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The Trials of Reborn [CW / Feedback]


CodeCass

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Chapter One - "IN MEDIAS RES"

 

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Thank you so much for anyone who's taken the time to read this. This is the first story I've written in probably 10 years. I'd be very much interested to know any thoughts and get any feedback, criticisms, or opinions anyone could offer. I hope those who read it could find some enjoyment! Thanks! 

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  • 1 month later...

I liked it. You wrote an event that happens in reborn without copying every sentence straight from the game. That way, while knowing roughly what will happen, it's still different enough to have some suspense. I also think the pace of the story was good, by skipping from finding the police officer to the station and from the station to the battle, you don't slow the story down so that it doesn't become boring. 

I was a little confused at the first paragraph, not knowing what the story was about. However, things became clearer as I read on. It does kinda feel like the protaganist should have a bigger reaction to finding the dead police officer. After all, he found a dead person. That should have some kind of reaction besides "Damn". Unless this has to do with the character's personality, which this story was to short for to get a feel for. 

I do have a question though: are you going to write an entire story? Or is this going to be a one-shot? It does say chapter one... If you're going to write the entire game as a story, I wouldn't start with this as chapter one. Also, if you're going to write the entire story, I would put a summary at the beginnning. Just so people know what to expect. 

I also think growlithe's reaction/behavior was a good idea. It makes sense for the pokemon to react to her trainers dead.

Hope this response makes sense, English is not my native language. Overall, I did like the story and I'd be interested in reading more. 

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  • 4 months later...
  On 6/25/2018 at 1:10 PM, KmK said:

I liked it. You wrote an event that happens in reborn without copying every sentence straight from the game. That way, while knowing roughly what will happen, it's still different enough to have some suspense. I also think the pace of the story was good, by skipping from finding the police officer to the station and from the station to the battle, you don't slow the story down so that it doesn't become boring. 

I was a little confused at the first paragraph, not knowing what the story was about. However, things became clearer as I read on. It does kinda feel like the protaganist should have a bigger reaction to finding the dead police officer. After all, he found a dead person. That should have some kind of reaction besides "Damn". Unless this has to do with the character's personality, which this story was to short for to get a feel for. 

I do have a question though: are you going to write an entire story? Or is this going to be a one-shot? It does say chapter one... If you're going to write the entire game as a story, I wouldn't start with this as chapter one. Also, if you're going to write the entire story, I would put a summary at the beginnning. Just so people know what to expect. 

I also think growlithe's reaction/behavior was a good idea. It makes sense for the pokemon to react to her trainers dead.

Hope this response makes sense, English is not my native language. Overall, I did like the story and I'd be interested in reading more. 

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So I'm 5 months late on this reply! Just wanted to say I really appreciate the response and critique and that I'll put them to good use. Hoping to get the creative juices flowing again soon in order to write some more entries. 

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