An accident is haunting me

[Busti]

Hello,

 

It's a little difficult to open up a little, but I have been having a rough time for the last six months and I notice I feel somewhat better after talking about it. Today marks 6 months since I had an accident ... I cut off a couple fingers and the most amazing surgeon reattached them for me. It's hard to imagine the shock. I still can hardly bare to think about it. I was about to host a house-warming party. I was tired from a long night cooking. I still needed to do a gardening chore. I was hasty, clumsy, and for a few seconds I did not think, and suddenly I was hurt.

 

After my surgery I don't think I have been the same as I was. I was told I will never heal and may need further surgery in the future. For now, I am slowly regaining function and the pain is mostly gone. Rather carefree before, I have difficulty coping with stress and a feeling of guilt. I have had to use only my left hand for a few months. I am using my right hand now, avoiding the use of my hurt fingers. Playing piano was my passion, and now I carefully play simple tunes, hoping I may heal and be normal yet again within the next six months.

 

First of all I am having a hard time dealing with a feeling of guilt. The student health care I had was good 4 years ago, but apparently the Obama changes have hollowed my insurance while doubling my premiums. Unaware of those changes, I have racked up a large debt. Three years of high monthly bills is what it takes. I am working a second job just to cover those expenses. I have less energy, less time, and less money to spend with my wife. She, on the other hand, is working harder too to reduce the stress on me. I can tell she has struggled a lot, and I feel so guilty. My parents offered to help financially, and I cannot accept, because I feel like me working harder for the next three years is necessary to "right my wrong".

 

Secondly, I am not coping with stress. I can't deal with traffic congestion. I find myself staring at my screen when I should do work, unable to get started. I need longer breaks to calm down after doing things that seem so intensive now. I worry a lot now. I get reminded about my accident - a lot! Every week, the companies resend me the updated bills. I make steady payments, but my ambulance company sent the account to a collection agency. I don't want to deal with them, but they call me twice a day. And I can't deal with them, I was making steady payments so legally they had no right put me in collections. Because of all that, I can't let this go.

 

Thankfully I have people that care about me, that offer their support. I have been told to talk to a psychologist. I really don't want to, but I promised I will next week. I am still hoping to make peace with myself, accept that my accident does not mean I have to torture myself for a long time to come. I want things to be as they were before.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

 

 

[LemonJones]

So sorry to hear about the accident. It really sucks that it will never be the same as before, however I'm sure you will find your way around it over time as boring as it sounds. This is the kind of shit that molds you into something tougher no matter how messed up it may be.

 

Lil' advice from me based off the text above - accept the help from your parents or any other person. Brings people closer together in the end and you could actually use it very much. Don't look at it as a charity or pity, simply appreciate it. Same with your wife. Don't feel guilty, instead show her that you appreciate what she does and that you care. Very important - CARE! You're still here, not giving up.

 

And another thing - the psychologist. Total waste of time and money unless of course you think you cannot share what's bothering you with anybody else. Murder might be awkward. That's my take after trying it out myself once upon a time. That being said I'm all for giving everything in life a shot, maybe the person you'll be talking to is much more capable than mine was.

 

Best of luck, perhaps we'll talk and share stories sometime.

[5hift]

Accidents happen. IMO the only way to get past these sort of things is to push onward.

 

Those payments are obstructing your path, so please just accept the help from your parents and get that stuff out of the way. I understand it may feel like you're burdening them, but I'm sure you'd do the same for them (hopefully). Family are supposed to look out for one another after all.

 

Don't let shit from the past keep you from moving on with your life.

 

This may sound kind of fucked up, but I would be relieved to know that instead of accidentally inflicting that sort of harm onto to someone else, you took it instead. Believe me, the guilt you would feel from that would be considerably worse.

[....]

@Busti You are amazingly strong,i applaud you,

 

Most people would fall into the gloom,but as much as cliche it sounds,you will become a lot stronger at the end of each day,

 

You won't take anything for granted,and you can live more refined from now on,

 

This darkness will turn into the brightest light of your life,

 

And my humble advice is,don't turn any help away,

 

It's a great privelege to have people care about you by your side 

 

I wish the best for you ~

[Dragoknight]

I can sympathize with how you may feel. Knowing you may never be the person you once were. And in all honesty, you never truly do recover. But that doesn't make you any less of a person. Know that learning to cope makes you a stronger person. 

 

We don't ask for the troubles we face day after day. There is no need to feel guilty. Regretting the past won't do anything. Instead, feel pride in your ability to move on. And don't let it get you down. You can only move forward from this, so you might as well make the best of it.

 

Also, don't feel the need to turn down the help you get. They're not helping you out of pity, but out of compassion. To have people there for you is a wonderful thing, and don't turn that away.

 

Best of luck to you~

[Chase]

Hey.

 

I struggle to accept financial aid for things all the time. Things like an education are important and are paid back ideally, but when I had to have my ankle surgically repaired I actually felt pity for the insurance company - and that's why they exist.

 

The thing to remember in a lot of situations is that people reach out because they care more often than to just pity your situation or feel like you have burdened them. It's difficult. As someone who struggles with pride and detests borrowing money on principle - I know the frustration all too well. I almost felt like the debt was a punishment for being careless. However, if I can take some help - I know you can.

 

---

 

I don't want to minimize the role your wife has. She sounds like a fortress and more than great. However - she's there because she loves you. You probably didn't struggle with much other than feeling her stress and noticing her work - but I don't see her willingly stepping up if she didn't believe in you. That's not meant to be a mere platitude.

 

It's a source of hope. Tell her you love her - hear her say she loves you too.

 

And allow yourself to smile. Whenever the inevitable pain and it's valleys come back. Remember. Your family is your mountains.

[Busti]

Thank you, you guys. I do feel a sense of relief for sharing my troubles.

Because of your kind words I talked things over with my wife, and she also insists I take the financial aid to help me move on. So, that is what I will do.

Thankfully the psychiatrist is a student benefit, and I will not get charged. I'm giving it a try on Tuesday.

 

EDIT:
So the counsellor insisted I call to settle my accounts and accept my parents help, so I did. I called and pleaded my case, getting approximately 30% off my bills across the board, but I had to settle them immediately. That sucked, but I'm done with that. Maybe I will spent my money on things that cheer me up for a little while.

 

I've been assigned to keep a diary and get more exercise. I'm going to give that a try. Who knows, maybe I will be my old self soon?