a MMO he was playing was a call girl, she very patiently gave him Q&A sessions that helped him understand sexuality. No sin, no fate, no destiny, no evil, no miracle, no shame, no stigma, no judgements, no taboo. Just human biological functions. Maybe this can be called porn addiction, or a psychological crutch of a demented person. But life can be pleasant, not just because the absence of suffering, but the presence of joy.
Lol come on, its just the dopamine, it must have felt like you choked on weed with how depressed you were at the time. Do you really need to make every damn thing sound grandiose every time?

 

 

 

 

Adult
 

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Unfortunately that doesn't solve every other fuckup going on in his life, his innate ability to be disgusted and hated by peers, poor academic performance that only became more obvious, effort doesn't do jack shit when you're at university level, everyone is working hard here, thinking you could possibly pull through with "I'll try harder than anyone else!" Is beyond naive and stupid. You traveled thousands of meters away from that "home", looking to escape and build your own life, but you forgot who you have been for the last 20 years? A failure. This was never going to work, you can blame your lack of talent all you want, but this was the obvious outcome and you just ignored it, choosing to live a delusional life for as long as possible, before reality came crashing down on you. Years later now, you have no job, no qualification, no degree, no working experience, no income, no money, no hope. What do you do?

Why are you talking in third person? And to be fair some ego was at play here, you picked an engineering degree, really maybe could have picked something easier? You went on and on about doing anything it takes to get a job, ever wondered you might be good at something you hate? You didn't think twice about trying them at all, so much for "doing anything".

Funny really, after all that internal complaining and whining, I ended up fucking crawling back home with my tail between my legs, all because I couldn't house and feed myself anymore. I went back to that home I crossed an entire ocean to escape just because I am a failure. In fact, this outcome was so obvious I DID plan for it. I promised myself if I had ever failed I would end it there. There is literally nothing left for me to do, killing myself is the correct choice, every rationalizing tells me that is the best solution. Why haven't I done it? Hilarious, so funny, really, after ALL that bravado bullshit about this being the last chance to fix my life. I COULDN'T FUCKING DO IT. MORE THAN ONCE I HAVE TRIED. I COULD NOT DO IT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. Is it because I'm afraid? Despite all the shit I put up on a daily basis dying still scares me? Is it because I'm angry, I came into this world solely to suffer and die quietly like a good little slave? Is it because I'm cautious, without a guaranteed way to kill myself things will get worse if I get caught not dead? I don't know, but now I'm stuck. Apparently I'm so big of a failure I even failed to commit suicide, wonder if that is some sort of record.
You don't want to admit it, but despite the toxic relationship you have you can't bear to hurt your family can you? That facade you created since that time. They love it, they like the perfect persona you tailored to deal with them, and as long as they don't realize you're an irredeemably broken human that they created, you can't bring yourself to hurt them by letting them see your suicide. Even though once again you will cause them more grief in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

So here I am, being a parasite.
A financial burden and disappointment to my family if I live, but a mental stress and trauma if I die. I go through the motions of "improving my life" but at this point I know better. Things will continue getting worse as they have, and everyday I don't finish myself I am being cowardly and selfish.

Yeah right, "going through the motions"? who are you fucking kidding, you're attention whoring on some internet forum and you complain about the situation getting worse when you're doing everything you can? Stop trying to whitewash your own failures, no one is buying your delusions.

 

 

Dude, you are not what you have thought about yourself. You feel like that becoz you have that hunger of doing something great in life, you hate failures coz even there you try to find success which is something really great. This happens to many people in less intensity and there are a few who are very gifted and nothing like that happens to them. You are another kind of person, the one who learns from suffering and pain and it is your type who shall bloom like a flower and better than any of the two other type of people. People who understand pain and suffering grow daily. They attain true strength. Believe me, I had a similar situation in my teens, but I found my way out by nothing more than what your feeling is here. You feel like it coz you value human life and everyone gets rapid drives to the opposite sex but it is just a matter of how well you control them. You are not lying to yourself by doing this but doing a favour to yourself. Trust me, you will enjoy life once you control rapid emotions like lust, anger, hatred, greed, possessiveness, pride and the like. The control you enforce on these emotions gives you true strength which no food or no gym can give. Just close your eyes and sit freely to yourself. All the answers we need are within us. We only need to believe in ourselves. 

About mingling with people, it is easy too. You need to initiate the conversations. Talk to them in a comfortable way. Don't let your emotions rule you. Be open to any kind of help people might need from you or the vice-versa. You will realize that after sometime, you will never feel alone. You will make a lot of friends and also some valuable friends who are like your other pieces who can make you feel complete. No one can sit and see a person working hard day-in day-out. They will try to do any small help possible. Hard work, belief, originality and never-say-fail attitude can make anyone a rare jewel, one of a kind. You are born for a purpose. Death never comes till you fulfill it. Death is never the answer. Nothing goes waste. Your past suffering shall make you great. Peace dude.

[Zarc]

You are probably crossing a bad moment on your life right know , but don't keep telling yourself all this things , you will find the strength to move on and find your way too. Don't hesitate to speak with others peoples just like you did right know , believe me it help a lot  

[CrossImpact]

I'd be lying if I said I "understand" your situation. For now, please be safe.

I'll stay on the practical side of things.
Because what I -can- totally relate to is the part of your feelings and the reality about being a financial burden, and feeling like something was "the last chance to fix your life" - which also seems to be the crucial aspect for you these days, am I getting that correctly?
Once you'd be on your own two feet, everything be -so- much better?

In that case, maybe there is some line of work you enjoy? Look at the possibilities for that. And don't be fooled - you definitely don't need an academic degree. If vocational training is as far as you want to go, you can become happy with that too. Plus, you can return to an academic education at any later point in time if you ever desire to do so again. Make up your mind about that. Choose what feels right for you - and for you only.
People like us can try to give advice or find soothing words. But only -you- can really start things off. Don't hesitate to take your life into your own two hands once more!
I wish you all the best.

[Alphagar]

You could also potentially seek counseling/medication. I am a wreck without my meds.

 

Edit: Hang in there you are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Edited June 20, 2017 by Alphagar

[TwinAero]

2 hours ago, CrossImpact said:

I'd be lying if I said I "understand" your situation. For now, please be safe.

I'll stay on the practical side of things.
Because what I -can- totally relate to is the part of your feelings and the reality about being a financial burden, and feeling like something was "the last chance to fix your life" - which also seems to be the crucial aspect for you these days, am I getting that correctly?
Once you'd be on your own two feet, everything be -so- much better?

In that case, maybe there is some line of work you enjoy? Look at the possibilities for that. And don't be fooled - you definitely don't need an academic degree. If vocational training is as far as you want to go, you can become happy with that too. Plus, you can return to an academic education at any later point in time if you ever desire to do so again. Make up your mind about that. Choose what feels right for you - and for you only.
People like us can try to give advice or find soothing words. But only -you- can really start things off. Don't hesitate to take your life into your own two hands once more!
I wish you all the best.

 

I guess the frustrating thing is that given where I currently live, getting a degree is mandatory for me, as someone who lacks the social connections and people relationships relying on paper qualifications is really the only way I can get anywhere. I don't think vocational career is a thing over here, given the heavy outsourcing of labor because it allows them to fiddle with minimum wage laws, why bother with proper salary when foreign workers are willing to work for a quarter the pay right? Familial relationships wasn't the only reason I tried so hard to flee the country.

[TwinAero]

Its hard to stop the panic from creeping in when you can see things progressively getting worse and nothing you do is stopping it, or everything you try just flat out worsens the situation.

The idea of 'There is no way to fix this you should hurry up and end yourself!; There is a way to fix this why don't you hurry up and do it?' screaming in your head everyday, when you're not even sure if struggling through the day is the right thing to do, its maddening.

 

Not sure if spilling my guts out in an emotional outburst was the smartest thing to do, but apparently seeing people somehow give a damn makes me feel better. So thanks.

[BRS swag]

Anytime dude. Remember that your true self will never be controlled by anyone or anything such as the emotional outburst you are facing. Give it your all and leave the rest to "time"........he's rough but a good buddy too