Life With Percival, or Why I Seek Comfort in Titania

[Guest]

I was eighteen years old when I thought I had fallen in love. He showed enjoyment to my attempts at flirting, and made me feel valid in an otherwise dark time in my life. I thought I had fallen in love with the right one, until I realized it was just myself being foolishly led into a trap. 

 

It wasn't always terrible, you see. The first few months were genuine and sweet, and I had felt like I had found my paradise in him. I didn't see the red flags on the horizon, but how can you see red when the world is painted pink through the rose colored lens? Slowly over time, after I had turned nineteen, he acted distant around me. He didn't seem interested in what I had to say, and whenever he did feel like holding a conversation with me, he would never listen to me talk about myself. He wanted all the focus on him. He wanted it so much, he decided that pretending to break up with me would change things. 

 

And they did. He bent my already fragile grip on the world, just so I would devote myself entirely to him. He used me, in most ways possible. But did I ever protest? No. I didn't want to be the cause of one of his hundreds of suicide threats. He would threaten to kill himself if things didn't go his way. So I made extra sure that they would, even if it meant going against my friends. And in turn, he would continue to treat me like his emotional punching bag. But I take fault in that because I was the one who enabled it. 

 

It wasnt until after after I had turned twenty when I said enough was enough. I told him "if I mean nothing to you, then you mean nothing to me." Shortly afterwards, he had blocked me on all social media outlets, and proceeded to throw tantrums at my friends. Even going as far as taking my own experiences, and using them as his sob stories about how horribly I treated him. 

 

But that was just the beginning. My freedom came at a steep price. I woke up in a constant cold sweat with shaking limbs. I was prone to panic attacks. I was always so afraid of what people would think of me, and it became reflexive to bend to their will. It wasn't until I had started playing Reborn when I realized how valid my experience was. I saw myself in Titania, and immediately felt a deep connection with her. The attacks became less frequent, and I've slowly become more like my previous self. But that still doesn't stop the occasional episodes of fear brought on by my PTSD. The last attack I had was last night, when something had reminded me of Percival, and what he had done to me.

 

But that's another story for another time. The moral of this cautionary tale is to never tell lies, especially to yourself. 

[Alaris]

I think you were very, very brave and honest with yourself when you accepted the truth. When we fall in love, we usually become too much blinded and devoted to the other that sometimes we put up with unbearable situations. I'm sorry to say that, but a person such as the one you describe doesn't deserve your love. I'm glad you realised it in time. That's a very important step in avoiding other future toxic relationships. I really hope he will change and mature, because otherwise he'll really have a unhappy life. But that's not your problem anymore. I know it's hard, but you now will have to learn to live without him until you can "forget" him. Of course we can't just "forget" such experiences, but the pain somewhat goes away with time... Just take care of yourself for now. Go outside, do something to keep your mind busy, It usually works for me