Why does everyone flee from me...

[Jess]

Okay... so... uh...

 

Well, let's start from the beginning. I'm not always the 24/7 cheerful, upbeat, chirpy person(na) that I show on the forums. Yes, I get excited, I like joking around and stuff, but honestly, I don't really like myself.

And I am quite fed up with myself. I will warn you that my mind is now as messed up as it gets, so I don't even know if everything I will say will make any sense.

 

Throughout my life I went into elementary, middle, highschool, university and I'm now doing a PhD. I've met numerous people, made friends and... enemies. But mostly friends. Or, so I thought. Because I realised that "friend" is a term you can't "waste" on anyone easily. Because, a friend will not just stop being a friend randomly, right? In the end of elementary school, I lost some of my friends due to rearrangement of students in classes, but I survived. New friends, new happy times. Till bullying happened in the second year of middle school. Because being the top student of the school for 8 years in a row was obviously a crime. Liking sports meant that you could "accidentally" get your wrist broken during a football game. Not being a nerd despite being a top student wasn't tolerable. So, elimination process was on. They broke my hand, but not my spirit. I kept playing basketball and being one of the best players of the class, among both guys and girls. And I did that while still wearing my cast. Cause fuck danger. 

 

Then, highschool happened. First love, first troubles, and old friends remained. But they started vanishing slowly. I don't know if I hurt anyone. I hope I didn't. I certainly didn't do anything bad, none that I understood of. I just... had to keep calling friends to stay in touch. Again, again, again. But, you can't keep a friendship on your own. I might be selfish. But, if the other person never shows appreciation and will to commit, then it is dead already. Friendship, it is. Highschool ended, I got cheated on by my (only) serious relationship I ever had. I forgave. I didn't forget. But I truthfully forgave. To be treated like shit again. And got told that the person I loved was "fed up and needed some time" right after our first holidays together. I offered it, then it was all good. Till the moment I was made to choose among my BFF and my love. Had it been genuine love, that person wouldn't have put me in such a place. I chose my BFF. It's the only decision I will never regret.

 

Apart from the fact that love is blind. And I kinda fell in love with my BFF. And I buried it deep down, because it was destined to fail. And I kinda killed myself every time I saw her in another relationship. But the sexual preference thing is brutal. So, it passed. And feelings still exist, but feel like a distant memory, and not of heartache anymore. And we still hold each other when one needs to cry, so, I'd not change this for anything else. She's one of the few things I'm not questioning my choices about. But my highschool friends vanished. See, my ex love was like a cancer. Grew on everything I held dear, and ruined it. And I was friendless. Just one BFF and many remnants of friendships... Scattered, like our fates.

 

Then, it was university. I met people, again! We had fun. Helped each other studying, went to the movies, played video games, had sleepovers... Holidays together... Then, the GF of a friend cheated on him with another guy of the fellowship. And, of course, one after the other stranded away. Only a guy kept in touch with me. My second best friend nowadays. Studying abroad. Like I used to, till I failed my PhD abroad too. And dropped it to return to Greece. And, I was again without friends. 

 

So, why is everyone leaving me? It hurts me when I sink in my bed at nights, crying to myself, knowing how alone and scared I will be when (God forbid) my parents pass... And I swear, it isn't another one case of the "I have the idiot magnet and only attract jerks". I am always honest, considerate and even putting others above myself, if I really care for them... I just wonder... If I am the mistake. Because it seems strange that everyone leaves and not looking back, with few exceptions...

 

I have my flaws, like everyone, but, I do try to control them... I get angered easily at myself if I don't perform at the best of my ability and criticise myself extremely harsh. My flaws are mostly self-destructive though, like the one I just mentioned... I don't get it... And now I struggle to create new friendships again. But I don't know if I have the strength to try it again...

 

Again, I'm sorry for wasting your time. Too many random thoughts, without coherence. It's just... I don't let others see me cry mostly. And I have nobody to talk to. Nobody I can relate to. My parents will be reasonable and try to lighten up my mood. My BFF will console me... And I will just wear my happy mask and battle through another day... Wondering why does everyone flee from me...

[....]

I can relate to this,i have the same problem.

This is a hard era we are livin in Jess,you know what they call us;The Z Generation,In this era people don't really care about communication at all anymore,everybody is looking for higher status,wealth,beauty and all of  the superficial concepts you can think of,so that's why speaking to each other,friendship or love for each other,they are expired concepts.Do not blame yourself,i am sure you are a wonderful person from what i gather here(You are my favorite person here along with Lia) and i am sure you did nothing to hurt anybody.

Sometimes when you forget to call someone because you are busy or forget to message them in every way,they can delete you from their life,they are looking for artifical and superficial people that tells them what they wanna hear,this is how people are now,we are trying to survive,we are not trying to 'Live'.People are afraid and this new generation is fucking the world up.I may sound so pessimistic and i am sure that's not what you are looking for.basically what i am trying to say is it's not your fault.
Most people are 'lost souls' in this era.(Wink)Especially young ones.Do not fall into despair though,there are always some people want your company and sincerity.

It's just that Honest,hardworking and serious people are out-dated to them.People are bad in this era,so if you are alone you are probably perfect.

[NickCrash]

The way I see it, the ones who leave you are those who have nothing further to offer. Your BFF never left you, and you never left her. Nor will you.

 

Lists help:

a. A bunch of elementary school children who envied you. Even those you've made connections with vanished. That's normal. Not everyone's supposed to grow the same, and nobody expects them to. It's fun while it lasts, in the most honest and carefree time of your life. 

b. A girl that cheated on you and left. (hey, I'm picturing a male here). She wasn't worth it, but those relationship ends hurt the most, just because they are the first. I've been there, albeit in a different scenario. Point is I know approximately how you felt, and I know it's not worth losing your sleep over it. 

c. A bunch of dudes who weren't bonded at all. Sorry not sorry, those guys could have removed both the cheating gf and the guy that went with her, compromising your friendship, and ultimately leading to its demise. The friendship could have standed, and it's on you all that it didn't. But if you are certain you did all you could, but just saw them leave one after the other, maybe they weren't that close friends of yours after all.

 

d. University. This is a whole new world. Being abroad and having to return sucks, because you lose all daily communication with people of similar interests and possibly background, but it's an entity on its own basically due to the fundamentals that create it to begin with. You choose who you approach, you know what they want, and what they know you from a completely different semi-obligatory perspective the previous school stages have forced us to create friends in.

Thing is, your BFF never left. She knows you and you know her. She must be a wonderful lesbian lady, who loves you. Remember that you fell for her when you were rejected, frustrated and vulnerable. You found stability where there was none. You found a kind woman who protected you from the girl that broke your heart. It's not worth crying.

 

What I'm trying to say is, people come and go, and that's inevitable. 

Instead of focusing on people who shouldn't matter, spend quality time with those who do. 

Learn what you can from your previous encounters, and next time a wild humanoid monster appears, don't be afraid to look it in the eye.

 

PM me if I can help.

[chrisboba]

get shadow tag , arena trap , maganet pull or learn mean look

 

[Dragoknight]

Say, what your going through, what you're feeling, it's not nonsense, and by no means are you wasting our time.

 

I can relate, that feeling of being alone, everyone pushing you away when all you do is try to fit in. Things can be tough, people will sooner push you aside to fulfill their own needs then help you with yours. Don't blame yourself though, you are a great person (I certainly think you're awesome) and you haven't done anything wrong.

As cliche as it may sound, just try being yourself and focusing on the things you enjoy. The world will have to conform to you. Sooner or later you'll find others around you that will want to be friends with you.

 

Your BFF is there for you, your family is there to help you, focus on them. You have people that care for you, people that love you. Friends come and go, but they're with you for the long run. And that's something to feel good about.

What I'm saying is that there's no need to cry or feel sad about anything, you're perfect as is and you don't need others to make yourself any better. Happiness is something you achieve yourself, so just focus on that.

 

And I'm always here if you want to talk. Stay strong Jess.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Dragoknight

[Candy]

Holy shité for a second I wasn't sure if I was reading your story or mine.

 

Anyhow, my two cents is that I think you place too much value on friendship and 'not being alone'. Being alone isn't a curse. Friends come and go - people who happened to be at the same place at the same time become friends, but it isn't guaranteed to last forever... I left many friends, as I moved every 4-5 years ever since I was 7 years old. I made new friends, and those friends became acquaintances, but I think that's natural. Don't cry for things that are natural - think of the blessings you have, for you have mentioned them. Your two BFFs who no matter the circumstances or the distance, they think of you as much as you think of them. I'm blessed, too, to have someone like that in my life.

 

If you want another serious relationship and that's why you're sad, though, I can't really help hehe. I only loved once and will never love again. But I have heard of people who say that fate has the tendency to surprise you in ways you didn't see coming, so perhaps you'll find love when you've given up on it

 

I'll also be starting PhD studies this year. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll offer my cyber-shoulder to you~

 

Ganbatte, you can get through this. Value the things you have, and forget about the 'ideal', the things you don't have.

Hehe, I guess I could learn from my own advice

[Titania]

Do you know what effective minds DON'T do?  They don't write out long, thoughtfully-considered posts analyzing their own doings and updating their beliefs on the basis therein.  They don't stop to consider own effectiveness.  They don't display excellent decision-making power and value judgment ability.  And you're doing all these things!

 

You're calling your mind "as messed up as it gets," but please... don't be so hasty to short-sell yourself.  When I struggled through depression in college, one of the problems I faced was learning what sadnesses were actually coming from it (and which were just legitimate sad things).  Some sadnesses happen because our minds break down and create illusory horrors, apathy, antimotivation, and despondency.  But most of our sadness comes from real problems and stresses outside of us!

 

Clearly you are sad.  I can feel the hope slowly slipping away in the post you wrote...  :'(  But all the signs are there and you're fighting back!  Don't doubt your own mind.  Don't doubt your own power!  I won't pretend that I can solve all this.  It's a hard position to work yourself from.  It must be, because if it wasn't I know you'd already have everything solved!

 

Have faith in yourself, and always remember that just because everything around you feels terrible does not mean that you are.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Titania

[Walpurgis]

I wish I could give you a big big hug.

 

While I can't exactly relate to what you've experienced, I can relate to the loneliness you feel and I know how hard and scary it can be. I also know that in this situation it can feel kind of a mere formalism to say "I'm here to talk if you need it", but I'm here to talk if you need it. I might not give the best advice (or any at all), I might not be the best at holding a conversation (I barely can do it), but a thing I'm good at is listening to people. Despite how I always find in myself the will to help other people I gave up a long time ago because of how draining and ungrateful people can be, taking what they need from you and never giving anything back, but I feel you're not just like that (and even if I might be wrong I'm willing to take the risk). 

[Ojama Yellow]

its not entirely on you. id think the compatibility between you and aforementioned people (barring your long-time friend) wasnt that great. the only thing I really can say is this- keep looking for people you have common grounds with. the same interests, the same places you visit, whatever you can think of. in person or online- either can work. it can become tedious really quickly, and it will seem like theres no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is. the vast majority of people absolutely need friendship in their life, albeit to different extents, and id be damned if a decent chunk of those wouldnt want to be in your circle of friends.

 

good luck. I honestly hope its gonna turn out well for you.

[GenEric]

Whatever dorcas said

Your relationship with your so called friends arent the best

Whenever I feel like my closer friends are straying away I always find my lesser friends and spend more time with them

Big tip for making friends is that NEVER form a relationship over the internet

And hang in there, even when you fee l lonely you still have us

Pm me.if you like

[Jess]

First of all, thank you everyone. Knowing I can talk to people really means a lot. And I do have recognised the traits of myself I don't like/that affect me negatively and try to change them.

One is I tend to look on the shady side of things. I get upset that I don't have many friends and I don't get grateful for having at least one-two friends for life.

Second is that I bash myself too hard about being perfect on things and then, I stop enjoy stuff I like do, just because I'm not perfect/I realise someone is better than me.

I know I will have more days that will feel dark and hopeless, but I assure you all that I won't stop fighting, even if my depression shows its face again (it has shown signs of re-emerging).

 

So, a misty eyed "thank you" to all who actually bothered to send me a nice message :') 

[Eviora]

The last paragraph of the first post reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

 

"False tears hurt others. A false smile hurts yourself." - C.C. from Code Geass

 

A long time ago, I learned one harsh but simple truth. That the word "friend" is, far more often than not, a lie. That many who use that word will betray or abandon you for the smallest, shallowest reasons, regardless of how long you have known each other. Ultimately, they strive for their own goals, and anything that gets in the way can be easily discarded. For that reason and other, person reasons I gave up on friendship as a child. I distanced myself from everyone. Even now, it has been over a decade since I had a friend I knew "in real life." But I thought I had made some friends online - only to learn in these past few years that they, too, were capable of betrayal for next to nothing. For a time,  my disdain for the lie called friendship became worse than ever. But, over the last year or so, I've found not everyone is as awful as I thought. A small minority of people do practice true friendship.

 

To find them, I've found that I must discard my masks. No false tears. No false smiles. Cliche as it is, the key, for me, was to be and share my genuine self. Let those who can appreciate you for who you are see you for who you are. A bond forged with sincere feelings is far stronger than one built on ephemeral experiences like "having fun."

[SilverAngelus]

I believe I already private messaged you about this. You're not alone Jess~ Don't be so harsh on yourself, and remember the advice you gave to me!

Btw, I meant to send this to you earlier, but hey. Better late than never. Like what I say when I wake up late for school

[Sayia]

In my opinion, you should leave the past behind you, do not think too much about it, and open yourself to new people and new friendships.

Do not be afraid of what will come, because if something is to happen, you will not avoid it.

Do not regret your past because you screw up the future.

Good luck to you Jess!

Edited February 22, 2018 by Sayia