What I Had To Go Through This Year

[Cool Girl]

This year has been one of the toughest years I've ever been through. I don't feel like myself anymore. This year, I had 5 people that I know pass away. This is how it all started. Last summer, in August, a classmate of mine committed suicide. Now flashforward to December, the school grabs us by one by one and asks us how we're doing. I tell them I'm doing fine. They said we don't think so and then they take away two of my classes, science elective and Calculus, then they say you have to attend mandatory therapy. They say if I can't agree to all of this, they'll have to expel me. I cried hysterically, I felt scared, I felt my life was threatened. And well, the passing of more friends and family certainly didn't help. For about two months, I was scared to go to school. Everytime I would go to school, my hands would shake. If I saw the faces of the people who did this to me, I would scream. For a month, I could barely eat anything. Now, they say time heal all wounds. That has been the case somewhat, but I am still deeply affected. Here's how I've been affected:

1) I lost all of my self-esteem. I lost all of my confidence.

2) I'm scared to talk and I'm scared to ask questions at times. Heck, I feel like I'm scared of everything. I think it's because I feel like if I talk or ask a question, I'm going to go through it again.

3) I feel like failure. I feel like everything I'm going to do, I'll fail.

4) I doubt myself a lot. Just as I'm about to do something, I then doubt myself. For example, college. I say to myself that I'll go to college, and then, I say I won't go because I feel like I don't deserve it because I'm failure.

5) I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel more angry most times for no reason. I don't know why. I used to be an optimist and now, it feels like I'm a pessimist. Pretty much, I feel like I lost hope. Like I'm just in this deep sadness and I'm trying to get out of it.

6) I feel hated everywhere I go. Therefore, which is why I'm probably scared.

7) Sometimes, I get nightmares. But, it's usually not a problem.

All these feelings have somewhat led me to feeling suicidal, but I can control it at times, which is good.

That being said, I have taken steps to try and recover from all of this.

1) I somewhat have my mom as support. My mom may not understand what I'm going through, but at least she tries to help me as much as she can.

2) I've started meditating. So my friends keep telling me I should meditate when I feel stressed out, so I have.

3) I'm trying to go out more. I'm hoping that spending more time with people will restore my faith in humanity.

 

I know this is all hard to believe. But, you may be asking. Why is this affecting me so deeply? Well, because at my previous school, I was bullied. And having to go through this, makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere.

 

Now, I did want to go to Tunisia to see my grandparents to truly recover, but that can't happen due to safety. So, I guess I just have to work with what I have.

 

I wanted to tell you guys my story 'cause I don't want anybody to go through what I went through. Honestly, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It really took a lot for me to just write this. Heck, my hands were a bit shaky when I wrote this. I hope you guys may have a better understanding of why there are times I'm just not myself or I feel sad.

 

If you guys have any questions or advice or anything to say, please let me know. I'll be happy to hear you out.

[Hycrox]

Spoiler

 

My point being: You're great, and I recommend that you live live however you want

[personmanthing]

As someone who tried to ill myself in the past, I can say that life is cruel. Don't give up. If you have had fun in the past, then you can have fun and enjoy life in the future. Know that your safe here and that everyone here at the forum will help you. I am normally a lurker; however, I'll be on most of the time from now on if you need someone to talk to.

[Wolfox]

wow, that's quite a burden... not really sure what to say about this, other than that I know how most of these things feel

[Jmanultrax1]

Knowing you for as long as a I have on the reborn forums, it bothers me to know that you feel that way. But I also know that you aren't the type of person to just accept things like this and will you're hardest to change it. I see you as a strong person, so I know that you will overcome this and come out on top better than before.

[Zarc]

don't give up , you're strong and you will make it. But you don't need to face this alone , never forget you can count on us to help you too  

[LykosHand]

Hello Coolgirl,

 

 

I'm so sorry that you have passed all these ugly things, i honestly can't know what you've been through, but just reading and trying to imagine what happened to you makes me feel sad. And it is pure truth, i swear it. I can advise you isn't to try bad things, of course i can't know what do you feel in this moment, but please don't do that kind of thing. If i have to be honest, i don't like when one person has the mind to commit suicide, it will certainly have its reasons for doing so, but you don't have to waste your life in this way. Try to find trust in yourself and i'm sure you'll find it with the time. I deeply hate bullies because they take advantage of people's weaknesses and this is a very bad thing. I hope that one day you will get out of this situation.

 

 

See you soon, LykosHand

[mde2001]

Sorry to hear you've gone through so much!

 

As much as it seems you didn't want to do the counselling, I'm sure the teachers were trying to help you, because by the sounds of things you really weren't okay in the first place. I completely understand that counselling can be scary, but it could have helped you a lot, because while all of us are always willing to talk with you, most of us have no qualification to do so. So even while you hated your school counselling, I'd recommend trying to find someone external to talk to, because you currently don't seem to be mentally well. Now that you're moving on from school, it would be best to find a way to try to start afresh, and given how pervasive your bad memories seem to be, talking to a trained psychologist about your problems would be the best course of action. 

[Alphagar]

*Hugs* Hang in there.

 

I am so sorry for your losses. May they R.I.P.

[Anime]

@DW~ stop bullying CG @Cool Girl i'm prolly a very bad advisor but i have to tell you this: i'm so sorry you had to go through all of these horrible things, but you have to stay strong

[Paul25]

I feel so sorry for you  

Thus, There's only a thing I can say that never lose your hope.

[HongaarseBeer]

It saddens me to hear this. I can't really give you any advice, unfortunately, but I am certain that you will overcome the suicidal thoughts. As long as you keep working on the things you've set yourself up for your recovery, I'm sure you will turn out okay!

 

It is important for you to always keep at least faith in yourself because without that, you're nowhere.

 

If you ever feel the need to talk, be my guest. I will listen to what you have to say

[Jess]

Dear @Cool Girl,

I don't personally know you, but I've heard great words about you from people I know in here. So, I'll just talk based on my own life experiences. Big revelations might come, so, anyone not interested can skip my post...

On 6/24/2017 at 10:24 PM, Cool Girl said:

1) I lost all of my self-esteem. I lost all of my confidence.

I know what it feels like. My father's father (aka grandpa) never liked me. And I really wanted him to like me. My father was the fourth child of his family and he was kinda cut off from them. But I wanted his parents to like me. And then, he died. And I never got to get his approval, a proof he liked me. Since my other grandpa died when I was 3, the next day of my birthday, I haven't actually felt how it is to have a grandpa. And I had lost my confidence that I can make someone appreciate me. Same when I broke up from my first long-term relationship after highschool.

 

On 6/24/2017 at 10:24 PM, Cool Girl said:

2) I'm scared to talk and I'm scared to ask questions at times. Heck, I feel like I'm scared of everything. I think it's because I feel like if I talk or ask a question, I'm going to go through it again.

It is not bad to bury things that hurt you. Bury them deep, don't talk about them, and the time will come when you'll be able to face them. Going through it again is painful, but it makes the next time less painful. Nobody will rush you into things. And if they do, frankly, toss a ripe tomato in their face  

 

On 6/24/2017 at 10:24 PM, Cool Girl said:

3) I feel like failure. I feel like everything I'm going to do, I'll fail.

I won a scholarship for a PhD abroad (England) last year. Went there, was getting 1500 pounds per month and got a depression. The reasons are too long, but I quit. And felt like I'm failing my parents, my life, everything. I got a PhD in Athens now. I don't know if I will succeed. I don't know anything. But I keep trying. Just day by day. Never look too far, just aim for every day to accomplish a tiny thing. Then, at the end of the day, when at bed, think about it. As hard as you can. Till it fills you. Till this tiny success becomes you. The next day, do same. Then, in a year, look back. See what all those tiny successes accumulated themselves into. Keep doing this. Live. For yourself, and for all of us who are silently suffering or have suffered the same.

 

On 6/24/2017 at 10:24 PM, Cool Girl said:

4) I doubt myself a lot. Just as I'm about to do something, I then doubt myself. For example, college. I say to myself that I'll go to college, and then, I say I won't go because I feel like I don't deserve it because I'm failure.

Motivate yourself! College. You "have to go". But, as you go, you can have an ice cream cone! The nice one, from the machine, pull the handle, pour the cream, get a brainfreeze! Do something similar every day. Wake up early and have a shower. Or a long bath. Soak in. Empty your head. Mine is half-empty all the time, so I skip this part. But when I feel as a failure I think that, I'm already a failure... As bad as it can be, right? So, no pressure! If I fail again, no biggie. If I don't, wow! An unexpected success. Like when Greece won European Championship at football on 2004! 

 

On 6/24/2017 at 10:24 PM, Cool Girl said:

5) I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel more angry most times for no reason. I don't know why. I used to be an optimist and now, it feels like I'm a pessimist. Pretty much, I feel like I lost hope. Like I'm just in this deep sadness and I'm trying to get out of it.

I feel anger, despair and sadness a lot sometimes. Hell, I'd be Junko Enoshima's IRL clone sometimes. So, what I do? Punch things! Punch a pillow. Knock it at bed. Perform every WWE Smackdown move you know on it. Till you laugh. Then think of your favourite food and cook it yourself! See, it tastes good. Thing when you feel like this is that you can't actually "feel". I know what it is like, it isn't actually pain or sadness, it's numbness. So, you need to counter it, by feeling stuff. I'm not an expert, I just state stuff I do.  

 

On 6/24/2017 at 10:24 PM, Cool Girl said:

6) I feel hated everywhere I go. Therefore, which is why I'm probably scared.

7) Sometimes, I get nightmares. But, it's usually not a problem.

This was true for me for about half my school years because of bullying. Really bad one. To the point of getting your face glued on a wall for the entire duration of breaks between classes. And, sometimes, nightmares hit me. Have a small light as you sleep at a socket near you. I still have a Nestle blue bear shaped one that I plug in. When I jump up, it's the first thing I see. And I talk to it sometimes. Yes, I am weird, yes, I am 26 years old, but I know I'm messed up and immature sometimes. And if my immaturity helps me stay sane, I will remain immature till my last breath!  

 

On 6/24/2017 at 10:24 PM, Cool Girl said:

I wanted to tell you guys my story 'cause I don't want anybody to go through what I went through. Honestly, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It really took a lot for me to just write this. Heck, my hands were a bit shaky when I wrote this. I hope you guys may have a better understanding of why there are times I'm just not myself or I feel sad.

 

If you guys have any questions or advice or anything to say, please let me know. I'll be happy to hear you out.

Finally, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn't want to play smart. But I am not the person who will just console the other and say how sorry I feel. Because:

1) It doesn't help. Advice is important, sharing our pains is, just stating how sorry we are changes nothing, even though compassion is nice to feel.

2) There is nothing to feel sorry about, when I read your letter. You will emerge victorious and much stronger, because you will embrace it and it will forge your soul. You know, the way that the Sword of Gryffindor only absorbed stuff that made it stronger. Your hardships are the Basilisc's blood. And you'll eventually be able to use them to destroy your own fears. 

 

I make no sense, I know, but I hope you will remember this in a few years and smile, because it will have become reality.

 

Apologies for the long, tiring letter. and my nerdy and awkward references to movies, sports or my life.

 

Best wishes,

Jess  

[Mysterious Fox Assassin]

Sometimes, it does feel like life is trying to spite you for existing. Going through emotional highs and lows this school year as well as truly seeing people for who they really are, it feels as if life isn't meant for me. Heck, I still feel that way. However, I do believe in the power of a test and this definitely is a test. I know we all hate being tested, but it can't be helped. Be strong. Never give up hope. Persevere. Show the world that you aren't fazed by this test it's giving you even when hope seems lost. If you feel like you can't do it alone or it's too much, the Reborn community will be happy to bolster you with confidence or what have you.