On the topic of moving on

[Candy]

Might as well add to this section a little bit of myself

... Or rather, to ask for advice on what to do with a hopeless case? I don't know haha

 

So my problem is this: I'm the creepy girl who can't get over loving a person she fell in love at the age of 14.

If you want a short story to get a gist of the matter, go ahead and read this insipid thing.

Or if you want to know what used to happen on the days of his birthday (laughing and sighing at the same time)

Spoiler

But to the story about his birthdays there's a 2017 update.

During the year 2016, he happened to "Like" two of my friggin Facebook posts (which had never happened before), so around December, I made up my mind that I'd try posting "Happy birthday" on his wall this year. Good thing I had half a year of mental preparation, because as the date grew close, I was losing confidence at an exponential rate.

May 10 this year I had a business final (college) at 9AM. I arrived at 8:30, and debated whether to write the post then or after the exam. I wanted to look "casual".

But all the anticipation was killing me, and I was afraid I couldn't concentrate on what was really important - my exam. So I ended up typing the two words, taking a quick breath, and pressing "Post". I regretted doing that a whole lot, and the regret only deepened when hours passed and he hadn't commented thanks or something like he did for his friends in the past.

However, hope was still there (for better or for worse) because he hadn't replied to any of the other posts either (and shall I mention that I failed to look "casual" because there were only like 9 posts including mine? Guess everyone else is messaging him instead, but I'd been counting on the "camouflage" by other birthday posts)

At around the time I finished my other exam (I had two that day), xD no suspenseful pauses or anything. Yes, he commented a "Thanks :')" eventually.

I'm a realist (and widely known as a pessimist) so it makes me feel dumb to think that a short word like that made my week. Heck I had a depressing yesterday and today, and it's already brightening up my mood. What an idiot!

Anyway that was that. Moving on...

 

Here's the list of things I've said to myself, to get a grip (because honestly, it's pathetic):

Spoiler

"It's been friggin 8 years"

"The guy probably barely remembers your name"

"He'd think it's creepy"

"You were a 14 year old, I mean come on"

"The guy isn't even that handsome"

"The guy isn't the same person as he was 8 years ago"

"You live in a continent 10,000 km from where he lives, and you'll never see him again"

"You need to move on, slowpoke"

"Honestly, you're not even his type"

"He didn't love you 8 years ago, and will never do"

... etc but you get the idea

 

Maybe I'm not creative enough to think of ways to forget a person.

But I'm actually needing an antidote, because this is harming my life - I can't seem to fall in love with anyone, and it's worrying my mother xD

I'm starting to introduce myself as asexual, because it's easier than to explain myself

 

Laugh, comment or give me advice, or anything really.

I hope the thought that there is this type of dumb people like me out there made someone a little happier too  

[Alphagar]

Talking always helps.

[Candy]

1 hour ago, Alphagar said:

Talking always helps.

yup, at least writing it out like it is was nice for me psyche

[Filthy Casual]

It sounds like there is one option you have: message him on Facebook and see if he wants to hang out with you (as friends only). I say that because if you don't, you sound like you're going to regret it. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. The sun will still rise the next day.

[Shadowsusanoo]

1 hour ago, FactoryofSadness said:

It sounds like there is one option you have: message him on Facebook and see if he wants to hang out with you (as friends only). I say that because if you don't, you sound like you're going to regret it. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. The sun will still rise the next day.

Absolutely right! Try it atleast  you wont regret not doing that afterwards.

[LykosHand]

Like FactoryofSadness said, i suggest you to try to message him again. About the words to send ti him, try to ask if he want to go out with you and other things. Remember Candy if he will say no (i hope not) at least you had tried and this is important ; Only two time i have managed to have a girlfriend but many times no, and then i think "well I tried at least" and this is important in my opinion . I hope things will go in the right direction for you Candy

[RedAlert]

It's always difficult dealing with things like this, some people's attributes are just retended for a longer time inside your memory/heart. I'd advise you not to message him on Facebook, as the moving on process is much harder when he is close by, and as you say yourself, you still have feelings for him. Just my opinion though

 

Good luck and I'm here if you want to talk

 

 

[HongaarseBeer]

To everyone saying that they should try to hang out, Candy mentioned that they live 10,000 km apart from each other. So that's hardly possible I think

 

What I would do is just full on break any ties you have to him. If you don't you are very easily reminded of him which will hold you back. So what I would do is delete him from all your social media accounts etc. This might help you in getting over your love for him because you are no longer reminded of him. Of course, this won't happen within a day (the forgetting) but I think it will make it easier for you to look past your love for him and maybe start hanging out with others.

 

And if he decides to contact you, really think about whether you want to get in touch with him or not. Falling for it could make you even more dependent on his love.

 

These are just my two cents. I'm not saying you should do this, I'm just saying that this is what I would do. But then, I might be slightly emotionally numb

[Wolfox]

I'm gonna agree with Hongaar here.

 

Although I will add the "IT'S BEEN 8 YEARS!" to the occasion. I'm not saying it will be easy, yet it's likely your best option

also: Remember that it's not giving up,

 

Edited July 26, 2017 by Wolfox

[Amethyst]

5 hours ago, Candy said:

Here's the list of things I've said to myself, to get a grip (because honestly, it's pathetic):

  Hide contents

"It's been friggin 8 years"

"The guy probably barely remembers your name"

"He'd think it's creepy"

"You were a 14 year old, I mean come on"

"The guy isn't even that handsome"

"The guy isn't the same person as he was 8 years ago"

"You live in a continent 10,000 km from where he lives, and you'll never see him again"

"You need to move on, slowpoke"

"Honestly, you're not even his type"

"He didn't love you 8 years ago, and will never do"

... etc but you get the idea

 

Maybe I'm not creative enough to think of ways to forget a person.

 

What I see here is you trying to bully yourself into moving on. I may not be able to tell you the way to move on from him, but I can promise you that this ain' it. All this is gonna do is add layers of guilt and negativity on top of the typical sourness of unrequited emotions in and of themselves. 

If emotions could be changed by us berating ourselves for them the world would probably be a much simpler place. We've all seen this sort of thing in others hundreds of times, but many keep trying it on ourselves. I think it comes down to a lack of self respect.

If the situation was reversed, would you say those things to him?

Do you really think you deserve any worse just for being the kind of person you are?

 

Moving on from him is difficult... but this is definitely something that can improve the situation just by thinking about it differently.

Please be kind to yourself. 

[Guest]

It seems like you're stuck, and as mentioned above, you're trying to bully yourself into forgetting, moving on or whatever you want to call it, which isn't the right way to do it. You can't guilt yourself, use negativity or any other bad things to force yourself to move on. All that does is make you dwell more and worsens your thoughts and state of mind and so on. Considering the fact that you really liked this chap and still do, I can only imagine that your state of mind would only get worse or whatever the case as time progresses. It's natural.

 

Moving on in any circumstance is difficult. That goes without saying, but taking into account the ~10,000km distance factor, I think the right thing to do is to cease all possibilities of contact slowly, and then slowly shift away. 

 

The last thing you say to yourself is bloody harsh, don't say that. 

 

As mentioned above as well, it's probably better to remove him from social medias and then slowly forget, as opposed to beating yourself into submission. Forgetting is probably the right thing to do.

 

It's also kinda unhealthy, being fixated on one person, and given all of the circumstances, I do think it's best to slowly move on. Bring yourself to do it, don't bully yourself into doing it, do it as slow as you need, or want to. 

 

I feel like the right thing to do is to move on from him, but the how is the most important, and how you're doing it right now isn't the best. Re-evaluate, go in and try at a pace and mindset you're comfortable with and you'll be better off for it.

 

If you want to talk more, feel free to message. 

[Candy]

Incredible - it seems I somehow managed to demonstrate my insecurities and XXS (practically nonexistent) self-esteem

Thanks y'all for taking this matter seriously and trying to help!

This community is def one of the best things that's happened to me (and I shouldn't think something like "I don't deserve this", right?)

 

10 hours ago, FactoryofSadness said:

It sounds like there is one option you have: message him on Facebook and see if he wants to hang out with you (as friends only). I say that because if you don't, you sound like you're going to regret it. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. The sun will still rise the next day.

I thought about doing something like that (saying hi), but I'm the type to think more about what the other person will feel rather than my own satisfaction. I can't message him after 8 years of severed friendship, to tell him I'd like to be friends again, because that'd probably creep the f out of him. I've kinda tried that with someone I met, and even a week after meeting him was enough to give him the sense of "why are you messaging me??"

 

9 hours ago, Shadowsusanoo said:

Absolutely right! Try it atleast  you wont regret not doing that afterwards.

Thx, but I think I'll regret it with either option (messaging him, or forgetting him).

 

7 hours ago, LykosHand said:

Like FactoryofSadness said, i suggest you to try to message him again. About the words to send ti him, try to ask if he want to go out with you and other things. Remember Candy if he will say no (i hope not) at least you had tried and this is important ; Only two time i have managed to have a girlfriend but many times no, and then i think "well I tried at least" and this is important in my opinion . I hope things will go in the right direction for you Candy

This is something I should've known when I was 14. I've made a lot of mistakes, but one of the biggest ones is not pulling out the courage to tell him how I felt, until it was too late. At least a rejection would've provided me with a sense of closure, and I believe the reason why I drag the memories with him is that I never got that closure - I left the question of his affection toward me uncertain.

 

7 hours ago, RedAlert said:

It's always difficult dealing with things like this, some people's attributes are just retended for a longer time inside your memory/heart. I'd advise you not to message him on Facebook, as the moving on process is much harder when he is close by, and as you say yourself, you still have feelings for him. Just my opinion though

 

Good luck and I'm here if you want to talk

 

 

Thanks for the support I also believe the option to forget is the correct one, though that's easier written than done. I'm very forgetful, but the things one wants to forget the most are the things that don't want to get forgotten. Anything related to him reminds me of him, even to this day... I must've done something terrible in my previous life

 

I'll get back to the rest later, because I've gotta run to work!

[Filthy Casual]

4 minutes ago, Candy said:

I thought about doing something like that (saying hi), but I'm the type to think more about what the other person will feel rather than my own satisfaction. I can't message him after 8 years of severed friendship, to tell him I'd like to be friends again, because that'd probably creep the f out of him. I've kinda tried that with someone I met, and even a week after meeting him was enough to give him the sense of "why are you messaging me??"

That's funny, because I'm like that, too! There's actually a quote I remember hearing from a basketball player named Michael Jordan that inspires me. The quote goes like this:

 

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

 

All it would be is saying hello. No matter what happens, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of yourself other than you. As the old saying goes, you are your own worst enemy.

 

Having said that, if you also want to get over him, try talking to other people. The hardest thing you can do is open up to others around you, as it may hurt them, as well. Try talking to family or friends. They can help you through the situation. However, at the end of the day, only you can make the best of it. Fortunately, however, you were brave enough to share your thoughts here. This means I know you have the inner strength to get past this emotional hurdle.

[BRS swag]

10 hours ago, Candy said:

Might as well add to this section a little bit of myself

... Or rather, to ask for advice on what to do with a hopeless case? I don't know haha

 

So my problem is this: I'm the creepy girl who can't get over loving a person she fell in love at the age of 14.

If you want a short story to get a gist of the matter, go ahead and read this insipid thing.

Or if you want to know what used to happen on the days of his birthday (laughing and sighing at the same time)

  Hide contents

But to the story about his birthdays there's a 2017 update.

During the year 2016, he happened to "Like" two of my friggin Facebook posts (which had never happened before), so around December, I made up my mind that I'd try posting "Happy birthday" on his wall this year. Good thing I had half a year of mental preparation, because as the date grew close, I was losing confidence at an exponential rate.

May 10 this year I had a business final (college) at 9AM. I arrived at 8:30, and debated whether to write the post then or after the exam. I wanted to look "casual".

But all the anticipation was killing me, and I was afraid I couldn't concentrate on what was really important - my exam. So I ended up typing the two words, taking a quick breath, and pressing "Post". I regretted doing that a whole lot, and the regret only deepened when hours passed and he hadn't commented thanks or something like he did for his friends in the past.

However, hope was still there (for better or for worse) because he hadn't replied to any of the other posts either (and shall I mention that I failed to look "casual" because there were only like 9 posts including mine? Guess everyone else is messaging him instead, but I'd been counting on the "camouflage" by other birthday posts)

At around the time I finished my other exam (I had two that day), xD no suspenseful pauses or anything. Yes, he commented a "Thanks :')" eventually.

I'm a realist (and widely known as a pessimist) so it makes me feel dumb to think that a short word like that made my week. Heck I had a depressing yesterday and today, and it's already brightening up my mood. What an idiot!

Anyway that was that. Moving on...

 

Here's the list of things I've said to myself, to get a grip (because honestly, it's pathetic):

  Hide contents

"It's been friggin 8 years"

"The guy probably barely remembers your name"

"He'd think it's creepy"

"You were a 14 year old, I mean come on"

"The guy isn't even that handsome"

"The guy isn't the same person as he was 8 years ago"

"You live in a continent 10,000 km from where he lives, and you'll never see him again"

"You need to move on, slowpoke"

"Honestly, you're not even his type"

"He didn't love you 8 years ago, and will never do"

... etc but you get the idea

 

Maybe I'm not creative enough to think of ways to forget a person.

But I'm actually needing an antidote, because this is harming my life - I can't seem to fall in love with anyone, and it's worrying my mother xD

I'm starting to introduce myself as asexual, because it's easier than to explain myself

 

Laugh, comment or give me advice, or anything really.

I hope the thought that there is this type of dumb people like me out there made someone a little happier too  

Just saw your post now. I would rather say a no to texting him, considering that the both of you are like SO SO far away and you wouldn't want to feel uncomfortable. Dumbness is ok. There is nothing wrong with it. All of us are dumb in one way or the other. I'll go on and say it. I'm dumb too. Don't beat yourself up. You are the only person who can totally understand yourself. And don't give a shit on any bad comments anyone might pass on. I have never experienced true love but I have seen a lot of my friends in it and have guided them successfully. What I would say is keep the positive feeling you get in a "love at first sight" with yourself. Such feelings are really nice and make you feel special. All of us are special, in a way. Try writing songs, poems or even singing songs about them. It is the best solution. Don't call yourself asexual too coz you wouldn't experience any of this if you were. Learn to laugh away your own problems. This isn't a hopeless case. It can be a good turning point for your journey in life. There are many great people out there for you. Also, don't try looking out for them. It all starts with a miracle, in love. Just do what you do. Coz life is just like #YOLOSWAG. You Only Live Once, live it with SWAG.

[LykosHand]

45 minutes ago, Candy said:

This is something I should've known when I was 14. I've made a lot of mistakes, but one of the biggest ones is not pulling out the courage to tell him how I felt, until it was too late. At least a rejection would've provided me with a sense of closure, and I believe the reason why I drag the memories with him is that I never got that closure - I left the question of his affection toward me uncertain.

I confess that i'm a shy person. I believe in this phrase "You learn by making mistakes", but i have to say that you have right at 100%. My suggestion is: follow what your heart tells to you; if you don't want texting to him, it's ok and believing in yourself helps, trust me. 

[Commander]

I guess I'm a little bit late to the party, but I'm kind of busy so I glanced through quite a bit of this section and kind of understand a bit of this situation. I see everyone talking about whether to talk to the guy or not when...there's something a bit more important I think needs to say: don't let love drive you recklessly. And judging from your tale, it's gone a bit haywire (I mean you texted the guy while taking an exam which could be putting YOUR future and career at risk if it was college). And Ame is absolutely right that degrading yourself like that is absolutely not healthy. Trust me, I did things to myself mentally that'll stick around for the rest of my life that I wish I stopped earlier.

 

I don't think you should contact him, not because he doesn't remember or if he would recall, but for your own sake. There's a billion people in the world so you'll have chances to find another one (or if you're like me...you've got bigger things to deal with over finding love). And instead of forcing yourself to stop thinking about him (which always does the opposite effect), try thinking about other stuff. Over time you'll reach a point where you can accept whatever fate may be and move on on your own terms, but until that time it's probably best not to think about it. And trust me, you don't simply "forget" something like this so don't force yourself to forget his existence.

[Chase]

First things first - I don't think talking to the person -or- not talking to the person is the issue here. There are certainly circumstances that hinder your chances of actually making something come to fruition outside of letting the monkey off your back (distance, time elapsed, you already listed a few in your litany of self-destruction so you get the drill.)

 

The issue is that you seem ashamed that you have feelings for this person -because- of those circumstances and perhaps a little bit because you are simply ashamed of yourself in general. Whatever the case there is - it's a boat the both of us can learn from..

 

---

 

Recently I played a game in which there was a character whose major trope was that he was a homosexual male who was fixated on a particular man. This man he loved is straight and lost his family to pirates not too long before the events of the game. In the first two conversations you can unlock between the two characters, the straight man comments on the gay one's handsomeness and says he could have a flock of women following him - which disgusts the gay man and causes him to offer that he was "just fine" with this current situation of working with his fixation, followed by the straight man's losses and how he copes with them.

 

This causes the third conversation to give us a bit of the way the gay man copes with -his- issues.

 

Leon: ......

• Valbar: You're awful quiet there, Leon. Something on your mind?
• Leon: Just realizing I've been a fool for feeling sorry for myself. Compared to what you've gone through, my worries are nothing.
• Valbar: Worries, eh? I didn't think you were the type for all that.
• Leon: Uh, hi? Rude? I've my share of concern, the same as anyone else. Such as a not-insignificant case of unrequited love.
• Valbar: ...Oh. That.
• Leon: Heh heh. But it's fine. Emotions come in many forms, and as you say, there's no point in hanging on. I'm still glad I have these feelings, and nothing will change that.

---

The only time you should worry about how you feel about someone is if you are prone to harm them because you can't control your actions. If you are stable enough to rationally talk with others about it (as you have displayed) - consider OWNING your love for that person, even if unrequited. After all, who we like is a small part of who we are. Don't continue to look at your feelings as negative ones to hold simply because they aren't being met half way by the other person.

[Deleted User]

Some people need to feel something towards someone. They can be rather particular about what they like in someone's personality without even realizing it themselves, so until someone else comes along that can fill that void you may continue to feel that way about that person. Meet more people if at all possible and eventually you may find someone else who will peak your interest and that can help you to move on. Give people a chance to genuinely get to know them. I can't say if you do this, but I know quite a number of people who tend to write off others based off first impressions.

[Candy]

15 hours ago, HongaarseBeer said:

To everyone saying that they should try to hang out, Candy mentioned that they live 10,000 km apart from each other. So that's hardly possible I think

 

What I would do is just full on break any ties you have to him. If you don't you are very easily reminded of him which will hold you back. So what I would do is delete him from all your social media accounts etc. This might help you in getting over your love for him because you are no longer reminded of him. Of course, this won't happen within a day (the forgetting) but I think it will make it easier for you to look past your love for him and maybe start hanging out with others.

 

And if he decides to contact you, really think about whether you want to get in touch with him or not. Falling for it could make you even more dependent on his love.

 

These are just my two cents. I'm not saying you should do this, I'm just saying that this is what I would do. But then, I might be slightly emotionally numb

I'll consider unfriending him, though I admit that when I meditated it in the shower (as I tend to do with my problems), I felt my stomach sink just with the thought. That means that my own self is preventing me from moving forward, which irritates me, but I've heard that time can be a remedy to situations like this (8 years, believe it or not, may not have been enough) so I'm hoping that one of these days I'll grow courage to do it.

 

15 hours ago, Wolfox said:

I'm gonna agree with Hongaar here.

 

Although I will add the "IT'S BEEN 8 YEARS!" to the occasion. I'm not saying it will be easy, yet it's likely your best option

I agree too  8 years really is a long time - and they say that time heals this type of shit, but I wonder how many years they were referring to??

 

14 hours ago, Amethyst said:

 

What I see here is you trying to bully yourself into moving on. I may not be able to tell you the way to move on from him, but I can promise you that this ain' it. All this is gonna do is add layers of guilt and negativity on top of the typical sourness of unrequited emotions in and of themselves. 

If emotions could be changed by us berating ourselves for them the world would probably be a much simpler place. We've all seen this sort of thing in others hundreds of times, but many keep trying it on ourselves. I think it comes down to a lack of self respect.

If the situation was reversed, would you say those things to him?

Do you really think you deserve any worse just for being the kind of person you are?

 

Moving on from him is difficult... but this is definitely something that can improve the situation just by thinking about it differently.

Please be kind to yourself. 

Thanks, I've known for a long time that my self-esteem is rock bottom (my mother complains about it, but I don't think there's a cure for that sort of thing). I didn't use to be like this, though - I was raised a confident child, but sometime during middle school... I wonder what happened. Must have been the bullying

My mind is full of degrading thoughts about myself, not just concerning this specific case. People say humans tend to be sweet to themselves and harsh on others, but I'm quite the opposite. So if the situation was reversed... no way, I'd never say those things to him or any other human being. But honestly I do think I deserve worse for being who I am (no reason to lie here) - facts are that I'm surrounded by happiness (good parents, enough wealth, good grades which I get from putting minimal effort, great friends, lazy lifestyle, even potential boyfriend, etc) yet I feel like I should've been born in an entire different environment. To make matters worse, I feel guilty for feeling guilty about having good fortune (as in I wish I could just happily accept my good fortune). It'll take a miracle to change that ugly side of me - first I need to find proof that I'm worthy of what I have, and that'll take a miracle in itself!

 

13 hours ago, Mockingbird said:

It seems like you're stuck, and as mentioned above, you're trying to bully yourself into forgetting, moving on or whatever you want to call it, which isn't the right way to do it. You can't guilt yourself, use negativity or any other bad things to force yourself to move on. All that does is make you dwell more and worsens your thoughts and state of mind and so on. Considering the fact that you really liked this chap and still do, I can only imagine that your state of mind would only get worse or whatever the case as time progresses. It's natural.

 

Moving on in any circumstance is difficult. That goes without saying, but taking into account the ~10,000km distance factor, I think the right thing to do is to cease all possibilities of contact slowly, and then slowly shift away. 

 

The last thing you say to yourself is bloody harsh, don't say that. 

 

As mentioned above as well, it's probably better to remove him from social medias and then slowly forget, as opposed to beating yourself into submission. Forgetting is probably the right thing to do.

 

It's also kinda unhealthy, being fixated on one person, and given all of the circumstances, I do think it's best to slowly move on. Bring yourself to do it, don't bully yourself into doing it, do it as slow as you need, or want to. 

 

I feel like the right thing to do is to move on from him, but the how is the most important, and how you're doing it right now isn't the best. Re-evaluate, go in and try at a pace and mindset you're comfortable with and you'll be better off for it.

 

If you want to talk more, feel free to message. 

Thanks, I've been doing it slow. As you can tell, 8 years have passed, but in the early years, I used to think of him much more - while I was still in the school he went, my days consisted of hoping I'd get a glimpse of him, as childish (I was, indeed, 14) and foolish as it may sound. Now he only appears in like 3 mental stories (I'm a daydreamer and writer, so have a total of about 10 stories in my head - of course I think of one at a time though!), and I remember him when I see relevant things.

Some days, I outright hate myself for being fixated on this one guy. That's where those self-hated quotes come from. Other days, I just accept this is who I am now, a person that will love for years, until the magical day that she'll be able to put it in the past where it belongs. I hope I can do more of the latter, but knowing my propensity to self-repudiate and self-shame, I doubt it... I'll try to remember your words when that happens though

 

10 hours ago, FactoryofSadness said:

Having said that, if you also want to get over him, try talking to other people. The hardest thing you can do is open up to others around you, as it may hurt them, as well. Try talking to family or friends. They can help you through the situation. However, at the end of the day, only you can make the best of it. Fortunately, however, you were brave enough to share your thoughts here. This means I know you have the inner strength to get past this emotional hurdle.

Given that the majority seems to advice against my communicating with him (thank god, really - my heart cannot take that stress), I'll have him be one of the shots I missed for not taking them  Honestly, I've never told this story to anyone like this. I've written blog posts (which very few read) and that story (which I've gotten some compliments, for being an artistic piece, but no comments on the content), but not a thorough list of the facts, expecting anyone to reply like I did (though truthfully, I half-expected not to get any response on here too, since it's not as heavy as the other rant/rapport posts). I only told my mother last year, accepting that I'd been truly in love with that guy at the age of 14, but she dismissed it as a case of immature love. I didn't tell her that I was still struggling, because I knew she'd just tell me what I know I must do - forget. I think if anything, it must be a little progress. A change from a person who internalizes her feelings, to a person who at least was able to look at them head on, and publish it somewhere anonymous, but not so much (forums are interesting - I go by the nickname of "Candy", but I feel there's part of my persona attached to that nickname here).

 

[Mysterious Fox Assassin]

Love is one of those fickle things where you don't want to leave the person you're fixated on in your two bodies (mental body and spiritual body; I'm assuming you've never seen him physically.) The way that you're going about trying to forget and move on isn't healthy. Like Amethyst said, berating yourself isn't going to solve the problem. At this point, it's better to forget this person if he is causing you this much internal turmoil. I won't say I understand and tell you that I know it's hard to forget this person because I don't. However, I do know that letting yourself detach from him gradually will do you some good. Gradually letting him go will allow you to really decide for yourself if you truly want to be free from this person. In the event that this person reaches out to you, then decide whether you want to go back or to stay back. Nevertheless, I hope this helped.

[Alaris]

I'm in a similar situation, in a sense. I'll try to summarize my experience, just in case it might be of some use to you.

 

During last year, I got a crush on a classmate (in fact, it's explained somewhere in a post in these forums...). I was the new guy there, and we became friends very quickly (which is quite odd because it's usually hard for me to make new friends, at least that fast). Probably because I had somewhat idealized him, I misunderstood many banal comments thinking that, in fact, he felt the same way towards me. Every few days I would try to start a messenger chat with him, but he always answered very briefly, giving no options to keep talking. Even though I knew that my odds to success were very scarce, I finally confessed to him. And it was the best decision I could have made. He obviously told me that he liked girls and could never correspond me, but he did it in a most charming way, making me feel much better. Then we didn't really talk to each other until his birthday (1 year after), in which I finally decided to get back in touch with him. I wanted to do so because since I had declared myself the situation had become quite odd. He was very receptive and we talked for hours, even more than before. Now we talk from time to time. I admit that I haven't completely moved on, but I'm so much better now.

 

My point here: if you're not going to see him again, why don't you tell him how you feel? Getting a "no" (and maybe being just friends from them on) is much better than being on edge for god knows how much more time.

[BRS swag]

For some reason, i can't quote the previous comment. Anyway,

@Alaris You were seriously lucky to have had a boyfriend who understood you and politely said no but remained friends. I have no way to know this, coz i'm a man, but I'll say not every man does that. This world is a mixture of various qualities and everyone these days tend to find the wrong way out instead of the easy way (which your boyfriend was wary of. He didn't do this mistake which everyone tends to do). I have learnt from others' mistakes in this case, coz I've never had the opportunity of falling in love. Maybe I have some other purpose in life, who knows. All i'd like to say is your friend was a classmate whereas @Candy's friend was from online chatting and that too 10,000 km far away. If there is chance of anything right now, it is more distance. All she can do is become more familiar with her own feelings (try songs like I said in an earlier post) so that it shall be all normal and good for her. You fall in love with someone becoz you care for that person. It need not necessary mean that you love that person unless that feeling makes you and the other person go mad longing for a presence together for life. A very fine line of difference here. I cared for many such attractions I had but that never meant a relationship with her.

[Alaris]

4 hours ago, BRS swag said:

For some reason, i can't quote the previous comment. Anyway,

@Alaris You were seriously lucky to have had a boyfriend who understood you and politely said no but remained friends. I have no way to know this, coz i'm a man, but I'll say not every man does that. This world is a mixture of various qualities and everyone these days tend to find the wrong way out instead of the easy way (which your boyfriend was wary of. He didn't do this mistake which everyone tends to do). I have learnt from others' mistakes in this case, coz I've never had the opportunity of falling in love. Maybe I have some other purpose in life, who knows. All i'd like to say is your friend was a classmate whereas @Candy's friend was from online chatting and that too 10,000 km far away. If there is chance of anything right now, it is more distance. All she can do is become more familiar with her own feelings (try songs like I said in an earlier post) so that it shall be all normal and good for her. You fall in love with someone becoz you care for that person. It need not necessary mean that you love that person unless that feeling makes you and the other person go mad longing for a presence together for life. A very fine line of difference here. I cared for many such attractions I had but that never meant a relationship with her.

 

Hi! Well, that guy was not my boyfriend (I wish!), but just a friend. And about the distance thing, we now live more than 300 km away with a sea separating us, so I can somewhat relate to that. But what I wanted to say, basically, is that trying to forget someone by attempting to cut ties with him has hurt me more than going and telling him the truth (I've had both experiences). Let me explain:

 

So--- like eight years ago, I had a crush on who was, at that time, my best friend (I tend to get crushes on friends; not all my friends, of course, I've only been attracted to 2 of them in my life, which will be the cases I'll be explaining now). Well, to sum up, after about 5 years of being very close, even being flatmates in college, I concluded that he didn't feel the same way towards me (which became especially apparent when he finally got a girlfriend). So I decided to leave the flat we were sharing and never talk to him again (he would ignore me anyway, by that time), and, of course, I never told him anything about the crush I had had on him. And now, 3 years later, I still wake up crying and thinking abouth him some days, and I think I wouldn't be able to confront him face-to-face. I think that this situation is not healthy, really.

 

On the other hand, there's the case I explained in the previous post. I must admit that I was lucky (or I had a crush on him because of his kindness) when he told me that he didn't feel the same way. But really, having a definitive answer is much better. I think about him every day, but not in an obsessive, self-destructive way, just because I really care about him and I feel very thankful of how he managed the situation. Before confessing, I would have terrible anxiety and depression, now I feel much better.

 

That was my experience on the matter. I know that it's not 100% relatable to Candy's case, but I see some common points there. I think that it should be judged if that person can manage a confession (I mean, you knew him, right?) and, if he is sensible enough to provide you with a potential answer that would calm you down. Of course, if you think that that guy will be a bas****, you will have to try and forget him eventually, and I know it's easier said than done.

 

Hope it helps!

Edited August 17, 2017 by Alaris

[BRS swag]

Well, you could relate to her...........a similar happening here. I hope you are in a better position now